In which the pond offers the reptiles a sporting chance to get invisible ...

 

 

This morning the pond announced that it had bad news for the reptiles, and that it would be making demands at 4 pm, and here it is, and here they are...

First, as previously advised, the pond would offer proof by way of newspaper authentication ...

 

 

 

This is a well known TV and movie trope/meme. 

Of course really bad people use it too, but somehow the pond thinks that Nicholas Cage makes it feel droll and funny ... almost as silly has having two Nicholas Cages turn up in the one movie ...

So on to the authentication ...

 

 

Yes, it's a few days old, but here's the thing, the reptile paywall has been cracked.

Now you might be thinking, did the punk get lucky? Did she count the number of shots fired by the most powerful handgun in the world? Did the bromancer suddenly slip into the wild, and the pond stumble across him, the way you might encounter a feral fox after a feed of lamb?

Well no, it's just a sample, and the reptile paywall has been cracked. The pond could have selected any item to do its Nicholas Cage impression ...

This creates an enormous problem for the pond. The pond realises that its readers have been accustomed to gobbets of reptile stew, and for years the pond has provided that service.

But of late, the pond has been just another blog. It's been tootling, womboling and gamboling free, and loving its freedumb, because there's only so much reptile stew you can swallow before you've had a full to overflowing gutful ... and then you turn to the waiter for that last after dinner mint ... and ... well, everybody knows the result ... and then ... yes, and then ...

Merde!

And yet the geeks and nerds did their thing, and now the reptile content is out there for everybody to see ...

The pond is of a sporting inclination, which is to say that it never does sport, but is always willing to have a flutter or make an offer ...

The pond is giving the reptiles a sporting chance, a few days to fix the cracks in their paywall dyke. Why they can shove a finger up it, if that's their style ...

Heck, the pond is willing to head off to Surry Hills, armed with a blowtorch, so that it can help seal the doors shut, and bring a trench digger, to help the reptiles enlarge the moat ...

But above all, they need to spend more time on their paywall ...make it so tight-arsed that it's all shriveled and wrinkled and prune-like, and so clenched tight that nary a speck of light can be seen where the sun shouldn't shine ...

Or else this might start to happen all over again ...

Now the pond doesn't like it, and doesn't particularly want to revert to its old ways, its monomaniacal fixation on the erroneous lifestyle choices of the reptiles.

Who cares what the bromancer thinks?

Fix your damn paywall reptiles, and be quikstix about it, or the pond will revert. The pond doesn't want to do it, but it's a helluva lot easier than getting up each morning and taking an actual interest in the outside world, and reading people with intelligent thoughts about difficult matters ...

A quick example, studying Shakespeare with Marina Hyde at the Graudian ...

...Suitcases full of Kool-Aid seem to have been wheeled into Boris Johnson’s meeting with Tory MPs last night. Two weeks ago, Birmingham Northfield MP Gary Sambrook was widely reported to be one of the leading lights of a plot to remove Johnson; last night he issued a dispatch from the compound in which he declared the PM to be “the Boris Johnson we love and who has delivered”. Sorry, Gary, but wake up. This ends with a bungling Swat team going through the window and discovering the whole place is wired.
As for what Johnson said to his followers last night, he is reported to have compared himself to Othello, who he seems to think was “always seeing the best in people”. Righto. To confirm: the country isn’t just being run by a guy who can’t even understand the plot of Othello, but by a guy who can’t even understand the plot of Othello and is writing a book about Shakespeare. It’s called not giving a fuck, Gary – look it up. That said, good to see the PM getting his excuses in early for shopping Desdemona to the cops for her Abba party.
And yet, for someone who normally puts the I am into iambic pentameter, Johnson will still only speak in the first person plural when it comes to “taking responsibility” for what his investigator Sue Gray found to be “failures of leadership”. What a tell. As he preferred it yesterday in his statement to the Commons: “We must look ourselves in the mirror, and we must learn.” Who’s we? Face it, Gary – he’s the least convincing man in the mirror since Michael Jackson.
In fact, speaking of paedos, the prime minister chose to use one as a figleaf. Such a Churchill move. When the hour for leadership came, Johnson opted to knowingly advance a grotesque and indefensible conspiracist lie that Keir Starmer failed to prosecute Jimmy Savile when he was head of the Crown Prosecution Service.
All Conservatives who regard themselves as decent need to ask if it’s really that much of a leap from this sort of thing to some of the other paedophile-based conspiracies that are increasingly part of the dangerous undertow of global populist policies. If they’re not up to it, it will continue. On past form, the Met will spend months not getting to the bottom of things. Should any fines be issued, I’m sure Johnson will get some Tory donor to set up a blind trust to pay for his. He should start running a cash phoneline during PMQs, like a proper televangelist...

Think and chortle with glee at the same time?!

That's too much like hard work. Next thing you know, the pond might be thinking the Met is deeply corrupt or profoundly incompetent, or perhaps both ...

The pond missed that reference to Abba in Othello, and blames the UNE's English department, but it just goes to show there's always something new to be learned by hard, diligent work studying the classics ...

Engaging with reptile morons is much easier ...

The pond believes it deserved at least a squillion for its selfless suggestion, its endless proposal, its endless promotion, of the ridiculous notion that attention should be paid to the reptiles ... (incidentally the pond is happy to send an invoice, not as a shakedown, but for services already rendered over the years and gone unrewarded).

The pond doesn't want to return to the empire's service, and keep on with that promotional tosh, dishing out chunks of reptile "wisdom" ...

 

 

 

The pond has had more than a gutful of climate denialist bullshit from a mob which had allegedly last year received a corporation vision, and had a makeover ... but in reality is just the same coal-loving mob that it ever was ...

The pond isn't interested in being renowned as a reptile whisperer, as a keen post-graduate student in herpetological studies. What good is it to have a Ph.D in lizard Oz reptile lore? Might as well boast of being an expert in the number of angels that can be counted on pinheads, might as well start yabbering to imaginary friends while running a country ...

Reptiles, be warned, take care, you have a few days to make yourselves again invisible to the world, or there will be more of this ...

 

 

 

No, not the bullshit about the joys of fossil fuel producers, but news of the insanity of reptiles of the bromancer kind ...

Now the pond couldn't be more sporting ... fix it, and fix it quick, make yourselves invisible, completely and utterly invisible ...

 

 

 

 

Oh sheesh, you forgot the sunnies, the hat, and all the rest of the clobber ... no wonder the nerds and the geeks got through the wall ...

Quick reptiles, strip down, get completely off the planet, tucked firmly behind the paywall, stitched so tight that none can see you, except for those fools ready to slip a few shekels into the pockets of the Chairman and his son ...

And so to end with that promised immortal Rowe, though sensibly the immortal Rowe has a desire to be seen and enjoyed, and indeed he is seen and much enjoyed, and the pond's life is more complete with his return, which you can't say about the reptiles coming back ...

You can find him on Twitter here ... perhaps a little later than AFR readers, but better late than never ...