Tuesday, March 19, 2024

It's all very well for some to contemptuously ignore the reptiles, but it's the pond's world-conquering business model ...

 

The pond is pleased to announce the results of its recent poll regarding the pond's popularity. 

Some 87% of the readership voted that they were vastly entertained; of the remaining 13%, some were unable to vote due to unexpected poisoning, a surprise visit to the gulag or an accidental defenestraton from a high building. 

A few attempted to throw ink on their computer screen, resulting in damage for which the pond admits no liability, and a few attempted dissent, and were shot out of hand. It's not for nothing that the pond wasted endless hours watching Justified.

As a result of this result, a reinvigorated pond intends to wage war on the reptiles, and if that results in the planet's destruction, rest assured that there has to be some reward for sociopathic megalomania and rampant narcissism,  though the pond regrets that it hasn't yet worked out how to live in a style appropriate to its ambitions ...





Fawning comments will be accepted with a humble modesty only matched by a desire for bloodthirsty revenge on the few remaining dissidents ...




By golly, the pond is feeling a little lightheaded and in the mood for celebration, and then came a bum note, with a new reptile occupying the much desired far right position at the top of the digital edition ...




So bold, brave Ben, instead of packing up the tents and stealing into the night, has decided to take up the reptile cause and scored the plum far right position and yet ...

Paul Keating says The Australian should be ‘contemptuously ignored’ ahead of Wang Yi meeting“This is how mixed up The Australian’s editorial policy is and why it should be ignored. More than that, contemptuously ignored.”

“Australia has moved substantially from the counterproductive baiting policy the Morrison government applied to China to now something much more civil and productive.”
Keating – who has previously said the fate of democratically governed Taiwan was “not a vital Australian interest” – took aim at the News Corp broadsheet for its “distorted report”.
“The Australian proselytises that Australia either is or could be a Chinese military target,” Keating said.
“But the same newspaper urges Australia to sell the Chinese ever more tonnages of iron ore, presumably so that China would have no trouble putting together the armaments of scale necessary to actually attack and damage us.

This is all well and good for some, including the pond's correspondents. The pond has an abundance of contempt, but if the pond ignored the reptiles of the lizard Oz, where would the pond be in its quest for world domination?

Luckily the pond could contemptuously ignore Ben (and before him did nae ken Willy Glasgow giving the French clock lover the willies) and can instead endue the relentless ramblings of that old chook, Dame Groan, who this day took up arms to once again nuke the country to save the planet, and never mind that the said old chook has been astonishingly firm in her climate science denialism, making the move to nuke the country entirely moot and pointless and meaningless.

Never mind, let the nuking begin ...




Same as it ever was, but it does give the pond a chance to note Charlie Lewis in Crikey, at it again with a whimsical entry, The likelihood of nuclear energy in Australia via 13 timelines ...





Sorry, you need to get behind the paywall to appreciate the links, but to give a flavour, that last one led to that splendid visionary, the Katterist (some say related to the Caterist), skinning a deep north kat in The North West Star ...





And so on, but after all those distractions, the pond must get back to the groaning ...




It's perhaps a tad unfortunate that the reptiles should have offered a huge snap of the plant still in its crane stage ...






Given all those cranes craning away, the pond felt the immediate need to visit the Graudian to read ...




Not that there hadn't been warnings. Way back on 21st December 2017 Holly Watt scribbled in the Graudian a lengthy piece, Hinkley Point: the 'dreadful deal' behind the world's most expensive power plant ...

Naturally Dame Groan knows who to blame ... the bloody useless Tories and that useless bloody woman ...




Ah, the subs, more on them soon from the bromancer, but first a snap of that woman ...






Strange, once upon a time, the Tories were thought to be sensible by the likes of Dame Groan, and free of shackles, there'd be a blooming, much like Chance the gardener's garden ...






What fun to see the Groaner as seer, ferreting through the entrails and the runes to predict the future, but the pond should finish off the current groaning ...




With the groaning done and the country nuked and the planet saved from the climate science religious cult run by woke zealots, the pond realised it couldn't leave punters hanging. 

Anyone wanting to have a good laugh will appreciate the end to that Brexit piece. The pond has left out a bit, but the conclusion is a ripper, all that you might expect from the reptiles' very own Delphic oracle ...



Strangely enough that snap of the hapless May, dressed in bright red, seemed to chime with the colour scheme in today's infallible Pope...




Talk about a splendid bum's rush ...

And with Boris and the May bot both out the revolving door, that leaves time for the bonus bro, and his never-ending war with China, currently scheduled for this Xmas, but facing an uphill battle ...

Some might like to contemptuously ignore the offering, and it's true that the bromancer says nothing he hasn't already said umpteen times ...




How's the bro supposed to bung on a do when everybody is flashing the white feather?

Yes, yes, many will be over the whining and the sobbing, heard a zillion times at least, but when you see a drunk in the bar spilling tears into his plonk, sometimes you just have to listen ...




At this point, the reptiles interrupted the whining and the moaning with an alleged cartoon by an alleged cartoonist ...




The reptiles have lately taken to sneaking alleged cartoons into their columns, imitating the pond's business model, a strategy designed to relieve the sense of tedium and ennui.

It's just that the reptiles don't have any funny cartoonists in their employ. Excuse the pond if it washes out the memory with an actual cartoon ...






Now back to the bromancer, and the good news is that punters only have to contemptuously ignore just two more gobbets and the last one is contemptibly and pitifully short ...




In the old days, the bromancer would have immediately erupted with a "this is nuts", in his preferred Wodehouse manner, but the old warrior must be feeling tired and defeated because instead he rapped out a "Ludacris" ...



Ah yes, we must all become Houthis if we're to have the bromancer's war with China by Xmas this year ... but alas and alack, woe is us, even the bromancer seems to have slumped a little, and given up the ghost, and there's nothing much to worry about here ... and that's good because the pond is intent on closing by celebrating its glorious victory ... have you not been entertained? And remember, there's only one correct response, or otherwise stand well clear of windows in tall buildings and be careful what you drink ...




Monday, March 18, 2024

In which the Major has a Major anxiety attack, and then it was on the Caterist and the Lynch mob to sort him out ...

 

There was the Major perched in his favourite far right spot at the top of the digital edition early this morning ...




... and naturally the pond saluted, but it turned out that the Major had Major doubts, which made the pond think of him as Major Major, but that would be a shamelessly borrowed joke: “Major Major had been born too late and too mediocre. Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them. With Major Major it had been all three. Even among men lacking all distinction he inevitably stood out as a man lacking more distinction than all the rest, and people who met him were always impressed by how unimpressive he was."

There were other topics this morning - a Keating troll and the lesser member of the Kelly gang drumming up consternation about not being able to teach creationism and a young Earth, but the pond stayed firm. On with the mediocrity of a Major crisis:




Ah, so it's a full company, all the News Corp's peak loons are present and correct. Please, do carry on Major, and some saucy doubts and fears would be great fun ...





As a pond correspondent noted, it would have been a big help if Ted (what strength it takes for the pond not to talk of its old Teddy Bear) had actually offered straight answers to the questions, but Teds were always designed to be floppy at the joints (sadly in an operation to remove its appendix, the pond's Ted came to grief).

Never mind, after the next gobbet, the Major will reveal what the reptile rage machine is actually all about this time ...




Strange how SMRs seem to have disappeared from the reptile discussions, to be replaced with talk of what an authoritarian regime can managed, but then out of the mouth of the babe came a Major revelation. It's really about the wedge, it's nothing more than a wedge, and just like the nuke subs vanishing over the horizon, nuking the country to save the planet will also likely disappear, but as a wedge, it's peachy keen ...



Yep, it's the perfect wedge ... anything to avoid taking action ...



Down below the pond had to report a Major disappointment ...




The pond would like to spend time with the craven Craven, doing his Dame Groan impression, but he's no match for the Caterist and the Lynch mob, though the reptiles didn't help by stretching out their thin material with sets of huge snaps ...

The Caterist theme was eco-anxiety, on the basis that the planet was in spiffing shape and vulgar youff just needed some tuff love ...




We have, of course, been here many times before. As a blog noted here with some sketchy quotes, it's an old and reliable theme ...

They [Young People] have exalted notions, because they have not been humbled by life or learned its necessary limitations; moreover, their hopeful disposition makes them think themselves equal to great things -- and that means having exalted notions. They would always rather do noble deeds than useful ones: Their lives are regulated more by moral feeling than by reasoning -- all their mistakes are in the direction of doing things excessively and vehemently. They overdo everything -- they love too much, hate too much, and the same with everything else. (Aristotle)

It feels positively indecent to put the Caterist in the company of Aristotle, but needs must ...




At this point the reptiles began the set of huge snaps, a distraction the pond is always whining about ...




The pond is aware that the Caterist is also in the company of Plato, as noted in a Reverend in a pdf here...

I would like to begin today with a quotation from a famous author: "What is happening to our young people? They disrespect their elders, they disobey their parents. They ignore the laws. They riot in the streets inflamed with wild notions. Their morals are decaying. What is to become of them?" These words were written more than 2,300 years ago, by Plato, the Greek philosopher. 

The pond would like to note the real point of the Caterist exercise. It's to ignore, downplay, and avoid discussing climate science and instead blame the victims, vulgar youffs concerned that this is the only planet they've got and the chance of living on Mars with uncle Elon is a slim one ...




What to do? Tuff love of course, but in the meantime ...

"The world is passing through troublous times. The young people of today think of nothing but themselves. They have no reverence for parents or old age. They are impatient of all restraint. They talk as if they knew everything, and what passes for wisdom with us is foolishness with them. As for the girls, they are forward, immodest and unladylike in speech, behavior and dress." (From a sermon preached by Peter the Hermit in A.D. 1274)

Harden the fug up young 'uns, the Caterist is full of grit and resilience, a strength he earned during the Blitz and surviving the loss of the crispy bacon they had before the war ...



On and on the Caterist went, channeling the ancients...

"I see no hope for the future of our people if they are dependent on frivolous youth of today, for certainly all youth are reckless beyond words... When I was young, we were taught to be discreet and respectful of elders, but the present youth are exceedingly wise [disrespectful] and impatient of restraint". (Hesiod, 8th century BC)

How on earth did anyone reading about climate science think the world was in an existential moment? Go live on the beach and have fun ...

As weather patterns get more extreme and oceans get warmer, sea levels rise due to thermal expansion and weather patterns get more extreme, boosting coastal erosion. This climate crisis is now on the doorstep of Salisbury beach homeowners, as they suffer the consequences of rising sea levels, stronger winds and severe storms in recent months, including two in January.
“It was devastating,” Saab said about the recent storms. “Water went from the ocean into people’s living rooms and kitchens. Patios were destroyed. And at least one home was deemed uninhabitable.”

Oh just harden up, the Caterist has no time for your eco-anxieties ...




At this point the reptiles inserted a snap designed to terrify everyone, including Don Lemon ...






Luckily that snap of Uncle Elon terrified the Caterist too, and so he finally got around to his suggestion of tuff love (and never mind the planet, the planet can just go hang)...



Yep, there's your answer to climate science in a nutshell, or perhaps in a nut ...

And so, simply because he's there, on to the bonus of the Lynch mob, again littered with distracting snaps ...





Each time the pond takes a stroll with the Lynch mob, all it can think about are the students running up mountains of HECS debt to get his pearls of wisdom, when they might just read the pond recycling the Lynch mob ...




Peak woke?

Sorry, it's a ritual for the pond ...






The reptiles also began their own visual interruptions, including a snap of a forlorn Brexit party the pond was tempted to run full size ...






How is Brexit going? Luckily there's a Graudian tag for it, wherein you can read jolly yarns like 'Complex' post-Brexit tax rules means price rises for UK wine drinkers ...

British consumers have been told that the price of some of their favourite red wines could increase by more than 40p next year after the government ignored pleas from the wine industry to abandon complex post-Brexit tax changes.
The chief executive of Majestic Wine, John Colley, said the new alcohol duty system, which comes into effect in February 2025, would increase the number of tax bands for wine from one to 30, and cost businesses huge sums of money to administer.
The chief executive of the Wine Society, Steve Finlan, said the plan was “ludicrous, expensive and probably unworkable”.

Sorry, the pond didn't mean to Farage the conversation, back to the Lynch mob ...




Oh dear, Ireland has always been a troubled island, always full of the troubles, and yet again it becomes clear why ... but then the Lynch mob jumps the shark and nukes the fridge by inviting Dame Slap into the conversation ...




Peak woke?

Sorry, the pond has a proud tradition and it must be maintained ...







Phew, the tradition is taking a bit of a hammering this day ... and what a relief that the pond foreshadowed Brexit and had already covered climate catastrophism with the Caterist ...




Climate change remains subject to intense political debate? Well that's one way to discuss climate science, though when the pond last checked, actual climate scientists were debating just how Faraged the planet was ...

The impacts on corals and other forms of marine life are incalculable. Australia’s Great Barrier Reef is suffering its fifth mass bleaching event in eight years. Meteorologists warn that high surface temperatures may also presage a longer and more active hurricane season.
Raúl Cordero, a climate professor at the University of Groningen and the University of Santiago, said the growing possibility of a cooling La Niña between June and August could bring respite from the global heat, but this would only be temporary: “All recent temperature records will likely be broken sooner rather than later. The situation will continue to deteriorate until we halt the burning of fossil fuels.”

Never mind, pay your HECS fees to sit at the feet of the Lynch mob and you get a free snap of Maggie ...




After that attempt at a visual troll, the Lynch mob seemed to run out of steam, and wimped out with a short final gobbet ...



Ah, the mango Mussolini. 

As proposed by Luckovich, the pond offers its disgust, hatred, joy at the prof's wife's unattractiveness and a desire to destroy the prof ...