In which the pond joins Dame Slap in throwing Jaffas at the bromancer ...

Indeed, indeed ... huge ... and sad ... and yet huge ...

Here, and while it might have only been because there's nothing like a watching a gigantic train wreck or a huge auto pile-up to charm the eye and dazzle the brain, it still helps explain why the Australian cottage film industry has never been able to match Hollywood ...

They know how to do spectacular train wrecks and auto pile-ups ... and we'll never see his like again, with few others up there with his incredible comedy timing .... well, just a few ...

 ... and what is the pond left to contemplate down under?

Okay, it's good enough as far as it goes, like a Chopper or a Snowtown or an Animal Kingdom ... strange how crime always manages to move a few units, and speaking of crime, if there's crims in Dame Slap's air, there must be a plod, and what better plod than the mutton Dutton?

Now the pond immediately realised this was going to be a Dame Slap biggie ... of the same famous kind as her love letters to Lord Monckton, and her deep appreciation of him for exposing the United Nations conspiracy to use climate science to introduce world government (some still think it might be here in time for Xmas).

But the pond could sense there might be a few gaps, of the "others will debate the policy implications" kind, and the pond sensed that the time was right for one of its infamous cut and paste William Burroughs' scissor jobs ...

Wheel in the bromancer, way better than the kraken ...

It was the perfect fit!

There was Dame Slap gushing and gooing over the mutton Dutton, and there was the bromancer worrying about a few dimples on the baby ...

Hah, you see NY Times? We might be low budget, shoot it all in three weeks, and the showreel might look pretty skimpy up against your top performer ...

Sure Spicey's greatest hits out him way out of Dame Slap's league, but Dame Slap's a real trier ... you know like Dame Edna Everage in The Marsupials The Howling III ...

And speaking of howling, hear her sing the siren song of the mutton Dutton, complete with a happy snap of her lead when he began his blockbuster appearances and looked vaguely human, rather than his later successful roles as a mutant in the Marvel franchise ...

Okay, it might only be television, but who can't remember that Law and Order sting?

As for the rest, the pond almost collapsed in tears at the humanity of it all ... the valiant battle against taking the X from Xmas, the family man, and oh, the suffering at the hands of those fiends at Fairfax and the ABC ...

How could the bromancer possibly come back? What could he do to match the sheer lachrymose sentimentality of Dame Slap in full verbal diarrhetic flower?

No doubt worthy points, all of them, but it's a bit like sitting through an ancient Australian mini-series dedicated to a Bryce Courtenay novel ...

The Dame is hot, and any moment the pond expects her to begin channeling the mutton Dutton, his spirit weirdly seeping through the ether - did she build her keyboard on an ancient Indian cemetery? - so that she might speak in an eerie voice of his deepest thoughts ...

Watch out liberals, Burkey's got another classic heading your way ...

No wonder that the bromancer's struggling inside the octagon, if the pond might be allowed to change genres and formats for just a moment ...

Oh what a pedant, a spoilsport and a bore. Talk about an interminable dull movie, as long as Cleopatra. What's the chance he wants to replace Rex Harrison as Julius Caesar?

What we need is a classic bit of speechifying to sway the soul ...

Dutton, Dutton! Come on, slap him on page 49 of GQ!

Incredible stuff. Even Rex Reed shed a tear and he had no taste whatsoever ...

In the interests of fair play, the pond should let the bromancer wrap up. After all, we've sat through three acts,  and they did once manage to make a movie about Lloyd's of London ...

Dear sweet long absent lord, no wonder the bromancer can't get people clicking through the turnstile ... it's going to be a dud, a box office flop, a turkey? A genuine Ishtar or Shanghai Surprise, with George doing the tunes?

It's true some think that critics can kill movies, even if the pond thinks it's the word of mouth that does it.

So there's probably a few that think that the minute Dame Slap started to channel the mutton Dutton, his career was almost over, and next thing, he'd be off to China like Matt Damon to make an epic like The Great Wall ... talk about a dud ...

But that's to look into the future, though the pond suspects it will be looking back on this particular movie plotline with considerable pleasure when it comes to charting the mutton Dutton's career ...in much the same way as the pond keeps wondering if world government will arrive by Xmas ...

Meanwhile, please remember ...

... but consolations are available at the candy bar in the foyer ...

And now there's just time for an old featurette already made redundant by the latest Washington plotlines ...