In which the pond's glass slips from nerveless fingers and shatters on the floor ...

Oh please, please, miss, can the pond answer that? 

It's been half-empty because it's been quite a while since the Department of Finance stumped up the last grant report, and we've been running on cash in the paw empty ever since …

And with that ritual out of the way - it never gets old for the pond - it's on with the latest bout of Caterism.

The pond realises that the Caterist is hugely popular amongst those who occasionally drop in to enjoy the pons'a circus, perhaps because clowns work well whether it's a comedy or a horror show.

It mystifies the pond why the reptiles would let the Caterists out from behind the paywall, seeing as how the Caterists probably represent the best path forward for their business plan … a bit like the Speccie mob …

Or maybe not, maybe the pond's just filling its irony quota for the day ...

Never mind, let him out they did, and the pond thought the next best thing to ignoring him was to slip him into the graveyard shift, so that only those with empty glasses would seek him out … 

It apparently doesn't strike Caterists that one of the reasons that Y2K turned out to be a fizzer is because sensible people took sensible precautions …

This hasn't got much to do with optimism or depression or catastrophist thinking. There was an issue, and better to sort it, a bit like climate science, and it's a pity that few listen to actual scientists while the Caterists buzz around providing a sociological understanding of the theology of it all.

This rarely reveals much beyond the generally enormous stupidity of Caterists, but it does help obscure the notion that catastrophes might be best avoided by careful planning. 

This is how the pond only manages to lose its keys once a day, and vital information no more than once a week …

It's typical of closed minds however, that the notion of debating issues immediately results in the visor being lowered and the mind being locked even more tightly inside the aluminium hat, so that no light can penetrate into the dim-witted recesses.

It's true that the pond believes it would be more appropriate for Year 10 students to be asked more sensible questions for debate.

You know, "How stupid is a man who rabbits on about welfarist mentality while sticking out his paw for some Department of Finance cash?" or "If a scribbler get his facts so badly wrong he almost bankrupts a magazine, should he be allowed to keep on scribbling with an air of righteous, smug, self-satisfaction?"

If seeking deeper existential planes, how about a simple but deep, "why is a Caterist?"

Or "if a Caterist deplores the lack of optimism in the world, why does he whine and moan and cavil and keen like a bunny caught in a rabbit trap, and sound like he's chewing off his leg to escape?"

Or "will a Caterist quote a bunch of statistics to prove that he's a goose?"

Or "where's the Caterist?"

But enough of random examples, it's on with the joyful Caterist ...

And there you go. It takes a considerable effort to scribble an entire column about miserablists and the humourless and celebrate the importance of cheerfulness in a column which is resolutely dull and completely void of humour, a vacuous rant about the alarmist zeitgeist which curiously manages to sound both dull and shrill.

And since the pond is always a tad reflexive, it's also remarkable the way that the Caterist managed to sound like an alarmist, as if he was at one with some kind of weird conservative alarmist zeitgeist. Has he thought of just staying in the institute shouting at the clouds, or perhaps hurling goolies at them with a shanghai (Hands up those in the class that thought the pond was referring to testicles in a Chinese city?)

Let us now give credit to the taxpayers at work diligently funding this sort of resolutely humourless and alarmist screed ...

And now please allow the pond to redeem the dire humour situation with a Rowe. 

It's true that the pond itself isn't doing the humour, but it's sometimes good to be able to enjoy a conscious attempt at humour, as opposed to watching a humourless sod demonstrate what a twit he is…without even the excuse that he thought he was playing whack-a-mole ...

Those in search of real humour will of course find more Rowe here ...