In which the pond holds a belated festival of the Slap, come down from the faraway tree, or a neighbouring planet ...

Mortified!

Deeply shocked, ashamed, and apologetic.

To have overlooked Dame Slap this week ... and her just a humble non-'leetist who left school at 15 to take a cleaning job and vowed with Shakespeare to kill all the lawyers and who despises the cheap touting of academic credentials as a measure of anything ...

Bt on the principle that it's better late than never, and we can never have enough Slapism or Trumpism, the pond has decided to hold a Dame Slap festival with enough reading to satiate the most enthusiastic Slap supporters ... for the entire weekend, and perhaps until the next Slapist hit in the lizard Oz ...

Now overlooking the Slap was particularly remiss and deeply regrettable because she featured in one of the bravest, boldest, nay revolutionary experiments in recent reptile history ...

Yes, Dame Slap came down from her hot reptile rock atop the mountain and walked amongst her readers like a gentle Jesus, meek and mild, engaging, debating, discussing, responding to comments ... 

Now we all know the theory ...

... but these few days past, it became a reality.

First the pond must tend to some grudging housekeeping and get what Dame Slap scribbled out of the way.

Think of this as mere scenery setting, stage hands wheeling in and out flats and props before the main show begins ...

It is of course just the usual Slapism mingled with Trumpism ...

Okay, phew, job done.

Thank the long absent lord that sideshow is over,  and we can get down to the real meat, the exchange between teacher and students, between leader and disciples, between seer and followers ...

The pond at one point hoped the result could become the longest blog post in history, so long that the pond didn't know whether blogger would break under the strain and refuse to publish it.

But there's no way that the pond could run in full the undiluted stream of hate, fear and loathing, and much shouting at the spiteful 'leets which "Questions for Janet" produced, as the Janet-heads railed at the vile social media propagation of leftist, indolent, dole bludging welfarist, pinko pervert propaganda ... (and never mind the cover price for the lizard Oz which your average pensioner might regard as truly 'leet).

First, a dire warning ...

Yes, there will be inciteful comments and some readers might get incited.

The pond bears no responsibility or liability for this incitement ...and if you can't stand the incites, then the pond urges you to get out of the kitchen. Ah the joys of the spell checker. Damn you NZ subs ...

There might also be a few key stroke errors...

And despite the pond's valiant attempts to curate this in a way that might see it exhibited one day in the MMA, there might be the odd satirical or post-ironic, post-modernist thrust that finds its way into the compilation ...

But enough of cads, impostors and charlatans, not interested in hearing how blessed the cheesemakers are.

The pond is content to walk with Dame Slap amongst the simple folk, carpenters, fishermen, camel herders, and seek ways to offer them salvation, hope and profound insight ... yes, we must fish for hearts and minds and souls ...

The pond almost wept with joy at these sharp exchanges, and the ever so humble Dame Slap learning from her students, in a form of discourse almost Socratic, and the prolific watchman keeping a careful eye over all and a steady hand on the tiller ...

And now, for those hardy types who can never get enough cod liver oil, the pond offers a further giant sample of Dame Slap and her readers having fun - count them, the number is too huuuge for the pond ...

Oh the reptiles at Murdoch la la land wheeled in a giant keg of kool aid, and plenty of crackers and cheese, and a great time was had by all in the party of the year.

This astonishing, revolutionary approach is likely to save the lizard Oz and ensure it has a further life long after its career as a tree killer is over. Reptile blogging! It's the only way forward ...

Oh dear, the wretched Anna, how did she get in a word? 

Especially when Dame Slap was encouraging her students, cheering them for making great points.

Learn Anna, learn, from sweet Sara, teacher's pet, who made a great point ...

Now along the line, the pond decided to highlight Janet, just to keep track of her many sayings and insights, and so her precious first name - not many people realise her full name out of school is Dame Janet Slap - might bob up marked in yellow ...

Feel friendly towards the teacher and call her Janet if you like, though the ever respectful pond will stick with Dame Slap ...

Oh indeed eternally vigilant watchman, though at this point the pond can sense a certain restlessness in the few wimpy pond readers who have made it this far, thereby ignoring the sounds of despair and discontent emanating from the bunker in Surry Hills ...

Drop off like flies if you will, but there are some top questions ahead ...

Thank you Bruce, another apple for the teacher, how sweet.

Already the pond can hear the shrieks, cries and lamentations from the wicked destined for hellfire, unable to match the stern Dame in her resilient attention to her students' needs ...

Even while befuddled, Dame Slap does her very best to answer.

Now let us see what millions learn for, while miscreants yearn for some sense in the blather ...

Naturally Dame Slap can help her disciples understand the full wickedness of the uncool ABC ...

But wait, there are still more great points to come, as the sly Dame Slap plays devil's advocate ...

Yes, the collapse of the pound is a most promising early sign, and Dame Slap waits patiently to be called up to provide the robust leadership the uncomprehending demand in their deplorable crisis of comprehension. Damn you, dumb deplorables, you're the sickness and Dame Slap is the cure ...

And now for a breath of fresh air. Someone let in that chook from Tamworth so we can have a good clucking ...

Couldn't agree more Adrian, couldn't agree more ... 

Oh even the watchman couldn't take that line about JFK. It's as if Dame Slap hadn't read about one of the great presidential fornicators of the twentieth century.

The debate seems to be getting out of hand. Perhaps Sam could produce a reassuring apple ...

Oh it was naughty wasn't it, but the pond couldn't resist a mention of "inciteful" again. Only the curator at the MMA will get this far and appreciate the post-ironic use of repetition, but after all James Joyce wrote for himself, not for vulgarian deplorables ...

Around this point, the pond began to develop a deep sense of fatigue and ennui, and cut short the context just to go to the ninety per cent pure Dame Slap ...

Indeed, indeed, and let's not forget that climate science is rigged. In fact, anything that might be described as "scientific" is rigged. The pond knows for a fact that "scientific" polls are rigged, unlike the online polls at Drudge that the Donald swears by ...

And now deep breath, because the pond promises never to torture anyone like this - even the sole silly person who lasted this far - ever, ever again ...

After all this, the pond is humbled and humble.

It can't claim this post as being of record length fit for Guinness. That achievement lies elsewhere. There are hundreds more comments beneath Dame Slap's epic engagement.

But it's likely that anyone who asks for more Dame Slap will think twice before they utter the fatal request.

The pond waited a couple of days to see if there would be more pronouncements by the Dame, but after a while concluded there would be done.

It was as if, having pushed the rock aside, she disappeared to somewhere else, leaving her disciples gasping in awe, admiration and wonder.

She did her bit, she saved the lizard Oz, and she generously revealed to the world the demographic of the rag ...

Now she has gone back to walking amongst in disguise, perhaps ordering a glass of milk from a neighbourhood bar as she continues her valiant fight to restore truth, liberty and justice to the world, while crushing the thuggee 'leets ...

The pond is enormously pleased and proud to have been a part of the admiring throng ...