In which the reptiles realise Dame Slap isn't up to it anymore, and bring back Capt'n Flint, reporting for dooty me hearties ...

 

 

The pond likes to live a rich fantasy life ... perhaps not as rich as Rudy or Toobin, but still, as the pond looked over the lizard Oz offerings today, it began to wonder ...

Sure there was simplistic Simon doing his usual monumental suck, and sure, early in the morning, there was the lizard Oz trying to boost the content by highlighting the lizard Oz editorialist ... but wonders of wonders, had the pond's trip off to the Speccie mob reminded the lizard Oz that Flinty still existed, and surely was the right man for the hour, especially as Dame Slap simply refuses to acknowledge the existence of the Donald? Did the pond have that much influence in the heartland? Oh please indulge the fantasy life, and indulge our Flinty, me hearties ...

 

 

 

 

Flinty would show simplistic Simon the right way to do a monumental suck ... and show that at last some real loonacy had returned home to where it belonged ... not amongst the Speccie mob, but in the lizard Oz, showing the reptiles what a real parrot with a piece of eight can produce ...

 

 

 

 

The pond loves Flinty and his Borat-like certainty, and should Borat ever come to Australia, the chances of Flinty doing a Rudy must be rated as high. But sadly the pond must report feeling a little deprived, a little nouvelle cuisine, at the size of the Flinty serving ... 

 

That's it? Talk of the long march, and then the pure gold of The Donald "... is a law-abiding president."

Oh well, can't complain, must feel blessed, must now slip in a Rowe cartoon, with more Rowe here, before moving on ...

 

 

What do you know? It turned out that the pond felt blessed doubly this day, because the reptiles had taken the trouble to introduce some relatively new and obscure blood ...

 

 

 

 

 

Indeed, indeed. What a scandal, how shocking, fancy wanting to fix the ills that ail the world. Oh for the days when women knew their place, men went off to war, and children were silent unless spoken to ... speak of those long lost golden times, Mr Fahey ...

 

An awareness of global issues? Why that's profoundly disturbing. The pond assumes Mr Fahey is talking in code of alarming things like fake faux false climate science, and such like matters, the sort of outrageous nonsense to be found in 'Sleeping giant' Arctic methane deposits starting to release, scientists find ...

What we really need is to get back to talking about the empire, the stump-jump plough, and why terra nullius has been has been unfairly stigmatised, scorned, slurred, defamed, discredited and pilloried by those long marchers through the institutions ... but alas and alack, after a serving of hour long boiled peas (remember to throw in bicarb of soda to keep the green look) and a greasy chop and fried egg, Mr Fahey too delivered a short second gobbet ...

 

Yes, yes, we should embrace the Stalinist habit of teaching students what to think. None of this giving themselves airs and fancying that they might think for themselves ... and none of this awful progressive globalism. We need the world to fry, and the sooner the better, if we're going to be able to fry an egg on the bonnet of a car in mid-winter, in the Tamworth way ...

This was all good stuff, and much appreciated by the pond, but when it came to the bonus, the pond was confronted by an awful dilemma, a real Sophie's choice ...

 

 

The Caterists have issued a report? "Ned" insisting that Labor must?

There was something about "Ned's" mustiness that got to the pond, because whenever the pond hears anyone say that the pond must, the pond goes all rebellious and global awareness and such like civil disobedience ... the pond blames it on a traditional education.

But then Dame Slap has been a big disappointment of late, with her resolute refusal to write about the Donald, such that the reptiles have been forced to import Flinty to do her duties for her.

Instead she shows no global awareness at all, except for a belief that Victoria is a foreign country, and they do things differently there ...

What a choice for the bonus, but in the end, the cult master whispered to the pond, and the choice was made ...

Please don't ask the pond to make any sense of that cult master effort, be content with splendid mystification, or the opinion of experts if they should happen to turn up in the comments. 

Is that sign pointing to St Kilda a hint that SloMo is a North Fitzroy bat who refuses to cross the river? But what of the blue water? It can't be the mighty Yarra, because that's a mighty, muddy brown, can it? Is it the bay? But why then the sign and the land beyond? And why does the bat have a fin? Is it the sort of gummy shark you can catch off the Prom - very tasty, if a transgressive eat - and that explains the gummy mouth?

Mystery upon talking in tongues like a Barrett mystery, upon sublime transubstantiation mystification if only he wasn't an evangelical awaiting the rapture, upon cult master transformation of a confusing kind ...

 

 

 

 

Of course it's wondrous to see Dame Slap slag off SloMo, using comrade Dan as her sand wedge ... that'll teach simplistic Simon a lesson. But the pond must still mark her down as an epic fail, because surely at some point she should have mentioned the glorious triumphs of the Donald in combating the virus? 

 

Or what about Boris? Surely while berating comrade Dan, Dame Slap could have paused for a second to admire the latest headlines ... UK daily Covid deaths rise to 367 - highest figure since late May ...

Must this sort of diligent work always be left to Killer Creighton?

 

 

Oh dear, that last barb about the sharks was cruel, and perhaps explains the cult master, since even the pond is aware that the thugby leaguers were losers, suckers and dropkicks, a bit like the bunnies, though the pond blames that on Rusty needing the cash and appearing in Unhinged, which was so bad the pond began to feel some sympathy for Rusty, so low has he sunk since his high-handed artistic days when he dismissed the likes of Jocelyn Moorhouse out of hand ...

But the pond digresses, as Putin mandates face masks and the Donald surges and how cruel of Obama to suggest he was jealous of COVID's media coverage, and stories of the White House Declares Pandemic Over As it Cites Renowned Scientist Ivanka Trump  kind... and all Dame Slap can do is slag off SloMo, while defending the corporate rich, as a good IPA stooge must do ...

Yes, it's pleasing that Dame Slap clearly loathes SloMo, he must really be getting up IPA noses, but the pond doesn't have much time for him either, so what's the point? 

A little more global awareness from Dame Slap might have helped sort out this domestic bickering, but alas, we are no longer allowed to be aware of global issues or global crusades.

Perhaps then, as a closer, a local crusade, as celebrated by the infallible Pope, with a terrific Don Quixote and a most excellent Sancho Panza ...

In which the pond goes on a reptile diet, with the Allan key and a Switzering ...

 

 

From a glut to a famine.

Yesterday the pond went on a reptile binge, gorging on the lizard Oz's best and brightest, and ending up feeling as full as a goog.

Today? The pond has slimmed right down and gone on a strict diet. 

Just look at the offerings. There's Dame Groan, moaning and whining in her usual way, and asking "who cares?" and the pond suddenly realised it didn't care, didn't care at all, no, not really, not a skerrick of interest, especially with Dame Groan apparently the only one to care ...

Did the pond care about sanitary pads in Wales? Not really. The pond might have perked up at a Boris story, but no doubt John Crace at the Graudian will crank into gear and all will be well ...

As for the reptiles trying to cope with comrade Dan, the pond was reminded of the data comparing the situation in May in France and Victoria (potential for dire looking grim) with the current situation in France (truly dire) and the current situation in Victoria (relief), and thought the immortal Rowe offered all that needed to be said on the topic, with Rowe always adding more to the conversation here ...

 

 

 

Hmm, a dash of champers in the tent, wot wot?

And then the pond got to the commentary section, where all that's great at the lizard Oz usually resides, and what a dismal bunch presented themselves, a second eleven, with selection of even a single reptile for the pond team a difficult choice...

 

 

 

They tossed up hack Fergo to have a go at comrade Dan? And there was the bouffant one, up the bum of SloMo as usual, celebrating his ability to act ruthlessly, and never mind his indifference to an actual body designed to investigate such matters rather than ad hoc, knee jerk reactions of a populist kind? Outrage is how we do policy these days? How the Donald's baleful influence turns up everywhere ...

And what was this wretched Tracey """ Burton doing, carrying on with some woke nonsense about ageism? Everyone knows, thanks to Killer Creighton, that the reptiles' preferred strategy is to kill off old folk so that the young and the economy might thrive. Now they're going to fill gaps in the care sector, instead of carking it?

And speaking of workers, what's with the Workman trying to make a comedy out of trademarking the Canberra bubble ?

Sheesh it was dire, and the one genuine, certified loon - from Queensland of course - turned out to be an epic waste of time.

The opening was ominous with the Allan key using the first person ...

 

 

Oh it was too much, way too much. All those "I's" and "my's" and a photo of himself below a photo of himself, and preening and posturing and boasting how he knew his way around the game ... 

Even the dumbest reptiles know that's not how you enter the fray ... you have to purport a little modesty, a little servility, a oneness with suburban minds, a harmony with Penrith, suffering because of those dreadful Victorians ...

Even worse, what followed was an academic storm in a tea cup ...

 

What? Couldn't do a little TG bashing? Went to Jimbo to have a good cry? Wasted a few tissues on those damned uncaring students? And that's it, that's supposed to be the pond's feed for the day?

And then the pond made a solemn oath. If Allan opened his next gobbet with "take the Peter Ridd case ...", the pond would run screaming from the room ...

 

That's it? That's the best Allan can do by way of a reptile litany? 

Why on a good day, a Dame Slap could jump from the suffering of Queensland academics to the Riddster to a whole world of grievances, slights, whines and complaints ... 

Even worse, the Allan key ruined the bolt by making a nakedly false claim. 

The Riddster hasn't been silenced, he turns up in the lizard Oz from time to time boasting proudly that he's an "independent scientist", because you know, other scientists are so dependent ... 

Oh but it's hard to give up a comfortable university gig, and discover life in the real world, and find out that pissing inside the tent on a decent stipend was much more fun ...

And as for the tiresome Allan, moaning and whining about campus life, there he is as large as life, on view in the lizard Oz, whining away, but not like a Dame Groan on steroids ... no, like he couldn't even be fucked doing a decent litany, a prerequisite for any member of the reptile commentariat.

Why didn't he even mention the injustice done to the Pellists and the current conspiracy? What about the suffering of QAnon believers? And so on and so forth ...

And then the pond remembered its promise to run screaming from the room. 

A cursory look at the lizard Oz editorialist, and the pond decided that a promise made should be a promise kept ... but then lo, the reptiles decided to toss the pond another bone, a Switzer of a bone ...

 

 

It's true that Switzer is one of the reasons the pond stopped listening to RN. Who knew which dark alley he might turn up in ready, to blather on about Biden's radical agenda, while doing a billy goat butt of this kind: It’s true that Biden, a Senate veteran from 1973 to 2009 before becoming Barack Obama’s vice-president, is instinctively a pragmatic centre-left politician with no firm convictions. Not for him the “democratic socialism” of the party activists.

But there's sure to be a radical agenda somewhere ...and our Switzer is just the RN man to find it ...

Never mind, all things considered, it was a chance to run a few cartoons ... and for the pond to ease off the diet, and fatten up just a little ...

 

Yes, that'd help the pond get through a Switzering and a video in the guise of a screen cap ...

 

 

 

 

Yes, yes, and what about the cartoon shortage that we might encounter?

 

 

 

 

 

Oh the radical agenda, oh the FDR, what next, we might beat the depression and Hitler?

 

 

 

 

Eek, he's wearing a mask. The pond will need two cartoons to get over the shock ... 

 

And so to a final reminder of why the pond should avoid RN, and stick with Polonius chattering on about the way that the ABC doesn't have enough decent conservatives on staff, and instead must settle for a dullard Switzering every so often ... who'd have thought that anyone could make the bromancer sound like a rocket scientist of enjoyable lunacy?

 

 

Yes, keep on blathering, keep on Switzering, and you might get your dream of four more years of the Donald. Four more years, or maybe eight, or perhaps twelve ...  and then what a supply of cartoons the pond will have ...

It was time to run screaming from the room, pausing only to grab an infallible Pope on the way ...

 

 

 

 

In which the pond breaks its rule of three because this sodden day there's a feast of reptile follies ...

 

 

 

Is it finally time to abolish or privatise the ABC? The pond is just asking for a friend ... it already has the lizard Oz standing by on a daily basis to warn of the dangers of inner city left-wing 'leets, and perhaps Gaven Morris would feel more at home in reptile la la land ...

As proof, what a bumper day it was at the lizard Oz this day. Surely Monday is the very best day, when reptiles in their very best plumage do their very best to plumb new depths of satirical absurdity ...

That's why the expert in the movement of floodwaters in quarries simply had to go first, as the best of the best ... or if you will, the worst of the worst ...

 

Say what? The pond had nothing to say, no interruptions between gobbets, no comments? 

But wait, what's there to say about a man so fucked in the head, so delusional that he imagines he's more than a wart on the world of science, a gnat of mindless sociological stupidity, so keen to prove what an adept scientist he is that he attempted to chart the movement of flood waters in quarries, and ended up with a massive defamation finding against him ... evidence that the Caterist long ago slipped deep into the swamp, polarised and tainted by his own prejudice and stupidity ... 

Confronted with more evidence, why bother to comment? Why not just present the stripped down, pandemic, home studio version, the kind that's been turning up lately on NPR's Tiny Desk concerts ... maybe we could call it the Tiny Caterist Mind show ...

The pond simply couldn't indulge in comments,  because this day it had a plethora of reptiles pleading for attention, and none more impressive than jolly Joe, who in his short time at the paper, has proved most adept at commanding a cult following ... and indeed, the reptiles have recognised this by ignoring the Caterist and bestowing on jolly Joe a cult illustration ...

 

 

Sure, it's not by the cult master himself, but still, it being a second rate cult illustration says a lot about jolly Joe and his obsession with Mary. There's no doubt something about Mary that compels jolly Joe ... though whether it's semen in the hair, as in that shocking film, or simply her ability to make Joe sound fabulously condescending is something the pond is still trying to work out ...

 

Who but Joe could scribble "personality politics is vanity politics" just after brooding about how Kristen Welker did the Donald down? Only a man capable of delivering a masterpiece budget in 2014, explaining why to this point he's apparently failed to notice the Donald's bronzed, rancid orange appearance, his peculiar hair, his exceptional narcissist vanity, and his rabid populism, full of personal attacks and abuse ...

No, it can't be the semen in Mary's fictional hair ...

 

Meanwhile, right now, in the United States there is a pandemic going down, killing many more Americans than lost their lives in fighting in Vietnam, and yet by reading jolly Joe, the pond can thankfully escape the bad news, and head back to 1968 ... even if it's already done that last week with Sorkin's movie ...

 

 

 

Well it wouldn't be a reptile outing without giving the Donald a chance. Take note, Gaven Morris this is how you should be doing it, if you want to appeal to the redneck vote, and stay in harmony with SloMo, and sell your soul for shekels ...

And now for a change of pace ...

 

 

What's so appealing about this piece, Gaven, and why should the ABC be featuring more of this sort of thing? Well the Oreo was once a feminist, but now she's a reformed, recovering feminist, perhaps with a desire to become a handmaiden, certainly with a desire to acknowledge that the patriarchy is right and just and proper in its suggestion that men should rule over their wives ...

 

 

Might not the Oreo be in a position, as a reformed, recovering feminist, to serve as handmaiden or complimentary woman to a Sydney Anglican? Why it's a wondrous thing to behold, Gaven, please take note, please observe how we're miles from inner city 'leets (never mind where the Sydney Anglicans have their cathedral), and as joyous as observing the Caterist on science, or jolly Joe on Mary and her strangely bouffant 1960s, nicely gelled and sprayed with something hair ...

 

 

The pond is extremely pleased at the Oreo's desire to become a handmaiden and perhaps join a Catholic cult ...

In the secretive world of the ultra-conservative People of Praise, large belt buckles are considered a sin.
'They draw attention to the crotch region,' a former member told DailMail.com exclusively.
Perfume and cologne are banned for similar reasons. 'That would indicate you are trying to tempt someone with pheromones,' the ex-member explained.
And single women are told they can only wear plain white cotton panties. 'Certainly, no thongs —not that anyone is going to see their underwear anyway,' the member, who asked for anonymity, said.
These are just some of the rules that Supreme Court nominee Amy Coney Barrett was raised under as a member of People of Praise, a mainly Roman Catholic faith group that boasts fewer than 1,700 adult members.

No, the pond isn't going to link to the Daily Snail, but could someone please check the size of any belt buckle the Oreo might be seen wearing, and please avoid the pheromones which might help explain the pond's infatuation with the Oreo ...

 

Excellent stuff, though the pond is sad to report that the Donald is in to discrimination, and doesn't much like Oreos anymore ...

 

 

 

Sad ... and yet he once devoured Oreos, just like the pond.

Speaking of breaking rules, the pond couldn't resist scoffing down one more reptile this most excellent day.

The pond's usual rule is no more than two reptiles, and perhaps a bonus, but golly, it's cold and bleak in the pond's inner-city 'leet haven - not that the pond expects the ABC to report such pathetic news - so what better than to gorge, pig out, and swallow a generous serve of the Major Mitchell (yes, the pond cooked the stone and the parrot and after five hours in the pot, threw away the Major and served the stone) ...

The pond loves this story, what with Rudy and Borat and the shenanigans and malarkey that went on within the New York Post ...

Most of all the pond loves the notion of a legally blind computer repair shop owner fiddling with hard drives ... even more than Rudy fiddling with his pants ... (here, if you want to waste a NY Times hit and dive into murky waters)

 

It goes without saying that the Major is an expert in this sort of investigation. Why, he's still looking for that Order of Lenin medal he fitted on to Manning Clark ...

Yes, it takes the pond back to the very best halcyon days of the Major at his finest ...

 

 

 

There's more at Crikey here, and it seems to be outside the paywall,  and that's why the pond had to go cartoon free this day ... because the Major was in ripper form, and there's little doubt that Twitter and the like would have had some doubts about the Major doing down Clark, and what an outrage that would have been ...

 

You see Gaven? We already have the Major to hand to rant about journalists of the left? What need of the ABC?

If we want alternative news sources, we can just enjoy a Kudelka here ...

 

 

We have the Major for the filler rant to stick between the cartoons... even if he must eventually run out of steam with his blather about the left media ...

 

Oh fucketty fuck, it's just too hilarious ... a Murdochian of the Major kind talking about good journalism and the drift from impartiality, and notions of impartiality and balance. 

It's too rich, in this world of Fox News ...

And so to the pond catching up with the immortal Rowe, with more Rowe here, and that's more than enough reptile nonsense for a sodden day ... sure, the reptiles might have spent a little of their faux outrage on all those stories, but remember, we have Gaven and his team to do that ... don't we? Or is it, did we?