In which the dog botherer nips at the heels of hapless Barners ...

The pond is supposed to be on limited reptile rations, but look what the reptiles stuck at the top of the fickle finger of digital fate …

How could the pond resist the sight of the dog botherer nipping at Barners' heel or shank?

The reptiles weren't sure what was best … to trash talk a trash talker, or to urge dignified silence, though the notion of 'dignified' sounds a tad odd if applied to Barners ...

Oh dear, as if conservatives ever gave up the chance at hypocrisy, it being an essential part of the human condition.

But enough of the social media dance, it's on with the nipping, the herding and the worrying ...

Such class. Not only slipping the shiv into poor old Barners, but at the same time promoting the dog botherer's rival talkfest … why, between watching the dog botherer harass issues and people in his usual ratbag way, and contemplating Barners in the Seven gutter, the dog botherer makes a potent argument that enjoying the mud wrestling on Seven might be a better way to spend Sunday evening …

How is it possible to urge dignified silence on Barners when the dog bother clearly doesn't have the first clue about dignified silence?

Did he really need to put out this piece promoting Seven and himself, and thereby force the pond to note the promotion, in a way that might well be construed, in a post-ironic, post-modernist way as also being promotional?

Never mind, the pond has broken its late afternoon diet, and promises to reform. Perhaps the new trajectory for the world economy will lead to quieter times …

In which the pond is thoughtfully corrected by the savvy Savva ...

The pond is always in need of correction, and thankfully the reptiles are on hand on a daily basis to provide it.

The pond unwisely thought that Newspoll was all about counting the number of straight losses that Malware achieved … after he'd kindly explained how it was because the onion muncher was such a dropkick loser thirty times in a row that he needed to be dropped …

Foolish pond. Of late the reptiles have, in a seemly and diligent way, explained how wrong the pond gets things, and how comrade Bill is on a hiding to nothing, and how thirty times, or forty, or whatever is a supreme never no mind in the scheme of things …

And so on and on, poll interpretation taken to the highest form of art, more subtle than a mathematical piece of Bach.

It's hard, grafting work, down in coal pit, body blackened and wracked with pain, but someone's got to do it, and frabjous joy, on a Thursday, the most expert of them all, the savvy Savva, gets stuck into the task …

The pond had foolishly thought that the antics of good old Barners, Tamworth refugee now resident in Armidale, was the event of the week, and would soon crank into overdrive on the weekend, though the pond is likely to have an out of hours appointment having root canal therapy rather than enjoy the televisual feast …

And the easily misled pond thought that was going to be the subject of the savvy Savva's piece, what with the header suggesting Barners was something of a joker, and the piece scoring the Lobbecke certified status of a cult hit with a stunning portrait of Barners clutching a rather plump woman, as if there was another pregnancy on the way … (will that be the weekend news?)

Foolish pond … of course it had to be about how comrade Bill was getting it wrong, and how the wretched unions were cashing in and mucking things up, and so on and on ...

The pond was almost as confused as the savvy Savva. What about the joker? Whither the misdirection of the Lobbecke? Would Barners score a place in the team? Or would that precious petal Wong step up to the plate instead?

Now this is some compensation for the failure of Barners to appear. Who wouldn't enjoy the notion of Craig "the lesser" Kelly being called a poodle tethered to the onion muncher?

But the pond fears that the savvy Savva might overlook an even sillier loon recently featured in the lizard Oz …

It's a little late for that isn't it?

More here, currently outside the paywall, and what a splendid pic to illustrate the piece … 

As for that hapless state treasurer clown, the pirouetting Perrottet, he does show why New South Wales is totally fucked, with a government incapable of building a tram line or looking at anything built in the last couple of decades without being consumed by a desire to knock it down, and give the job to a few mates, before getting some more mates to do a new erection …

Oh piketty fucketty fuck, the pond will bear all that in mind the next time it tries to catch a bus, train or tram in Sydney …

But back to the savvy Savva, who at last got around to dealing with the Joker ...

Say what?

The solution to Barners is to send him on his way, the very same way that the savvy Savva has urged the north shore Liberal 'leets to chose when it comes to the onion muncher standing again for his seat?

Never mind, at the end, it seems as if all the double dealing and the double crosses and the fickle loyalties might still get the Libs over the line, and Australia can continue on in a world where the noble party isn't beholden to dangerous rich folk or sinister 'leets …

Or some such thing.

The pond is always in need of correction, though perhaps instead of wading through all this verbiage, a good spanking on the bottom with a magazine might have to suffice …

Oh sheesh, does it have to be that edition? 

The pond has an intense dislike for contrast collars on shirts, and for those who wear them. Can't it be this one?

And now as the Donald somehow works his way into everything, here's a few cartoons celebrating the state of things in the alleged land of the allegedly free …

In which the pond celebrates the return of Moorice ...

Oh steady on, jayrobbo, that's a bit rich, who said that the mighty Moorice was in any way pretending to be a journalist, when everyone knows he's one of the most famous climate scientists doing the rounds, with heaps of peer-reviewed studies and epic boots-on-the-ground treks to climate hotspots around the world to reinforce his studies with practical, hard-won experience.

To call that journalism entirely misses the point, and besides, the pond resents you summing up the entire point of the pond in a single sentence.

"To call what you do journalism is laughable" sent the pond off in search of a copyright action, but lamentably the pond has never managed to be so concise …

Never mind, the reptiles are facing an existential crisis, and you should have been a bit more caring. Look at how the digital edition joined together these two stories this morning ...

Talk about mortifying, talk about a dire threat to manly existence …

The pond, and most women the pond knows, judges the size of a man's penis by the size of his car's exhaust pipes.

And now! This is the sort of ball-breaking leftist feminism that threatens to ruin the country!!

Oh there's nothing like two large, throbbing, pulsing exhaust pipes to induce a sense of sexual excitement in the pond …

Where were we? Back with Moorice and the pond wildly excited that for once the reptiles have let the beast out of his cage to stalk the earth with his shattering findings …

What's that you say? He's having yet another go at their ABC …

Oh dear, who'd have thunk it, but as they say, it's hard to take the stripes off a tiger, and as for the spots on Moorice's leopard ...

Now here the pond confesses it has nothing to say, except admire Moorice and his exceptional rhetoric, in much the same way that when the doddering mad uncle comes down from the attic, it's best to say nothing if the aim is to avoid setting off a ranting fit about clouds, lawns, and whatever else is passing by ...

Okay, in the manner of sweet Orwellian sophistry, the tirade directed at Brissenden seems to have sweet fuck all to do with Moorice's header about climate propaganda as science at the ABC, but steady, troops, that's just Moorice warming up … a bit like the planet …

Where would we be without Moorice mentioning that dreaded socialist a couple of times? (Does Moorice realise that George was an actual, living, gasp, onetime breathing socialist?)

And so to more on the ABC ...

Hmm, on the matter of Brown Brothers, it seems that it wasn't just Brissenden.

Why there was Rebecca Huntley back on 4th December 2016, How climate change is affecting the wine we drink:

...When John returned to Milawa in regional Victoria after finishing boarding school in 1958, he harvested his first vintage of grapes in the early days of April.  
Fifty years later, the grapes are off the vines by April, with picking often starting in February. Within a generation, the harvest start date has shifted along with the climate in the valley. It's a dramatic indication of how climate change is affecting the way we make wine in Australia. 
"It's probably more apparent in terms of earlier ripening, more rapid ripening and more compact vintages," said Brett McClen, Brown Brothers' chief viticulturist, responsible for six vineyards in Victoria and Tasmania. "We are working with shorter time frames. Once upon a time a vintage would have taken 100 days but we do the bulk of it within 60 days," he said. 
This earlier and compressed vintage poses a real challenge right through the chain of production. "It puts enormous pressure on the processing logistics, the winery infrastructure," said Mr McClen. "You can only put a certain number of grapes through processing at a time. These days we do a lot of white varieties and they require refrigeration as well." 
A condensed harvest means the clock is ticking for growers, who have to get the fruit off the vine before it is over-ripe. Riper fruit makes for higher alcohol wines, which is great if you're 18 and looking to get smashed, but hurts winemakers.

"Quality can be impacted by higher alcohol levels and it impacts export markets," explained Mr McClen. "There is a consumer preference for lighter, lower alcohol wines. Some of the big overseas retailers actually don't want alcohol levels over a certain per cent." 
As a response to the changing climate in Victoria, Brown Brothers have invested in vineyards in Tasmania. In 2010 they purchased land in Tamar Ridge and on the island's east coast. 
According to Mr McClen, this was a response to both climate change and consumer interest in wines Tasmania excels at such as pinot noir. While he sees a strong future for wine in Victoria, the Tasmanian investment is about adapting and risk mitigation. 
"Brown Brothers is a multi-generational business," he said. "They are willing to take a 50-year approach to things."

The pond urgently looked around and found that Brown Brothers was a bit leery about getting into the climate science debate with a bunch of crazies, and it turned out that Moorice was just channeling another climate change crazy, IPA loon Jennifer Marohasy, scribbling furiously for the Speccie mob about Brown Brothers back on 30th April 2018. (No link because of the risk to mental health, but easily googled).

It seems poor old Brissenden had just been recycling an ABC favourite illustrating the changing landscape due to climate change, but was immediately consigned to Orwellian hell for his recycling cheek by the IPA Speccie mob and Moorice …

Well, the pond could do for Moorice what he did to Brissenden, by wandering down memory lane to the time when Malware kicked him out of his onion muncher appointment, but that's easily recalled by heading off to the Graudian for Maurice Newman claims to be head of business council disbanded by Turnbull …

Ah, glory days …it's hard being the mad uncle sent to the attic.

As for the rest of the science? Well it's Moorice, so actually it's just more of the ranting.

Watch out clouds, stand clear of lawns ...

There you go jayrobbo. The pond insists on a correction.

What you should have written was "To call what you do informed commentary is laughable".

Now perhaps the reptiles could answer a simple question. How soon will you get rid of your paywall so that we can all read your laughable commentary for free, as you try to demonstrate there's no need for public broadcasting?

Well if you've got to give away Sky for free, on what deluded warming planet do you expect people to pay for the pleasure of reading Moorice?

Good luck with your answer, and in the meantime, here's a Pope having fun with reptile fears, with more papery to hand at The Canberra Times here ...

In which the pond does R and D with Bjorn ...

The pond is acutely aware that the comedy of the day is happening elsewhere in the soap suds of daily life - as when the lizards of Oz ran a story promoting the Seven promotion for Barners' shame, before he hopped in to meet Malware and then headed out of town, apparently unaware that he'd certified that his ongoing saga was worth meaningful moola to the more low-life forms of the media …

But the pond must remain true to its mission, and who better to celebrate the reptile mission with than that old stager, Bjorn …

Sorry Ron, the news that you're paying for the lizard Oz immediately means your thoughts must be discounted, and worse, what have you got against dog-poop? 

Surely you could have found something a little more appropriate … say dinosaur poop … why you could have sounded quite fancy saying that the lizards of Oz output was worse than coprolite …

Such technicalities aside, the pond could by now write a Bjorn piece in its sleep. 

Take a soft target - now they're hating babies, won't someone think of the babies - and blather away and then conclude that climate change isn't so bad after all, and won't cost much, but a few things should be done - not too many mind, maybe a little R and D - and then pocket the loose change, and then wander off like a Barners in search of Armidale …

Now let's see how the pond did …

Now the pond doesn't want to be thought of as a Dick Smith, but the thought that the world might reach 10 billion or so by 2050, and many of them will aspire to the status of obese Americans devouring resources so they can drive around in ridiculously large trucks occasionally gives the pond a little pause for thought … until it remembers that it won't be around, and with a cheerful wave to the young 'uns, wanders off for a rest, like Barners heading to Armidale …

As for the rest, the moment that the dissembling Bjorn scribbles a line like "the truth is", the truth is the pond reaches for its Glock …

Bjorn has never really shown much interest in the truth, as opposed to dissembling, skewering and distorting…

It's in his nature, and tt's beyond the sanguine and the optimistic to quote the US expecting emissions to drop over the next few decades … 

Why that's to bring into question the enormous capacity of the Donald and his minions of the Pruitt kind to do their worst …

The last the pond checked world-wide emissions were still on the rise, here, and the Donald might well manage to turn the US around and help in the process, especially if assorted states can't stop him…

But begone dull care, good luck young 'uns, it's time for the good news portion of the Bjorn post …

Uh huh. It so happens that the only place you can read about this talk of "zero net cost" is in the lizard Oz - it last turned up on January 3rd 2018 with the author urging that green energy R and D was the best defence against warming … who might that author have been?

Of course everyone wants zero net costs, but to arrive at this sort of blithe assurance is to walk through a minefield of hotly contested definitions and values … and Bjorn manages the sort of expert fudge the pond expects from a US caramel lover, when it might be better to read other works on the estimated costs of economic damage, as at the Graudian here ...

But having a discussion on Bjorn's terms is a meaningless exercise. He has a mantra, a litany, and he always sticks to it through thick and thin, and the end result is always the same twaddle, with the same routine about confronting the challenge, and spending a little on R and D, and meanwhile, everything is hunky dory and let's get on with devouring what the world has to offer, because where's the harm?

Meanwhile, the pond has lost its chance of comedy for the day, and there's much comedy to be found …

What joy that cartoonists can now also be found on Twitter, with David here, and Wilcox here ...

In which Dame Slap finds a way to go Cross of St George and Dark Web ...

 

It's always good to start the day with a joke, and what fun it was to see the onion muncher being heavily trolled … 

Anyone wanting the full effect can twitter away here ... leading to the key question for the day … is the onion muncher or Barners the biggest political joke of the day, or is it Malware because he actually has the capacity to muck things up, as with the naked attack on industry funds (yes, industry, not union), as opposed to under-performing rip-off funds?

Never mind, as always, Wednesday is Dame Slap day, and the pond will follow her through thick and thin … even if the reptiles struck a sour note with some of their promotional activities for her …

Sheesh, she was given the Lobbecke of the day and they lead with a mug shot of a ratbag mug? Here's how they did it earlier ...

That's more like it, fierce controversy and the Lobbecke at the top of the tweet, and the clever lad has framed it 16:9 so that we can get an evocative iPhone 4:3 look, with bonus blur, and blind justice wreaking havoc …

Well the pond has delayed enough, it's time to get on with it, and get another serve of the graphic master ...

Actually the pond immediately headed off to the Graudian here and to The Independent here …astonished as it was to discover that there was a right wing fundamentalist ratbag of the bigoted kind that was too extreme for Dame Slap, though not for Don Jr. or Roseanne, as noted in Time here.

Greg Hunters have probably already checked the ratbag here, and there was more on the matter at Leeds Live here … but now it's back to the Dame, recovering from her naughty behaviour to slip in a kind word for ratbag bigots going about their daily business ...

Phew, what a relief, for a moment there the pond was worried, but the Dame came through, with a reminder that the road to totalitarianism is rarely driven along by right wing extremists of the racist kind … damn you leftists, damn you to hell for your refusal to acknowledge that the right to abuse minorities on the basis of sex, race, religion, sexuality, whatever, is god-given … when everyone knows uppity women, pesky, difficult blacks, useless poofters and wayward Islamics are the ruination of everything …

Luckily, it's time to feel some sympathy for Cross of St George wearers … and for denizens of the Intellectual Dark Web … one of the sillier ideas celebrated in the NY Times here ...

Actually, nowhere in the Dame's middle lies the truth. 

Stephen Yaxley-Lennon is just another attention-seeking ratbag, of no intellectual distinction, but with a mindless capacity to generate trouble, and in this particular case, to set up a situation whereby astute defence lawyers might have been able to use his behaviour to cost the justice system and the taxpayer hundreds of thousands of pounds, while incidentally threatening the court's ability to reach a decision on the crimes before it …

That sort of destructive, mindless stupidity can't be hidden behind the mindless, meaningless rhetoric Dame Slap offered up in her final par …

As for the rest, it was left to the immortal Pope to address the pigs whispering in the ears of Malware's mob, with more papal insights here ...

In which the pond consigns the snowflakes to eternal damnation and hellfire ...

Good old Barners, and good on the dog botherer …

It's the usual Australian tragedy, the suffering of the hapless male, the relentless burden of having to deal with the shrewish ball and chain, the impossibility of putting foot down and abiding by principles or seemliness when the bloody woman is on the prowl ...

It's all her fault:

Say that she rail, why then I'll tell her plain 
She sings as sweetly as a nightingale: 
Say that she frown, I'll say she looks as clear 
As morning roses newly washed with dew: 
Say she be mute and will not speak a word, 
Then I'll commend her volubility, 
And say she uttereth piercing eloquence: 
If she do bid me pack, I'll give her thanks, 
As though she bid me stay by her a week:
If she deny to wed, I'll crave the day 
When I shall ask the banns and when be married.

Oh if I be waspish, best beware my sting:

Uh huh, this bids to become an infinite saga of media jest … but stay, the pond has more serious matters afoot.

Was it only this morning that the pond predicted that the reptiles would keep droning on and on and on about religious freedom? Which is to say the freedom to abuse and demonise and defile the 'other' and the alien …

Oh the suffering, oh the humanity, though the actual header is a little too clever by half, suggesting as it does that churches not only preach bigotry, hate, fear, loathing, exclusion, prejudice and discrimination, but also practise it …

Indeed, indeed, and in the usual reptile way, Sexton QC is deeply concerned by the suffering of assorted fundamentalists and bigots, but finds it hard to talk about the suffering of assorted milksops, sooks and snowflakes who might take a view on being consigned to hell …

Of course the rubber will hit the road for the reptiles when they step up to the plate to defend the right of Islamic fundamentalists to speak their minds on assorted matters … say, the need to diminish the hegemony of the Catholic Boys' Daily … and proffer their thoughts on the political incorrectness of pig eaters ...

The AFC is the most politically correct of all the sporting bodies?

How silly is that? Even the pond knows that there's not a single gay player in the AFL.

Oh sure a comedian might have claimed he once had a brief relationship with a Sydney Swans player, and there's constant talk of someone, anyone, coming out, but usually it's Australia 'not ready' for an AFL player to come out gay …

...he has noticed that the practice of fans calling a hated player or umpire a "faggot" has not gone out of fashion.

At least one thugby leaguer came out, and quite a few in professional rugger bugger, although everyone in a scrum should be analysed for certain propensities, and it certainly could become interesting if David Pocock decides to give Folau a hug after a try is scored … and pardon the pond's complete ignorance of football, but wasn't Folau and the chemically addicted Hunt's poaching judged to be a failed experiment because he was useless at the game (well so it suggests here).

Folau was smartest. He wasted two years in the AFL but instead of toiling in a sport he was never going to go close to mastering, he left after 13 AFL matches. He managed 39 kicks in those 13 games. Given he was on $1 million of AFL industry money for both the 2011 and 2012 seasons, those kicks came at more than $50,000 a pop. At that rate, he threw in 41 handballs, 18 tackles and 22 marks.

Sheesh, "he could still be playing in the AFL" and at 50k the kick? Can the pond play too?

Of course the simple solution is to boycott union's sponsors, and thereby Folau, but as the pond has spent a lifetime boycotting union, league and the AFL, as well as the lizards of Oz, perhaps idle abuse remains the way to go ...

Enough of Sexton SC - the pond has little doubt he's destined for hellfire and eternal damnation for sounding silly about aerial pingpong - such an easy judgement and so final - because the pond feels the need to turn back to Barners' suffering …and Overington salivating …

Oh yes, it's on for young and old ...

Sheesh, that was clearly written before Barners made it clear it was all the fault of she who must be obeyed, the dragon lady, the little woman, the strife of life …

And now, in closing, an honourable mention … because the pond must acknowledge the ongoing efforts of the onion muncher to retain his place in the pond's sun …

By golly the onion muncher talks tough when there's not a single thing he can actually do about it, except talk tough … what a goer he is ...

A shirt front turns into robust discussions?

Et tu, onion muncher, the thought police led you to a form of political correctness? Oh the humanity, the humanity ...

For some strange reason, the pond was reminded of a couple of recent Pope cartoons, with more papal insights available in a much better gallery format here at his Canberra Times' home.