In which the pond dives into reptile pre-history, only to return and discover it's all the fault of trans folk ...

Say what? The world's lungs? Did Lloydie go stark raving mad? 

Why he sounded positively greenie, almost full Gaia, and it unnerved the pond for almost a full week. Even the reptile editorialist sounded a tad insane …

More blather about "the lungs of the world"?! But surely everyone knew that climate science was a deviant, wretched hoax and a fraud, fake science, and foolish ?

Fortunately the moment of madness passed, and the Major was on hand to blame the ABC and there was the usual story about electric cars, and power bills and so on and so reptile forth …

 

But why has the pond stepped back in time, into what is now almost reptile pre-history, the dawn of time, or at least the dawn of the week?

Well this Saturday's lot is not so compelling. Our man, prattling Polonius, is never amongst the first eleven, and his stout history lesson, incidentally defending Mathias the Terminator, has been stored in the attic with the mad uncle, for the reptiles to highlight later on, perhaps on a slow Sunday …

And the dog botherer is prematurely celebrating SloMo, in the sort of premature ejaculatory way to be expected of him, while Dame Slap is berating the universities, a reptile sport much loved but infinitely tedious …

And that's why the pond wanted to celebrate with Moorice, who knew exactly what to do with all those earlier signs of reptile weakness …

Sure Moorice had competition as to who could sound the most peculiar …

Is there nothing privatisation can't fix? But the pond was feeling nostalgic. Good old Moorice. It's been a long time since he's featured on the pond, and what a ripper he scribbled during the week …

Take that Lloydie, take that lizard editorialist, our Moorice knew the answer, and it was roughly akin to cinematic master Sam Fuller's first novel …

Yes, there's nothing to see here, though it seems Moorice was prepared to overlook the thought crimes and the talk of lungs by Lloydie and the lizard editorialist, and blame CNN and NBC and Marcon instead ...

Indeed, indeed, but where's the harm? As Sam himself once wrote …

And so to the final fireball from our Moorice ...

Yes, indeed, the planet is in tip-top shape, and we can go on burning and pillaging, at least until the rapture saves us all … for why else have we been given dominion over everything? 

Well the pond had to make the ultimate sacrifice and forsake another epic Moorice piece …

But speaking of ambitious world dictators and full-blown climate denialists, the pond just had to find the room to acknowledge that later in the week, the reptiles had reverted to full and proper Trumpism, and there was something of a face-off between our Henry and the lizard editorialist, as to who could be the most Trumpian of all …

It was a tough call, but let's face it trade wars are easy to win, the Mexicans have paid for the wall, and the pond had to go with the reptile editorialist …

Okay, okay, the pond would usually use this as an excuse to run a few Donald cartoons, but things have been a little fraught between the Donald and Fox News in recent times.

Would the lizard Oz editorialist's suave words down under be enough to sway the Donald and end the war?

Frankly Mr Cavuto, you don't seem to have the first clue as to how to be a prime suck. Let the lizard Oz editorialist remind you how it's done by true Murdochian Trumpists ...

Oh okay, just a few Donald cartoons before a final editorialist spurt …

 

And so to a last gobbet of the reptiles doing the full suck of the sauce bottle ...

Waiter, some more of that kool aid, the one they serve in Surry Hills, and be bloody quick about it, the pond is anxious to worship at the feet of the chosen one …

But wait, you say, this is all very well and choice and beefy and distilled essence of fun, but it's positively ancient, and expert herpetologists were on to it all during the week, so what about a sample of prime reptile lunacy from today's outing?

Well as it so happens, the pond has just the thing …

Readers of the Weekly Beast will recall that the reptiles have set up a page dedicated to gender issues … a phenomenon also featured in Junkee in 'The Australian' Has Reached A New Low With Its New Dedication To Demonising Trans People.

But be that as it may be, at the stunning end to this piece, the pond will unveil the stunning formula discovered by the Angelic one, which might promise world peace by lunchtime, or at a minimum, will maintain the rage and the demonisation ...

Oh heck, the Angelica one has already given the game away. Here's the formula:

Pill script + scribbling doctor = hideous trans people!

There, peace by lunch time, and no need for people to keep asking what the fuck the prescribing of the pill has to do with trans issues.

Sheesh, what the fuck has fluoride got to do with international conspiracies… as if you didn't have the first clue ...

Yes, it's the slippery slope. Head off to the doctor to get a script for the pill and the next thing you know a boy will emerge from the GPs office a girl, and the end of the world is nigh ...

Well the pond was mightily pleased to present the latest example of the burgeoning school of irrational trans hate, which has always lurked in the reptile bosom like that asp clasped to Cleopatra's bosom … but remember, today is the last day of Benjamin Law's offer …

And around this point, the pond would usually wrap things up, but as the pond now only gets a few goes to honour reptile contributors, it will keep pushing on …

Yes, that's logical … there's nothing like the cleanest energy of all having a half-life of a half million years … 

If only climate science and climate change were actually true as opposed to false and foolish delusions, as so sagely explained by Moorice a little earlier … but as pond readers know, nothing needs to be done, so why the heck is Ted talking of the need for action?

And who the heck is this unknown rocket scientist, and what does he have to say about half-lifes and storage, and the actual price of doing the full nuke dance?

Indeed, indeed, but the actual reason is the next cyclone season ... surely we need to be in a position to be able to do a Donald …

Inspirational stuff, bur our Ted writes the sort of stuff that would inspire a Ted session ...

So much for good old wind and sun, with a half life of zip … but please, credit where credit is due ...

The pond feels tremendously reassured to know that Ted has a hand on the wheel …and the Donald has his finger on the button ...

And now in closing, the pond has observed a most peculiar phenomenon …

You see, once upon a time, the pond would always go elsewhere for its climate catastrophe stories, what with Moorice and Lloydie doing the right thing in the lizard Oz to reassure everyone everything was for the best in the best of all possible words … say the Graudian, or an actual scientific site dedicated to actual science and observation of the actual world …

But what do you know, this turned up as a reptile splash ...

The pond is now officially deeply worried for Lloydie, what with his talk of the world's lungs, the Gaia thingie, and all that ...

What if Lloydie actually mentioned climate science and climate change as if they were real things?

Climate change was a major threat? And Lloydie didn't even turn to the Moorice for expert advice and reassurance?

Dear sweet absent lord, Lloydie has freaked out and flipped, a straight report on the dire consequences of climate change?

What would Moorice say? Where are the reptiles heading? After all these years, has valiant Moorice's work, has Bjorn's reassurances, failed to reassure Lloydie?

Well, the pond knows who to blame!

pill script = trans folk = doomed reef.

QED. Those bloody trans folk … and so to a final few cartoons just for the fun of it all ...

In which the pond crams in an excessive amount of reptile ranting ...

Through the week there came a poignant contrast in reptile headlines, as our Henry keeps up the full Donald …

 

The pond hereby orders the reptiles to focus on reality, and join the pond, the Donald and King Canute in demanding that the tides and companies carry on as ordered, thereby ensuring that silly old doddery full Trumpian Henry will continue to not have the first fucking clue about problems …

Speaking of problems, let us not ignore our own achievements, celebrated in a land far from the reptiles …

And now, just to set up the full Trumpian tone, the reptiles during the week ran - in their usual way - a Trumpian piece from the WSJ …

The pond was saved from reading - or even worse reprinting  "Heather inverted commas" of the WSJ via the lizard Oz - by stumbling across a piece in the NY magazine at the very same time, which inter alia read, and can be read in full here ...

And so on and so forth … because sometimes it's simply easier not to read the reptiles, but to read what others say about the reptiles, and because sometimes that's the only way to handle things …because what a doozy of a week it was …

And with that established, it was time to turn to MAGA-cap donning Dame Slap …

She forgives? What is she, Christ, God, or just a delusional Trumpian?

But here's the funny thing. She berates Thunberg for being a doomster gloomster, and then produces a magnificently delusional piece of gloomy doom herself …

Unimagined wealth? Is that a new way of saying unimaginable wealth?

As a sometime full Trumpian, Dame Slap has some cheek talking about modern missionaries and rich con artists scamming the public …

But when Dame Slap gets going on a doom-laden rant, she's the Queen of the Reptiles ...

Bonfire of the vanities? And not one word about the bonfire of the Amazon? Not even a hint of moralising about that from the self-appointed reptile moraliser?

Those questions are beyond the pond's pay grade. But if Dame Slap was to be believed, it was the Donald that was the answer. How did that work out for the world?

Of course the pond isn't suggesting that Dame Slap is a kind of holy trinity embodying the Donald, herself and Kool-Aid, but she is a heavy drinker …

Ah, and so not above recycling a racial slur, which must mean it's okay to recycle Donald jokes …

Yes, whatever Dame Slap says must be "Donald true" … though it's a pity that as a result, she doesn't have the first clue what's wrong or how to mend it … except to trot out that old reptile mainstay, "virtue signalling", now apparently licensed for exclusive, boring, endlessly repeated reptile use …

Thanks to Dame Slap and the Murdochians we now have one of the most important and inventive destroyers of global growth over the past 400 years, the unlimited no liability Donald …

Meanwhile, the reptiles were off lathering up their trans hate … a new feature and seemingly a fixture in their fear and loathing foaming at the mouth …

Actually it's the reptiles in a trans nightmare … which is why the pond's trans friend has now ensured the rag is banned from her office.

It's a good step … the paper should be shunned wherever it is seen, and the pond regrets that it recycles reptile rubbish for the reading entertainment of white supremacists and white nationalists everywhere, but it serves the pond's whimsical sense of humour …

What, he's off to the Amazon to see it burning? Or perhaps off to the Arctic to see the fires there? Or perhaps he's going to trudge through the sludge forming as the permafrost melts in Alaska, Siberia and other remote locations? Or perhaps he dared to read a heretic who somehow bobbed up in the lizard Oz?

Nope, sadly, it's an attempt by the dog botherer to be funny, and worse than unconsciously funny, a deliberate attempt at humour, which raises the question of whether a moronic reptile can be witty …because he's actually off to Canberra …which means the pond will have to put on hold jokes about fuckwits heading off to Adelaide, or even worse, watching the wisteria on the verandah with the great aunts …

Meanwhile, in the bubble, or another planet …

But it's pointless for the pond to attempt to introduce another planet to delusional climate denialists of the moronic dog botherer kind. Better just to let the "db" do his comedy stylings …

Ah, the old futile climate action routine … and at that point, the pond felt the need for a cartoon … because these days, when reading the reptiles, the only way the pond can struggle from one gobbet to the next is with the help of a cartoon …

Hmm, what we need now is a cliche. We've already done "virtue signalling", so is there a loon in the house ready to claim that only he understands the "zeitgeist"?

Speaking of bubbles, how goes the reptile favourite?

Sadly the pond is down to the penultimate dog botherer gobbet, and so is running short on the chance to use up its recent cartoons ...

Who would pay to listen to the dog botherer? For that matter, who would pay to watch Sky? For that matter, who subscribes to the lizard Oz? There's plenty of comedy to be found elsewhere … even if the gags share a certain sameness …

  

It goes without saying that the Donald is a narcissist, but note well how the dog botherer displays his own form of narcissistic hubris, based on the premise that he alone knows what sort of kool-aid to drink … and yes, virtue signalling will get another run. How the pond would love to have patented those words … well if "The" can be trademarked, imagine the royalties the pond could charge on virtue signalling, or weasly attempts to avoid the trademark by resorting to "signal their virtue" ...

What's so funny about all this blather about Canberra from the dog botherer?

Well, he's from Adelaide … which helps explain his parochial triumphalism, his navel-gazing delusionalism, his pitiful narcism, his moaning about bubbles, his climate science denialism, and his infinite capacity to ignore what's happening in the world …

And so to a bonus for die-hard reptile specialists …

You see before the Pell matter erupted, the reptiles were big on maintaining their religious freedom war ...

 

The pond knew it was important to the reptiles and dear to their hearts, because they did the usual thing and wrote a big story about a column that they also published ...

Well the pond didn't bother with the pandering Brown, but loved the header on the portentous Porteous's piece, remembering that this was just before the Pell matter broke large ...

Oh dear … it was probably a sign that everyone, reptiles and Catholics, thought that Pell would be saved, and everyone could return to blathering about the positive influence of Christianity on the world. Come unto "Porteous inverted commas", little children ...

Dammit, is this cheeky archbishop quoting that Commie Evatt, and a bunch of assorted secularists? But okay, the pond can go with that … 

Now can we get down to sorting out the ways that the rights of Catholics to persecute gays, trans, and assorted other sinners they don't like can be protected by government … seeing as how both Dame Slap and the dog botherer are really big on big government, and government interventions … (the pond keeds, it keeds) ...

And there you have it. The Catholic church is never above shamelessly lying, telling porkies and misrepresenting things in their higher calling … because Folau was not terminated simply for citing teachings from the Bible, no more than Michaela Banerji was fired simply for pointing out the obvious stupidity of the Department of Immigration's many nasty, vicious, hurtful and hateful policies …

No, it actually had to do with a legal interpretation of contractual relationships between employer and employee, so good luck to that lesbian teacher employed by the Catholic church ... 

Say what? It was the Catholic church that stood up to Hitler and Mussolini? So that's what signing that 1933 Concordat stood for?

Well it's not the pond's business to defend the secularists and their assorted Stalinist sins, but sure as the Catholic church invented purgatory by twisting a few words in the bible, it's possible to note that there are many ways to twist the historical record … and so it was a relief that someone blathering on about the dignity of the human person and their freedom was temporarily silenced by the Pell matter erupting, without the need therefore to hark back to the Inquisition or the institutionalised banning of books and the lashing out at women, gays and assorted heretics over centuries of abuse and hate-speech …

And speaking of eruptions, as the pond has only a Sunday meditation to look at the entire week, how pleasing it is to see that finally Media Watch is getting stuck into the reptiles and their friend the parrot, and lordy lordy, didn't the parrot squawk at the backhanders. 

Of course it makes for some delicious follies, and it means the Weekly Beast can also give the parrot the odd backhander, as here … along with Gra Gra of the Swiss bank accounts ...

But really the pond only wanted to end with a Rowe cartoon, with more Rowe here ...

Actually Mr Rowe he'll always have Macquarie and Nine … as well as a column or three in the lizard Oz …

And now, for anyone who made it this far, a few more spare cartoons …

Or maybe call it the coalition's NBN, speedily tearing up a footpath near you, repairing it with tar, while delivering a product so slow it will do nothing for economic growth ...