As well as being professional jihadists, the reptiles at the lizard Oz are professional catastrophists ... and all hands were on deck this day to do their duty ...
Top of the digital "news" page ma came this ...
The crown of Labor’s modern-day emperor is slipping as he approaches a moment of reckoning.
The pond regrets that it was quickly dropped down to second place by the news of Jason Arday's death - didn't that jihad produce a satisfyingly catastrophic result? - but still that image of the skulking ratbags will haunt in the hive mind...
What a disaster, quelle catastrophe, but what made it "official"?
Geoff Chambers had deemed it so, and if Geoff says it, it must be true, but when you read the full piece, not once was "official" actually mentioned...
The actual heading? Albanese’s moment of reckoning will define Labor’s long term direction.
So it's official, the art of the reptile sub-editor as jihadist has defined the lizard Oz's long term direction.
With the Chambered round safely in the intermittent archive, the pond could quickly move past an offering by a boiling over Rice ...
Trial of Bornstein and Labor: ‘secret, unfathomable betrayal of whistleblower’
A botched Labor plan to sideline a whistleblower has entangled some of its most influential figures – and high-profile lawyer Josh Bornstein – in claims of betrayal and cover-up.
By Stephen Rice
Want stories of the ICAC follies?
Sorry, that's only to be found outside the lizard Oz's top "news".
Car park chaos and Dallas’ dictionary of lost words: Two days of ‘iterations’ at ICAC
Want stories about the world on fire? There's an abundance of them out in the real world ...
How did you get lost and land here?
Any of those other places will do for signs of genuine catastrophe ...
Counting the cost of Europe’s summer of fire, drought and lost harvests
Back to the professional catastrophists, and today the pond turned to just two of the lizard Oz's best exponents of the art (some say it's a science)...
This required walking past snappy Tom, who in a moment of reptile madness, pretended he wasn't in the catastrophist game ...
Buying and selling property is not the country’s path to prosperity
It’s time to get over this collective mania with the up-escalator of residential property and focus on the real changes and sacrifices needed to deal with our economic funk.
By Tom Dusevic
Columnist
You need the occasional heretic to confirm even more deeply the catastrophist faith, and there is no better exponent of that faith than the bromancer ...
The header: Albanese fails to learn the key apology lesson mastered by Hawke and Howard; Anthony Albanese’s stubborn refusal to apologise over the Bush Deep podcast scandal has turned a simple mistake into a self-inflicted political catastrophe.
The caption for a man looking completely bewildered and in urgent need of a correctional homily straight from the bromancer: Anthony Albanese will look to revive his standing as PM as parliament enters a new sitting period. Picture: Martin Ollman/NewsWire
The bromancer began his piece with an impeccable quotation up there with Our Henry's devotion to Thucydides:
– Elton John, 1976
There followed a six minute or so exposition on the theme.
The pond makes only a few preliminary observations on the art of the professional catastrophist.
First, keep on making a mountain out of a molehill.
Sure, the discreet Japanese had attempted to go minor key, as reported in the Graudian.
Ignore the farcical quality of the melongate jihad. Keep on pushing that wheelbarrow.
Second, remember that these are the worst of times. There has always been a golden age, just not now. Drag in as many examples of long lost golden ages as you can find, and no matter if it features Bob Hawke, once the victim of many reptile jihads, or John Howard, the man who lost his seat and government all in one go.
You can't go on a catastrophistclubbing day without a golden age club or three.
Third, make sure you dig through the art of the apology, perhaps even turning to the likes of Jane Austen. You yourself might never have apologised for the many stupidities, contradictions and rampant hypocrisies in your own pieces, but never mind, righteous indignation is your stock in trade and you must maintain the rage.
Say what? Jane Austen? Surely not? Ah, the pond sees, grasshopper, that you still have much to learn about the ways of the professional catastrophist, the astonishing range of references they bring to their task.
With that in mind, let's see how the bromancer performs ... and remember, it helps to have "catastrophe" in the headline and in the opening sentence, even if the catastrophic abuse of the English language and any sensible definition of "catastrophe" must be apparent to anyone standing outside this current catastrophegate...
Albanese’s bizarre refusal to apologise over his frankly incomprehensible remarks about Japan’s Prime Minister, in the smutty, crass, juvenile and utterly wretched Bush Deep podcast he did, in which he also chose Kylie Minogue from a list as one he’d like to “shag, marry or date”, casts grave doubt over his judgment.
Did the man hint that he'd given an unequivocal apology? Strike that out at once ...
Whereas a simple apology early on would have been clean, clear and, given how forgiving Australians are, probably politically effective. Albanese seems astonishingly stubborn about not apologising, and stubborn in the dumbest possible way. (I have adult sons and advised each at their wedding to master seven words: Yes dear, I was wrong, you’re right. If seven was too many, two could also do the trick: I’m sorry.)
The most successful democratic politicians master apology. Bob Hawke, John Howard, Bill Clinton, Tony Blair, Peter Beattie, Bob Carr – all immensely successful government leaders who used apology strategically and tactically, which is not to say their apologies were insincere.
Albanese has described Hawke as Australia’s greatest prime minister. That might be overstating things but Hawke was certainly very good. If Albanese thinks Hawke the greatest, it’s strange that it’s Whitlam’s policies Albanese implements while rejecting pro-market deregulation, supply-side reforms and balanced budgets as Hawke produced.
Cue a once reviled bloke, now elevated to golden age pantheon, at least if he can be used to club the current incumbent ... Former Australian prime minister Bob Hawke in 1990.
Once you've established a golden age hero, mine it for all its worth and more ...
Hawke apologised over big things, too. As he prepared for national leadership, he told the Australian people he’d drunk too much. But he intended to do better.
Across the board, Australians admired him for this. I remember my father, an instinctive supporter of the anti-communist Democratic Labor Party, who became very conservative, deeply respected Hawke for just those honest admissions.
Drag in an example of the golden age god as a family man ... Hawke with daughter Rosslyn Dillon in 2013. Picture: AAP
Weep along with your golden age hero ...
That’s not a humble-brag. That’s genuine regret. Hawke had a quality Albanese seems to lack – tremendous psychological security. To apologise is not an act of weakness but an act of courage. Hawke had courage.
Albanese’s backers sometimes try to promote him as a Labor version of Howard, the underestimated everyman. The political comparison is misplaced because Howard, unlike Albanese, enacted economic reform that made Australia wealthier and stronger. Howard had the courage to take controversial tax changes to an election rather than simply reverse all his previous commitments.
The comparison falls down in another way, too. One of Howard’s great strengths was that he spoke directly, in plain language. Albanese these days barely manages a straight answer to even the most mildly disobliging questions.
You see? There's simply no way he can match up to those golden age warriors, even if the plainly spoken lying rodent managed to lose both seat and government, a tad careless in the Oscar Wilde sense.
Now quick, offer an AV distraction ... Prime Minister Anthony Albanese has detailed what was discussed in his recent call with US President Donald Trump.
Now use mad king Donald, Faux Noise's favourite, to berate the local ...
And don’t forget even Trump won once, then lost decisively, before winning again. His approval rating now is about 34 per cent.
The other lesson Albanese takes from Trump is to shape endless content for social media. It’s likely some of what seems a neurotic, if not manic, unwillingness by Albanese to answer questions is a deliberate decision not to furnish certain images and sounds that could be used against him on social media. Thus his office issued a one-line apology to Minogue, but Albanese never spoke the apology in front of cameras.
Mined mad king Donald enough? Return to that other ancient hero, and remember never to practise what you might preach ...
In Howard’s first, unsuccessful leadership stint he too was stubborn and hated admitting mistakes. But he grew in leadership. He made a silly remark in 1988 suggesting Asian immigration was too high. Among many others, I was critical of his remarks. Howard recognised the mistake straight away but was reluctant to correct his position. It played a role in his losing the Liberal leadership. By 1994, Howard was preparing to come back as leader and defeat Paul Keating at an election.
Throw in some nonsense about the lying rodent being sensible, an abuse of the English language, unless you think that "sensible" actually means bigoted ...‘I can’t for the life of me see why we can’t have a sensible debate about the level of immigration’ … John Howard in his Sydney office. Picture: Adam Taylor
Throw in another personal touch, and remember to cite Bill as an exemplar ...
Incidentally, Howard handles all this with supreme graciousness, and frank self-criticism, in his memoirs. The dynamic is that Howard recognised his own mistake and far from running from it, hiding, getting others to take the flak, he came and dealt with it directly by apologising and learning the episode’s lessons.
Clinton apologised profusely for lying about the Monica Lewinsky episode. Earlier in his career he apologised for his unsuccessful first term as Arkansas governor. Having lost office he didn’t defend a poor record but said he’d learnt from his mistakes. He then won back the governorship and never lost again.
This is how it's done ... score a blow job and become a reptile hero ... Bill Clinton with Monica Lewinsky.
And so to quiet the noise emanating from all those sceptics and disbelievers.
Why did you doubt the bromancer's ability to wangle Jane Austen into this tale of a "catastrophe"?
It’s difficult for Albanese to apologise now because so many of his ministers have defended him. But as long as footage of the grotesque podcast continues to be shown, the sheer ridiculousness of his position will remain unresolved. Better if he now said something like: “I’ve thought a lot about this episode and I now see that doing that podcast was a serious error of judgment. I meant to convey no innuendo in my remarks about the gracious gift of the Japanese Prime Minister. But I now see my words were clumsy, ambiguous and easily open to misinterpretation. The fault was mine and I take full responsibility for it.”
The greatest literary apology came from Darcy to Elizabeth Bennet in Pride and Prejudice. Jane Austen so enjoyed the spectacle of a powerful man apologising over his treatment of a woman that she has Darcy apologise by letter, as well as in person, and repeatedly. Darcy says at one point: “I am sorry, exceedingly sorry …” He doesn’t let himself off lightly: “My behaviour to you at the time had merited the severest reproof. It was unpardonable. I cannot think of it without abhorrence.”
Darcy won Elizabeth with his apology. Everybody loves him now. Imagine if he’d begun instead: “I don’t accept the assertion …”
Quelle catastrophe ... and for those who don't understand, AI will explain ...
For the second example of a professional jihadist at work, the pond will turn to the Ughmann ...
Early this weekend the Ughmann was out and about co-authoring an EXCLUSIVE, second from the top in the "news" section ...
Wong’s edict to universities: axe China research links
Just weeks after the Pentagon blacklisted Shandong University, the Foreign Minister has axed the Australian National University’s joint venture with the Chinese institution on national security grounds.
By Natasha Bita and Chris Uhlmann
Again you actually had to read the real headline to get the context...
Penny Wong axes ANU joint venture with Chinese university linked to nuclear weapons
But having a bit of Bita in that beat up ruined the art of the professional catastrophist.
To admire the Ughmann in his native habitat, he must be studied alone ... and sorry, it's melongate again that's the springboard...
The header: Albanese’s melons joke risks $160bn Japanese investment — and opens a path for Canada; As Anthony Albanese puts his foot in his mouth, Canada is poised to eat our lunch.
Just in any case anyone in the hive mind had forgotten the saga, the reptiles thoughtfully provided a reminder: Japan’s Prime Minister Sanae Takaichi gifted Anthony Albanese Japanese melons and it’s been a diplomatic disaster ever since. Picture: X / @takaichi_sanae
The Ughmann also managed to wring some six minutes of hysteria out of the notion that Canucks were a dire and immediate predator threat.
"Poised", so to catastrophist speak.
Elbows up Canada, you've got your problems with mad king Donald, but apparently they're minor up against the dire threat you pose to us (or so the Ughmann says).
The pond should have added a fourth item to the art of the skilled catastrophist.
That's the litany.
You take a simple affair, such as "melongate", and wring it until the pips squeak, but you also use it as a trigger for a litany of disasters ...
Last year the two stories that really resonated worldwide were the shocking massacre atBondi Beach and the social media ban for those under 16. The Albanese government’s stab at trying to unplug children’s brains from online toxins is the one domestic policy that other nations are copying or monitoring. Beyond that our dangerous wildlife usually gets more coverage than our politics. Shark and crocodile attacks almost always make news overseas.
At the time of writing the local story that appears to have travelled most widely this year is Queensland’s proposal to host the 2032 Olympic rowing events in the “crocodile-infested” Fitzroy River. By luck or design this move is a stroke of genius as it has raised the profile of Rockhampton in a way no tourism campaign ever could. The story was picked up by international newswires and sprayed around the globe.
Hopefully there is a team tasked with ensuring there are semi-regular updates about the development of the course and baroque plans to keep the rowers safe. Maybe float the idea of building crocodile fences, release pictures of surf lifesavers armed with crocodile stun guns, provoke a fight over crocodile culls and then parade our green energy superpower credentials by announcing plans for a solar-powered submersible drone fleet steered by artificial intelligence to safely herd the creatures away from the athletes.
Or maybe lean into the danger. Given there are already kayaking events that include rapids and numerous obstacles, someone should pitch the notion of inserting a crocodile pool just before the finish line. There are years of stories here.
Beyond that, in several weeks travelling Europe in July, I can report only two Australian stories ran prominently in the offshore media: Barnaby Joyce yelling at his dog during a TV interview and the Prime Minister saying he would shag, marry and date Kylie Minogue.
Again make sure that any talk of an actual apology only appears in the small print accompanying the AV distraction ... Prime Minister Anthony Albanese has apologised for comments he made about wanting to “shag” pop star Kylie Minogue during a podcast last week. Mr Albanese took part in a game called “shag, marry, date” on the programme alongside comedian Nikki Osborne. His office later issued a statement saying: “I apologise unequivocally for the comments.”
Now do your best to turn common gossip and fleeting headlines into a catastrophe, and to help out the reptiles will strip you of any illustrations ... quelle ennui ...
The Joyce dog story falls into the curiosity category of international media interest in our affairs. It fits the stereotype of Australia being a remote, quaint and often bemusing outpost of quasi-civilisation. And the shagging story got a run only because Britain has an abiding interest in all things Kylie. If Albanese had confessed a secret desire to bed some obscure domestic starlet the story would have sunk at Sydney Heads.
Are we being served, Australia?
Intrigued at how Albanese came to disclose this nugget, I rummaged through Australian news sites to find the source of the revelation. As everyone now knows it was on a videocast with comedian Nikki Osborne titled Bush Deep. A cursory glance at the content of pre-Albanese interviews was enough to discern that this show’s DNA is drawn from the Mrs Slocombe “my pussy” school of comedy.
Trapped in a show he should never have been on, Albanese was asked what was the “most crap” gift he had ever received on an overseas jaunt. Scrounging for an amusing anecdote, his mind clutched at the “pretty strange” offering of perfect Shizuoka Crown melons from Sanae Takaichi. Endearingly, Osborne did not seem to know that the Japanese Prime Minister was a woman. “She brought two, as you do,” Albanese rhymed, juggling imaginary melons, channelling his inner Benny Hill and nailing the ethos of the podcast.
Just in case some innocent missed the dubious double entendre, Osborne underlined it, “She just came in looking like Pamela Anderson”, as the whole experience went tits up for the Prime Minister.
Let’s pause here and consider mitigating circumstances. It is perfectly understandable that any modern leader would seek to engage with all manner of new media because the old ones have been bleeding audience share for nearly two decades. If you want to speak to young Australians it is not on conventional news programs.
But in making a decision about where the Prime Minister should spend his precious time surely the first consideration is risk and reward. Respect for the dignity of the office should also be somewhere high up on the list. Maybe taste? These are matters of judgment and everyone makes mistakes. Albanese admitted to one by issuing an unequivocal apology to Minogue.
At this point, the reptiles broke into italic print for this insight ...
What’s galling about his endless equivocation on the Japanese gift gag is not just the original sin but the litany of lies and hypocrisy that followed.
So it was just a venial sin, and now it's become an immortal sin? That's a fine example of the unreformed seminarian at work, and meanwhile you've avoided all mention of actual catastrophes ...
Remember, we're dealing with the art of the catastrophic litany.
How many catastrophes would you like?
Apply this simple test: what would Labor’s panzer division of female MPs have said if Tony Abbott, Scott Morrison or Peter Dutton had uttered anything approaching what Albanese said about Minogue or Takaichi? How would the taxpayer-funded discrimination industry have responded? What would the earnest evangelists in the progressive media have done with the story?
Labor has pioneered weaponising any real or perceived slights against women by conservative men. Remember how Tony Abbott’s wink during a talkback call with a phone sex worker was interpreted? Or the storm that followed the puerile “meow” uttered by Tasmanian senator David Bushby at Penny Wong during a Senate hearing?
So spare us the whining about getting flak over this far more substantial lapse of judgment.
Japan has demonstrated how much store it sets in the relationship with Australia by throwing Albanese a lifeline, but the wording of the first paragraph of its official statement on the incident speaks volumes: “We have been informed by the Australian side that Prime Minister Albanese did not make the comments in the way that has been reported.”
This shows a commendable mastery of English and diplomacy: we will take the Prime Minister at his word.
The dinner that helped make us rich
Words and deeds matter and Tokyo’s list of concerns about the kind of friend it has in Canberra is piling up. It also has noted Albanese’s decision to prefer a gig with Spotify over a gala dinner in Parliament House to honour the 50th anniversary of an Australia-Japan treaty that transformed the relationship between the two nations.
That relationship helped make us rich. The latest figures show Japan was the second largest direct foreign investor in Australia ($159.5bn) in 2024. Japanese money and Japanese customers helped build Australia’s liquefied natural gas export industry. It is also a major customer for our black coal exports. Albanese leveraged these supplies when he toured the region to shore up our liquid fuel supplies when the third Gulf war flared.
When a cash-strapped Queensland raised its top royalty rate on coal from 15 per cent to 40 per cent without consultation, a shock wave ripped through corporate Japan.
For the first time Tokyo began to wonder about sovereign risk in Australia and the move brought a rare rebuke from the then Japanese ambassador, Shingo Yamagami. Now, the plan for a domestic gas reservation and talk of a federal gas tax has Japan wondering about whether it should hedge its bets. Other markets beckon. The Australian Financial Review reported this week that Australia “risks missing out on lucrative new gas contracts with Japan as uncertainty over Canberra’s energy policy and pressure from Washington to buy more American LNG reshape the competition for Japan’s future energy supply”.
Australia is the largest supplier of LNG to Japan but across the next 15 years the contracts that underpinned that relationship will expire.
This column has reported before that after he spoke in Australia’s parliament in March Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney flew to Tokyo, where he pledged that “Canada is in a position where we can double our LNG exports by the end of this decade, and double again by the end of the following decade.”
Carney was feted here for his leadership on middle-power diplomacy as the world deals with the growing military might of China and the trashing of alliances by Donald Trump. He said Australia and Canada should work together as “strategic cousins”. But our Canadian cousin wants to pick the Japanese fruit Australia spent a half-century cultivating. And there are only so many melons to go around.
