In which the pond has a natter with "Ned" and groans with the Groaner ...

 

 

About the only thing that gets the pond up and focused on the reptiles these days is the always impending sense that a dollop of rich irony will be served up at the top of the digital page ... and sure enough, there was the pompous old white male to hand lecturing women on what must be done (usually in the kitchen and the laundry but now in the coalition), while across the way there's an EXCLUSIVE report on Karen Andrews ...

Of course that meant the pond had to run with "Ned", because the pond can never get enough of his portentous posturing and endless Chicken Little handwringing ...

And while speaking of ironies, which reptile chose that shot of a haughty, disdainful, sneering, supercilious Payne to get things going?

 

Um actually there's a few other problems going on here, and it's not just the issue of faceless women ... 

Might the pond humbly draw attention to a story in Crikey here ... it's paywall protected, but the opening gives a hint of the argument ... along with a photo worthy of the one the reptiles selected for Payne ...

 

Well yes, given the behaviour of the government in sundry matters, let alone its current woes, how to get a Cash to fix things in an increasingly cash-less society?

But enough of puns, it's no joke for the hapless whistleblowers, as we return to "Ned" for more bloviating ...

 

Only a "Ned", doing diligent Pravda service, could follow that summary, and that shallow echo of the Abbott years (where was "Ned" then, where were the reptiles?) with a "sounds good" ... as if the shit heaped on Gillard could suddenly disappear into the fertiliser bin of history ...

 

 

Ah memories, but don't think that things changed, as women learned the talking points that would get them ahead in right wing politics la la land, like little Bronnie and Sophie clones (hear the one about Sophie being appointed to a plum Fair Work job?)

Again the pond had to revert to Crikey here (also paywalled) for the beginning of another yarn ...

 

Uh huh ... sounds good, or so "Ned" says ...

 

An outrageous allegation? What was outrageous was the attempt to deploy the fig leaf, pretend it would all go away, refuse to make any inquiries, and then wonder why the shit hit the fan ... though as always the pond can console itself with a Rowe, with more consoling Rowe here ...

 

The answer? Why I stood alongside a fearless fighter and basked in his praise ...

"How good is that sexist Tony Abbott? Did he serve it up to Juliar or what?", the prime minister said to cheers and claps from the crowd. "Don't be too quiet tonight, quietly sexist Australians. I want you to be a bit noisy tonight, as we celebrate our goodly sexist knight!"(Sorry, the pond couldn't resist improvising, the real quote is at SBS here).

And so to the rest of the reptile wasteland this day in search of a bonus item ...

 

Dame Slap, railing in her usual IPA way about class actions? Well IPA grifters gotta grift, but there's no reason for the pond to pay attention to every grifting word ...

Some loon railing about zero confidence in hapless health authority? All the more funny to see when the federal government has been derelict, slack arsed and completely useless in rolling out the vaccine, as even the tree killer edition noted (along with that hellish EXCLUSIVE) ...

 

Luckily that story about a tax-free ride for electric cars reminded the pond of a valuable contribution it had missed yesterday from Dame Groan ... which managed to roll together an epic bout of hagiography and Groan's usual fear and loathing of anything green tinged ...

 

 

 

Note Dame Groan's talk of "read greener" as she goes about the business of burnishing up Cormann ... the lad has always been a good solid devotee of dinkum Oz coal, as was the wretch next to him in this story in the Graudian here, way back when ... 

 

 

And so on, and just that story is enough to see why Dame Groan thinks so highly of him ...

 

Uh huh ... yes, Australia has a tremendous record on shipping coal around the world, and if the Europeans were gullible enough to fall for a Cormann spreadsheet, they deserve everything they fail to do when it comes to the fucking up of the planet ...

But of course Dame Groan is a devoted climate science denialist so it's all good ...

There it is, that paranoia and fear of the hard green-left. In a way, Dame Groan reminds the pond of one of its ancient aunts, who held the superstition that Green was a very bad colour, sure to bring misery and despair if worn. She apparently didn't understand that her fear of the colour, and her love of everything Orange, came from an ancient feud in another country ...

There's something of the same musty superstition in Dame Groan's willingness to root out all talk of climate science, and the possible consequences of where we're heading ... oh, and just to add to the joy, Dame Groan takes a snipe at a couple of women ... along with all that nonsense about inclusion and sustainability and equitable green growth, all dangerous shibboleths to the Groaner ...

 

Uh huh. And so for anyone looking for an understanding of how SloMo ended up here, having started from a Groaning coal loving there, they need look no further than the reptiles and its shining stars, such as Dame Groan ...

But please shed no tears for the Groan ... she knows everything about sustainable equity, at least for those who remember this story ... (soft SMH paywall)

 

Indeed, indeed, who wouldn't look startled, made richly redundant and yet still on hand to go into a reptile therapy session each week about the dangers of wearing the colour Green ...

Not to worry, it's time to wrap things up with a startling effort by the infallible Pope showing the state of the deck chairs on this version of the Titanic ...

In which the pond tries to cope with the reptiles coping by way of the bromancer, and simplistic Simon, before deviating for a moment into climate heresy ...

 

 

 

The reptiles are doing the best they can to cope this day,  sending out a furious Caroline and featuring a Penbo family snap, what with him being so unkind to that dinosaur Jeremy Cordeaux in recent times - ah Adelaide, how's the wisteria and the aunts on the verandah going? - but of course the pond was in no mood to listen to a woman, or to a supportive Penbo, and so immediately turned to the bromancer for an update ... with the bromancer's splash alongside Penbo positively gushing with hope ...

 

But when the pond looked at the actual piece it was surprisingly short, with the 'work to do' headline much more muted ...

 

Reynolds' overwhelming failure?

But if she's an overwhelming failure, what of the overwhelming failure of her PM overlord? Oh wait, that's right, we now have two PMs, one to preen, and the other to handle difficult, uppity harridans ...

Ever resourceful, the reptiles used the bromancer to insert a click bait video and a link, but the pond just wanted to mainline the rest of the bromancer ... not that it produced much of a hit ...

 

Phew, there's a relief, it was all the fault of the women all along ... forget all that jibber jabber about the collective responsibility of cabinet and the leadership of the alternate PM for men and thugby league, just remember to blame the women ... could it be that they lacked decent, noble Xian piety?

And so to a rare pond outing. Usually the pond ignores simplistic Simon. If it wants diligent turd polishing and snout up coalition bum, it will sometimes go to Shanners, the bouffant one, but in this crisis, every supportive hand on deck was needed ...

 

Hmm, is it time for an uncharacterisic raising of the eyebrows? After all, we're talking about untried and untested females here, and there are many loyal white Liberal males who might resent being overlooked in all this unseemly pandering ...

 

Ah bloody women, always being privileged. So many eyebrows to raise, so many questions to mutter behind closed doors or to a News Corp scribbler...

 

Indeed, indeed. There's the old simplistic Simon shining through at the end. All that eyebrow raising and hand wringing but it then turns out that the truly arduous question to ask is whether this was a political masterstroke, a stroke of genius, or simply an astonishingly successful move, a remarkable containment by a political genius.

Luckily the immortal Rowe had the answer for the jury, with more answers always here ...

And so to a disturbing trend in the lizard Oz as a bonus ...

Yesterday the reptiles alarmed the pond with this story ...

 

Billionaires going green? But if a billionaire does it, it must be good!

And today, look, there amongst the ruck and maul in the commentary section ...

 

Opportunity? Tackling climate? Billionaires going green?

The pond simply had to investigate ...

 

The pond couldn't believe this attempt to undermine the coal-loving agenda of the lizard Oz, not to mention the war on China. 

Luckily the reptile readership has been well trained over the decades and knew exactly how to respond to this sort of nonsense ...

There was heaps more of it from the readership, and no doubt there will be more heaping during the day. 

What a well-trained lot they are, how they know their talking points, and how right and just for the pond to finish the sample with a "Lomborg says" ... because the readership is routinely Bjorn-again ...

Reassured, the pond could return for the last gobbet of the ramble, knowing it was just window-dressing and would do no harm to the readership, who can parrot the reptile talking points as if born to the North Korean lifestyle ...

The pond has no idea what Woodroofe expected to achieve by scribbling for the lizard Oz and offering a fig leaf of balance. Their minds are always closed, the Lomborg has scribbled, and their hearts are held in vast suburban reptile chains, and one swallow can't undo an eternal summer of coal-loving reptile heat ...

And so to a wrap with an infallible Pope ...

In which the pond settles for the usual serve of the Major and the Caterist ...

 

 

The pond likes to think it carefully curates its reptiles for study by passing readers, but understands why some might question its decision not to jump to the Caterist, there on the far right, straight away. 

It's the obvious choice, and the Caterist is the obvious hot contender, especially when the early morning line-up of other reptile contenders is considered ...

 

There's simplistic Simon talking about a clip over the tin ear, there's Josh explaining how poverty is a good thing, and there's the lizard Oz endorsing Josh, and Josh endorsing the lizard Oz, in a tango of love and poverty, and there's the venerable Sexton with a kind word for Vlad the impaler's European schemes, and there's Fergo announcing that the Nats lack empathy ... when really you only need an hour or so to get that sensitivity training down pat ... why it's easy as putting a bull to work with the heifers...

It was all very predictable, so the pond looked elsewhere, and discovered the reptiles had come up with a ripper illustration of the mutton Dutton ... 

 

Dammit, the photo the reptiles used in the story wasn't nearly as good, but yes, the reptile obsession with the Twitterati continued and Major Mitchell was front and centre, distracting the pond from the news of the phoenix Crown, with the pond discovering on the weekend that the Balmain peninsula provides admirable views of this architectural monstrosity, that priapic thrust into the sky.

But enough of Freudian matters, on with the Major ...

 

 

 

 

The pond gets it of course ... the Major has always hated social media favourites, and it's surely the fault of social media that newspapers have followed social media favourites like lambs to the slaughter.

 

The pond itself refuses to use Facebook or Twitter,  but it seems that only the pond and the Major have the triumphant amounts of will required, while everyone else wastes time on idle titillations ...

 

 

Indeed, indeed ... which is why it was startling to see the lizard Oz's digital edition this morning ... with the reptiles alternate illustration a cartoon invoking another event overlooked by the Major ...

 

 

The Oz tree killer edition was frankly no better ...

 

 

But then the pond was dumbfounded and knocked for six by the Major's next observation ...

Apparently, the easiest place to find up-to-date coverage and pictures was on ... Twitter ...

 

Indeed, indeed. It might of course be possible to do both ... look at the floods and their dire impact, and chew on the gum of the masturbatory Canberra bubble at the same time. But the Major has a simple mind, and he never likes the notion of keeping two contradictory thoughts in his head ... like Twitter bad, Twitter good ...

 

Meanwhile, quite outside the Major's ken, is the mice plague that has been haunting areas of New South Wales near the pond's old stomping ground.

And yet anyone who's been in a mice plague or a flood, will have empathy for the victims, while also being fascinated by the masturbatory ways of the Canberra bubble.

If anything, there's a resonance in the mice plague with Canberra lifestyle choices ...

...the 86mm of rain reported over the weekend at Gilgandra was a good fall but “unless it’s enough rain to flood out burrows, they’re just going to hunker down, wait for the rain to pass and be back in business”.
Rain would “make conditions less favourable for mice”, Henry said, but “whether this is the precursor [to the end of the plague] is uncertain, unfortunately.”
When floods did kill off mice, it usually happened quickly. “Farmers talk about the mice disappearing virtually overnight,” the research officer said. “They get to such high numbers they become quite stressed … they start to run out of food, which facilitates the spread of disease, they start eating the sick ones, they turn on the babies, and then it’s all over. It’s quite a grisly story.” (a week ago in the Graudian here).

It even made NBC a couple of days ago here, and one unlucky soul even copped a dose of the rare lymphocytic choriomeningitis ... (ABC here).

In the old days, a rabbit plague was newsreel fodder, as on YouTube here ... and yet the Major has no time for an old-fashioned plague ...

 

 So it's all the fault of social media, leading hapless News Corp editors by the nose to discuss what's going down in Canberra, while elsewhere others struggle through assorted crises? 

What a goose he is ... because everybody, especially cartoonists, enjoy all sorts of bubbles, as with David Rowe bubbling away on the weekend, with more bubbling here ...

 

 

Why it even came to the pond's attention that the new thugby league team to hate - those Sharkies from the Shire - it used to be Manly - lost, and so there was even more dancing on SloMo's grave ...

 

 

 

...while some couldn't afford the time to spend on the boofheads in the Canberra bubble, and went about the business of getting rid of the mud (though the stench takes a long time to fade from house, nostrils and mind, a bit like the stench emanating from Canberra).

Never mind, for the day's bonus, the pond decided it would revert to the Caterist ...

 

Sadly this meant that the pond's other cartoons weren't quite on the right page ...

 

Never mind, the pond thought it could keep a number of ideas in the air at one time, and so it ran the cartoon, and then it ran with the Caterist ...

 

Indeed, indeed ...

Pond: “Can you tell me what Dr Caterist actually has his PhD in and what scientific institution he works for?”
Menzies Research Centre: “He’s not a scientist, he doesn't actually have a PhD or medical doctorate of any kind, he’s in the lobbying field, he works for a Liberal party aligned, federally government-funded alleged think tank, namely us, which gives him the time to scribble climate science denialism for the lizard Oz.”
Pond: “My understanding is that he’s actually an expert in the movement of flood waters in quarries, and was sued for a substantial sum when he get it wrong.”
Menzies Research Centre: “Yeah, we know, he's a goofball, but he's our goofball.”

To be fair to non-Doctor Caterist, goofballs are not entirely ignorant of drilling, nor are they insensitive to the risks of wallet pocket damage when it comes to talk of science.

Actually that was another snide joke from the goofball, leading off the next gobbet ...

 

Indeed, indeed. Ten billion people on the planet, looting and pillaging its resources, what could go wrong? Which plague is the worst? Humans, mice, rabbits or cockroaches, and which is the likeliest to survive at the rate we're going?

Never mind, the Caterist is in the business of drilling, and pillaging and plundering, and dresses it all up with a healthy dose of climate science denialism, though given his skill with flood waters in quarries, please pardon a little scepticism on the pond's part ...

So there's the science done and dusted this Monday morning, and it shows it's possible to deal with the Major, the masturbatory Canberra bubble, and the wanking of the Caterist all in the one go ... and just to conclude on another eminently scientific note, this is the closer for a recent First Dog, with the cartoon available in full here ... and what do you know, it involved that other crisis entirely overlooked by the Major ...