In which a Sunday meditation starts off with parrots and ends up in Akker Dakker land at the top of the couldn't care less tree ...

After yesterday's trauma, the pond thought it should begin, Japanese-style, by contemplating the cherry blossoms and the parrots at play ... they're chattering away right now, even though the blossom is fading and soon the fickle things will disappear until next year ...

The cheerful creatures reminded the pond that it's only here to help. 

Whenever anybody helpfully calls in with suggestions about how to fix the pond's ailing computer, the pond loves to have a long chat about corruption in Indian cricket, the problems gambling produces in the sub-continent, and the poor form of the Indian cricket team. Sometimes the chats are long, sometimes short and somehow the pond's computer never gets fixed.

The pond would love to help out some of its email correspondents too, but alas observes the rule of never replying or clicking. As a result, it can't advise that an email from Australia Post with an Indonesian address isn't the best way forward ...

How the pond would love to help. There's the grammar and the spelling ...

The pond found "to each hour of maintaining" immensely charming, and would have loved to help, or at least to provide feedback saying how pleased it was to receive such a helpful communication ...

Instead it's the pond's job to help with the reptiles ... 

It's always solicitous and concerned, and most anxious that after her meltdown over Cheltenham Girls High School, Miranda the Devine seems to have temporarily abandoned the field.

As noted by the pond, she's still tweeting away celebrating Monty Burns week at News Corp ...

Bravo indeed, but her absence means good old Akker Dakker rules the front page roost this Sunday ... and we all know what that means. A picture of a preening, smirking, posing Akker Dakker ponces its way around the world ...

This always reminds the pond of an uncanny resemblance between tough rock 'n roller Akker Dakker and the fat owl of the remove ...

Yes, the smirks have it ... but it should be said, it must be noted, it should be reported, that just like the pond, Akker Dakker is only here to help ... and he has a particular affinity with Aboriginal Australia ...

Indeed, indeed. How shameful of the ABC and Julia Gillard to draw attention to institutional abuse, when black bashing - a sport up there with eel bashing - is so much more fun. 

Let the institutions run wild and free and let the devil take the hindmost ...

It's true, it's true. How much better the Royal Commission would have been if Malware had only appointed a sympathetic, concerned reptile like Akker Dakker ... 

Damn it, we all know it's the fault of the pesky, difficult, permanently outraged blacks, but only a few brave souls, like Akker Dakker, have the courage to say it ...

Discipline, that's what they need. A damn good hosing down and a shot of the old tear gas. Oh sure your pussy-footing, mamby-pamby average bourgeois ABC viewer might get upset - unlike the brave souls deep in their Surry Hills bunker - but let's face it, the only way that Adolf Hitler could produce a bit of order in unruly Germany was to bung on a Kristallnacht every so often ... 

Indeed, indeed. Now it might astonish pond readers to learn that the British were carnivorous, it might disturb feminists to discover that for the most part News Corp is fiercely patriarchal - oh Roger, Roger, there might be a home for you at the Daily Terror - and it might disturb indigenous folk to learn that the British have been one of the great war mongering tribes on the planet for generations, and that's why there was an invasion ...

But what's this got to do with anything, or even the price of eggs in the NT? a few innocent souls might ask ...and there's your problem right there.

Clueless. Probably think that wife beating, polygamy and patriarchy aren't unique to pesky blacks, but might actually lurk in other places - oh Roger, Roger, surely there's a home for you at the Daily Terror ...

And that's why we need to foment a little black on black action ...

Well with that invitation to share its thoughts, how could the pond resist?

The way forward seems clear enough. 

Keep on using tear gas, vary it a little with ongoing use of the hood, and perhaps explore other techniques, the ones perfected by the Catholic church during the Inquisition or explored at Abu Ghraib. 

Has anyone thought about enhanced interrogation techniques? Surely the time is right for a little waterboarding - a harmless enough diversion for all involved, and why has no one thought of the benefits of rectal re-hydration?

The pond could list a hundred ways that cruelty and abuse might be refined and enhanced. Why has no one thought of implementing them? Is all this nonsensical talk of civilisation and civilised behaviour, especially in institutions, ruining the country, tearing apart its spirit? 

After all, it's all the fault of them and/or their culture and/or their lack of it, and they need to be whipped in to shape.

If anyone carries on about this, remember it's all the fault of the ABC, feminists and bloody lawyers.

If they don't like it, they can bloody well ship out. It's not as if they ever owned the country, which as everyone knows was terra nullius when the British arrived ... 

They should just get on with it, and soon enough they might develop the self-satisfied, self-congratulatory smirk for which Akker Dakker is so renowned ...

Oh and apropos of yesterday and today, this thought in Crikey bubbled back into the pond's consciousness ...

The pond had only one problem ... with the illustration ...

There, fixed. Oh okay, the pond might need to work on the typing. It's a bit rough, like the grammar in some emails, but remember the pond is only here to help ...