Tony Abbott, and compulsory bible reading, provided you don't forget the juicy bits ...

(Above: something every school child should know. God had genocidal, murderous, wholesale slaughter tendencies. Be wary young folk, at any time, with a fickle flick of his wrist, he can turn you into a pillar of salt. Sure you'd be handy at an Xmas barbeque, but do you want to go as the flavouring? Click to enlarge images).

Tony Abbott can't help himself.

At a time when he should be settling in and devising ways to appeal to the centre, he goes stirring the possum and appealing to his fundie constituents.

He's just an old fashioned motor mouthed blabbermouth who shoots from the hip when he's not blathering with the tongue. How else to explain this provocation?

Bible classes should be compulsory so children have a fundamental understanding of Christianity on leaving school, federal Opposition Leader Tony Abbott says.

Compulsory bible classes? Well Abbott's backed off a little, as the hounds were let loose (Lundy tackles Abbott on Bible Studies), calling the bible proposal the study of a cultural rather than a religious document, which is as about as stupid a defence as you can offer for a bit of dog whistling certain to get the hackles raised in all kinds of quarters.

You see, public schools haven't been in the business of compulsory bible classes for a long time, even back in the Howard picket fence dream time of the nineteen fifties. You could always opt out of the half hour of religious studies and go sit in a room and stare at the wall, if that was your wish, or if you could persuade your parents it was their wish.

And if the oldies were mad keen for you to get your head stuffed full of superstitious nonsense, you could join fellow believers for an optional half hour, or you could head off to Sunday school.

Much like geeks confronted by testing physical education classes could wave a parental note, or a medical certificate, or suddenly discover perilous ailments that prevented participation.

It's the use of the word 'compulsory' - we have ways to make you suffer by forcing you to study the bible - that, as intended, sticks in the craw, as Abbott fed the Herald Sun with an easy header: All kids must read the bible, federal Opposition Leader Tony Abbott says. Never mind the Jews or the Muslims or the atheists, feel the width and depth of the Christian culture.

Well I don't mind people who study the bible - I read it from cover to cover at an impressionable age, and immediately became convinced that agnosticism was the thinking person's sensible half way house, while atheism was probably the only terminus at the end of the tram line. As you would when confronted by myths dressed up as history.

But really the only decent translation of the bible - as literature - is the King James version, which is a bit like studying Shakespeare for the young, reared in a world where history and literature and an extended vocabulary are as remote as the habit of reading of classic comics from the golden age.

If some debased, half-assed translation using modernist gibberish or a mealy mouthed middle class dumbed down vocab is used instead, as a way of bending over backwards to appeal to young 'un, it'd be like offering them Charles and Mary's Tales from Shakespeare. The whole point would be lost. Not so much a "cultural document" as the kind of "religious document" the Catholic education system used as propaganda.

But mention King James to a Catholic like Abbott, and most likely he'd flinch, or at least the eyes would give a half-concealed flicker as he tried to tuck away his resentment.

It always sticks in the craw of Catholics that King James organised the only decently resonant literary translation of the bible - the papal efforts were half hearted (here for a short history of early English translations), and none of them achieved the charm of the many Victorian editions of King James which deployed the Ussher chronology, devised by James Ussher, the Anglican Archbishop of Armagh, which conveniently dated the start of the world, or more to the point, the first day of creation, as beginning at nightfall, preceding Sunday October 23, 4004 BC.

Any decent house had such a bible, and therefore could reliably date any major biblical event by way of the annotations alongside the main text. Arguments about the reliability of the dating methodology, and whether Ussher might have been out by a day or a decade or a century, have all the poignant quality and charm of counting angels on the head of a pin.

But while this nonsense might appeal to the creationists in our midst, how would this kind of arcana interest the young, who after all have meaningful lives to lead, and no need to bother with the stupidities of their elders? Not to mention educators, scientists and secularists. Unless you happen to be Tony Abbott, I suppose:

"I think everyone should have some familiarity with the great texts that are at the core of our civilisation," Mr Abbott said.

"That includes, most importantly, the Bible.

"I think it would be impossible to have a good general education without at least some serious familiarity with the Bible and with the teachings of Christianity.

"That doesn't mean that people have to be believers."

Well by that kind of befuddled notion, we should also be studying all the great Greek and Roman philosophers, poets and sages at a young age - to see how the Christians shamelessly ripped them off - and we should not be averse to putting some of the great minds of other cultures in front of our young, including but not limited to Confucius, the Buddha, the Torah, the Qur'an (which is a helluva lot shorter) and Karl Marx (who's a helluva lot longer).

Oh and a hundred or so decently mind blowing western philosophers and scientists who changed the way we thought about and viewed the world, some with much more deep and far ranging effect than the bible, unless of course you happen to think that the average church currently says more about the world than the detritus of scientific inventions and understandings that now litter the planet, and which the church now manages only reflexive intolerance towards while making good use of to widen the audience for their superstitions (notice how many fundies fill up the full to overflowing intertubes with their rants about creationism?)

Reading the bible without belief - or with failing belief - is in fact an arduous and counter-productive chore, and to make it compulsory would lead to a brand new generation of faith haters, like the rebels in the nineteen sixties who objected to having nonsense rammed down their throats. The way that a young Tony Abbott bought the nonsense when he first read the bible means he provided a good sellers' market, but the same didn't apply to many others confronted by the compulsory cramming of religion, like geese force fed corn to get them fattened up for the metaphysical end times.

As expected, Abbott immediately got a bite from Howard government Islamic advisor Dr Ameer Ali, and from Australian Education Union federal president Angelo Gavrielatos, and Kate Lundy came out fighting on behalf of Chairman Rudd, who'd shot his own arrow of stupidity into the air when he got on board the Blessed Mary MacKillop bandwagon.

No doubt there'll be a frisson run through the media and the intertubes in the next few days.

How it will help Abbott placate centrists and secularists, and get them to swing away from the pieties of Chairman Rudd, only an adherent of the Pellist heresy might understand.

There's Chairman Rudd doing doorstoppers in front of church, and dancing with the ACL fundie types, and singing the praises of MacKillop the saint, and getting away with his preening and poncing, and there's Tony Abbott making stupid remarks that will generate a host of tweets.

"Compulsory". What a goose.

Now if only he'd suggested a decent angle that made the bible a good rewarding read. Like all the sex and violence and silliness.

As it so happens, thanks to Harold Bloom, this week is R. Crumb book of genesis week at loon pond - a grand Xmas present for your Xian friends - and we've put up a couple of pages which suggest just how the rich and fruity material might actually lure young readers into its wonderful web of fairy tales.

And there's lots more not featured in our humble fair use selection - slaves and looting and pillaging and raping and debauchery and killing and perversion and greed and lust and vile power mongering, some of it even approved of, or performed by, god herself (Crumb's refusal to show god as a woman is perhaps his only theological weakness, as he buckles under to the heretical Pellist tradition).

Come to think of it, the Australian taxpayer should fund R. Crumb to do the entire bible, and then we can get to talk about compulsory comic book reading in schools and the importance of schoolkids confronting important cultural documents ... after Crumb, perhaps we should provide a half hour for the reading of the sacred texts of Carl Barks ...

Meanwhile, deep in the heart of the Pellist heresy, the Pellists continue to insist terminal illnesses such as cancer can be cured by prayer.

But Catholic Archbishop of Sydney Cardinal George Pell admits such cures, like the miracle attributed to Mary MacKillop, is rare.

"Yes, obviously (cancer can be cured by prayer)," Cardinal Pell told ABC television today.

"And there are quite a number of examples in the books."

Cardinal Pell says that won't give sick people a false sense of security because they realise cure by prayer is a "very long shot". (here).

Mary MacKillop's managed two alleged, so called miracles in a hundred years. God's managing to send about 7.6 million people a year to meet their maker via cancer, and growing (here).

Long shot? I'd have a better chance of flying to the moon using my Hargrave box kite. God surely is the most refined sadist, or is it Sydney course bookmaker, when setting the odds. What a derelict old supernatural wonder She is.

As for climate change denying Pell, based on his rigorous scientific understandings, what a goose.

Who let all those squawking geese in here? This is supposed to be a pond for sensible loons ...

(Below: a few more random samples of R. Crumb. First up, a dash of child abuse, as recommended by god. Remember not to spare the rope! And of course when angels walk amongst you, and see tits on a statue, be prepared for some Supernatural action. And finally the vexed matter of Onan. Yep, I'd like to see the compulsory discussion of onanism in religious classes, so the matter can finally be sorted. It's got nothing to do with masturbation, which is totally virtuous. Rock on young - and old - wankers wherever you are, but watch out for that rock. Click to enlarge images).