Christopher Pearson, The Australian, and a host of conspiracies and wet dreams ...

(Above: screen cap of The Australian this Sunday morning. I liked it so well, I just had to capture it and pickle it in aspic, so I could drool over it, dreaming of the ascendancy, and the hard-hitting, power-laden aspirational Danny Green inspired boxer Tony Abbott).

Do conservatives have wet dreams?

Possibly. After all a wet dream is almost as good as sex, and if you're not married, you shouldn't be having sex at all. Come to think of it, if you are married, better not to have sex either. Got to think of the annulment.

Instead, why not have long, rich, luxuriant, creamy, milky dreams of power under the new Abbott ascendancy?

Or perhaps it's just a case of cats getting too close to the cat nip, not that we in any way endorse feeding your pets intoxicating substances, or allow them to sniff, or roll around in a bed of cat nip, like a conservative contemplating the new Abbott ascendancy. Save the cats from their perversions and perversity.

But nothing could stop The Australian this Sunday morn. It was on a high, a surge of wild cat dreaming. Good old Mike Steketee went back to the very start of the Liberasl dreamtime - Liberal lessons in appeal takes us back to Ming the Merciless and the very foundations of the universe, the big bang of '49 and twenty three years of rule, so that picket fences might flourish and the world be kept from harm. Oh what a wet dream it was, and now the forgotten people must rally again, or rather Tony Abbott must once again rally a large cross-section of Australians.

Was it only a few years ago John Howard was racing past his tenth year of rule, and now the forgotten people are forgotten again? So quickly we forget the forgotten, who now must rally to The Australian's banner.

But wait, there's more the long forgotten past to this dreaming - first came the news that the Liberals had easily won Bradfield and Higgins, as exciting as the news that the Pope remains steadfast in the Vatican, so distraught was I at the thought Toorak might go green, and Bradfield go barking mad Fred Nile.

And then there was Tony Abbott's exciting attack - Rudd does not represent world: Abbott, in which Abbott announced with a steadfast vision, nay, revealed with a profound and deep insight, that the man who sits at the head of a government on top of twenty one million or so people, does not in fact represent a world with six billion people plus, and rapidly counting.

By golly with that kind of insight, Chairman Rudd's days as a combined Chairman Mao and Stalin are numbered. No way he'll get his hands on those black helicopters at the UN.

Nor should we forget Blow: Abbott reveals knockout strategy, wherein Abbott has a rich fantasy about being a Danny Green up against a wily Roy Jones, and taking the Roy-like Rudd down in the first round, and Paul Kelly getting so wildly excited he temporarily abandons somnolescence - or is that somnambulism - to talk with bated breath about Abbott's grenade ignites debate.

And even for a fleeting moment, Christopher Pearson hit the front page to talk about Abbott's ascendancy.

All gone now, swept away into the digital netherworld, this cluster of headlines celebrating Tony Abbott, if only to be replaced by the joyous news that maverick Nationals senator Barnaby Joyce will get a guernsey on the front bench, and likely as not given the job of sinking a hearty fist into the balls of the hooker in the opposing front row. Let's see how Julia Gillard responds to that kind of treatment. I hope Barnaby is wearing protection.

As usual the tastiest treat in this pre-Christmas carnivale came from Christopher Pearson, with Abbott's ascendancy changes the game. First the hard science on Climategate:

The Fairfax press and the ABC initially failed to report the story and then did their level best to trivialise it, at vast cost to their authority as news providers. The blogosphere has left them behind, looking anachronistic as well as disingenuous and blatantly partisan. By Thursday, when this column was filed, a Google search of Climategate provided more than 21 million results, while a search of ABC online came up with only one.

Well that's as good a knock contribution to the science of climate change as I've come across. 21 million results! It must be true. Funny, I did a google search on sex and came up with about 111,000,000 hits in 0.12 seconds. Guess sex exists too. But when I looked up kinky sex I only came up with 1,310,000 hits in 0.07 seconds. What is wrong with you people! Not that the blogosphere is in any way nakedly partisan, or that I'm being anachronistic, or blatantly disingenuous, but really I expect more and better from you people on the full to overflowing intertubes.

And Pearson - who has impeccable credentials as a scientist - kept up the attack in an in depth way. As well as exposing the key role of the ABC and the Fairfax press in what is a deeply parish pump issue, scarcely relevant to the rest of the world, it was left to rural Australia, led by valiant Barnaby and his team, to notice:

It understates the case to say these things don't go unnoticed in rural and regional Australia, where local ABC radio has long been a trusted source of information. Who could be blamed for concluding that the national broadcaster is conspiring to play down or conceal news that is in any way damaging to the case for anthropogenic global warming?

Yes, they're part of a deep conspiracy, an endlessly deep conspiracy which is so deep that no one yet has plumbed the bottom, but it seemingly involves not just Mark Scott, but perhaps the whole Fairfax board, as the craven editorial team act on their Stonecutter instructions.

Needless to say Chairman Rudd is also part of this vast international conspiracy, which is three parts religious zealotry of a kind unrelated to the Catholic church, and one part nest feathering, which sees many climate scientists as rich as Bill Gates (or perhaps even richer, so rapacious has been the feathering):

Climategate has presented the Rudd government with similar challenges. No one has quite got around to saying that they are concerned about evidence that leading climatologists have stopped behaving like serious scientists and welcome the inquiry that has just been announced into the East Anglia shenanigans. Instead in the past fortnight the Prime Minister has resorted to claiming recent weather events were evidence of global warming and underlined the need for action, a rhetorical strategy that takes us all for fools who can't make the elementary distinction between weather and climate.

Hah. As if I can't tell the difference between weather and climate. It's a lovely mild spring day in Sydney today. So tell me now serious scientists ... where's your global warming now!

But enough already. We've been told about the vast international conspiracy involving everyone except The Australian, and Christopher Pearson, and perhaps Tim Blair and Andrew Bolt and a few other noble warriors, now what fresh front of doubt, uncertainty, fear and loathing can be mined?

There is another front on which Kevin Rudd is suddenly exposed. In 2007 he won the support of evangelical and mainstream Christian churches by promising to oppose any form of gay civil union that mimicked marriage. The Australian Christian Lobby, led by ex-SAS brigadier Jim Wallace, extracted an undertaking that persuaded its members the Prime Minister could be trusted. It was a crucial constituency in getting him over the line.

Oh yes, those fickle fundies. There was John Howard talking to the Brethren, and Peter Costello off with Hillsong and pastor Danny, but they picked the wrong fundies. It was Chairman Rudd who picked the crucial constituency and they played a crucial part in getting him over the line. And ever since then, he and Steve Fielding have been at one working to make Australia a better place, but not any more.

In the past fortnight the ACT has introduced quasi-nuptial ceremonies with civil celebrants. The federal government, which can override Territory legislation, has failed to pre-empt such ceremonies taking place, although it may insist on amendments next week. Wallace says: "The gay lobby is unhappy with this because it doesn't mimic marriage completely and we are unhappy because it does so too much. Whatever the nuances in the federal government-directed amendments to the ACT legislation, it does not satisfy the ALP's election promise."

Yep, gay marriage and Chairman Rudd's deceptive unsatisfactory election promise, betrayed, compromised, hopelessly broken and shattered, the dream like china on the floor of a shop visited by a careless bully, will bring down the government.

The ACL will see to it, Tony Abbott will rise to power, and a new world order will see Cardinal Pell invited to Canberra to bless his new government.

Abortion will be abolished, the fiends in Canberra halted in their tracks with their filthy perverted gay marriages, the internet will be censored, and sex will be replaced by wet dreams of a new conservative world order.

Oh and the climate change conspiracy will be smashed, and nothing will be done, and we can all cheerfully go on shitting in our nests, as has been done by the white capped Noddy Tern since time immemorial.

Yep, the Noddies make nests of leaves glued together by Noddy shit, and if it's good enough for the noddies, it certainly should be good enough for all of us ....

But wait, what's this? Convincing evidence that homosexuality isn't just confined to humans, via a list of animals other than humans displaying homosexual behavior?

Dearie me, it's clearly a scientific conspiracy. We need Tony Abbott's ascendancy to tackle this major issue.

My suggestion ... any species exhibiting homosexual tendencies be wiped from the planet, long before they're due to go under because of climate change. Oops, does that include humans? Well I'm afraid so, because what's good for the gander is good for the gander ...

Dearie me, just think if we'd voted John Howard back in, we'd already have a legislated ETS in place.

Or is that just liberal wet dreaming? Never mind, the ascendancy is at hand, and I've seen the glory of the coming of the lord thanks to The Australian. Think. again. Or perhaps just Think.

(Below: a key climate change conspirator, part of a richly deviant and suspect family enterprise kept in power in Australia by ... oh no, say it ain't so, Tony Abbott).

Oh no, the conspiracy widens to include the head of the Catholic church, seen below with a fornicator and adulterer and his former mistress. Read how this conspirator speaks, though only rural Australians seem to have noticed, despite the best endeavours of the ABC and Fairfax Media to keep it from them:

Offering his well-wishes to participants of an international gathering of environmentalists, scientists, journalists and religious leaders (including his representative from the Vatican, retired Archbishop of Washington, DC, Cardinal Theodore McCarrick), Pope Benedict call climate change a “grave concern.” The gathering was entitled, "The Arctic: Mirror of Life" and held in Greenland and begun by Orthodox Patriarch Bartholomew I of Constantinople.

Preservation of the environment, promotion of sustainable development and particular attention to climate change are matters of grave concern for the entire human family. No nation or business sector can ignore the ethical implications present in all economic and social development. With increasing clarity scientific research demonstrates that the impact of human actions in any one place or region can have worldwide effects. The consequences of disregard for the environment cannot be limited to an immediate area or populous because they always harm human coexistence, and thus betray human dignity and violate the rights of citizens who desire to live in a safe environment. (here as a pdf).

Please people, the conspiracy is out of hand, and the Fairfax media clowns and the ABC aren't noticing it! More news about how the conspiracy has swept to the head of the Vatican here, and here.

Oh dear, if you google Pope Benedict and climate change you get 412,000 results in 0.25 seconds. If you google Prince Charles and climate change, you get 454,000 in 0.2o seconds! What does this tell you!

Not as much as the news that if you google Camilla Parker Bowles and climate change, you get 972,000 hits in 0.22 seconds!