Chris Deal, boxing on at The Punch, and splendid satirical observations about the need for an internet bill of rights ...

(Above: a classic piece of Photoshop fraudulence on The Punch, here, and with its caption still uncorrected, presumably on the basis of who gives a fuck, just lighten up).

Alcoholics call it a moment of clarity. Oprah calls it an "ah-ha moment".

Chris Deal calls it a penny dropping thing, and after reading his The time has come for an Internet Bill of Rights, I banked some vital coin.

Namely when people are painfully unfunny, they're simply painful, and when they live in glass houses, they shouldn't throw stones.

But anyway, since no one asked, and in response to Deal's handsome list of suggestions for a bill of rights for the intertubes, here's my counter-vailing proposal for some of the rights he seems to have strangely overlooked:

The right for contributors to The Punch, Australia's most drivelling contribution to the blogosphere, to be paid, in the hope that the quality of contributions improves.

The right to assume that anyone who gets on their high horses about anonymity on the web (you know like the designer of The Punch, occasional writer and rabbit fancier) has designed a web site which either has no comments section, or only allows a comments section where comment providers are real people using real names.

Remember the good old days?

Obviously enough, the site exists for you - the reader. Unless you ask us a question, we will keep our noses out of the limitless space we’ve provided for comments, and let you have your say.

One thing we ask - we strongly encourage readers to log on as themselves. We’re more interested in hearing from Ian Smith of Box Hill than Dingbat of Box Hill, as we suspect Ian might have something more interesting to say. We not only want to encourage a civil and illuminating standard of debate, we want to give every reader the opportunity to write for the site, under their own name. (here).

Never mind. Dingbat will do quite nicely, just keep on delivering those precious hits so we can strut about as cock o' the walk.

The right to assume that when someone publishes a photo that is clearly Photoshopped, and it's an expression, and not a deception, that the expression will be clearly labelled as the deception it clearly is (see photo above). (I know it's not as cogent as Deal's The right to Photoshop and call it expression and not deception, but hey he's a satirical genius).

The right of a person writing as a dick not to assume that calling others dicks prevents dickhood status being thrust upon him.

The right of a troll to upbraid other trolls while merrily trolling away in a half-witted fucked way, because some trolls are funnier than others.

The right to use caps, while decrying those who use caps, because my use of caps is much more amusing than the way others use caps.

And so on and so forth, and preferably with an embitted, cynical tone which will enrage readers so that they will respond in kind. A sample:

Lost me at the first shout, pal. Your caps lock key is sticking.

The right to post meaningless drivvel under the guise of a legitimate opinion piece. I want the five minutes of my life back.

Wasn’t there a time when the silly season in journalism was reserved for flying-saucer stories?

What is going on in there, is David Penberthy directing writers to post articles with this type of sentiment? Its a regular occurrence, why do you despise your readers so much?

Garbage in, garbage out?

No, no, The Punch loves its readers. Remember the good old days?

The Punch is a new opinion website aimed at every Australian with a love of ideas, discussion and debate.

It’s not a fancy, la-di-dah site aimed at people with three university degrees, nor is it a site for yobbos who want to engage in mindless abuse.

Oh dear, what went wrong? Sure three university degrees ruled you out, but there didn't seem to be a problem having one or two, provided you weren't going to be fancy or la-di-dah about it in an Annie Hall kind of way.

Here's Chuck discussing that clever satirical Chris Deal's impact on his readership:

chuck says:
I love the comments section at the Punch. It’s where one can come to feel the love.

Do the staffers at the Punch sit round of an afternoon and compare notes on who got the best hating of the day ? Love it.

Oh Chuck, you've got it all wrong. The Punch isn't like that, and especially not it's designer, as he writes hard-hitting, cutting edge satirical comedy, in the spirit of its original introductory editorial:

It’s a place for spirited, sleeves-up, energetic, engaging commentary, written by people who enjoy writing, for people who enjoy reading. As today’s spread of topics illustrates, The Punch is just as happy covering politics as it is covering TV, crime, music, social trends, sport, business, economics, food and fashion.

Every day it will present diverse opinions from its own small team, and a rolling roster of almost 100 outside contributors, to give you real-time commentary and analysis of news and current affairs. Many of their names are published below; you will see them and others roll out over the coming fortnight.

Oh I'm sorry, I almost didn't give you a sample of Chris Deal's original penetrating thoughts:

The right to be offered an unsurpassed wealth of free content and services from the private sector, yet erupt with self-righteous indignation when said content and services are threatened to be taken from us

But what about the right to erupt in self-righteous indignation when another righteous wanker and one of Chairman Rupert's minions whinges and whines about property theft and people copping an unsurpassed wealth of free content and services?

Chris Deal is free? Where do I sign up to pay him to make sure he will STFU, or at least stay out of scribbling for The Punch?

The right to be an expert on any topic, whether expertise exists or not

Indeed. Or perhaps the right to devise a blog called The Punch, where 'expects on any topic, whether expertise exists or not' are rolled out on a daily basis for our amusement.

The right to fill the infinite void with banal musings about your cat/dog/kids

But hang on, what about the right to fill the full to overflowing intertubes with banal musings about the banal musings of people musing about their cat/dog/kids, or the property rights of Chairman Rupert, and the evil satanists at Google?

The right to take everything at face value, read only headlines, and call it “truth”

Indeed, and we attach a fine example below of the Murdoch press at work today in the Daily Terror in the cause of headline truth.

The right to Rickroll

Indeed, so that we can pose as 4chan savants, while berating the very same elsewhere in the rant.

(And if rickroll or 4chan has escaped you, head off to the Urban dictionary for an explanation of the rickroll, here).

But the funniest, most desperate, sign of the paranoid persecuted siege mentality at work in the Murdoch press these days:

The right to take content without offering remuneration, and to argue the toss on the difference between downloads and theft as if it were some sort of existentialist conundrum or valiant political activism.

Yep, a debate about censorship and the filtering of the internet and child pornography is conflated with piracy.

Well we know where Chairman Rupert and his minions will be heading with the internet filter don't we?

It won't just be about child porn, it'll be a handy way to beat the pirates. And you can bet that Murdoch and his minions are already gnawing on that bone as they write in praise of Senator Conroy.

After all if kiddie porn is bad, think how much more evil the intertubes has become as a way of stripping wealth from Chairman Rupert. Shocking.

But here's the funny thing. I'll still be able to access free content at public broadcasters like the BBC and the ABC, and it'll be a darn sight more informative than the dribble at The Punch.

Perhaps we need a new right added to the list:

the right to filter the BBC and the ABC and such like so that consumers are forced to pay for their news content, which isn't the same as illegally downloading movies and music, but never mind, any port in a storm for a Murdoch minion.

And let's not forget a special right for Chris Deal:

The right not to use the full stop in a full flowing list of rights.

There's more, much more in Chris Deal's controversial, penetratingly party line, mindless four legs good two legs bad blast at the intertubes, but if you want to see how The Punch has degenerated, and in such a short time, you can always head off there yourself. Or not, as the case may be.

You might even find a few people who tried to provide a sensible response to Chris Deal:

On a more serious note, the web is big business - enormous business - so much so that it is bankrupting media organisations that don’t adopt to it and create new structures. That may be bad news for them but the advent of the printing press was bad news for monks in monasteries as well. Printed material was vastly more difficult to censor than handwritten manuscripts, but that didnt’ stop the “entitlement generation” of 16th century Europe revolutionising every facet of their understanding of the world. The advent of this new medium has indeed spawned a whole bunch of worthless garbage, but the head-grabbing horror of people who don’t understand the new environment and how it operates will leave them, and their business models, behind in favour of new ones. It’s not good or bad, it’s what is happening. Meanwhile journos like Chris cope with the process by making cheap gags.

Oh foolish monkeytypist, you and your fake anonymous name.

Why there's more substance in your short spiel than in all the fevered jottings emanating from Chris Deal's troubled brow.

But bugger that for a joke, surely all this talk of censorship and suspending freedom of speech is way too serious to just let Chris Deal dribble away in a mock humorous send up of concerned citizens.

Hmmm, what to do? Perhaps download a Fox video while I can as payback, before the filter starts doing its proper job? Nah, it's just as easy to rip a copy and get better quality in the process ...

Nah, I'll just settle for Chris Deal's advice:

The right to incite, inflame and insult others without fear of repercussion or social responsibility

The right to hate on idiots, and for idiots to hate on us back, like whatever.

Yep, whatever. It's so Reece Witherspoon, so incisive, so ... whatever ...

Yippee, I'm qualified to write for The Punch, and demean serious issues and debates, like the use of filters to censor the internet, with frivolous, stupid, half-assed, half-baked satirical columns ...

Oh brave new world of the intertubes. Surely it's salvation can only come about by it being handed over to Chairman Rupert and privatised for the good of all ...

(Below: and you thought I'd forgotten, but here it is, the Daily Terror's splash for the thinking gentleman reader, preserved in aspic, a clear brownish jelly in which cold meat is sometimes is served, but which can also be used to provide safe haven for delicious digital content. And no it's not intellectual property theft, it's a fair use to explain how much better the intertubes will at delivering meaningful content when they're privatised and handed over to Chairman Rupert. But please don't click on the blue bit, it's a screen cap, and anyway, we disapprove of the promiscuous linking culture that bedevils the intertubes as people slut about chasing information willy nilly without paying hard cash for it).