Gerard Henderson, the saintly Mary MacKillop thrashes John Howard, and all bets are off ...

(Above: the ABC, here, discovers an 1899 logo miracle in Mary MacKillop, back in the days when the Catholic church preferred to dress its devout women in a style a fundie Islamic penguin lover might admire).

As of today, we enter a brave, bold, uncertain and unnerving world.

The betting ring dedicated to the number of times John Howard is mentioned in Gerard Henderson's regular column in the SMH has been suspended, and inquiries are under way into what has now been dubbed the Mary MacKillop scandal.

Some may call it a miracle, but many are calling it a shocking turn up for the books, because you see, as a result of Mary MacKillop's amazing miraculous spiritual intervention from beyond the grave, there are nil references to John Howard in Courageous MacKillop was not beholden to boundaries.

Nil, nada, zip, nihil!

Some embittered punters are claiming a fix, some looking for a ringer, but by order of the stewards, all monies must be returned to the punters. It's believed a few bookies, shattered by the turn of events, have turned to god.

Hence the claim of a miracle - how many bookies do you know that have turned to god? It is clear evidence - should any further be needed - demonstrable incontrovertible proof that Mary MacKillop should be canonised.

Let Gerard Henderson explain:

When the Catholic Church in Rome is determining who will be canonised, it is the number of miracles that matter. Not the number of those advocating that a certain individual should be declared a saint.

Keeping Gerard Henderson's mind off John Howard for an entire column? That's a miracle beyond measure. But should you believe in a miracle?

Some Catholics believe in miracles. Others are not so sure. After all, medicine is a developing science and it is impossible to demonstrate that what is currently an inexplicable cure may not turn out later to be explainable.

You see, on the one hand, a miracle is inexplicable, but on the other, it is a steaming pile of implausible gobbledegook designed to take the punters back to the good old days of the water into wine routine, or produce half assed equivocations in the minds of commentariat columnists as they cautiously dip their elbow into the boiling hot water of theological disputation.

Best addressed by evoking the mysterious thinking of "Some believe" and "others are not so sure", while the correspondent remains mute, struck dumb as to the plausibility of MacKillop as a saint. Why 'tis as worthy of any utterance by Polonius as we've come across.

Think of it not so much as a mystical proceeding, or a kind of spiritual mumbo jumbo, as the church does, but rather as a kind of medal, a church V.C., a grand civilian honour, a kind of ordre de la legion d'honneur:

There is little doubt that MacKillop warrants the highest honour the Pope can grant to the Catholic departed.

Even if it's a load of mystical mumbo jumbo and codswallop?

Never mind, the Catholic Church has created over 10,000 saints, so many that some are forgotten or disputed or taken off the list, which isn't to say that they're not a saint, just a saint past their time, and what's another from the antipodes being added to the list (here for a primer list of saints, here for the business of saints).

One of the glories of the Anglican communion is that it dismantled the whole saints business (in much the same way as indulgences were put to the sword), with only Charles the First getting the nod, and the pre-reformation mob of saints given grudging acceptance. They preferred to give the nod to persons who led lives of "celebrated sanctity or missionary zeal" a nod in the calendar of the Prayer Book, but as a result, missed out on a lot of plaster of paris statues in their churches, and tremendous knickknacks for tourists on their concession stands. Try getting around Rome without acquiring a saint or three for the mantelpiece.

Never mind, the process of canonisation might not be mentioned in the bible, might be a kind of cultus which involves the fetishisation of those bearing stigmata, or the remains of saints, or their relics, or their holy images and icons, but our prattling Polonius is right up there on the theology:

Catholics believe in the Fall, the inevitability of sin and the need for forgiveness and reconciliation. Like the rest of her flock, MacKillop was far from perfect. She, too, was a manifestation of original sin. Yet, for all her faults, MacKillop was a remarkable Australian Catholic who exhibited enormous personal courage. Her story is well told by Paul Gardiner in the biography Mary MacKillop: An Extraordinary Australian.

Is Henderson himself far from beatification and the title "Blessed", so sympathetic is he to the cause, so careful to evoke the worldly power of MacKillop's supporters, even though they've taken a long time to catch the ear of Rome?

Kevin Rudd went to Mass at the Mary MacKillop Memorial Chapel in North Sydney on Sunday. The Prime Minister, who was raised a Catholic but mainly attends Anglican services, is a well known supporter of the cause to make Mary MacKillop, the Melbourne-born founder of the Sisters of St Joseph (or Josephites), a saint.

Tim Fischer, the former National Party leader and now ambassador to the Holy See, is another fan of MacKillop. The new Liberal Party leader, Tony Abbott, is also a member of the MacKillop Fan Club.

You see, it's bipartisan, so it must be true. Better still, MacKillop was a federalist, who disapproved of the quaint notion of states. Some might say she was an early forewarning of the dangers of globalisation and the international world order ruled from Rome:

The Josephites were formally founded in 1866, the year MacKillop turned 24. In 1871 she was formally excommunicated from the Catholic Church by Bishop Laurence Sheil in Adelaide. Sheil, who suffered from mood swings, withdrew the excommunication order shortly before his death the following year.

The dispute between MacKillop and Sheil turned on her insistence that the Josephites be a national order with a central form of government. Here she was before her time, maintaining that a new country like Australia could not be beholden to colonial (later state) boundaries or to the prevailing structure in the church whereby Catholic priests, brothers, nuns and laity alike belonged to a diocese run by a bishop or archbishop who reported directly to the Pope in Rome.

Reported directly to Rome? Gasp, you mean it's true - that deviant Archbishop Daniel Mannix was part of an international Romanist conspiracy when he fought so hard against conscription in World War One (here). Any chance he might be elevated to sainthood? Unlikely. Those pesky Irish were always a problem, with their celtic wars:

Certainly the Society of Jesus (the Jesuits) was an international order reporting directly to the Pope. The likes of Sheil were willing to accept the Jesuits in Australia. After all, their founder - Ignatius of Loyola - was a canonised saint. But this did not mean that the Irish-born Sheil and some fellow bishops were willing to concede a degree of autonomy to a young women with a Scottish Catholic background.

In 1873 MacKillop took her case to Rome, met Pope Pius IX at the Vatican and won. At the time she was just over 30 years of age. Opposition to MacKillop from within the hierarchy did not dissipate and in the 1880s the matter was again referred to Rome. This time Pope Leo XIII ruled in MacKillop's favour. And there the matter rested. MacKillop found that when dealing with bishops it was advisable to document your case in writing.

Um, so are we giving her sainthood status for being a convictions politician within the church?

You see, it's not supposed to be about being a good teacher, or doing good in the community. It's about performing miracles, and you need a couple of certified events to get across the line.

Sorry, it's all about the good works, and giving children a healthy understanding that they were heading off to hell unless they toed the line:

To be fair, she did get consistent support from the English-born Archbishop Roger Bede Vaughan in Sydney along with a couple of New Zealand bishops and the Jesuit order. Under its central structure, the Sisters of Saint Joseph undertook good works in giving basic education to poor children in Australia and New Zealand. MacKillop received some support from those of Protestant and Jewish faith. But most of the support came from Catholics and MacKillop described herself as the Josephites' beggar-in-chief.

Many contemporary Australians of Catholic background and modest economic means owe their success today to the sacrifices made by the Sisters of St Joseph.

Yes, let's all thank the nuns, and how better than to vote for an Australian saint. I'd suggest that it happen immediately, just before Christmas, and I propose Henderson's column as an exemplary miracle, a John Howard free zone which is way beyond the miracle of a cancer cure.

Bring it on, and bring it on now, so that the church can receive a free kick, and a bit of positive publicity, after all the recent difficulties. Give the cult an even break:

MacKillop's pending canonisation is a timely reminder of the men and women of Christian faith who devoted their lives to the poor and the dispossessed. At a time when there is proper concern about the past sexual and physical abuse of some young Catholics by Catholic clergy, it is appropriate to remember that many Australian Catholics had a more wholesome experience.

Proper concern? Well I guess that's better than improper concern.

Greg O'Regan, for example, who wrote to The Canberra Times last month thanking the Sisters of Mercy and the Marist Brothers for taking him "into their hearts" when he was an orphan and affirming that they "have no need to apologise".

And so it came to pass. As a result of the intervention of our prattling Polonius, suddenly a devotee of Catholicism of exemplary piety and propriety, the odds in the betting ring now suggest MacKillop will get up before Christmas.

"We are hoping before Christmas. An early Christmas present indeed."

... If the miracle is recognised before Christmas, it is understood Mary MacKillop will be canonised early in the New Year. (here).

By golly, Tony Abbott as the leader of the opposition, Chairman Rudd as a Christian who has swung both ways, Kristina Keneally as the new chair of NSW, the Pellist heresy in firm control in the Sydney diocese. Can it get any better for Catholics?

And could there be a chance for decent comedy in the antipodes at last?

Now that might sound cryptic but there will be a few who remember our prattling Polonius's bizarre battle with Mike Carlton, and his contention that the Chaser boys comedy arose from the way they were privately educated within the Protestant non-demoninational system. (here, in pdf form, just look for Chaser in find).

Carlton got a tad exasperated:

I would be pleased to resume the correspondence in the event – remotely unlikely – that you write, do, or say something with a glimmer of humour. Or even a vague notion of irony or the absurd. That would mean an end to bombast which, on all the evidence, is beyond you.
I must say I am amazed at the Protestant bee in your Catholic bonnet. I had thought that such sectarian bigotry had died with the unlamented B.A. Santamaria. Plainly not. I wince when I contemplate what sort of “history” you and your fellow, white armband Howardistas are trying to force upon young Australians.

Our prattling Polonius with a sense of humour? By golly, there are some miracles beyond even the likes of a Mary MacKillop. Why a cure for cancer is like a stroll in the park up against that sort of challenge.

But you see if Mary MacKillop is sainted, there's a good chance that the ABC will turn to decent Christian - or at least Catholic - comedy. After all, she wore the ABC logo at an early age (see images at top), and it's clear that protestants only know how to devise cruel, harmful comedy.

So there's another miracle. Saintly Mary MacKillop will strike down the Chaser boys, and deliver a golden age of laughs.

And what's more, remember she did remove John Howard from the frontal lobe of Gerard Henderson's scribbling brain for an entire column.

Now all she needs to do is get rid of Pell, bring the flock of sheep back into the church on Sundays to be tithed, get the young in the antipodes interested in Catholicism of the Roman kind, fix up the ageing and failing priesthood, and remove the stench around the sexual follies behind sundry altars.

Golly, suddenly giving our prattling Polonius a sense of humour is starting to sound like a walk in the park.

(Below: look closely to see another miracle).