Tony Abbott, adding water to desiccated coconut, and the return of the living dead ...

(Above: Bronwyn Bishop discovers electricity. Or is that Philip Ruddock? I get so confused).

Got a pack of desiccated coconut?

Pour into a bowl. Add water. Notice how the coconut swells and plumps as it soaks up the moisture.

Got a vampire in a coffin in the basement? Looking a bit dusty? Take one fresh young virgin into the basement, sprinkle her blood on the vampire, and see the difference. Notice the healthy glow of the cheeks, the sudden flush in the pulsing veins. Avoid sunlight and job done.

Got a bunch of ne'er do well dropkicks hanging around at a loose end?

Why not give them a job in shadow cabinet?

Why, there's Bronwyn Bishop. Instead of kicking her out of the party, to make way for fresh blood, why not give her a job tending the elderly, on the basis that the elderly can take care of their own. How else can the love child of Bronnie and John Howard repay his eternal debt to the kerosene fumed Bronnie?

But wait, better still, why not give Kevin "the undertaker" Andrews the job of looking after families. He did the job so well in his past life as a Minister. How better to thank the straw man that took down Malcolm and sent him to the outer.

Industrial relations? What better way to reward Eric Abetz, than to give him the opportunity to screw workers the way he screwed Malcolm on the outer?

Philip Ruddock, the man who makes desiccated coconut seem like its awash with water? Well surely he deserves a job as secretary to shadow cabinet, so that the extraordinary corporate knowledge of his dry as dust stuff ups can be circulated to his colleagues. Amnesty International demands no less for such a proud wearer of the badge.

And who better than Nick Minchin in energy to stir up the possums and beat the drum about nuclear energy, to solve a problem we don't have, which is to say climate change, when we can just go along merrily burning coal forever. Got a problem? Go talk to the climate change theologians.

And the possum given the job of tending a non-existent problem? Why that's Greg Hunt, who now has a portfolio covering 'climate action', which perhaps could henceforth mean he's known as the opposition spokesperson for 'climate action is crap' portfolio. Think of him as "action man", but don't bend him too far. The plastic might break.

And so on and so forth, as Barnaby Joyce has got up to head the finance portfolio. As a devout believer in agrarian socialism of an extremely strong kind, heaven help the city if he ever gets the keys to the money chest.

Even The Australian didn't know how to sell it, and the tag Abbott looks to past for fresh team takes you to this mournful dirge Abbott gives fresh start to Kevin Andrews, Philip Ruddock and Bronwyn Bishop.

Fresh start! Keep automated portable defibrillator handy in case of emergency.

Peter van Onselen also didn't quite know what to say about the cardiopulmonary resuscitation party, but does his best to deliver an 'on the one hand and on the other' homage in Tony Abbott avoids obvious payback against Turnbull supporters.

Surely the headline should have read Abbott avoids obvious talent in his grave robbing exercise?

Well Back to the Future was one of those definitive feel good nineteen eighties movies, but by the time they got to the third in the trilogy it was feeling a tad worn.

Now god help us all, way back when in 1999, they were talking about a BTTF part four (here), but thank the lord nothing much seemed to happen, and then in 2008 a fire took out the Hill Valley/Clock Tower courthouse set.

At last the reason has become clear. No one in Hollywood had the clarity or vision to employ Tony Abbott and his script doctor team.

Instead we all get the chance now to go back to the future with him and Bronnie and Eric and Nick and Philip and Kevin and ... (full list here in pdf form).

Abbott brings back the dead in reshuffle, says Bernard Keane, preferring to defame the dead, when I know as a sometime ghost whisperer that the dead have much brighter ideas and better insights about life than can be mustered from the undead who have lurched back on to the stage in this reshuffle ...

(Below: if confronted with this kind of problem, call Tony Abbott).