Senator Stephen Conroy, and an official declaration of war ...

It's official. This site is now officially at war with Christmas, and with the Australian Labor Party.

I know, I know, you want to break Godwin's Law, and remind me that Hitler's fatal mistake was to open a second front with Russia, and thereafter be doomed.

True enough, but he was doomed anyway, once America entered the war. It was a simple matter of size and industrial might and resources and person power, with the end an inevitable bloody outcome of Hitler's original delusionary mis-match of Germany and a few others v. the world.

Now loon pond doesn't have much in the way of resources to battle the the federal government, the ALP and the satan-fearing forces in favour of Christmas, so of course it's a delusionary mis-match. Sheesh, it's called loon pond.

But there are signs of hope.

For a start, if you go along with the Santa routine, or celebrate pagan materialist North Pole mythologies, or bring elves, stockings or pine trees or Donner und Blitzen, or pagan Xmas decorations into the mix, you're half way along the with us in the war on Xmas.

Throw in booze ups, barbeques, drunken sex at the office party, shellfish, and other food banned by Deuteronomy and Leviticus, and you're already on the right flank, and charging into the battle. Might we suggest bacon for breakfast on Xmas day, followed by a wholesome meal of oysters and lobster for a drunken, groping lunch as the kids play with their war toys and barbie dolls under the Xmas tree?

And the swine, though he divide the hoof, and be clovenfooted, yet he cheweth not the cud; he is unclean to you.

Of their flesh shall ye not eat, and their carcase shall ye not touch; they are unclean to you.

These shall ye eat of all that are in the waters: whatsoever hath fins and scales in the waters, in the seas, and in the rivers, them shall ye eat.

And all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you:

They shall be even an abomination unto you; ye shall not eat of their flesh, but ye shall have their carcases in abomination.

Whatsoever hath no fins nor scales in the waters, that shall be an abomination unto you.

Yea, verily, the fish markets are a potent force for Xmas.

Nor should we exclude pagan rituals, and such like, as well as Jewish holidays and the black week-long celebration Kwanzaa, which adds to the charm of the Xmas season. Malcolm on the outer has the right spirit:

Our Jewish friends and neighbours here in Sydney's East are celebrating Channukah the festival of lights which celebrates the indomitability of the Jewish people and their refusal to be bullied into submission. Chag sameach. Chazak u baruch! (here)

(And greetings to my one time long ago Jewish boyfriend, who fancied himself as a poet. Did I ever tell you your poetry sucked? Never mind. Baruch ata Adonai elohanu melech ha olam, she asa nisim l'avoteinu, bayamim ha-hem, bazman ha zeh.)

Even so, things have gone badly over the years, and we append as item 1 above, a declaration of war made long ago in 2005, and salute the comrade now fallen by the wayside. It seems - sob - it was just a publicity gimmick, here and here.

Well I suppose a cheap failed publicity gimmick is in the true spirit of Xmas, but it behooves us all this Xmas to celebrate a pagan ritual or two, and make sure that children come to know and enjoy the real, material spirit of Xmas. Take them shopping, buy them a violent video game or three, take them to an execrable American tentpole release, preferably full of barely subliminal pagan Xmas rituals. You know, Santa versus the Martians, and such like.

Even so, and with all these elaborate preparations, the war on Xmas proceeds slowly, and there's an impending sense of doom in the pond.

Christmas will happen, pointless presents will be exchanged, then exchanged again on Boxing day, this time in store, families will argue, and some people will even attend church, though if they sing 'Jingle Bells' as a family around the Xmas tree, we might find a way to forgive them.

Toujours gai, we battle on, and if we fail, it will be a valiant failure that gives all Xmas warriors much joy. Yep, the war on Xmas is designed to give pleasure to people, and if you have a pleasant Xmas, we will, in a perverse way, have succeeded. If you have an unhappy Christmas, nothing to do with us. We warned you! As my mammy used to say, I told you so. Polish up that 'X', put it where it's needed and it fits, and all will be well.

As for the war on the state ALP government of NSW, that's already won. It's just a matter of waiting out the phoney fighting stage, until armistice day. Last time I looked, the NSW government had a primary vote of 26% and a two party preferred vote of 59-41% (Keneally is just a different jockey on the same horse, NSW heading for a smashing).

Sure it means sharing a position awkwardly the same as Chairman Rupert's minions at the Daily Terror, sure it means being in the same boat as the SMH, sure it means right wing maddies like David Clarke at the helm of state, but then I can say with pride that I voted against locked-in four year terms, and while I don't see any point in adopting the notion of the recall system deployed in California (a state of Gray Davis madness), the fear and loathing is now so deeply imprinted in my DNA, that I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night screaming "won't someone think of the public transport".

It's past the time for logic and rationality. There has to be a blood letting, and the more blood letting the better, to the point where even in their waking dreams, the state ALP can't do a Lady Macbeth and wash off the blood from their many, many sins.

Which of course brings me to Stephen "won't someone think of the children" Conroy. He's enough of a reason to be at war with the federal Australian Labour Party, and I'm pleased to advise that his position on censoring the intertubes has at my last count, already cost the party some ten previously rusted on Labor votes. And that's just the start of the campaign and the family converted to the cause.

Indeed I liked the SMH splash so well announcing and confirming his blithering idiocy, I thought I'd store it here for posterity:

Now there's no going over old turf, and this site has been at war with Conroy for yonks.

Following his latest announcement, the intertubes has already erupted, and you can read all about it in many places. Kevin Rudd wants to filter your internet will get you started, but it's a long time before the legislation will come before into effect, and it will have a tough job getting through the Senate, if you listen to the Greens and others.

You can't of course turn to the conservatives for help. They talk the libertarian talk, but they never walk the walk. When it comes to the crunch, they are always in favour of the nanny state and censorship, and dedicated to the Animal Farm notion that there should be free speech, but some speech should be freer than others, and some speech, which offends them, shouldn't be seen or heard at all. They're as much effete Christmas-loving wretches as Senator Conroy.

So in the spirit of the survivalist movement, here's a handy starter for those who want a walk on the wild side and join the war on the ALP and Senator Conroy:

Boing Boing's Guide to Defeating Censorware.

This advice can help people in Iran, Saudi Arabia, North Korea, China, or Australia.

Meantime, get used to it. Or vote early. And vote often. Especially in relation to the Senate.

Anyhoo, a war isn't much of a war if it isn't official, so here's the official declaration:

"I am speaking to you from loon pond.

This morning the Loon Pond Ambassador handed the Australian Government a final note stating that unless we heard from them by 11.00 a.m. that they were prepared at once to withdraw their plans to censor the intertubes, a state of war would exist between us.

I have to tell you that no such undertaking has been received, and that consequently this site is at war with the federal Australian government.

You can imagine what a bitter blow it is to me that all my long struggle to win freedom of speech has failed. Yet I cannot believe that there is anything more or anything different I could have done and that would have been more successful.

Up to the very last it would have been quite possible to have arranged a peaceful and honourable settlement between Loon Pond and the Australian government, but Senator Conroy would not have it.

He had evidently made up his mind to attack the intertubes whatever happened; and although he now says he has put forward reasonable proposals which were rejected by Loon pond, that is not a true statement.

The proposals were never shown to Loon pond or to other users of the intertubes; and although they were announced in a press release yesterday, Senator Conroy did not wait for others to make comment on them, but ordered his lawyers to begin drafting up laws to arrange for the censorship of the intertubes.

His actions show convincingly that there is no chance of expecting that this man will ever give up his practice of using force to gain his will. He can only be stopped by force, or by voting in the next federal election.

We and other intertubes users are today, in fulfilment of our obligations, going to the aid of intertubes, which is so bravely resisting this wicked and unprovoked attack on her capacity to convey information, and entertainment, and free speech around the world. We have a clear conscience. We have done all that any website could do to establish peace. The situation in which no word given to Senator Stephen Conroy could be trusted, and no people or country on intertubes connection could feel themselves safe has become intolerable.

And now that we have resolved to finish it, I know that you will play your part with calmness and courage.

At such a moment as this the assurances of support that we have received from intertubes users around the world are a source of profound encouragement to us.

Loon pond knows of plans under which it will be possible to carry on the work of the intertubes in the days of stress and strain that may be ahead. But these plans need your help. Learn well about proxies and data havens and anonymity that will allow you to defeat this legislation, should - god forbid - we fail in our endeavours.

You may be taking part in the fighting intertubes forces or as a volunteer in one of the branches of civil intertubes defence. If so you will report for duty in accordance with the instructions you have received.

You may be engaged in work essential to the prosecution of war for the maintenance of the life of the people – in the manufacture of computers, in the devising of programs, in transport, in public utility concerns or in the supply of other necessaries of life. If so, it is of vital importance that you should carry on with your jobs.

Now may God bless you all. May He (or She) defend the right. It is the evil things that we shall be fighting against – brute force, bad faith, injustice, oppression and persecution – and against them I am certain that the right will prevail."

With apologies to Neville Chamberlain, and the people of Britain for treating lightly what was no joking matter, but not to Senator Conroy, because while he's a joke, his actions are no joking matter. And to hell with Godwin's Law, sometimes you've just got to remember that in the old days they burned books, and these days the intertubes is burning ...

(Listen here to Chamberlain, see the original transcript here).