In which the dog botherer saves the day for the pond, and possibly for Malware and certainly the world ...

Well that's one issue done and dusted, thanks to the immortal Pope, with more Pope here ... no need for the pond to brood about a standing, or is that a sitting, joke.

And so to a confession. The pond always fancies itself as being up to date, in the zone, in the moment, standing by for the latest news of a reptile folly from the herpetarium. And invariably a Moorice turns up and it's all over red rover ...

Imagine the pond's shock and horror today, to discover a loon shortage at the lizard Oz. Sure the tree killer edition had all the right angles, soft on crime, BOM a failure, yadda yadda ...

But what was at the top of the digital edition? 

Another triumph for the Donald's diplomacy, and even worse, imported WSJ reptile fodder, when as a devout nationalist, the pond always prefers home grown nativist hay ...

Oh sure, if they don't have a clue about the weather, why isn't Moorice in charge of BOM, but just below that came this double barrel bunger ...

The maiden attacking the middle-aged men who run the lizard Oz? 

Cory being savaged by a cheap musical punk supplier of sentimental tunes?

It wasn't right, it wasn't fair, and worse, it left the pond in a deep hole. 

Nothing to see here, and when the pond wandered over to check out the Speccie, the cupboard was bare. You see, the Terrorists had imported the mean Dean to do a little moonlighting, as their own reptiles lolled about on the holydays ...

It was a dire emergency, a crisis, as lean a crop of reptile produce as the pond has experienced in many a year ...

What could the pond do, but declare an imminent sense of doom, and break the glass?

Well yes, there's always the Donald, but the pond had an even more fiendish and clever solution. Forget about being up to date, forget about the moment and the now. Reach back in time, because truth to tell, the insights offered by the reptiles are timeless, imperishable, glad wrapped with the truth of the ages ...

And so the pond broke the glass and the time barrier ...

Now in its uppity pride the pond had wilfully overlooked the dog botherer's last effort. How wrong it was to do so, how humble it now feels ...

It was another attack on the elites, written by the sort of middle-aged man the maiden was moaning about ...

How could the pond have got it so wrong? How the world yearns for a dog botherer's rant ... explaining just why the pond is grateful if it gets a hundred hits in a day, so salient and relevant is the message to the world in a lizard Oz bottle ...

Indeed, indeed, what has the Donald done wrong so far ... why, he's brought together North and South Korea and they're marching under the one flag and what could be wrong with that? Why the reptiles published some guff from the WSJ is completely beyond the pond ...

Yes, the United States and the world is on a winner with the Donald, and how reassuring it must have been for Rowe to upload this cartoon, with more splendid Rowe here ...

The pond knows it's wrong, but it feels so right, a gobbet of dog botherer and then a shovelling down of cartoons ...

Indeed, indeed, and the noble way that the dog botherer immediately announced he had abandoned his paid duties, and volunteered to head off to do unpaid work for five years frankly moved the pond to tears ... or at least to looking at another cartoon ...

Thank you intern for fetching that cartoon, and now you can fetch a coffee, and while you're at it, feel free to kiss the dog botherer's feet, because the pond doesn't pay for that sort of duty ...

It was everything the pond dreamed about, it was everything the reptiles stood for, a dog botherer in full featherless flight, fancy free and ranting in an unhinged way about anything that crossed his path ... because the onion muncher and the Donald are good for us ... and it's about the facts, and when the facts are mentioned, can a hearty dose of climate science denialism be far away?

And there, lo, as a capper ...

Virtue-signallers ...

The pond has no idea why the dictionaries refused to name that concept as the word pudding of the year ...

Every reptile text pays homage to the notion, and it's fast closing on 'leets as the concept of choice for middle aged men ranting at clouds, or maidens ...

Naturally it had the pond reaching for another cartoon ...

Oh heck, there's only one gobbet of dog botherer to go. Could the pond just have a few more?

And what do you know? By one of those mystifying moments of serendipity, we're back where we started, with the lizards of Oz running a fake news story from a fake news outlet, once again raising fears and concerns in their fake news way ...

Tell 'em dog botherer, stick it to 'em ...tell 'em about North Korea ...

Yes Malware, embrace the inner loon, hug tight the outer loon, it's worked so well for the NBN, and heed the clarion call of the dog botherer ...it works for the pond, it can work for you, because the dog botherer has saved the pond's Thursday ...

And now for a final capper. You see, every late night comic last night was all over it, the matter of the arsehouse, Hatch's glasses and the strange affair of a secretary for homeland defence who apparently didn't have the first clue about Norway ...

For those who missed it, this is the briefest summary of the follies to hand ...