Day 47 of the rapidly ending MUC days, and the pond turns to the reptiles for a copper-powered exclusive ...

As always, the pond is awe struck and full of admiration for the reptiles, especially as the pond knows that in the coming days, as we shift from the MUC era - Malware's Unofficial Calling - to the MOC era - Malware's Official Calling - a bit like the move from BC to AD, or if you insist CE and BEC - we're going to cop a lot more front pages like this ...

Astonishing, gratifying, rewarding stuff, and the EXCLUSIVE doubled-down with the gilt-edged tripe ...

Naturally the pond had to read on, and what a ripping yarn it was ...

Of course there's the real point of the story, the polling being neck and neck and the reptiles "obtaining government documents" ...

Of course the pond several days ago had "obtained" a Business Insider story by the simple expedient of clicking here ...

Yes, it isn't Bill Shorten's nightmare, it's Malware's - and Australia's nightmare, with the heavily out of control, under-budgeted, third rate solution being rolled out, and nary a thought of superior technology because that would hurt Malware's pride ...

The pond is so over the notion of fast, competent broadband in Australia that it let the matter slide, as it did last month's controversy over competition concerns ...

Oligopoly, monopoly, who cares, provided it worked and there was some price restraint.

That's how defeated, stricken, the pond has got.

But lo, suddenly, over the course of a few days, thanks to the alchemical and transmutative and transmogrifying powers of the reptiles - take a bow, David Crowe, what a medieval master of the art of turning gold into lead you are - the crisis facing the NBN is suddenly parked in Bill Shorten's corner ...

Of course, for the rest of the piece, the master alchemist purports to deal with the issues at hand...

... if you understand dealing with the issues fairly is to print a government press release dressed up as an "official government analysis" ... fill the front page with a raging nervous nelly headline and then throw in a note from the opposition in the last par ...

In the official art of arithmetic and reptile scribbling, there's reeling and writhing to begin with, and then there's ambition, distraction, uglification and derision, ...

The reptiles could of course have read a few days ago in a kissing cousin digital site this headline ...

But no, that wouldn't do, not now as we shift into the MOC era, and nor would that story ...

Put it another way. Roll on and keep on rolling out the half-baked, half-arsed, third-rate solution, and when consumers get sniffy and the market thinks it's a dud, stiff the taxpayers a little more to keep on keeping on ... and don't you go worrying about New Technology 10 Times Faster than Existing Technology ... or this ...

“The Government’s decision to change the NBN rollout from an all-fibre network to one that includes … obsolete and second-rate…copper-based technologies, was one of the worst technical decisions in Australia’s history” says Dr Mark Gregory of Melbourne’s RMIT University.

Uh huh ... that must be all Bill Shorten's fault ... at least if you live in delusional la la reptile David Crowe land ...

And now while on the subject of ripping yarn headers and stories, the pond must commend this one ...

The logic was knockdown worthy of the walri man, and while you can get the full yarn at the Graudian here, the pond just had to quote this ...

In federal court documents obtained by Guardian Australia, Hunt denied he failed to consider the impacts of coal on the reef. 
In the outline of submissions filed on behalf of the minister, the Australian government solicitor explains that the minister did not think the burning of the coal “would be a substantial cause of climate change effects” and would have “no impact on matters of national environmental significance”. 
The minister’s reasoning was that whether the burning of the coal would make climate change worse depended on whether it would increase the total amount of coal burned globally. But he notes there are a “raft of factors” that could affect how much coal was burned globally, including whether the coal from the mine displaced other coal and whether it was dealt with within various national emissions targets. 
He concluded that there “was no requisite relationship between combustion emissions and increases in global temperature”. 
Further, the minister argued that since the net impact was “difficult to identify”, there was no need to impose conditions on the mine, such as that climate impacts would be offset.

Meanwhile Canada burns, and the bleaching has got as bad as it gets, bleaching-wise ...

The NBN and climate science ... two reliable examples of a government fully in charge of the situation ...

Which leaves plenty of time to go herd those pesky walri in the deep south ...

Could it get any weirder?

Well there's at least one man who stands alongside the walri man when it comes to climate science, and as always, more Rowe here ...