In which the pond thanks Malcolm Turnbull for his prompt response and makes a great scientific discovery or two ...

(Above: discovered, a $3.80 waif, lost on an airline terminal seat, and the only thing worth looking at a Rowe. Amazing scenes, but you can go online to get more Rowe here, and not rely on what you find at airports).

Dear Malcolm,

what a pleasant and unexpected surprise, but how thoughtful of you to reply to the pond with such alacrity, and better still, through the forum of national television.

Quite frankly, the pond hadn't expected you to bother, but your tremendous display of poncedom was extremely gratifying.


MALCOLM TURNBULL: ....Now, it may be that we do make some, I do make some formal recommendations. It may be that, once the facts are exposed, the conclusions are so obvious the ABC takes it up. I mean, one thing that is perfectly obvious is that the security protocols surrounding the assembling of the Q and A audience have got to be improved.
BARRY CASSIDY: Yeah, but that's a bit exaggerated too. How many hundreds of shopping centres has this guy walked into and exposed himself to thousands of people in that way? How has that been a threat?
MALCOLM TURNBULL: ...you, you...

May the pond intrude here Malcolm? Were you reaching for some words here? Perhaps you, you, fatuous fop, you, you blithering idiot?

BARRY CASSIDY: What is the difference between him going into a shopping centre...
MALCOLM TURNBULL: Are you pulling my leg?

Lordy, lordy, a leg puller! Is there no indignity you might suffer at the hands of these wretches?

BARRY CASSIDY: Well what is the difference between him going into a shopping centre? MALCOLM TURNBULL: After the Martin Place siege, you're saying to me that there is no security issue with putting Zaky Mallah in a live audience with...
BARRY CASSIDY: Well what's the difference between that and Zaky Mallah walking into a shopping centre?
MALCOLM TURNBULL: Well, if you can't see that, Barrie, I'm sorry. I mean, seriously, you've lost the plot there, with all due respect.

Indeed, indeed, and with all due respect Malcolm, you should have immediately pointed out to him that in fact, not only had he lost the plot, but he had missed the point, and worse still, he simply had not the first clue as to the cleverness of attention seeking politicians or come to think of it, terrorists.

A shopping  centre!? Why the obvious target, as we recently learned from the United States, would be a church. Perhaps St. Mary's, or St Andrews, or even Hillsong. Hit the Christians where it hurts them the most.

Or perhaps a movie theatre. There are some good precedents for that, though perhaps waiting for Superman v Batman might be tedious. Why not be post-modern and do it in a dinosaur show?

Why not the Opera House when it's full of patrons? Think of the way Turandot would resonate then ...

How about a railway station at peak hour? There are plenty of precedents for that ...

What about driving up a truck filled with explosives and parking it next to a building full of public servants? You don't have to whistle the tune to Oklahoma to remember that precedent.

Perhaps it might be worthwhile heading off to a gathering of socialists, remembering that Norway provides an excellent example.

I know, I know, all these thoughts rushed through your mind much later, but the best you could come up with was a response so totally lame that you must still be kicking yourself for being the enormously stupid man you are:

This is a high profile audience. It's a very high profile target. This is a fellow that has threatened violence in the past, has been impris- threatened to kill people, gone to jail for it, been involved in, you know, buying ammunition...

So what's he doing on the streets right at the moment, able to walk into a cafe, strut amongst the hipsters and demand a coffee before embarking on a frenzied killing spree? 

How about Bondi beach, there being a most recent and unfortunate precedent for that sort of madness.

You've got an answer for that, haven't you Malcolm?

BARRY CASSIDY: Well why is he walking the streets? Why is walking the streets if that's the case? MALCOLM TURNBULL: Well, because he's served his term of imprisonment and he hasn't committed another offence, but that doesn't mean that you would then consciously and willingly put that person in a very high profile environment on a live television program. I mean, if you think there's no physical security issues with Zaky Mallah in that audience... 

But if he's a problem in the audience, then surely he's a problem everywhere. A church, a beach, a street, a cafe, a cinema, a school, anywhere a number of people gather ...

Or have we entered a logic-free zone designed simply as a scapegoating of the ABC?

BARRY CASSIDY: No, I wasn't saying that; I was just asking for the...
MALCOLM TURNBULL: No, that's exactly what you are saying, and I've just got to say to you, I'm really glad you're not in charge of the physical security of the ABC, Barrie, because the idea that this is a non-issue, I am stunned that you would be so blasé about it.

Which is why the pond is so stunned that you managed to sound so stupid Malcolm, but as the pond noted at the start, it was tremendously gratifying and most unexpected that within the space of a few moments you would degut and publicly expose the intestines of your enormous stupidity and the folly of the paranoid hysteria you and your colleagues have been peddling.

If the man is such a problem in one space, then he's certainly a problem in many others, and you should forget all that jibber jabber about Magna Carta and the rule of law that you and others in your party indulged in over recent weeks, in the most remarkable display of nauseating hypocrisy the pond has seen in many a year, and throw the miscreant in the slammer.

But thanks for the hollow laughter, as you confirmed in some fair style, not only that you're a logic free zone, a man who could easily be led down the garden path by a Godwin Gretch, but you're a facilitator, a ponce, a quisling, and a willing member of the Vichy ...

And what's even more agreeable is the way that it's up on the full to overflowing intertubes here so all may enjoy the spectacle.

Yours in great delight,
you truly reprehensible and foolish man,
The Pond

PS Malcolm, do you want an example of how low, how much in the gutter you are, how much your quisling and Vichy ways leads the Murdoch press into even more deeper levels of depravity and filth?

Did you see this effort in the Murdochian press this morning, with the reptiles in fine loathsome form?

Now the pond has little time for the clap happy Mark Scott, but that's about as loathsome and as stupid as you are Malcolm. Shame on you, you truly reprehensible and foolish man ...

And now, while the pond is still getting back into gear, can we just announce another great discovery made this weekend.

Now the pond has noted in recent weeks some agitation about wind farms and wind turbines and the infra nano red noise that comes from them, and thanks to the great skills of facilitators and quislings like Malcolm Turnbull, there has been talk of a Wind Commissioner being appointed, though really if said commissioner has to look into the wind emitted by Malcolm Turnbull, there's a lifetime's work, just there and then.

Never mind, here's the thing. The pond has discovered, purely by accident, in the manner of most great scientific discoveries, that there is an enormous amount of infra nano red noise to be heard at the seaside, along with a crashing, and a sobbing, and a sighing, and a creeping withdrawal which is as bad as the Constellation aircraft the pond listened to as a child while residing inside Mascot airport.

On and on it went, over and over, at short intervals, one pounding followed by another crashing, and a foaming and a spraying, and the sounds of a dribbling retreat, 24/7, and apparently all year, without end, let, or stop, ceaseless and unendurable.

By the end of the weekend, the pond's nerves were frayed beyond measure, and so the pond urgently demands that the federal government urgently appoint a Wave Commissioner to see if, Canute-like, something can't be done to stop the hideous behaviour of this natural energy.

Bizarrely, the pond was made to understand that some foolish Victorians actually pay a premium, above the odds, to enjoy this experience, and ritually retreat to remote and dangerous locations to willingly expose themselves to the damaging sound - a bit like young folk heading off to a music concert. Which might explain a lot about Victorians.

Now it's not just the bleakness, the utterly alien moonscape that makes up the Victorian coastline. No doubt there are nice places where waves break, ones with a less direct connection to Antarctica, one less intent on affirming climate science is a myth, but this is what the pond experienced, and something needs to be done.

The other great scientific discovery this weekend was that some shameless farmers allow cows to mingle with wind turbines.

Now the pond has nothing against these majestic monuments, but given the recent publicity scares involving them, it occurred to the pond that right that morning, it might have had porridge diluted with Mad Cow Milk!

Think of it, the cows of Gippsland driven insane by wind turbines, and innocents like the pond supping on their Maddened Milk! Full of infra nano red particles!

Or is that logic simply a sign that the pond was driven mad by wave action, or the enormous stupidity of Malcolm Turnbull?

Whatever, here's a few shots of a wind farm in action - native Victorians will know where it is, and what majestic beasts they are, and how surprisingly quiet, except for the infra nano red sounds that sent the cows mad ... (click to enlarge)

And let's also pay tribute to Caravaggio, who inspired Rowe, though the Barbieri at the bottom could also claim some credit:

What joy to be a loon and to be alive in these remarkably silly times.