In which the pond indulges in some ABC bashing with prattling Polonius and our Gracie ...

Before he took a little leave, the prescient Pope noted that it was more than past time for some ABC bashing, even if the rewards seemed to be diminishing … and then came the vote …

Well there's more ABC bashing to be done, but first please allow the pond to do some of its own. Knowing of the pond's fear and loathing for the iPhone, a friend recently supplied the pond with a revitalised Nokia 3310, the old finally having succumbed to age.

Now 'Snake' is in colour, the camera is useless, but there's a radio, and the pond has taken to listening to ABC-FM on a quick lunch-time walk.

This is an astonishing concession for the pond, joining the ear-bud generation, but what did the pond hear? 

Brahms? Brahms is only for late-night listening, with a drop of brandy in the milk before nodding off to sleep like the pond's grandma used to do. And then there was a Liszt piece, with the announcer advising that Brahms had nodded off to sleep while first listening to it. 

Brahms went to sleep? Say no bloody more. The pond sensed it might walk the streets of Newtown in a state of zombie sleep.  Oh sure, there were some Chopin warhorses, but is it possible for ABC-FM to stray into the twentieth century occasionally, with nice vigorous walking music, before the pond must return to suffer on the computer?

No doubt the cardigan wearers wished everyone offered such mild-mannered criticism - play some modern music please, maestro - but this weekend, the reptiles were out and about in force, led by that intrepid warrior who makes Brahms seem like a member of the avant-garde …

Yes, prattling Polonius was on the prowl, with a favourite theme, and the incredible ennui and boredom suffered by Hamlet at the ear-bashing of the original Polonius seemed certain to be cranked up to a Brahmsian 11 …

Of course there'd be a simple solution to Polonius's relentless whining and yammering … don't watch shows that offend.

But he can't help himself. Like any prim wowser or mother Grundy, he actively seeks out offence, he wants to take a fence and the bloody gate too …

Put simply, Catholicism is remarkably silly, not least because Polonius clearly counts himself amongst the cannibals and no doubt lines up to devour his human flesh and blood on a Sunday …

But what's even sillier is the way he takes Charlie Pickering to task, and to use an entertainer delivering entertainment as a way of berating Hamish Macdonald. 

The pond doesn't actually watch Pickering - it's not in the demographic - but is content that there be multiple views of the world and many ways to do comedy, and doing over Catholics has long been a noble way to score a few laughs.

But Poloniu's rage and reluctance to accept this - while insisting on watching the ABC 24/7 to spot errors and generally lather himself up in to a foaming frenzy - causes the pond to ask if there's something in the genetic make-up of Catholics that makes them (a) watch the ABC so that they can experience martyrdom and (b) defend the indefensible, which is the right of the Catholic church to support and indulge law-breakers.

Forget serial sex and child abusers, still in protected abundance in the church, because talk of them is overly inclined to set off the sensitive Polonius … what about a murderer fronting the confessional?

Well no, that's also subject to the usual blather, as here, and so a killer can confess, and walk away, and to that, the pond says fuck that for a joke …front a priest, absolve your sins, and head off to paradise, without regard to society or the one that's dead? Who invented this sort of horse shit, because you won't find it detailed in the bible ...

Truth to tell, it seems Charlie didn't go in hard enough … but let's get back to Polonius, there's more corpse-laden wafer to be munched ...

Actually, it's not an outrageous claim. The Catholic church demonstrably has protected predators and did it in God's name, and a rather important figure in the Catholic church is currently facing the prospect of doing some time for precisely doing that very crime …

But all this was known, and throughout the entirety of the Royal Commission, Polonius has fought a rear-guard action of the most desperate and pathetic kind … and he's still fighting to protect the church protecting its own ...

The convoluted, contorted logic on display in those last few pars at least explains why Polonius is a sucker for human flesh wafers and blood-saturated wine … but rather than argue, the pond must move on, because our Gracie was also a part of the lizard Oz ABC-hunting pack and she came up with a doozy ...

Actually if the pond might be so bold, there's many ways of viewing the world.

As we've pre-empted a meditative Sunday, might the pond just note that there's the Catholic way of viewing the world, the evangelical, the angry Sydney Anglican, the Hindu, the Islamic, the Scientological, and the secular, and of course there's prattling Polonius's extremely bizarre way of viewing the world …

Yes,, there's many ways of viewing the world, and then there's our Gracie's view, and when you get your premise so totally fucked, there's an even worse step to avoid.

Don't do comedy, please don't attempt to do a Charlie Pickering … 

Oh whatever you do, don't attempt to be funny. Be dour and humourless like Polonius, it's the reptile way ...because if there's one thing the pond has noted, the lizards of Oz are tone-deaf to humour, and our Gracie has never shown any sign of being funny, except in an un-aware, un-self-conscious way, the way that the pond finds all of the reptiles screamingly funny on a daily tone-deaf, pompous basis ...

Oh fucketty-fuck, it's so leaden, it's so tragic, the pond doesn't know where to begin. It's excruciating, like finding a toxic onion trying to generate laughs, and instead coming up with an abundant silliness …

Please, don't go on, please don't drag climate science into it, please don't sound like a monstrously silly twit. If you won't think of yourself, think of the children, think of the planet, think of anything … maybe even think of getting in a good comedy writing team so you can end up with a few zingers ...

Well, the pond considers Polonius exceptionally lucky this weekend. 

Usually his comedy stylings would be enough to keep the pond entertained for the day, but our Gracie managed such an enormously stupid attempt at comedy that it completely washed Polonius from the pond's mind …

It was around the time of the 'get off my lawn' routine that the pond realised that season 28 of The Simpsons probably had more laughs …not that the pond can be sure, because unlike Polonius, if it loses interest in a show, it turns it off ...

And now for a little humble plea to our Gracie … please, don't attempt it again, please leave comedy who those who make comedy their business and who are good at it … all you've confirmed is that if the reptiles were let near ABC programming, the entire network would be off the air within a year. Maybe that's what you want, but then how would the pond sleep-walk listening to Brahms?

And that's why the pond leaves its comedy stylings to the immortal Pope, who has returned once more to bestow his papal blessings and his comedy stylings on the world, with more papal insights always available here …

Now that's funny, and, it should be added, that's another way of viewing the world …