In which the pond arranges a bigly, hugely reptile smack down ...

The pond likes to kick back and relax on the weekend, and the moment it saw these splashes it knew it was on easy street.

They've banned good entertainments like cock-fighting, bear-baiting and pit bull fights, but they haven't yet stopped the entrancing sight of reptiles going hard at it with each other … and predictably enough, the Donald was the prime bit of meat that set the dog botherer and the bromancer off  …

All the pond had to do was report on the fight … and with the dog botherer at a slight disadvantage, being the dumbest reptile in the pound, the pond decided to let him have first go …

The pond should have warned stray readers that this wasn't going to be a snappy game, over quickly. This was more like a game of cricket or baseball, or even worse, a game of gridiron, with many interruptions, commercials and stoppages.

But it's clear enough already where the dog botherer is heading, imagining that he's battling the likes of De Niro, when actually the bromancer is patiently waiting for his turn ...

Yes, and it's easy enough to see why the Donald appeals to the dog botherer, who rarely thinks before he scribbles - indeed, he shows no sign of being able to think - and pays no heed to the bromancer, about to step into the ring after this last gobbet ...

Okay, the dog botherer had his go … here's a cartoon for a refresher because the game's not even half way done …

Now please welcome the bromancer into the ring. Have at the dog botherer, bromancer, go him, sic him good ...

Oh that's kind and cunning of the bromancer, tossing an appeasing bon mot to the dog botherer, "Overall, Trump has been a better president than I thought he would be", and so on and so forth …

But is playing the appeaser a little too obvious? Is the bromancer actually a tad unhappy? Was he just playing dead, doing a bit of 'rope-a-dope' with a first-class dope?

Will he now go the Donald, and so goad the dog botherer into a heavy fall?

Hmm, the bromancer is starting to sound a bit De Niro-ish, and the dog botherer is starting to wobble. 

And now an insult that's designed to set the dog botherer reeling … think of something much more insulting than "fuck the Donald." 

It might be hard for some, but it's easy for an expert grappler like the bromancer ...

The Donald is like Barack Obama! 

That's way worse than a "fuck" and yet, watch out, here it comes, a haymaker from the heavens, a coat hanger with a clenched fist ...

Now before the pond turns to the judges for their score cards, here's a couple of cartoons …

Hang on, hang on, what's this?

Who's this looming up on the outside, and never mind the muddy track is heavy going?

Sheesh, it's nattering "Ned", and even worse, it seems that the lizard Oz, has gone full ABC and joined the PC-dominated Hollywood media …

And here's the pond involved in arranging one of those phoney wrestling matches, this time a three-way … you know the sort …

There was simply no way to keep "Ned" out of the ring.

He had to be allowed in to raise hell … oh sure, there'd be a heavy price to pay, because "Ned" has always been reluctant to leave.

The game would go on for days, people would drop like flies from the terminal boredom, and the few brave souls who lasted the distance would be astonished to know that the pond could invoke the revered names of Trevor Bailey and Bill Lawry - well they were revered by the pond's father as twin pillars of tedium, but specialist reptile fight lovers would be in PC-brainwashed heaven …

Play on duffy McNed, the pond knows it's unfair to tag team "Ned" and bromancer v. dog botherer, but if at the end of the stomping, the dog botherer emerges looking like a battered, bruised twit, fed on a form-sapping diet of Fox and Friends, so be it ...

By golly, it's beginning to seem a tad unfair, as if the pond had used weighted die, tilted then wheel and stacked the table against the dog botherer. If anyone can bore an opponent into submission, nattering "Ned" is the man ...

By golly "Ned" is in exceptional form. It's still going to be yonks before the pond can consult the judges' scorecards … and indeed the pond has noticed a couple of the judges deep asleep. 

That's what "Ned" nattering about the Donald and the end of the known western world can do to even the most dedicated reptile fight fan ...

Around this point, the pond began to sense that the dog botherer might have been mis-matched. He was always a lightweight, and when "Ned" delivers a clever line like "Get it?", the dog botherer looks like a stupefied dummy … because he never "gets it"… and there's still another huge gobbet of gettable "Ned" to go ...

Phew, it was over, an epic fight, though the pond will think long and hard before trying to stage another one.

It's true that "Ned" showed an enormous capacity for stupidity - as in "The Donald is not familiar with the totalitarian mind" - but by the end, with brains pickled and eyes glazed, no one was noticing ...

The damage to the readership, let alone the world, was too painful to watch, and to tell the truth the pond nodded off in the first round, and hired a stand-in to type up a bogus commentary.

But now, prodded awake, the pond went looking for the judges' scorecard …

And what do you know, they ruled all three contestants out of the contest because none of them had mentioned in a meaningful way key features of the Donald's game plan, or shown any skill or awareness in discussing these parts of the game …

Even worse, the moment they'd stepped out of the ring to brawl amongst themselves, they'd been disqualified …

And there the pond had to let the game metaphor rest.

Talk about a shaggy dog story, with the judges shocked and disdainful that it had to be left to a couple of cartoonists to mention some mighty, weighty matters none of the reptiles had thought worthy of including in their fight ...

And that brings proceedings to a close … thank you ball boys, thank you linesmen, and don't bother thanking women, because once again, they've been left out of the game ...