In which the pond is shocked by reptile values, thanks to the Crowe and the Terror ...

The pond couldn't resist featuring the immortal Pope at the top of the page this day, as it takes a slow meander through reptile values, with more immortal Pope here ...

There's something about those demonic eyes, the flapping ears, and the pitiful squawking parrot being fed on Papple, that makes all that follows redundant ... or at least adds to the humour of the proceedings ...

Yes, because putting Chairman Rudd in charge of foreign affairs ensured those dalliances worked out tremendously well for Julia Gillard. How to explain it to the senile one as he ekes out his last years in the Murdochian sun?

There will be no peace, at least until Malware stabs himself in the eye with an HB pencil ... or the onion muncher does it to him ...

Moving right along, the pond was gratified to see that its suggestion to the relevant minister that the Productivity Commission's best work was ahead of it, provided that it be shifted lock, stock and barrel to Narrabri, had quickly paid dividends...

Moving right along, the pathetic parrot turned up on 7.30 to make a fool of himself - anyone can get a parrot to say a few lines, the trick is to get the parrot to say the lines with some emotional conviction and credibility ...

But the pond wasn't interested in Australian values, so much as reptile values, the values that are at the heart of the nation, or at least at the heart of a failing, flailing business model.

What did the reptiles make of all this values-laden chatter? Had Malware scored a goal at last? Or was he still in reptile gaol?

Well the Oz editorialist came through, as the rag always does ...

But there was Kudelka mocking away ...

And there at the top of the reptiles values section of the rag, things weren't so grand, as the Crowe was given the job of pecking the eyes out of Malware's policies ... (oh please, think of the baby lambs before sending them up to the back paddock) ...

Malware a populist? The ponce of the eastern suburbs silvertails a populist? The idea was completely preposterous, actually it seems he's much more of a Judy ...

The pond had to race off to check a real Punch and Judy show just to make sure ...

Yep, there's Judy on the left, and there's Punch, representing reptile values, on the right ...

Now the pond always pays attention to gender equality, and related issues, so isn't it grand that the reptiles have chosen to show Malware as a gormless Judy? What on earth did it mean?

Dispirited! The reptiles are dispirited, and the unions have won, and even worse, possibly the greenies, and where's the reptiles' values now?

So much glumness. Where's the positive, high-stepping enthusiasm for the debate, for an endless miasmic wander down the rabbit hole in quest of Australian values, which have always included kicking the shit out of the latest bunch of arrivals to these fair shores?

Now it might occur to the stray reader that this is exactly the sort of stuff that might be read in the Graudian, or in Fairfax or see on the ABC, but truth to tell, the Graudian has its own comedy items this day ...

What a gormless twit, and then there was this ...

... from what the pond can decipher, in that story, it seems that the nitpicker believes that Malware and Tony Nutt personally organised and carried out the polling of 400 people - no one else knew anything - and thanks to their fearless solitary difficult polling work, they discovered that the onion muncher was perceived as a dropkick loser. No one else knew of this intense work or its outcome - which saw the valiant Malware trying to save the dropkick loser's political hide ...

But enough of fairy tales from inside the wide-eyed squawking cage, because the pond almost forgot to finish off with a final round of lambs' eyes, thanks to the Crowe ...

With the greatest will in the world, the pond has to mark that Crowe piece as a negative for the Malare ...

But the Crowe wasn't finished there, as he turned to the enormous task of sounding like Leigh Sales ...

Referencing a speech Mr Turnbull gave on multiculturalism in February, host Leigh Sales asked: "what's changed in the 10 weeks since then, other than your growing need to shore up your political stocks?". Mr Turnbull dismissed the question as cynical, adding that the vast majority of Australians were pleased to see politicians "standing up for Australian values". (here)

Cynical?

Cue the cynical Crowe cawing at the dinkum values corn being proffered by the parrot ...

It is the reptiles that set up this cycle, with the easy device of a regular poll providing a chance of headlines and a boost to the failing business model ... and now, when Malware cynically tries to game the system, it seems the reptiles get agitated ...

It's government by polling, reptile values at their finest, but somehow the Crowe is agitated by the deep cynicism and the shameless obviousness of the pathetic pollie... and refuses to give Malware a cracker ...

Say what? There is no proof ... the 'values test' is problematic ... and so on and so forth and etcetera???

Dear sweet long absent lord, has Malware managed to turn the cawing Crowe into a writer for Fairfax or the Graudian? Is this how dinkum Aussie values will defile dinkum reptile values?

Across the board, the reptile response has been luke warm ... oh sure the Terrorists dragged Sharri from out of the closet to sound as positive as she could...

But just look at the big splash ...

Barners in a hat that hasn't seen a single day's hard work? Oh who's a pretty boy, who's a pretty boy ...

It should have reassured the Productivity Commission ... they'll be able to dress up in finery and enjoy themselves in their new office in Boggabri ... (and if that doesn't work out, there's always Quirindi)...

Sharri did her best to explain why Malware was doing everything for needful reasons ...

Horrified? At this ...?

The useless futtock fully trusts the judgement of the Donald ...

The illustration accompanying Sharri said it all about the latest foray into mindless parrot land ...

Never mind the mutton Dutton setting the pace ... and staking out new turf ...

There's just one problem with that illustration. 

It's the snag on the fork ... we all know that only recently the pathetic parrot revealed he was deeply un-Australian and didn't have the first fucking clue about the important Australian value of bringing on an early heart attack with sausage fat ...

Turned down a sausage sandwich? Ship him back to ponce la la land ...

Never mind, Sharri did her best to spin Malware's new persona as best she could, and pushing the mutton Dutton to even greater glory, but lo, there at the end of the gobbet came the demented visage of the onion muncher, once more popping into the story ...

Well there's a lot more vapid Sharri, but the pond had lost its heart for the game ...

If this sort of negative Crowe eye-pecking and tepid Sharri chit chat is the best that Malware's strident call to discuss dinkum values can muster, then it's a flop of the first water, most likely because everyone already knows he's a sausage-ducking fraud and a phoney ...

And there in all innocence, embedded in Sharri's piece, came the ultimate hoppy toad: Malcolm Turnbull's method of dealing with Pauline Hanson and the onion muncher is to virtually adopt their policy positions ...

In the old days, it used to be called cribbing ... and naturally the immortal Rowe was on top of it, showing the cribber in action, with more immortal Rowe here ...

Maybe it's time to move back to Armidale? Oops, APVMA boss Kareena Arthyr to leave agency before Armidale move ...

What a hopeless, useless crib he is, as his minions run wild and fuck over and fuck up the government as they please, and he runs up parrot tales of dinkum values ... and provide BBQ stopper conversations ... along the lines that sausages are terrible ...