Monday, April 24, 2017

There are days when the pond simply can't cope ... there are simply too many riches, too many temptations ...

Look at the line up of reptiles this day, a galaxy of stars which sees the Order of Lenin hunter turned great white shark hunter, but such is the strength of the competition, he's forced to lurk at the bottom of the list. A few bars of John Williams shark music, if you please maestro, so that he might make his way up the page ...

Then there's the lesser Akker Dakker explaining the onion muncher is a man of peace, and Creighton embracing his inner Donald, and Gra Gra sticking up for Coatsie - well, the Olympic Games is such a fine example of clean competitive sports - and guest star Chavura returns to bash multiculturalism. Hmm, in the good old days in Tamworth, somebody would have noted that "Chavura" sounded pretty wog and wondered where the wog had come from ...after all, what's the use of a decent Anglo-Celtic culture if you're not allowed to spot a wog at a hundred paces?

Given this line up, the pond was shocked and disappointed to see that it had even been able to include a mention of the Oz editorialist's variant on "all the way with LBJ", though the slogan ran a little longer in these complex times: 

"all the way with an evolution denying, climate science refusenik, Christian fundamentalist, can't dine with a woman alone lest I turn into a Don Juan or ravaging rapist Mike Pence ..."

Confronted with such a rich array of challengers might seem perverse for the pond to stick with old favourite the Oreo.

But the pond was deeply traumatised last week when the Oreo suddenly disappeared and the pond had to check its navel and think on deep questions regarding immortality and whither Judeo-Christian western white civilisation if there was no Oreo around to protect and celebrate it ...

Besides, the pond has a special love of columns which are headed "must" and "mustn't", as in Callick's "mustn't silence criticism" and the Oreo's "superpowers must agree."

It reminds the pond of its own favourite effort, "Donald Trump must change his ways", a powerful column with immediate results, since the Donald now changes his ways, his policies, his attitudes and his election promises at least four times an hour.

The pond is still waiting on discernible results from its piece "Vlad the impaler Putin must resign today", while apparently Kim Jong-un has yet to read the pond's excellent advice,  "Kim Jong-un must accept a gig with Kath and Kim, because a Logie must be awarded to a freshened-up act ..."

Sadly, it turned out in the google splash that the Oreo wasn't delivering quite the "must" column that automatically becomes a "must read" ...

Hang on, hang on, Team America? The Oreo takes puppets seriously?

Dear sweet long absent lord, who knows where that might lead?

But enough with the tease, it's on with the Oreo instructing Vlad the impaler and X-man Xi on what they must do ...

Now it has to be said that the pond thinks the Oreo's week off has done her no good, and perhaps might have done irreparable harm. She must never ever take a holiday again, and leave the pond alone to contemplate a threatening universe!

There is, for example, not a single mention of Judeo-Christian civilisation being under threat from North Korean nukes in this first gobbet ...that's a bit like reading the bible and not coming across Jehovah. Hence forth, the Oreo must make mention of Judeo-Christian civilisation in every column ... the pond has a warm lettuce leaf at the ready.

The resolute refusal to use "the hermit kingdom" must also be counted as against the Oreo's usual strength, the impeccable cliché ... the Oreo must be grateful for her love of cliché, and she must keep them handy, and she must trot them out ...

The pond began to get a glum sense that the Oreo had changed. It was like munching on a healthy low fat, low carbs, low sugar Oreo ...

Thirty per cent less than an original Oreo? Truly terrifying and grim, putting talk of a nuke strike into solemn perspective ...

The Oreo must improve, and the pond's only hope was that she must insist that China and Russia must do what she says, because the pond routinely advises the Kremlin and Zhongnanhai that they must read the Oreo and they must do what she says ... or else!

Or else the pond must release Dame Slap and must turn her on them, and then needs must, they'll be sorry ...

Phew, that's a relief, the Donald, the X-man, and Vlad the impaler must do as Oreo has instructed and must sort things out, preferably by close of business tomorrow.

What a relief that the Donald has discovered the location of his fleet ... and that the US, or perhaps a veritable armada headed by the nuke-powered USS Carl Vinson, is steaming north to denuclearise the Korean Peninsuala lickety-split. Remember, they must do what the Oreo has demanded.

Unfortunately, the Oreo didn't quite explain how all this must be done, it seems it must have something to do with hard power, but somehow the Oreo drew back from a description of what hard power meant and what must be done with it...

Would the Oreo flinch when what she means to say is that the North Koreans must be nuked and this must be done quickly because hard power sometimes wilts and shrinks? (except of course in puppet land when Team America get it on).

Never mind, done and dusted it must be, because the Oreo has spoken ... or at least written ...and things must happen, whatever they must be ...

And now in the interval before all-out war breaks out on the Korean peninsula, please allow the pond to share a joke from the excellent David Rowe, who seems to have taken something of a set against the mutton Dutton, with more excellent Rowe here ...

The pond shed a tear at the way the mutton Dutton had become part of the great dinkum Oz values tradition ... more people must do it, and the mutton Dutton must show the way!



  1. "...David Rowe, who seems to have taken something of a set against the mutton Dutton"

    The Oreo must tell Rowe that he must keep it up !

  2. I admire how you have the strength to read the tripe written by these clowns from Murdoch country.

    1. Well you gotta remember that DP has been doing this for many years now and it's kinda like taking a little bit of cyanide every day and thus building up a large degree of tolerance for it - an amount that would wipe out a whole pit of vipers only causes DP to have a slightly bilious view of Life, The Universe, And Everything.

  3. I can't wait.

    The battle of the weird haircuts.

    The Don's orange aura vs. Jong-un's own style atrocity.



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