In which the pond rises to the Canavan challenge ...

That cartoon's just to start off with a tip of the hat to the latest developments in Donald land, what with porn stars, conspiracy theory lawyers and trade wars all the go … but this being TGIF lunch-time, it's the pond's habit to kick off its heels, and relax with the Speccie mob …

From the get go, it has to be said that it's a disappointing week.

There's no Flinty and no Giles, and so a little bit of magic wend out of the end of week celebrations.

Oh sure there's Andrew L. Urban parroting what he read in the lizard Oz about the "weakening of the West", showing he'd learnt a thing about the weakening of des Volkes ... and incidentally demonstrating how a lifetime of movie watching can dangerously weaken the mind (a condition the pond knows only too well).

But all in all, what with the Caterists in disgrace and the major stars on the sideline, it's a feeble effort.

The pond did think of taking up a Western Australian legal eagle's pious arguments about how Catholics should be given the right to keep on abusing poofters, but there was a feeling of having been there and done that, and instead the pond decided on taking the Canavan challenge …

This isn't as easy as it sounds, and it goes without saying that the top player in the Canavan competition, the most adept at the Canavan challenge, is the Canavan himself …

Aficionados of extreme sports will recognise that this is closely associated with the bromancer challenge, a herculean battle not to mention the Donald when talking of Russia or staff changes or lawyer changes or the world economy or whatever … and if he is mentioned, how to find an ounce of light and hope in a pound of darkness and despair.

Here's the Canavan challenge … to write about the future, and to celebrate coal, without mentioning climate science, climate change, or anything problematic about world resources …

It's tough, but trust Canavan to show how the game can be played …jousters, please enter the ring ...

Now this Canavan is a star, as any brief perusal of his parliamentary record would reveal …

Note the ease of that opening gambit.

Technically minded folk might immediately quibble that he's hinted at climate science with his reference to "big, loud things that emit a lot of, in some people's views, dangerous pollutants."

But see the astute evasion … "in some people's views". 

No thought of climate scientists there, just an an amorphous rabble of "some people".

And that reference to dangerous pollutants immediately sends some people haring off back to memories of masturbation, or perhaps to the good old days of "smog" in industrial Britain …perhaps even the great smog of London in 1952 …or they might move on to discussing smog in China …or air pollution in India …or the importance of removing trees from the Amazon or the intrinsic benefits of burning off in Indonesia …

It's perfectly within the rules to use these techniques before marvelling at the way the world will keep growing exponentially with ever more resources deployed to produce ever more goods for an ever more burgeoning population … so that coal can be presented as the saviour and redeemer, the salvation of the planet … a cornucopia of coal for the continuation of endless consumption, the Bolton in his infinite wisdom allowing …

Note the subtlety of the Canavan technique. By suggesting that the best way to predict tomorrow is by reverting to what happened yesterday, he sends dozens of amateurs off into the thickets of meaning, wondering if he means that we can soon look forward to World War III or perhaps a new Holocaust, or any of the other big events of yesterday …

Others immediately begin to argue amongst themselves whether it was George Santayana that wrote "those who cannot remember the past are doomed to repeat it", and whether this meant "those who fail to learn from the mistakes of their predecessors are destined to repeat them."

This is what elevates the Canavan to a master. This sort of cunning, if idle distraction, has already seen most people forget climate science completely.

Sure the theory of climate science cranked up speed way back when in late Victorian times , thereby fitting into the idea of what happened yesterday, but the cleverness of the Canavan is in the wording.

"What will happen tomorrow" is about happenings … it has nothing to do with the thinking of yesterday … and certainly not today …and who knows or cares what will be thought tomorrow …

Coal delivered the goods in the past, and coal will deliver the goods in the future, and there's an end of it, and there's a champion set of blinkers offered as first prize for winners of the Canavan game ...

Now there are doubtless a few spectators watching from the sidelines - as Canavan effortlessly performs his pirouettes - who are shrieking for a technical foul.

What is this talk of "the opponents of fossil fuels", and why mention "higher carbon emissions" if the aim of the game is to avoid mentioning climate science?

But this is actually the highest form of the art. Who knows why there are mindless opponents of dinkum high quality Aussie fossil fuels, oi, oi, oi? They're just nameless opponents. They might be greenies, they might be mugwumps, or they might be climate scientists reduced to meaningless entities indulging in nattering negativity as "opponents". If a climate scientist isn't named, do they exist in the shrinking forest and can they be heard above the loud noise of the clapping Canavan?

As for carbon emissions being seen as a bad thing, this skates a little closer to the mark, but in the cleverest of ways. Why should anyone care a whit or a jot about higher carbon emissions? Why might this be a poorer outcome for the environment?

Who knows, who cares!? The important thing is that climate science isn't named or mentioned.

These alleged poorer outcomes don't necessarily have anything to do with climate science or global warming … it might just as easily mean Beijing smog, or Indian pollution, or perhaps the giant chill predicted by Moorice himself …

Whatever it is, coal is the cure, coal is the solution, coal is the future, coal will fix everything that ails you and a troubled world.

And now you seem what a rank amateur you are up against the master. Now you realise why that idle talk of ancient industrial times was up there with a fool's mate move ... 

And now for the final rhetorical flourish, which will clear people off the court in a game, set and match flourish.

And damn sure there's no way that climate science is going to cast a shadow over Canavan in full snake oil salesman, boosterist, huckster mode as he enters the straight and races to collect his blinkers ...

Yes, common sense says there's no point mentioning climate science or giving a passing thought to climate scientists.

And there you have it, dinkum Oz coal, oi, oi, oi, and not a skerrick of concern about climate science, and the only wonder is why it was the Speccie mob that was blessed with this marvellous exercise in logical thinking and forward planning, when really it should have turned up in the lizard Oz.

Are the reptiles losing their grip?

Can't they play the Canavan challenge?

Never mind, remember that writing things in caps is speaking in the native tongue of the Donald, it's a comforting thought that DO NOT MENTION CLIMATE SCIENCE is just one of the things you might find on his table …