In which the onion muncher stretches out his arms in hope of a fine morning ...

The pond couldn't help … it was transfixed, a deer in the headlights of a hideous photo more shocking than Stormy coupling with the Donald …

The first thought was that the pond should launch a competition for the most nauseating photo of the year … but then it was reminded of those wise words that Scott Fitzgerald once wrote about the onion muncher …

"Tony believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that's no matter - tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms further … kiss more babies … even kiss Pauline … and one fine morning … Malware will be gone and the prince will ascend the throne occupied by the vile hunchback-deformed pretender, King Turnbull of the harbour side mansion …"

Perhaps best stick to the photo comp because there's another competitor ...

Of course the onion muncher has form in this holding things up to the camera routine, while looking like a prime goose ...

 

It was weird enough when he kept doing it for himself, but doing it for Hanson ...

 

… is there nothing this gollum won't do to regain the ring? 

Does anybody still wonder why politicians are regarded as venal and unscrupulous, and willing to form any kind of unholy alliance on the basis that the enemy of my enemy might come in handy?

The pond was transfixed, of course it had to read on. Sure the Caterists attract the hits, but this was the onion muncher. Attention must be paid …

Ah yes, dinkum clean coal, that will resonate with the lizards of Oz, and the terrible Islamics of course (sssh, not a word about bigoted Catholic extremists), and the only shame is that he didn't slip in a mention of the South African farmers, but to be fair, he did put on record that a vote for Pauline Hanson was a vote for the like-minded Liberal party of white nationalists, striving to restore truth and justice for a suffering white world ...

Famously? Is that the way that the reptiles spell "infamously, ingloriously, shamelessly, shockingly and deviously"?

What's that, a little fussing and feuding in the past, and the onion muncher employed the most wretched tactics and slush fund antics to lock her up, lock her up, and now all is forgiven and it's all kiss kiss, and forgiven and here, why not buy the book?

And what's that talk of being better the second time round, with its deviant echo of sexual perversion?

The pond takes it back. It mentioned the Gollum a little earlier, but that's clearly defamatory of the hapless Gollum, who managed a smidgin more integrity …

Hanson's too dumb to see what drives the black heart, but oh how slimy and treacherous and devious he is … how Iago would admire his works ...

Oh sweet long absent lord, did he dare to drag Nelson Mandela into it?

Sweet lost Jesus, he's completely shameless. Did the pond defame Iago too?

Even Iago would cringe from this sort of shamelessness ...

Well there we go, the pond had to keep that photo in at the end of the story, to maintain the complete picture, and to induce another bout of nausea of the kind Colbert experiences when imagining the Donald in the act of coupling …

But the onion muncher wasn't finished, and the reptiles were wildly excited, and felt the urgent need to update the dinkum clean Oz coal, oi, oi, oi, which Brownie had originally put up yesterday …

MID, and mentioned in the party room … is there no greater glory than this for a coal-loving reptile?

The rest of the story was as previously featured on the pond, but look, see how it's started, with the onion muncher and the priapic one rabbiting on about coal and prodding and poking at the pretender as they dream that they'll run faster, and stretch out their arms further, and one fine morning ...

Meanwhile, speaking of orgastic futures … as we are borne back ceaselessly into the past ...

Full story here, outside the paywall at time of writing, where it's explained the survey was never completed, and cross their hearts and hope to die, it's all going to go on wages, because there's pie in the sky bye and bye …

Is it any wonder that our Tony beats on against the current, borne ceaselessly back into the past, hoping against hope that one fine morning he will wake … and out of the latest wreck will come the ultimate redemption … and what a fine wreck it is, as observed by Pope, with more Pope here …