Wednesday, February 21, 2018

In which nattering "Ned" goes too far for talk of him merely shouting at clouds ...

The pond woke up to the garbled sounds of the ABC, assuring the pond that Barners had moved off the front pages, and there was catastrophic news about the right to lose money on the nags, fair and square …

The pond's first thought was to cry "Barners, why hast thou forsaken us? Is your squabble with the sandgropers the last Barners' news for the week?"

How foolish of the pond to listen to the ABC … an organisation which has degutted the world at noon, while simultaneously offering switch-off blather about human resource activities in companies …oh RN isn't the station it once was ...

You see, over at the lizard Oz, the Barners' industry continues apace, and as usual, nattering "Ned" is on the case, and in his usual way, "Ned" has produced an apocalyptic crisis from Barners' bonking …

It's the business of "Ned" to discern the end of the world in a grain of sand … but this time he goes over the hill and far away, so that the pond's usual talk of him shouting at clouds - perhaps with a Simpsons cartoon - simply isn't up to the job.

In his spare time, the pond suspects "Ned" pours over endless charts and graphs to discover the end times and the conservative rapture …

And so to the revelation of the day, and nattering "Ned's" shocking discovery of the crisis in conservatism …

The pond makes no apology for going to nattering "Ned" first, for he is indeed first amongst the reptiles… where else is it possible to read about Barners' as a Shakespearian tragedy?

Some might think it's just a rather traditional and typical Tamworth yarn.

A rustic lad, following outmoded practices approved by Rome, indulges in a bonk without proper protection, and scores a bub… so it's gone since the town began, and so it will continue ...

Not so for Ned, with his chatter of the artificial, enticing world of power ...

...He would be kept deputy PM: 
How that might change his nature, there's the question. 
It is the bright day that brings forth the adder; 
And that craves wary walking. Keep him deputy PM?--that;-- 
And then, I grant, we put a sting in him, 
That at his will he may do danger with. 
The abuse of greatness is, when it disjoins 
Remorse from power: and, to speak truth of Barners, 
I have not known when his affections sway'd 
More than his reason. 
Apart from one magic Tamworth moment
But 'tis a common proof, 
That lowliness is young ambition's ladder, 
Whereto the climber-upward turns his face; 
But when he once attains the upmost round. 
He then unto the ladder turns his back, 
Looks in the clouds, scorning the base Tamworthian degrees 
By which he did ascend. So Barners may. 
Then, lest he may, prevent. And, since the quarrel 
Will bear no colour for the thing he is, 
Fashion it thus; that what he is, augmented, 
Would run to these and these extremities: 
And therefore think him as a serpent's egg 
Which, hatch'd, would, as his kind, grow mischievous, 
And kill him in the shell.

Or some such thing. Beware the ides of March.

The parallels with Julius Caesar are so enormous the pond has in the past hesitated to mention them, but thanks to nattering "Ned" it is at last out in the open …

And now to killing him in the shell, or at least at the clambake …

Oh the hand-wringing, oh the fear, oh the crisis, as the onion muncher and Barners and other rough beasts slouch towards Canberra …and only "Ned" is on hand to note the hydra-headed populist monster ...

Now the pond can sense a few sceptics might just be muttering "Barners is a typically Tamworthian naughty boy … don't get your knickers in a knot … there's plenty more where he came from", but when he's on a portentous roll about doom and gloom and signs and portents and omens, there's no stopping "Ned", always ready to go the full chicken little ...

Dear sweet long absent lord, does anyone at the lizard Oz ever suggest that "Ned" destroy his kidneys in a traditional Australian way?


Momentous cultural shifts?

The cult of victimisation? Now Barners is a victim for giving it a good Tamworth go?

The progressive vanguard? Because teachers and priests are certainly not in a power imbalance.

Etc, etc, and endlessly etc?

Routinely "Ned's" seemingly infinite capacity for hysteria reduces the pond to a state of numbed silence. Or perhaps a single ejaculation.

Sheesh …

Well for those who don't want to risk a kidney, the pond suggests a daily dose of papal wisdom, with a regular supply of a tablet a day available here


  1. Neddles "Conservatives these days excel at drum beating, making a lot of noise, writing articles and losing every substantial battle. They are fragmented, intellectually confused and strategically inept."

    Oh Neddy, you got that one totally right ! Even DP couldn't have said it better.

    1. I thought of Nattering Ned some time back when travelling through Western Victoria. 'Twas there, entering Merino (though it might've been neighbouring town Digby) that there was a large signpost directing anyone to "Town Bore".

      I quickly imagined someone old codger perched on a bench with a few stubbies boring the living daylights out of anyone in the vicinity. For a brief moment I hoped that perhaps Ned had retired to this abode to pass away the time in between working on his epic essays. Alas, it was only a pump and tank connected to a bore but capable of providing a good supply for any passing tanker.

      The thought keeps coming back to me that perhaps Merino is missing a tourist promotional opportunity to have an annual Town Bore competition and festival. It could attract many entrants from near and far, in much the same way as Darwin used to have a Tall Tales competition until Frank Hardy kept winning it relentlessly.

      Could not Merino do the same? Maybe Ned might provide unfair competition, but he could be invited along as special guest judge, with the opportunity of a long speech at the end just to wind up proceedings.

      What do you think? Am I on a winner with this idea?

  2. Dorothy may, pace Ned, see parallels with Divius Iulius, but I think a more recent member of the great and not-so-good is better - George IV, perhaps better known from his time as Regent for his loopy father.

    Set aside his wife (forfeiting what little affection the public had for him) to chase some skirt, had an illegitimate son by the daughter of a theatre manager. Fat and florid from excessive drinking, boorish and small minded, he received a substantial income from the public purse yet remained in perpetual financial straits. Meddlesome and biased to the detriment of stable government...

    When he died of being a fat bastard, the praise came rolling in:
    "A more contemptible, cowardly, selfish, unfeeling dog does not exist ..."
    "There never was an individual less regretted by his fellow-creatures than this deceased king. What eye has wept for him? What heart has heaved one throb of unmercenary sorrow? ... If he ever had a friend – a devoted friend in any rank of life – we protest that the name of him or her never reached us...always preferred a girl and a bottle to politics and a sermon..."
    "the worst man I ever fell in with my whole life, the most selfish, the most false, the most ill-natured, the most entirely without one redeeming quality".

    Sounds like a bit of a beetrooter to me.

    1. Do you ever get the feeling that everything worth saying has already been said ...

      Many times ?
      (except for DP's profound observations, of course :-) )


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