In which "Ned's" natter helps give that tongue another airing

 

 

 

The pond has no excuse for running nattering "Ned" in a late arvo slot, except that the pond fancies itself as a compleat guide to the reptiles, and enduring the tedium of "Ned" is a part of the daily blooding ... (though as a result the humors tend to range from the choleric to the melancholic).

As for the notion that the pompous, portentous "Ned" is offering anything more than a hit job, disguised as an exercise in tedium, that should vanish with the snap the reptiles stuck at the top of the outing ...

 

 

 

How the reptiles loved that tongue shot ... it turned up in all sorts of places ...

 

 And as the pond has already noted it was given a prime spot in the tabloid edition ...

 

 

 

 

The pond suspects that tongue will be sticking out somewhere in reptile land until election day, but these sorts of comedy stylings make it very hard for the pond to focus on the blowhard portentous, pompous musings of "Ned" ...

 

 

 

In the end, "Ned's" hit job isn't that different from savage Sharri's assiduous dirt-digging, noted in the pond's morning edition ... and the best the pond can offer is that the neutered reptile click bait video is possibly the first time that "Ned" has had one degree of separation from Taylor Swift ...

 

Ah the old both sides routine, as evidence of some kind of objectivity ... much like the immortal Rowe's outing this day ...

 

To make up for it (though the pond did like the koala with the colander hat), Rowe retweeted the wondrous idea of Schrödinger’s minister ...

 

 

 

 

Frankly there's more fun to be had with that notion, because the pond always seeks out stories of that mysterious cat, up there with Macavity in terms of depravity ...

 

 

 

 

Call the pond weird, but it prefers those more sophisticated comedy stylings ... 

There's a stand-up comedian who knows how to entertain the pond, in a way that simply sticking out your tongue while making a gaffe doesn't cut it ...

Oh sorry, there was another gobbet of "Ned" to go,  with "Ned" suddenly discovering that Albanese's economic credentials are going to be put under the microscope, apparently entirely unaware that the reptile dirt digging machine is already cranked up to 11 and will shortly hit hyperdrive as they give Albanese a thorough going over, so much so that he'll likely end up pleading for an ordinary thumping by droogs...

 

 

Speaking of comedy stylings, the pond really would have preferred to be off reading Crace and The Suspect becomes the Convict, but the ‘Lion of Kyiv’ is sure to keep lying ...

...come 6pm the Convict was ready to record a short television clip. He was deeply apologetic, he said. Though he didn’t sound like it. Rather, as he toyed with the Toddler haircut, he seemed to blame the police for not having interpreted the law in his favour. In BorisWorld, ignorance of the law is a valid excuse, it seems. Johnson just wanted to move on. It would be wrong to resign now because of Ukraine. Though arguably the UK needed a leader with a strong moral compass more than ever these days. And it wasn’t as if the UK didn’t have a track record of replacing leaders during wartime. Not that we are at war.
Johnson was markedly less comfortable when facing questions. Could everyone just forget about the fact that he had lied so many times he had forgotten what he had lied about and broken his own rules on multiple occasions, he begged. After all, he had lied in good faith because he had really, really believed his own lies. Honest. And if we could just ignore the fact he is totally untrustworthy, he would get on with not dealing with the cost of living and energy crisis.
I mean, he’d only been to a party for nine minutes: it’s going down all the time. Before too long he won’t have been to it – so surely that didn’t count. Well, fine. Then what excuses would the Convict come up with when he was penalised in the future for attending those parties that went on for hours and where everyone got thoroughly shitfaced. The other parties that Johnson insisted never took place. Boris shook his head. He would lie about that as and when the need arose. 

And there was a new Marina Hyde out too, though the pond always worries that the acid will harm innocent computer screens caught in the vicinity ... 

…Alas, here we are at the last paragraph, and I note Crispin Blunt still hasn’t been relieved of the whip. But the Metropolitan police has just confirmed it has now made more than 50 – FIFTY! – referrals for fixed-term penalty notices for lawbreaking Downing Street parties during lockdown. And No 10 confirms that two of those are for the actual prime minister and the actual chancellor. Just so endlessly, endlessly impressive. Then again, “most homes” and “most businesses” broke the law in the pandemic. We know this, because it was recently stated as fact by a hugely versatile authority figure. His name? Crispin Blunt. What a dazzling run of public service it continues to be.

What need of a diamond to cut glass when you have a Hyde?

And what abut Imran Khan?

As prime minister, Khan avoided dealing with the country’s structural problems, instead going on a moral crusade because in his youth he had lived a life of sin in the west and now he was not only atoning for it but wanted to be a spiritual father to the nation. In his head he was not only the leader of Pakistan but also the leader of ummah (community of Muslims) who can also do 60 pushups on the go. Last month he lectured foreign ministers of Muslim countries about how porn was responsible for rising divorce rates. He himself is on his third marriage.

Golly gee, he must be a big devourer of porn ...

And to honour all that rich comedy, way better than a "Ned", a few more comedy stylings from the Graudian ... nee Observer