In which the pond gets the weekend off to a torpid start with an onion muncher exegesis ...

The reptiles went on a Captain Cook culture war this day, because that's what reptiles do, but the mealy mouthed Oz editorialist tried to offer up a little balance ...

Well there are a few, like this one to Yagan in warrior pose ...

After his shooting, settlers removed Yagan's head to claim the bounty. Later, an official sent it to London, where it was exhibited as an "anthropological curiosity" and eventually given to a museum in Liverpool. It held the head in storage for more than a century before burying it with other remains in an unmarked grave in Liverpool in 1964. (Greg Hunt more here).

Then there was Pemulwuy, notable resistance and freedom fighter, opposed to the invasion, and Windrayne, another resistance leader, not to mention Jandamarra, leader of an armed insurrection ...

Yes, there are plenty of indigenous heroes, but the pond isn't sure this is what the quisling, lickspittle Oz editorialist had in mind ...seeing as how some of these indigenous heroes would have taken a view on Captain Cook and Australia Day ... and might even have stormed the Surry Hills bunker to send the reptile invaders back home ...

But enough of the culture wars, because today there's the pond's favourite conservative hero - seemingly impregnable in his spot in the pond's banner - out and about, and don't the lizards of Oz love him ...

Indeed, indeed, because it would be harder to think of a greater or more expert climate scientist than the onion muncher, or anyone more capable of debunking his deluded fellow scientists ... in much the same way as when it comes to explaining the trinity and transubstantiation, it's impossible to go past the onion muncher ...

But wait, there's more, including a free set of steak knives and yet another of the woulda, coulda, shoulda's from a narcissist man whose love of the spotlight and whose fear of irrelevance is only matched by former Chairman Rudd's and exceeded by the twittering Donald ...

The pond has no idea why the reptiles encourage him so, but they do, and at great length ... it's as if they want to seek out new depths of tedium and boredom as a way of discovering the ultimate zen ...

Now this is a remarkable opening bout of blather, but the pond humbly suggests that we don't start with a "we believe" statement, but that we start with the onion muncher's single-handed take-down of broadband in this country ...

It puts the blather about getting things done into the proper perspective, the perspective of fucking things up ...

As for the rest, it's just an excess of blather, a surfeit of blather, a series of motherhood statements involving, like many a rambling by the senile or the angry shouter at clouds, a trip in the DeLorean back to ancient times ...

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Of course it might just as easily be economically conservative and socially liberal, but that's the point of humbug and blather ... when it comes to getting decent broadband in the land, the most likely outcome is a stream of self-regarding words, in which "my" and "I" frequently play a large part ...

In fact, conservatives of the onion muncher kind oppose all change just because they can, in his particular case as a particularly cynical pursuit of power.

Who can forget the onion muncher's time as the most unceasingly, natteringly negative politician in living memory? 

Apparently the onion muncher kind, but the result was a prime example of the dog chasing the car. Once the onion muncher had caught the car, he didn't how the first clue about what to do with it, and that's how we ended up with the wretched broadband, and the climate denialism, and one of the worst governments in living memory and a politician still brooding about the Liberals who, sensing even more disasters and knighthoods to come, took the onion muncher down ...

It was around this point that the pond began to fear that the onion muncher would never shut up. There's only so many times that the hypocrisy and the monumental self-regard and the monumental stupidity can be mentioned ...

What was the point of this exercise, apart from the naked narcissism?

Oh he had a book to flog? A book celebrating the glories of the onion muncher, and linking him in an heroic chain from Ming the Merciless to the Onion Muncher ... and him ever so humbly offering an afterword humbly confirming his glorious time in power, unlike the pretenders who came after him ...

Why didn't he just say so? It would have explained everything. It wouldn't have made any more sense, but at least the mercenary principle would have been clear. 

Another MP basking in past glory, as if in England's green fields, and no doubt a chance to get on the piss at the book launch ...

And with that it's time for a Pope, with more papal insights here ...