In which the pond misses a lot of reptile opportunities, but doesn't miss the Major, which is the pond's usual Monday mistake ...

 

 

 

Today is going to be about opportunities missed. 

The war on the climate, the war on vaccines, the war on China, and frankly, if the pond wants a war on Malware or a war on proud Anglo-Saxon traditions of the Jehovanh's Witness kind, the pond won't be turning to Nick or a reptile EXCLUSIVE.

No, Nick can nick off, as the pond makes room for the Major, as usual irritated at the complete failure of the world to see things his way, and perhaps also still suffering from that failure to find that Order of Lenin medal ...

Yes, ever since the Major has been turned into a blowfly on the bum of the News Corp commentary team, everything has gone into decline... modern politics, the meejia, you name it, none of it's any good since the Major stopped running the show ... and as for Malware ...

 

People are grateful to have the Murdoch papers? Others are driven by social media values. Truly, the Major has turned into a weird fish ... though to be fair, it's true that without the lizard Oz and the likes of the paranoid Major, the pond would miss its daily dose of rich comedy ...

And the chance for the pond to show empathy by running an appropriate cartoon would also go missing ... (with more Wilcox here) ...

That feels better ...

It somehow fits with the uncanny ability of the Major to blame everyone for everything. Malware, lefties, greenies, the Labor party, even poor old Scotty from marketing being so dumb he fell for the obvious deviant, devious leftie Malware trap. The poor speaking in tongues lad is so clueless and hapless, he's incapable of getting anything right. 

Shoulda, woulda, coulda ... with the spineless capacity of a jelly or a worm... but as for Malware, how he still gnaws at the Major's vitals, what an irritant he is, how impossible it is to purge him ...

 

Consider themselves media experts? Laughable, there's only one meejia expert in this room, there's only one expert who knows how to suck up to the Chairman by striking assorted blows at the full to overflowing intertubes and the social media mindset ... (why was MySpace so cruel and unkind?)

Yep, newspaper sales and readership are gnats on the matted wool of a sheep suffering from blowfly strike ... and then there's climate science ...

 

Ah, the global 'leets. How kind of them to turn up, but to pointedly exclude struggle street barons of the Chairman Rupert kind.

And by the way, sucks boo to media diversity, and that jibber jabber about climate change, and oh the wonders of coal, and luckily the reptiles had a great EXCLUSIVE this day that set the pond's mind at rest ...

Well played Maddy, but sadly another opportunity missed by the pond, as it goes about doing a lot of missing. Another to bite the dust was good old nattering "Ned" ...

What would a dull old fogy of the "Ned" kind know about zest, or sheets for that matter ...

 

Ah the bromancer's preferred brand of sheets ... and so on to more opportunities missed ...

Nick doing over Tony Windsor? Oh for fuck's irrelevant sake, and what about Ben packing it for the mutton Dutton? And there's Jim shoring up News Corp, doing his bit for the paywall.

Even more disturbing and distressing, there was the Oreo trying to sound sane about vaccines. Now there are many things that the pond will take from the reformed, recovering feminist, but an imitation of sanity is not one of them ...

That left only the Caterist ... and only one interesting question. Would he mention the bromancer's sheets? Probably not, but maybe there'd be a few other laughs along the way ...

Sadly there was no time for the bromancer's sheets, because right at the get go, the Caterist had to deal with another heresy, involving the savvy Savva and that devious, treacherous Malware ...

 

Yes, remember greatness comes from shutting the fuck up, though where this leaves the garrulous Caterist must remain an open question.

Perhaps if Scotty from marketing just shut the fuck up things would go much better ...

Sorry, but the pond had already started to nod off in the Caterist company, and there's still two gobbets to go ...

 

You see? Even when scribbling about a recently expired Liberal, the Caterist can produce a good line and a good laugh. Who else could scribble that Liberals aren't wedded to ideology, they're wedded to principles?

It gets so much richer when you remember that the Caterist spends much of his time scribbling about ideology, or flood waters in quarries or climate science or beloved coal, or whatever, and the only principle he seems to possess is a desire for government cash in the paw (grants only please, none of that notion of a repayable loan).

Sadly, that snipe at Malware being Double Bay could only come from a man himself deeply embedded in Sydney's real estate, and all the more cruel because Malware is a Point Piper man ...  Harbourside Mansion if you please, in the snobbish style of the Major ... who therefore knows nothing of the shire or speaking in tongues...

 

Never mind, the pond has spent its entire time not thinking of the lost feathers of the Peacock, but instead admiring the plumage of the Caterist celebrating Scotty from marketing ...

 

A broad church? Well provided Malware isn't allowed to sit in the pews ...

And now feeling a tad remorseful at all that it's ignored, the pond would like to indulge in a personal pleasure.

While the pond has absolutely no time for Alex, the pond couldn't help but notice this turning up, and anyone who calls the onion muncher an idiot deserves a place in the pond's pews ...

 

 

 He stoppeth one of three and calls 'idiot' three times. No wonder ancient Troy was delighted.

The pond's other excuse? Well the Major did mention the onion muncher's demise, and so hearing the idiot called an idiot was as good as any a reason to hear the Scottish salmon jump the burns as they meander through the cleughs and the glens ...

 

Malware as Mel, all done out in blue?!

And so to another pleasure. The pond reckons that you only have to mention "free speech" and "cancel culture" to score a reptile piece, and so it was with Ben ...

As a preface, the pond hasn't the faintest interest in aged Ben, but admires the way he understood the reptile mind. Got a show to sell, got a show to promote? Come on down ancient Troy and "free speech" and Bob's your promotional uncle with yet another reptile EXCLUSIVE ...

 

Hang on, hang on, humour based on prejudice or ignorance must be called out? That sounds incredibly wet, and almost completely woke, and sure enough, our Ben had kind words for the Irish and the blacks, and went on in a terribly woke way about bullying and such like, pausing only to bully the full to overflowing Internet (oh how we miss tree killing newspapers, from the days when the Major routinely set things right)...

 

And there's how you get to promote your show with a reptile EXCLUSIVE. Blather on about the evils of the internet and Twitter, while sounding terribly woke about gender, identity and such like, and you can have the best of all reptile worlds ... oh they'll be queuing in the aisles down Bendigo way ...

And now back to those wars and all the missed opportunities the pond wilfully refused to seize this day, with the immortal Rowe immortalising our fantastic air force and its fantastic planes, waging vaccine wars, with more fantastic fantasies here ...