(Above: the splashlet that aims to sell papers trading off on Phillip Jensen's fundamentalism. I only noticed the front page devilry when I picked up a free copy of the SMH, as the rag flings itself at punters to boost its pretend circulation numbers, while at the Opera House to listen to inspired atheist music, and Prokofiev and the team delivered with his third piano concerto).
The good news continues - as you'd hope for a Sunday - with the results in, and Joe Hockey thrashing Phillip Jensen by 293 comments to 1, and Miranda the Devine reduced to a lowly 22 comments for her self-pitying outburst on divided roads (see the sidebar if you want to pursue links to these dead or dying controversies).
Sure, it means that the miniscule readership for this site has collapsed into a withered infinitesimal heap of disinterest, but really can a lack of interest in the squawking of the loons be a cause for despair?
Perhaps you've decided to declare Sunday a loon free day? And why not? When people go around calling other peoples' gods false, there can only be trouble. Especially if you're a part of the Jensenist heresy.
But still we have a job to do - reporting on the doings and cavortings on loon pond is a ceaseless, never ending, thankless, tiresome task - and desperate for ratings, we thought we'd follow up Leesha McKenny's piece Catholics celebrate sex by making it a threesome.
Sex ... and Catholics. By golly that should perk up whatever it is you have that needs perking up.
It seems in its infinite wisdom the Chruch has approved a book for married Catholics, Prayer Book For Spouses, which provides prayers for all occasions, including one before sex.
Now that will be old news for any stray British reader, because the book has been out there for months, but news travels slowly to the antipodes.
Anyhow, it seems that before you get down to it, you can now pause for a joint prayer, and invite your god into your sexual activities:
The prayer before sex asks the Holy Spirit to "place within us love that truly gives, tenderness that truly unites . . . [and] loving physical union that welcomes" before asking to "clothe us in true dignity and take to yourself our shared aspirations, for your glory, forever and ever. Mary, our mother, intercede for us. Amen."
Clothe us? Sex while clothed? Victorian England in mid winter anyone?
No wonder the local rep Chris Meney said the prayer had attracted much interest - as polite a term for ridicule, chortling and general derision as I've come across in recent times.
"It's not uncommon in Catholic thinking for people to be putting God at the centre of their marriage," he said. "It's a way of recognising that really, from a Christian perspective, there are three people in the marriage."
Say what? God getting down and doing the thing? Sample questions to ask spouse just before lights out: "Have you been having it off with Jesus again?" "Did the Holy Ghost come and do a naughty with you?" "Has god been giving you a hard time again?"
Sadly, McKenny rather spoils the fun by noting that the book has sold just 35 copies at $6.95 a pop in the antipodes, suggesting that the presence of god in the bedroom might well provoke marital tension, especially if he (or could it be she?) provides a more heavenly fuck than the earthly partner.
In the UK the reaction to the book's outing was decidedly mixed, or at least ambivalent:
The Rt Rev Paul Hendricks, who is the Auxiliary Bishop of Southwark and sits on the charity's board, said he thought the prayer's inclusion was 'brave but good'.
'I suppose it is a bit idealistic but it is recognising that God is at the heart of the marriage relationship between husband and wife,' he said.'It is important for the Church to affirm the value of marriage and family life and I suppose this is a particular way of doing that.'
'Perhaps it is something that has not been tried, certainly for a while - I can't remember seeing something like that before.' (here)
But then that story in the Daily Mail as a typically derisory header - couples told to pray before sex - with the derisory notion that the prayer is aimed at couples purifying their intentions so that "the act" is not about selfishness or hedonism.
No, front line Catholic troops, it's about generating more children for indoctrination, and perhaps your brood can achieve their apotheosis by embracing chastity and joining the church in a position of power (women to the rear please).
Well the spoilsport Telegraph (here) provided the full prayer, and here it is:
Father, send your Holy Spirit into our hearts.
Place within us love that truly gives,
tenderness that truly unites,
self-offering that tells the truth and does not deceive,
forgiveness that truly receives,
loving physical union that welcomes.
Open our hearts to you, to each other and to the goodness of your will.
Cover our poverty in the richness of your mercy and forgiveness.
Clothe us in our true dignity and take to
yourself our shared aspirations, for your glory, for ever and ever.
yourself our shared aspirations, for your glory, for ever and ever.
Mary, our Mother, intercede for us. Amen.
Oh dear. Mawkish as well as meaningless, and about as much to do with a good fuck as a reading of Noddy.
Well if that gets your juices flowing, remember anything other than the missionary position is profoundly offensive.
But it being a Sunday, I thought it was time to remind people of the many ways in which you can legitimately enjoy sex, it having been created by your god for your pleasure.
Anal sex? Not a problem:
“I thought the Bible said anal sex was a sin.”
This is a common misconception. Anal sex is confusing to many Christians because of the attention paid to the Bible’s condemnation of homosexual acts. However, it’s important to realize that these often quoted scriptures refer only to sexual acts between two men. Nowhere does the Bible forbid anal sex between a male and female.
In fact, many Biblical passages allude to the act of anal sex between men and women. Lamentations 2:10 describes how “The virgins of Jerusalem have bowed their heads to the ground,” indicating how a virginal maidens should position themselves to receive anal sex. Another suggestive scripture tells of a woman’s pride in her “valley” (referring to her buttocks and the cleft between them) and entices her lover to ejaculate against her backside: "How boastful you are about the valleys! O backsliding daughter who trusts in her treasures, {saying,} ' Who will come against me?' (Jeremiah 49:4) And in the Song of Songs, the lover urges his mate to allow him to enter her from behind: “Draw me after you, let us make haste.” (Song of Solomon, 1:4)
Oral sex? How soon can you start?
“His Fruit Was Sweet to My Taste”
In Christian discussions concerning oral sex, the Song of Solomon is most frequently cited as an example of scriptural allusion to the act: Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest, so is my beloved among the young men. In his shade I took great delight and sat down, and his fruit was sweet to my taste. (Song of Solomon 2:3)
While the previous passage refers to fellatio, the following can be read as a metaphor for cunnilingus: Awake, O north wind, and come, wind of the south; make my garden breathe out fragrance, let its spices be wafted abroad. May my beloved come into his garden and eat its choice fruits! (Song of Solomon 4:16)
And again, the Song of Solomon urges lovers to eat and drink freely of one another’s bodies: I am come into my garden, my sister, my spouse: I have gathered my myrrh with my spice; I have eaten my honeycomb with my honey; I have drunk my wine with my milk: eat, O friends; drink, yea, drink abundantly, O beloved. (Song of Solomon 5:1) This reading of the scriptures portrays the act of oral sex as both natural, like eating, and a joyful expression of love, passion, and sexual sharing between a man and woman.
How about bondage and bdsm? Party on dudes:
Spiritual Submission - The Ideal of Marriage
22 Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord, 23 for the husband is head of the wife as also Christ is head of the church. He is the Savior of the body. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so wives should submit to their husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as also Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her, 26 to make her holy, cleansing her in the washing of water by the word. (Ephesians 5:22-26)
The husband and wife who choose to enter into a consensual Dominant/submissive relationship are choosing to fully enact this commandment in their sexual life, a choice that is valid and honorable, and may bring them both deep sexual and spiritual fulfillment. BDSM, practiced responsibly, can be a tool of growth for both partners in a Christian marriage, as it allows them to more fully explore God's plan for spiritual and sexual partnership.
And so on and so forth. You will find helpful, supportive, insightful more extensive scribbles on these issues here at sex in christ.
There are also handy features on viagra, threesomes, a proposal for a christian pornography, fisting and god's will, and perhaps best of all for troubled teens, a philosophical argument on the benefits, and usefulness of god-endorsed masturbation (though you have to be careful with the spilling of the seed, and not confuse Onan's activities and contraceptive practises with having a little fun on your own. (Masturbation: God's Great Gift to Us).
Now I know some of you - cynics and ne'er do wells - will think of these scribbles as offensive adolescent satire, but really, in a world where Phillip Jensen argues that Joe Hockey worships a false god, and Catholic celibates pen wretchedly stupid prayers that the hopelessly dumb can recite before a bout of coupling, where's the harm in that?
Okay, you're right. Satire can never embrace, comprehend, evoke, or send up shitless enough the absurdity of the world, which remains defiantly transcendent and out of reach of the sharpest pens, Alexander Pope and Voltaire and Ambrose Bierce included. But by golly there's fun in the trying, and here at loon pond we'll just keep on cheering on the squawking maddened throng of restless humanity.
Now for a Sunday prayer: here's hoping your Sunday includes a bout of hot, dirty, filthy, sweaty, salivating, grappling, juice laden, precious bodily fluid exchanging, spittle rich kissing, tongue pashing, pawing and groping and pummeling sex, and if you can't have that, remember love the one you're with, and enjoy a little self-relief in a loving way.
And now a word from our sponsor, the immortal Jack D. Ripper, who had his moment in the sun in Dr. Strangelove:
General Jack D. Ripper: Mandrake, do you realize that in addition to fluoridating water, why, there are studies underway to fluoridate salt, flour, fruit juices, soup, sugar, milk... ice cream. Ice cream, Mandrake, children's ice cream.
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Lord, Jack.
General Jack D. Ripper: You know when fluoridation first began?
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: I... no, no. I don't, Jack.
General Jack D. Ripper: Nineteen hundred and forty-six. Nineteen forty-six, Mandrake. How does that coincide with your post-war Commie conspiracy, huh? It's incredibly obvious, isn't it? A foreign substance is introduced into our precious bodily fluids without the knowledge of the individual. Certainly without any choice. That's the way your hard-core Commie works.
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Uh, Jack, Jack, listen, tell me, tell me, Jack. When did you first... become... well, develop this theory?
General Jack D. Ripper: Well, I, uh... I... I... first became aware of it, Mandrake, during the physical act of love.
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Hmm.
General Jack D. Ripper: Yes, a uh, a profound sense of fatigue... a feeling of emptiness followed. Luckily I... I was able to interpret these feelings correctly. Loss of essence.
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Hmm.
General Jack D. Ripper: I can assure you it has not recurred, Mandrake. Women uh... women sense my power and they seek the life essence. I, uh... I do not avoid women, Mandrake.
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: No.
General Jack D. Ripper: But I... I do deny them my essence.
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