Paul Sheehan, David Penberthy, Liberal leadership dreams and delusions, and a couple of moments of sanity on loon pond

(Above: Goya's visionary painting of the Liberal party leadership struggle. You can find a convenient listing of Goya at the Prado - a great museum on the basis of its Goyas alone - by going here).

Every so often, it's almost natural for the inhabitants of loon pond to seek rational debate and reasonable insight, instead of the rambling portents and incoherent signs of doom and disaster pronounced from on high by commentariat columnists.

No good will come of it, of course, because the craving for spectacle is as innate as the craving for sugar and salt and chocolate.

And it has its benefits. Consider, as the Liberals tear themselves apart, the rich fantasy life of Paul Sheehan, in Nothing wrong with Libs disunity on climate change.

Here's the inspiration for his delusion:

In the US, Republicans and Democrats vote against their party on major issues all the time, because they are not bound by the convention inherited from the British that party discipline is the first principle of politics.

The first principle of politics should be principle.

Actually the first principle of politics is politics, and you don't need to read Machiavelli's The Prince to realize that. But having established the delusional notion that the United States political system should spring to life in Australia fully blown in a leap and a bound, Sheehan can then end his column - with the pious hope that it will end Liberal internal self-destruction - this way:

It would be a victory for principle over factionalism, if Labor members as well as those from the Coalition crossed the floor on this issue without destroying their careers.

Memo to self: do not employ Paul Sheehan as political consultant. Do not follow his advice to wish upon a star because in reality anything your heart desires will not always come to you, some requests are too extreme when you wish upon a star as dreamers do, and sometimes bolts from the blue are likely to be fate getting involved in ways that don't make dreams come true.

Only benefit from reading Paul Sheehan? Strange surreal flashback to Pinocchio and Jiminy Cricket singing When You Wish upon a Star.

Oh and the hope that Tony Abbott is suddenly a potential leader, squelched by Tony Abbott in a trice.

But Sheehan isn't the only one caught on the hop by the current Liberal blood sports. Some of the commentariat have wandered off into the furthest deeps of loon pond rather than write about the bull fight, knowing that at the end there's a kill and blood in the dust.

Perhaps the most bizarre belongs to David Penberthy, who in search of an angle offered up Is this the next Leader of the Liberal Party?

In it, Penberthy canvasses the notion that the delusional Kevin Andrews might challenge Malcolm Turnbull today, which is to say at the time of writing, yesterday.

Of course no challenge came, and the notion that the gormless recessive Andrews had a snowball's chance in hell shows how the bloodlust can let the pen run ahead of any rational insight. In the old days, at least we would have had a decent fish and chip wrapping, these days the intertubes gets dangerously full to overflowing keeping track of reams of digitized blather.

The meaningless meditations and cogitations by Penberthy, in a world totally unrelated to the current one in which we live, included this kind of nonsense:

... Andrews’ candidature could do two things. In isolation, it would damage Turnbull by drawing public attention to the level of dissatisfaction within the party, and set Tony Abbott up for a run in the near future. But it could also have the immediate effect of triggering a wave of other leadership nominations and counter-nominations inside today’s Party Room meeting with an unpredictable Melbourne Cup field slugging it out.

Which is journalist shorthand for bring on the dream - fresh fodder for weeks as we delve into the entrails of the leadership crisis.

The last time we had this sort of nonsense, Joe Hockey was involved, and Hockey had ten - some would say a hundred - times the credibility of Andrews.

Amongst the puffery, a glimmer of reality struck home in Penberthy's piece:

Andrews is a gentle sort of a bloke, a devout Christian and social conservative, and is well-liked within the party. But he has many strong critics of his past ministerial performance - most notably as Workplace Relations Minister when he struggled to sell the apparent benefits of Workchoices and was punted for Joe Hockey, or as Immigration Minister after Philip Ruddock when he led the bungled crusade against the (wrongly) accused terrorist Dr Haneef.

Oh dear, you mean that Kevin Andrews, the totally incompetent doofus? Well surely he's perfectly positioned to lead the current Liberal team, and that team player Wilson Tuckey.

Then Penberthy provides the icing on his rambling cake:

But today isn’t about his vision for the future or his leadership talents. It’s about clobbering Malcolm Turnbull. And as a loyal member of the Right, Andrews is prepared to go in as the spear-carrier for his faction today as Turnbull limps towards the end of this final sitting week for 2009.

It's not about his vision for the future or his leadership talents? WTF?

Every now and then, Penberthy shows he has a tenuous hold by one finger on reality, and a seat in the real world:

Kevin Andrews is not the Right’s preferred candidate - but he is the one who has volunteered to go over the top on behalf of the party’s conservatives. He told SkyNews ominously yesterday that “At the moment we have a leader but I am a loyal servant of the party and I will do any job that I am asked to do,” Mr Andrews told Sky News.

Andrews is not expected to get the numbers.

WTF? Ominously? A powder puff is ominous? So why am I reading this nonsense about this goose?

Well here's the reason. Anything for a bit of cross promotion:

- Kevin Andrews has submitted several pieces for The Punch over the past few months on climate change, population policy and an interesting personal piece on how his first job was as a race-caller. You can read them here.

Sorry, I somehow dropped the link at the end of that piece, but you can go to The Punch for the links if you've got intestinal fortitude.

Meanwhile, I'm afraid I'll have to unilaterally declare David Penberthy goose of the Liberal leadership crisis week, for sheer puffery and silliness while scribbling. Sure it's only Wednesday, but who could out-goose such a class act of goosery? Such a goosey honking.

Phew. Well let's just step away from loon pond for the moment.

Yesterday loon pond featured the dilemma facing poor old Chairman Rupert, with his singular inability to understand the intertubes, but we didn't manage to mention Matthew Ricketson's The brave new world of media advertising.

What Ricketson says isn't new news, but what a pity Chairman Rupert and his minions don't settle down for a read. Let me borrow Ricketson's punch line as a tease, so you might be beguiled in to reading the substance of his piece:

Murdoch may rail against "content kleptomaniacs" such as Google but his ire appears to be misdirected. It is really against new forms of technology that spell the end of a business model that has supported media companies for nearly two centuries, and he, like everyone else it seems, has no clear idea what will replace it.

And finally we'd like to make room for Ross Cameron, and Please explain: why Palin is their Pauline.

Cameron's conclusion, for the former member of Parramatta, shows a singular insight into the way politicians can crash as the wax on their wings melts when they fly too close to the sun:

Palin's faltering advocacy diminishes the conservative cause. Choosing Palin was the biggest Republican blunder since the impeachment of Bill Clinton. She cannot sustain this bubble. Australians are ahead of Americans here - we have seen the rise and fall of Pauline Hanson.

Like her, Palin will crash. The more pressing question is, how much damage will Palin do to the brand of a truly grand old party before the star implodes? We right-wingers should do ourselves a favour, limit the fallout and face the fact the left is right about Sarah Palin.

But if you want the absolute truth, it was because while reading his piece, I was struck by this image of Sarah Palin and a pissing fountain boy, as provided by a crass Yellow Pages ad, typical of the new world of in your face online advertising, as old media tries to get a bit of money out of the intertubes.

Click to get a bigger picture. And don't blame me, we only provide fair and balanced images, and you decide:

UPDATE: by golly, I might owe that goose Penberthy a huge apology. According to this AAP story in The Age, I want Turnbull's job, says Andrews, the goose Kevin Andrews continues to remain hot to trot for the leadership:

Mr Andrews said he believed a spill motion had been circulated and seconded.

‘‘It would be extraordinary if that wasn’t facilitated,’’ he said.

If Mr Turnbull did not call a meeting over the issue tomorrow, Mr Andrews said party members would be forced ‘‘to think about what happens’’.

Asked if he would be a starter if the positions of Mr Turnbull and Deputy Opposition Leader Julie Bishop became vacant, he replied, ‘‘Yes I would’’.

The cunning deviant! What better way to make Tony Abbott, jolly Joe Hockey and any one else in the Liberal party sound like a qualified candidate. Who are you, what you got? will be the first question asked, and the answer will be Well, I'm better than Kevin Andrews. Sold, step up to the job with our blessing. Even Wilson Tuckey might get the gig on that basis.

Meanwhile, it's reassuring to know that Andrews will be forced to think about what happens. I know, I know, thinking is hard for bears with limited brains, but just remember honey, and all will be well.