The pond realises that the reptiles are only trying to help, even if they end up being really trying ...
Take the reptile headline in the tree killer edition today ...
PM locks in protection for gay kids?
So what about gay adults, you know, gay men, gay women, TG folk and so on and so forth? They can just go fuck themselves? No locked in protection for them?
Talk about a useless, exclusionary headline ...
And why are the reptiles still taking Clive's cash in their claw? Yelling freedumb ... freedumb ...
It makes the lizard Oz look as downmarket as a National Enquirer ...
Not to worry, unprotected gay folk, on we go, with the pond pausing to note mournfully that the day's proceedings can't include a John Crace ...
His doing over of Boris in his politics sketch - as in a real pig's ear - is essential reading for the pond ...
What do the reptiles offer to the pond in lieu? Bloody useless hand-wringing and sighing nattering "Ned" ...
Just for starters, what gave "Ned" the idea that the natural born liar was stumbling into a trap?
If anyone has set a trap for the natural born liar, it's the natural born liar himself. Just like Boris, if you keep on telling porkies, eventually someone will notice ...
Oh John Crace, John Crace, where are you in the hour of the pond's need?
Three years ago Johnson was overheard saying “Fuck business” when some chief execs complained about the impact Brexit was having on their industries. On Monday, he managed to convey precisely the same sentiment more indirectly, merely by making no effort to engage with his audience. Or even to understand the basics of what was required. After a self-inflicted bruising few weeks of horror headlines, you might have thought he would have wanted to reset the agenda on his – and his government’s – competence. But apparently not. What he really wanted to do was carry on taking the piss.
If he was trying to demonstrate that he is a fundamentally trivial man for serious times, he couldn’t have improved on this performance. After a couple of minutes of Bertie Booster-style nonsense, he soon got waylaid by an anecdote about one of the best jobs he had ever had: motoring correspondent for GQ. He quickly namechecked several cars he had road tested before making engine noises. Vroooom vrooom raaaagh raaagh. Or something like that. He looked up, desperate for some laughs. None came. Driving under the influence clearly isn’t that funny.
Johnson then went on to refer to himself in the third person, praising the former London mayor for his efforts to make the country green, and to compare himself to Moses as he brought the Ten Commandments down from Mount Sinai. Good to see his rampant, narcissistic megalomania was in full flow. To complete his green spiel, he even used the gag about fintech, medtech and nanotech all sounding like 15th-century Mexico that he used a few weeks ago in his speech to Cop26. It was Johnson doing his bit for recycling, I suppose. Though the impression he gave was that he didn’t give a toss.
Oh dear, the contrast with "Ned's" natter is too cruel ...
Here is the ultimate meaning! Here is the ultimate meaning!?
What a pointlessly pompous and portentous non-sequitur, as Pythonish as it gets ...
But the good news is that "Ned" is feeling so frail and fragile and Chicken Little anxious that he had only two gobbets to go ... and there was no sign of him reading his feeble material for a podcast ...
The only thing worth noting in that screed is the mention of Rennick. What a piece of work, what an admirable tool.
The Graudian has run a couple of pieces, including one on his Facebook postings, and one on his Facebook postings ...
So many splendid tools, so little time ... and so much for "Neddy's" paranoia about a trap ...
Nobody pre-selected these splendid tools other than the Libs and the Nats, and they go on being splendid tools all on their own account ...
Poor "Ned". He feels the urge to defend the natural born liar, but he doesn't have the first clue as to how to go about it ...
As noted, from the holiday get go, SloMo has managed his own character assassination admirably ... but if the infallible Pope can help a little with The church of the Quiet Australians, so be it ...
Meanwhile, the digital edition also led with the headline notion of saving gay children and fucking the adults ...
Oh okay the splash does mention teachers, but the point surely is that in their desperate desire to join Helen Lovejoy in thinking of the children, the reptiles weren't helping with their exclusionary headline ...
Meanwhile, the reptiles talked of four daughters and confused the pond by showing a gaggle at the fence ...
The keen eye will also spot some splendid progress in the pond's ambitious target of a war with China by Xmas, and perhaps world war three by Easter ... with the mutton Dutton setting the pace, but over on the far right, the bromancer keen as mustard to join the fray ...
Carry on bromancer, carry on ...
Dear sweet long absent lord, still clinging to a few toothpicks as the solution to the future battle? Xi trembling and getting in quick before the mouse that roars deploys its subs?
Luckily, before the pond began to quietly weep, the reptiles made it obvious that this was just the usual bit of bromancer hysteria, and so a goodly chance to roll out a couple of click bait videos, with the first featuring the thunderer from down under ... though likely the first casualty in the mutton Dutton's war is going to be SloMo, the natural born liar ...
Say what? The pond got it all wrong?
The bromancer has run up the white flag, embraced the white feather? He wants to stick his head in the sand?
What happened to this power talking bromancer?
From hard power to limp dick? Come on bro, stiffen up, harden the fuck up, remember your good 'hard as sub steel' days, hard as legs of sub steel days ...
It's time to sound the drumbeat for war, and with a bit of luck, the mutton Dutton can use the chance to lop off the nose of the natural born liar, and take his place ... and then we'll be in a real pickle, with an old plod at the helm, and wanting to give Xi the old phone book treatment ...
Never mind, it helps explain why the bromancer ran out of puff, and the reptiles had to end with another click bait video ... as the bromancer explains, to sublime comical reptile effect, that it's all the fault of Labor ... until he concedes that perhaps they might have a point and posturing and war mongering might not be all the go for the wannabe mouse that doesn't have much besides its roar ...
And so to the search for a bonus, and naturally the pond went down below the fold because there's usually something happening below the belt ...
There was simplistic Simon doing his usual - what an excellent turd polisher he is - but the pond was most disturbed by Jessica's alarming question ...
Now the pond hasn't the slightest interest in cricket or men sending shots of their cocks to women - a truly weird sign of the times, and not nearly as interesting as Bosch painting The Last Judgment - but it happened to notice on its way down to below the fold this offering from Dame Slap ...
Two wins. The pond can't remember when it last heard talk of "faceless men", but if you dust off the moths and get rid of the mold from all the humidity, it's as good as ever ...
And there was Dame Slap, standing by, ready to answer Jessica's question in best approved IPA style ...
The pond is no Marina Hyde and can't boast of its love of flanelled fools. Every so often the pond on a weekend walk will pause to look at the trundlers on Camperdown park, and then move on quickly ...
And it has to be said that the cartoons aren't much of an inspiration either ...
But back to answering Jessica's question ...
You see Jessica, it's the faceless men wot did it ... and worse still they're progressives, and it has absolutely nothing to do with a dick foolishly sending off snaps of his dick ... what with him being a married man and all, as if the deeds of that weiner Anthony Weiner had never reached down under ...
It was way back in 2016 that Vox was featuring Anthony Weiner and the rise of dick pics, explained ...
And yet here we are ... with Dame Slap still busy explaining in her IPA way ...
Now the pond, whenever it sees a snap of a dick, finds the result vaguely comical ... whether limp or hard, a dick isn't all that exciting to contemplate ...
But did Dame Slap have to reference 'cleanskin', in a way that made the pond suddenly think of a foreskin?
Okay, just one gobbet of Dame Slap to go ... and surely Jessica must now have her answer ...
You see, he was meant to be a cleanskin Jessica, but he ended up a foreskin ...
Wise words, but the pond might humbly suggest an alternative to vulgar youff and silly older men. Don't send snaps of your dick, because sometime down the track there might be a balls up, and you'll live to regret it.
Get your snout out of your mobile phone. You might save yourself from being creamed by a passing vehicle, and you might well save yourself being creamed by a vengeful woman or a mob of cricket administators ...
And with that advice out of the way, time for some advice from the immortal Rowe,with more advice to be found here in the Twitter way ...
And now to a mention of another tweet featured by Rowe ...
Support your local bookstore?
But the pond's local bookstore is Better Dead Than Red, and hasn't that been in the news ...
Never mind, the pond can get behind the main message ...
"there was no sign of [Ned] reading his feeble material for a podcast ..."
ReplyDeleteDisappeared with truly lightning speed, didn't it. One might even be tempted to say 'warp speed'.
So, the Bro tells us that: "Australian nuclear powered submarines could still be a way for Australia to acquire nuclear weapons, though the Morrison government has repeatedly disavowed any interest in nuclear weapons."
ReplyDeleteAnd that's it then, because the Morrison government is more honest than the day is long and so can be trusted unconditionally about absolutely everything. And such a totally honest man as Xi would fully appreciate that which is surely the end of the matter.
It's just like reptiles live in several different worlds at the same time and thus can switch back and forth from one to another at the drop of a hat without noticing it. And especially the Bro.
Being a curious lad, i sought guidance on accepted meanings of ‘cleanskin’.
ReplyDeleteMy (print) Webster offers just one -
‘in Australia, an unbranded bullock or calf: called a maverick in the United States’
while my Macquarie offers two and a half -
an unbranded animal.
one who is free from blame, or has no record of police conviction
‘cleanskin nobby’ - an opal found in an abandoned mine, which has been overlooked by previous miners.’
These offer amusing prospects for nuance to the Dame’s use of ‘cleanskin’, although she could be quite likely to cite the statement of H Dumpty, under cross-examination.
Hmm. And I always thought a 'cleanskin' was a bottle of drinkable stuff without a label. For attaching your own to. Therefore demonstrating who really is master.
DeleteStrange are the ways of dictionary compilers, GB. It may be that that use of 'cleanskin' (with which I agree) is waiting out some qualifying period before it receives its certification, at least with Macquarie. My Webster was printed in 1968 and is actually the 'pure' Second Edition - not the Merriam/Britannica that was being compiled through that decade. But that also makes it an old one.
DeleteJust to keep everyone happy Collins covers the turf
Delete1. an unbranded animal
2. slang - a person without a criminal record
3. a terrorist who has no obvious links to terrorist groups, and who thus does not appear on police watch lists
4. Australian and New Zealand - a bottle of wine whose label does not display the producer's name
5. a chance to make a joke about foreskins
So Slappy regales the world thus: "...Paine, though not guilty of breaching the code of conduct, was found guilty by that different court - readers of a newspaper." Now hold on, hold on; found guilty by a newspaper ? Isn't that, for a reptile, about on a par with a bunch of pots calling a kettle black ?
ReplyDeleteBut hold on, no he was found guilty by "readers" and not by the finely tuned and totally just and fair journos. So Slappy can still find as many people guilty as she wants, and Yassmin Abdel-Magied's conviction stands unchallenged.
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ReplyDeleteI've got to say Dame Slap rushes to the barricades over some funny causes. Maybe the common thread is that a privileged person, and I think you could say that someone who earns several hundred thousand dollars for hitting a ball with a stick is privileged, has suffered some setback.
ReplyDeleteI eagerly await her commentary on robodebt or similar.
Yesterday DP wrote:
ReplyDelete"With the greatest respect to JM, the pond'slone, brave correspondent from the United States, the bromancer turned to the United States as a model."
Thank you for the shout out amiga. You are the second Aussie female to make me smile.
First was Jenny who came to Jersey to stay with her American mom's relations in 4th grade.
I was a Skippy aficionado and was jealous of Sonny having a pet that caught jewel thieves
on floats,during parades in downtown Sydney, while if my cat Oscar didn't deposit a fur
ball on my screaming sister's shoes it was a good week.
Jenny and I would discuss the latest Skippy - the show made her less homesick - and at
least I was one schoolmate who didn't mimic her "English" accent.
Before Crocodile Dundee discovered Australia(in American eyes) you lot stood as good a
chance of being called Austrian as Australian, I shit you not.
Jenny lived a few houses down from me so when we started walking home together some kids -
most my buddies - razzed us that she was my girl.
She said 'that's right' and kissed me full on the mush.
I was never the same after that, antipodian women will do that to a man.
But that was the first and last time, even though I later paid Brian Moore 50 cents to
again tease us.
Jenny must have suspected something as Brian was my sidekick of long standing, and if Brian
is out there reading this I want my two bits back.
If Jennifer Oriel is reading this and she once attended Grant School in Westfield, NJ for
half a year, I don't want to know.
Sorry JM, the spam trap got that one, and it's a relief to know that the America the pond once knew still struggles on, as madness grips the land ... or at least the GOP ...
DeleteJM - thank you - poignant story, well worth coming back for.
Delete