In which the pond anoints the dog botherer and Dean Smith ...

Forget it crow eaters, the lizards of Oz don't care. 

It seems every day now until the federal election the reptiles are going to be running EXCLUSIVES featuring either unions or loons of the Dean Smith kind …

 

Shocking … though no doubt the reptiles will also make room for some climate science denialism and other nonsense …

You see, it got even sillier yesterday …

Who cares if he said it? Every day of Malware's reign the lizards of Oz, the onion muncher and assorted pundits gathered in the reptile rags, tabloid and broadsheet, to explain Malware had to go …

Remember the dog botherer?

And so on and on, and so to the comedy item of the day, again kindly provided by the dog botherer …

Well the pond would hardly expect the dog botherer to recall the Warringah motion, but what about this header?

Anointment? Perhaps with a laying on of hands? A smearing of a holy oil? A lathering of an unguent with a heady spicy smell?

Being a devout ex-Catholic, the pond wondered if anointment was the wisest choice of words … especially to describe the act of a speaking in tongues man …

Couldn't the reptiles come up with something less Catholic Boys' Daily? 

 But the reptiles are feeling the heat, and the dog botherer was in a rage, at the boot sinking and the senseless mocking, and the hurt and the cruelty and oh, the pain, the pain of it all in an uncaring universe, where everyone should have realised that the onion muncher was still the man ...

Um, actually, in this, it's less a matter of Mundine - let him screw over Redfern how he likes - than the sublime hypocrisy of all those who only a few short months ago were nattering about democracy and the Warringah motion and the need to champion the rights of members of the Liberal party.

Where are these proud warriors now? Where do they stand? Are they still solidly against the notion of Captain's Picks or Anointments or Dispensations from on High? Do they fight for the membership and local empowerment against the fiendish, wily forces, emanating absolute authority and papal infallibility from Canberra?

So much for the onion muncher, so much for the Warringah motion, so much for thieves of different stripes consorting together …

Captain's picks it is, the rights of the monarch must be preserved, the papacy must be able to make its anointments …

Such high comedy, and thus it came about that the heretic had to be exposed and reviled …

All this in a landscape where the pond must ask: has madness completely overtaken the world? 

Petulant Peta refusing to run, preferring her job at Sky, and once again the onion muncher under attack, despite his coherent and consistent set of principles and policies, and devotion to the Warringah motion and his love of the ordinary Liberal …

Oh sainted aunt, not the onion muncher, please spare the onion muncher, so that the Warringah motion will put an end to Captain's Picks and Anointments and the rule of King Henry "SloMo" the Eighth ...

And so to the remaining dog botherer gobbet …

Insider sneering and partisan pointscoring? 

Would that be the same as complete memory loss about the Warringah motion, accompanied by the labelling of the un-anointed one as a bully, while reassuring anybody who cared that Mundine wasn't one of 'them', and would toe the line when it came to Oz day, and possibly even dinkum clean Oz coal, oi, oi, oi …

Phew, that's a relief, because this day the lizard Oz featured a loon in full featherless flight … top of the page ma, top of the page …

It doesn't seem to have occurred to these loons that not so long ago, little Johnny and his mob were pushing to legislate to protect traditional marriage … and look where that got them …because you can take a vow to stay hitched until the end of time, and then there's divorce ...

A holy trinity? Icons? Now is the time?

The pond should have realised it was just a loon of the narcissist kind doing a little attention-seeking, aided and abetted by some rhetorical navel-gazing ...

Just another loon from the west … apparently it's full of them, though as the Donald might say, there are probably good people as well …

More at their ABC here, featuring a very small and vocal minority seeking to create division for political gain …

And so to a Rowe cartoon, and what joy that it's about the Donald, running a country that's more dysfunctional than the Liberal party … and that's saying something … with more Roweing of assorted boats available here …

In which the onion muncher goes missing and unfortunately Dame Slap returns ...

The pond was full of admiration for the way that the onion muncher led the internal feud reported in today's reptile rag, and saturated the lizard Oz with his howls of protest …

Just kidding, as Colbert is wont to say. 

The onion muncher went MIA …see if he's anywhere to be found in the reptile story, a sad decline from the onion muncher's daily protests and indignant yowls in his Malware glory days ...

The pond has no dog in the fight, but what fun to see it go down … all to get a former Labor party president a seat in parliament for the SloMo team…

Remember those solemn days in an alternative universe?

Ah yes, the futtock Ruddoch was put in charge …but what talk there was of motions (party motions that is) and Warringahs and roll-backs and party members ...

The onion muncher likely to be unhappy? What a sweet puss he is, how softly he purrs ...

Yes that was then, with the valiant onion muncher and brave Jim lad doing their very best, but alas, alack, where are they now? Please, keep scouring the reptile story for a sighting ...

Ah, the futtock Ruddoch with a lame excuse, but where's the onion muncher? Well the pond only selected this gobbet because of the splendid photo it contained …the full story can be found at what was once known as Fairfax here …

See how grimly determined he was, lo, how righteous he looked ...

Brave Jim lad, where is he now? 

But the pond waits with baited, or even bated, breath, for news that the onion muncher has split from the Liberal party and is now an independent member for the Warringah motion ...

Here, have a  Rowe cartoon, with more Rowe served up here …

Did you spot the onion muncher, down in steerage?

And here, have a celebratory tweet …

Hang on, how did prattling Polonius get into that one?

Never mind, there's more dirty work to be done, and so to the pond's official business for the day. 

You see, Dame Slap has returned, and the pond is duty bound to honour the return …with the reptiles giving her digital top spot as a sign that this is an earth-shattering reminder the new year is now officially under way ...

Frankly the pond was deeply disappointed with the outing, full of only fair average trolling of a typically Slappian kind, resonant with acid taste on the tongue and a lingering hint of bile on the back palate.

Spoiler alert, all it involved was hailing little Johnny as a feminist warrior and trashing women whom Dame Slap disliked, with her patented form of rampant bitchiness …

The pond decided it would do the presentation, but would put in a few MAGA cartoons, in honour of the glory days of Dame Slap when she donned a MAGA cap and slipped into the streets of New York to celebrate the arrival of the Donald, because he was going to make chairman Rupert great again …

Yes, in her glory days, the Dame was a climate denialist, world government conspiracy theorist, please don't judge her if she begins the year with a cat fight, or at least a goodly dose of cattiness ...

You see? Little Johnny a feminist warrior, even though certain women don't deserve it, because they're not Dame Slap's kind of woman …

Here, have a cartoon celebrating a Slappian woman of the first water …

And so to another chunk of Dame Slap, but the pond is making it a big chunk, just to get it out of the way as quickly as possible …

Yes, she's alright Jill, she did what Jack thought was right, and so here's another cartoon …

Luckily the reptiles slipped a dour photo into the next chunk to provide another visual break … remember never miss a chance to berate a unionist … why there are reds within the Liberal party, and possibly even Warren Mundine ...

After reading all that, is there anyone who fails to understand why Dame Slap was so excited that a pussy grabber had got the top job, and so she rushed into the street with a MAGA cap on to celebrate?

Well the pond has done its duty, and got through Dame Slap, and there's just a little chunk of bile to go … and perhaps as the year wears on, she'll get back into top form …

Just remember, if Dame Groan was hauling in 357k a year for her patented brand of nonsense, how much are the reptiles forking over for Dame Slap? Speaking of golden skirts, as we must ...

Yes, yes,  there you go, as promised, little Johnny, feminist warrior, and the Donald a bigly hit, and Adelaide enjoying warm weather thanks to Dame Slap's science, and Warren Mundine for Nowra, and the onion muncher nowhere to be found, and brave Jim lad in  a funk, and … oh, and it's all too rich for the pond, it's just too bloody rich …

Is there any solution to the madness? Of course there is … do a Mitch …

In which the pond does a reptile potpourri ...

 

Poor old Cameron, didn't he sound glum, but wasn't Rosie terribly enthusiastic, though the pond thought that Australia and the EU were in negotiations for a free trade agreement, so if the point of leaving the EU was to revive the empire, it rather missed the point …

Why if the Poms had stayed in the EU, they could have had a free trade deal, and Australia would have shipped back the wool and the coal and scored steak knives from Sheffield and suits from Savile Row and saluted the flag …and sorry, it's just another early morning pond waking nightmare ...

Meanwhile, the reptiles attempted a bit of balance …

… but really it only eggs them on. Print the controversy is the reptile game …the pond had no time for the Plimer, coming as he did in the middle of a heat wave, and now there's another one coming, and the reptiles want to pretend they're balanced, as opposed to climate denialist dinkum clean Oz coal lovers?

Oi, oi, oi to that ...

Meanwhile, to borrow Colbert's game, the hunt for the Ramsay centre is starting to look like a search for the snark …

"Just the place for a Ramsay centre! I have said it twice:
   That alone should encourage the crew.
Just the place for a Ramsay centre! I have said it thrice:
   What I tell you three times is true."

Funny, the pond thought it was going to the 'Gong, but it seems it's going everywhere, anywhere and nowhere …

But enough of Snarks and Ramsay centres, it's on with the reading for the day …and it turns out that once again identity politics has reared its ugly head and ruined everything …

The complete meaninglessness of "quality of opportunity" made the pond hope that the chasing thereof would produce a matching amount of gibberish in the body of the work ...

At its best, this is a monumental lie, at its worst, just plain ignorant stupidity. 

Back in the day in Tamworth, identity was centred on gender, sexuality, race, religion, and our ancestors. That was just the way it was … though it helped to belong to a white trash family to feel matters of identity a little more keenly, though not nearly as keenly as anyone gay, black, or otherwise different to the main herd…

Back in the day, the pond's father, on hearing the name Dragovic, would immediately have a visceral reaction. Wog eh? With all that implied in terms of identity attached ...

This was somewhat ironic, given the lowly status of Irish Catholics, but the notion that Australia has been free of tribes is one of the more remarkable ahistorical delusions currently being cultivated in reptile la la land …

By golly, the pond could spend hours around the kitchen table having a chat about the many sins and crimes of Oliver Cromwell, because the pond knew its tribe … a bloody useless tribe that brooded over events some four centuries old …

Maintain the rage!

And now suddenly new tribes come along and cast doubts on the old world order, and the reptiles are agitated about it? But there have always been tribes …

Sadly the pond began to realise that Denis - funny way to spell a first name, they'd note that in Tamworth in the old days - might be more a part of a problem than any kind of solution ...

Ah, the pond suddenly understands. 

Dragovic is a member of the 'leets, and even worse, he's a specialist member of the 'leets, and a 'leet honorary senior fellow ...

That's how he can scribble nonsense about "the rise of identity politics", which is just another way of saying that instead of just following the mandates and rules of old white men shouting at clouds, there might be other ways of looking at the world … 

Well it's a never no mind to the pond, but so long as fundamentalist Islamics or Catholics or angry Sydney Anglicans (with their complimentary women) think they can consign gays to hell with gay, carefree abandon, or designate women as wicked witches of the west, things are going to stay a little heated …

Those genies are out of the bottle and long gone …and as for that "chasing quality of opportunity" header? Yep, there in the text is the proposal that it's actually supposed to be about "equality of opportunity", albeit by different paths and means, presented in a way that purports to be even-handed, but really ends up being a plaintive cry for the good old days of the bigot  …

And now for a little of the blame game …

There are possibly a few innocents amongst us who might have thought that the British had something to do with the current Brexit follies. 

Not so … apparently it's all the fault of the dastardly Europeans, for failing to lie down and imitate a carpet or  a door mat …

The pond had thought of reverting to yesterday's Oreo as a bit of filler, the sort of seafood extender that's needed to make a blog long and unreadable, but this effort was just so fucking weird that the Oreo  and her fixation on globalism - while scribbling for a global corporate empire of the basest kind - had to take a back seat …

The main point seemed to be the chance it gave the subs to do a joke about Brussels sprouts ...

The real puzzle for the pond is why the Sexton wants to sound so clueless. Is it appropriate for a man of a certain age to imitate Alicia Silverstone?

But it's not the pond's job to explain the Irish border to the Sexton, or the way that frictionless borders facilitate trade and industry (and make the EU bliss for travellers).

No, the pond's job is to enjoy the Sexton explaining how it's all the EU's fault … as if anyone, even the British, should accept responsibility for David Cameron's existence. That one's on his parents ...

Indeed, indeed. Why not just abandon the EU altogether? Why not revert to the tribal nation states of yore? Why not just bung on a third world war …

It's all possible in the mindless blame gaming of the Sexton. Remember, next time you sign up for a deal, expect the other party to act like a piece of carpet, wipe your feet as your please, and leave any time you like, and all will be well …or not ...

And that brings the pond to a special lizard Oz editorial, but first a little nostalgia.

Back in the day, it used to be that every child in New South Wales had to do swimming lessons. It was the way it went, no excuses, no exemptions, government mandated and teacher and school led, and until you could swim across the pool and back, you kept being tortured …

The pond hated it, but it was considered part of being dinkum true blue Oz … suntanned lifesavers, the Australian crawl, and all that …

Not to be able to swim was about as unpatriotic as disliking Vegemite, lamingtons and scones …

And now this …

Dear sweet long absent lord, Ming the merciless would be rolling in his grave …

Gravely, fully aware of what it was saying, the pond must pronounce that the lizard Oz is unAustralian …anti-Menzies, anti the 1950s, anti bronzed lifesavers, anti beach, anti pool, anti the Australian dream of government-instructed swimmers, why perhaps even anti the Australian crawl ...

Finally the pond must do the set-up work for the Rowe cartoon of the day, involving a mystery as deep and as perplexing as the Marie Deare … or the drear Petie boy … a mystery that has haunted reptiles for years …

And so on and endlessly on, a bit like asking about the fate of the Cheshire cat …

Rowe seems to have discerned another move in the mystery, and the pond always pays attention to Rowe, with more Rowe mysteries solved here …

Dear sweet long absent lord, it's true …

… the country is truly fucked … 

Which reptile was responsible for this dribble?

The oscillating fan?

The pond is sorry it asked … so many fools, so little time ...perhaps Mr Shepherd should have left the pond to drown in that swimming pool in Tamworth so long ago ...