Thursday, August 25, 2016

A double dose of bromancer get cracking action and everything's right for the year 2050 ...



The pond is in a celebratory mood today - is there a better time to understand the difference between the taxpayers and the non-taxpayers, the new divide between the taxed and the taxed-nots, which isn’t to say the decent rich and the wretched, idle, "brought it on all on themselves" poor, but is more of a re-booting, a re-branding, a clearer, cleaner and much better way of explaining the difference between lifters and leaners, the old divide that has always existed between the taxed and the damned bludging, leaning, layabout taxed-nots ...?

But rather than brood about domestic matters, the pond thought the time was right to get cracking and consider urgent action in all matters defensive, and who better than the bromancer as a guide.

Yes, Thursday is the best day of all, because it’s the day the bromancer sorts out the nation’s problems, and celebrates the way the fixer poodle fixes everything.


There's very little doubt the United States will hand over everything to the poodle and Australia, and how shocking that we have only 1250 marines in the north, when really we need 2500, or frankly all is lost and the Chinese will sweep through like a ravaging horde of locusts from the north ...

Well the Donald will have something to say about the miserly behaviour of Malware's mob ...you want protection, you pay the bill, that's the new racket.

Now let them feel the taste of the bromancer's lash urging them to action stations ...


Yes, get cracking!

We need to make sure we have those subs in place like some other masterpieces of French war construction ...


Surely that makes this headline very unfair?


With another bloated budget looming next week that could further undermine Australia's AAA credit rating, it is opportune to reflect on the integrity of the Turnbull government's bold decision to punt $50 billion on building 12 French submarine "concepts" that have yet to be designed, produced or proven in the water.
Here the Australian Strategic Policy Institute's Mark Thomson highlights that the assumed "$50 billion spend comes from the Defence White Paper and only accounts for the design and construction costs – not many other very expensive variables including ongoing maintenance, armament, crewing and the costly combat system". 
A conservative reckoning is that the subs' total lifetime costs could be 50 per cent to 100 per cent of the upfront investment, making this the biggest public works program in Australian history. 
A veritable underwater NBN.

Well we know how well the NBN worked out. 

Now get cracking, gotta have those subs by 2050, when everything will be exactly the same as it is now ...

Some might chose to brood along with that piece at the AFR here,  but the pond had the bit between the teeth and was looking for more pure, uncut essence of bromancer ... and what do you know, it was a double bromancer day and another call for action... 

Aux armes, mes amis ...



Now some might wish they'd scored this instead ...


But dammit, a wake up call is just what the pond needs ...


Granular! Transfusion of purpose and decisiveness! 

How else are we going to get our last sub by 2050, or with a bit of luck by 2060, and at absolutely no cost blowout, when the pond understands the defensive landscape will be exactly the same as it is today ... and we can have our very own Seainot Line ...


On the other hand ...

A superior risk-adjusted choice would have been to spend the $50 billion on building a fleet of autonomous and future-proofed unmanned underwater platforms while also paying America to have her world-beating Virginia Class boats patrol our waters and carry out surveillance on our behalf years in advance of the French subs entering service in the 2030s in the same way the "five eyes" nations share strategic electronic espionage assets (eg, Pine Gap). 

Oh it's all too complicated. Sssh,  don't mention the UUVs ...

Perhaps the pond should have stuck with domestic issues ... and more Fairfax cartoons here ...



Oh and while we're at it and still marvelling at the census, a sure guide to future technological superiority, has anyone missed Harry Potter and the Bureau of Statistics?



In which the Bolter and the Savva square off and only one can leave the ring standing ...


Savva's poignant hand-wringing plea in today's lizard Oz - isn't Thursday the best of all days? - somehow strangely reminded the pond of those lines in One from the Heart:

 "If you wanna get rid of a circus girl, all you've gotta do is close your eyes." 
"Yeah, then what, circus girl?" 
"She disappears. Like spit on a griddle."

The pond has always liked the notion of spit on a griddle, and truth to tell, Savva's plea is a sign of what is sure to follow ...

Stop the abuse and play nice? Sure, if you think spit don't sizzle on the griddle ...


Uh oh. A splendid balanced piece, tidily pointing out that Leak is a bigot (can racist be far behind?) but he has a right to be a bigot because George Brandis said so ...

Oh maybe she didn't quite mean it that way, but then the plebiscite pops up, and it just so happens that this very day the Bolter has also rushed into print in his usual way, baying at the moon ...


Such sensitive graphics, though the pond isn't sure how a gay Uncle Sam got into the mix ...

Now here's the thing which everyone tiptoes around at the moment, but which surely troubles Savva while it sends the Bolter into a foaming 18c font of pleasure.

Where will the onion munching wall puncher stand in the plebiscite? Will he change his  mind and side with his sister?

Or will he lead the forces of darkness and George and Cory and the rest of the braying pack of delcons in the anti-SSM campaign? 

There's no doubting what the Bolter wants - who could stand against the power of ratings and clickbait?


Now the pond should get all the frivolous objections out of the way ...


... to focus on sensible debating points ...


... and the next thing you know there'll be an orgy of dog-fucking the likes of which we haven't seen since Chris Kenny was  caught in the act ...


Okay, we can see where the Bolter is heading.

He really, really wants the chance for the delcons, no doubt led by the onion-munching wall puncher, to dole out the hate ...

Anything less would be simply un-Australian, if you understand that anything un-Bolter is un-Australian ...


Up against the strident Bolter, the hand-wringing of Savva sounds like a maiden aunt offering everyone a cup of tea and a scone (oh waiter, if you insist, with wild blackberry jam and Tamworth cream)...


And there, at the very end, is the hoppy toad popping out ...


Tony Abbott is expert at tearing down prime ministers ... and yet there is hapless Savva pleading for the hoppy toad to abstain.

What sayeth the Bolter? 


And back in the HUN and the Terror, the Bolter  won't hear any idle talk of abstention, and please, no talk of a potential conflict of interest.

The Bolter simply yearns for the onion muncher to be restored to the throne, like a bonnie prince Charlie, for the good of all ...


Yes, there's the sting in the Bolter's tail. The hope against hope, the chance to dream the impossible dream.

The chance to defeat the plebiscite and announce that this is how democracy works, and the many must never obey the few, or even give a toss about them and their rights, because fascism never cared for minorities, and after all, what was wrong with fascism, and oh be still beating, throbbing pulsating heart, the chance to stick it to Malware and for the onion munching wall puncher to emerge triumphant from the fray, and defeat the beast and resume his rightful place as the ruler of the land ...

Oh and let's not forget that little projectile ...

… the extreme Right and the delcons ... adept at dropping bile, then squealing like little piggies if anybody dares bite back ... bully, intimidate, offend, smear ... groupthink always precedes, then dictates, a group rant ... viciousness ... invective ... no fact left untwisted, no insult withheld ... the loonies of the Right ... like throwing bananas at indigenous football players ... wind people up over religion or politics ... inaccurate, unfair or foments hatred ... bigots ... homophobic rants ... hyperbole ... one more excuse to beat up on Turnbull… high dudgeon?

Scanning down the comments on the Bolter's comment on the Savva piece, could the pond come anywhere near that projectile?

Well we might toss in ...

...shrew ...drivel ... a very Savvage outburst ... hysterical (could the pond add, just like a woman?)...hissy fit (could the pond add, just like a hissy woman) ...temper temper ... methinks Niki is starting to get worried about becoming the sole income provider ... (could the pond ask, why is it women work when they'd be much happier in the kitchen?) ... hysterical ranting ...vile person (just like a woman really) ...hysterical stuff ... (bloody hysterical woman) ... what is wrong with this woman? (bloody woman) ...hell hath no fury like a woman whose opinions are scorned ... (bloody women) ...Is there something she knows from her pillow talk? (bloody gossips, women) ...miserable gossip columnist ... fair suck of the Savva-loy ...traitors ... Nikki (sic), get your head out of you know where! ... a very bitter and twisted woman ...totally emotional rant to the point of being unintelligible ...she needs a holiday and a good book (or perhaps a good fuck. Why are women so emotional?!) ...  Is she losing her grip on reality! (most women don't have much of a grip) ...

And so on.  There was so much Abbott love on display that the pond wondered if the bromancer had multiple handles and ran sock puppet style through the comments section.

Oh sure, there were a few comments that resorted to standard abuse (paranoid, hypocrite), but if the streak of misogyny that ran rampant is any guide, by golly the plebiscite debate is going to be a ripper ...

Meanwhile, Malware's singular incompetence in other matters goes on being celebrated, not least by the immortal Rowe, and more Rowe here ...




In which the pond is overwhelmed by helpful reptile Thursday, as the caring creatures sort out everything from national security to the hounds to the insolent Baird ...


How on earth could the pond get it so wrong?

Clearly Thursday is the very best day of the week. Everything is for the best in the best of all possible worlds, though between Leibniz and Voltaire, the pond stands with Voltaire ...

It's what might be called helpful Thursday, because the reptiles are always on hand to help. 

And just look at the help on offer ... a double dose of the bromancer sorting out national security for a government too dumb to understand and always dragging its feet, Gary Johns helping the uppity blacks in the inimitable way that Johns does, because the job schemes that the reptiles offer for hack former politicians shows the dangers of 'make work' schemes, and that's not all ... there's a salty lesson for the readership too ...


Yes harden the fuck up, where's the string and sealing wax and the barbed wire and stockings and perhaps a bit of cabbage. 

Sure it might have been a total, cosmic fuck up, and the reptiles might have faithfully reprinted rumours about the perfidious Chinese, but why all the angst? Carry on regardless, and never mind the privacy issues ...

And there was a lesser Akker Dakker faithfully keeping track of a really important issue involving the homosexual agenda ...


Let's hear it for the fundamentalist Hindus ...

The pond will have to do its best to keep up on this frantic Thursday, and it's a vast relief that the reptiles have decided, for some unfathomable reason, to ignore an actual genuine scandal involving the ABC ...



It is of course a total outrage, and yet when the pond scrolled down through the front page of the digital lizard Oz, there was nary a mention of the scandal, notwithstanding that as recently as May Four Corners had recycled a PBS story Supplements and Safety here,  and at least someone who had worked on the Gruen and Checkout shows realised it was a disgrace 

But it seems because it was a Fairfax story here, the reptiles of Oz are happy to let the wellness be ... so the pond thanked the long absent lord it didn't have to worry about the ABC, and moved on ...

Instead the reptiles were agitated about the same old same old ... the perfidy of Baird. 

Now he might be wrecking Sydney with mega roads and mayhem, but his real crime is ignoring the Terror ...



Remember the good old days? The pond can almost feel a burst of Barbra Streisand coming on as it sings a song of the way they were ...


As for that "vote me out" that was at the nub of the story, the pond couldn't remember a state election being called, and wondered what it was all about ...


Yes, the re-election of a Nationals candidate, or a Nationals candidate pretending to be an independent by the good folk of Orange will really sort Baird out ... 

And that's how you do a marvellous reptile eggbeater ...while the pond patiently waits for more houses to be torn down and more giant parking lots (called roads elsewhere) to be built so that they could move the traffic from one giant parking lot to the next, and the inner west rail lines could clog up even more, so that commuters could experience, in an action art way, what it's like to be sardines in a squashed Warholian can ...

Meanwhile, the reptiles were inconsolable and furious and outraged and agitated and ...


Talk about pique! Now the surest sign that it was all over would be a childish funny photo of Baird ... and sure enough ...


Naturally the reptiles of Oz lined up to support their bro Terrorists ...



The reptiles united, will never be defeated ...

... though it did occur to the pond to wonder  just how many greyhounds and their owners the reptiles encountered in their Surry Hills bunker in inner-city Sydney ...

Why do the reptiles routinely mock Surry Hills dwellers while working in a Surry Hills bunker? Surely it's one of the more sublime mysteries but when the reptiles get on a roll, they really know how to rock ....


And all this before the pond had a chance to get on to urgent matters of bromancer national security, and the plebiscite, and surely one of the weirdest displays of Prime Ministerial follies seen in recent times, with the media tipped off so that the raid on parliament could be filmed in all its fatuous plod glory ...

The pond has absolutely no time for Stephen "great big intertubes filter" Conroy but if ever the massive stupidity and hubris of Malware was on display in relation to the disaster known as the NBN, this surely must have been it ...

The pond will do its best to keep up with the reptiles, but at least, since we were talking of Barbra Streisand, yesterday's wondrous folly and photo opportunity produced a Pope cartoon reflecting on the wondrous hypocrisy and all the blather about whistleblowers, and more Pope here ...

So at least there was a silver lining and a smile to be derived from the folly ...






Wednesday, August 24, 2016

In which Dame Slap bashes the bashers while bashing away ...


Wednesday is always a good Wednesday - oh please, no, not the cornfield, and please don't mention the UN conspiracy using climate science to introduce world government - but before we move on to what is mainly a duty of diligence ... part of the ongoing contemplation of Dame Slap's insights, the pond would like to pause to honour the original real Dorothy Parker.

Lately there's been a revival of interest in the real Dorothy - as this April review of assorted books in the NYRB (outside the paywall for the moment) demonstrates here.

It reminded the pond of perhaps one of the most prescient of the real Dorothy's poems.

Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And Oz lizards cause mental cramp;
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well read Dame Slap ...

But after being primed for the read, it turned out to be a disappointment, a regurgitation of the thoughts of another, with bonus familiar oodles of bank love of the Dame Slap kind...

Even so, it's admirable for its multi-faceted hues, because it really bashes bashers of the big banks while at the same time reserving the admirable right to bash the big banks, but not too much mind, and not in a way that would result in anything happening or any changes being made. 

When happy snouts are deep in trough, why fiddle with snouts or trough?


Yes it's excellent sport, bashing the banks, while deploring idle greenie wretches and Nick X and such like riff raff for daring to bash the banks, and it reminded the pond of its favourite monolith ...


But after a few more feints, surely the time will come when it's necessary to explain how everything's for the best in the banking world, and psst, get agitated about the unions, huge monoliths with growing power.

Yes, there's nothing wrong with a bit of union bashing, nor come to think of it a star chamber designed to produce political propaganda:


Indeed, indeed, and thank the long absent lord we've not seen a publicity hungry star chamber into the union movement in this country, its findings laid out for exploitation by politicians ...

And so to the final chapter of let the banks run wild and free ...



The pond was almost moved to tears at the plight of the long-suffering big four.  

Why the CBA has been right at the front of the suffering ...


You can read that tale of endless woe and suffering at Fairfax here ... thank heavens they always take care of their customers at the expense of their shareholders, and all those malicious tales about bank misdeeds are just outrageous, sordid, common gossip recycled by anti-capitalist do gooders ...

Well it was just a fair average Dame Slap - the pond has been to this well many times before, and it's likely there will be many more times ahead in this difficult time for the big end of town ...


That Crikey story was back in 2008 and was available here, and it licenses punters to indulge in a broad grin, or even a rich smirk, the next time they read Dame Slap railing about special interests and inner city 'leets and all the rest of the windy reptile rhetoric that befogs the lizards of Oz like an Andy Warhol movie about the Empire State building... while humbly pocketing the loot and making out and off like bandits ...


The fog only lifts when you stop reading Dame Slap, or spend eight hours watching the movie, whichever comes first ...

And so to a Pope, with the papal envoy yet to put the banks on his sporting calendar here ...