Sunday, February 14, 2016

Speaking of hand-wringing about a loss of diversity, as the pond's favourite monolithic Ozymandias is wont to do ...

The pond was startled to see that the reptiles of Oz felt so strongly about this story that they were giving it away for free ...


The pond particularly admired this attempt at being even-handed, an attempt at reptile balance by the reviewer:

Without her (Credlin) anchoring the narrative and Patrick’s analysis, it can read a bit like a familiar summary of events. Abbott is a bit more of a known quantity than his glittering, enigmatic sidekick. Conservative readers will baulk at Patrick’s thesis that Abbott was a poisonous mix of old-fashioned values and social awkwardness that put off the average punter, but he has produced a compelling study.

Attempt at balance done, Ferguson offers the bleeding obvious ...

Besides, revisiting Abbott’s comments on women’s role in society, or the time he was filmed biting into a raw onion, one can’t help but come around to Patrick’s way of thinking: Abbott was unable to lead modern Australia because, in outlook and values, he wasn’t a modern Australian. Even though he surfed, fought bushfires and walked like he’d just got off a horse, Abbott’s political consciousness and personal values stemmed from 1950s England, the country and era of his birth.

The piece had any number of splendid comments attached to it, but the pond particularly relished this one from David:

I like Tony Abbott but having come from the UK I think it is ridiculous to say he was culturally a 1950s Briton

Indeed, indeed. He was culturally a 1950s B. A. Santamaria man ... in love with Victorian copper and shocked by windmills ... He only knighted Phil the Greek to please Lizzie, and was absolutely uninterested in British values ...

...Like about a million other Australians, including Prime Minister Gillard, who also came to Australia as a child, I was born in Britain. As well as people, the British Isles have given Australia our language, our system of law and our parliamentary democracy. The conviction that an Englishman’s home is his castle and faith in British justice, no less than the understanding that Jack is as good as his master, have taken strong root in Australia. As my former teacher, Father Ed Campion, used to say of our country: the English made the laws, the Scots made the money, and the Irish made the songs! 
So when the plane bringing me back to Britain flew low up the Thames Valley and I saw for the first time as an adult Westminster Abbey, the Houses of Parliament, St Paul’s cathedral and the Tower of London, I had a sense of belonging, not because I was born here but because our culture was... (oh shush, please shush, why must you always make life hard for the pond as you rabbit on here).

And the pond was particularly pleased by this offering from one wit called Rowan ...

This book and others on Abbott are all very premature. Abbott is not dead yet and I am pleased that he continues demonstrate dignity after being dismissed by his own colleagues. His is a man of traditional values and one value that all Australians should aspire to have, especially some of our sports people, that is being gracious in defeat, Abbott displays in spades.

Yes, he might still rise from the political dead, and so each day the pond goes about with a garland of garlic, a little secular holy water, and a robust wooden garden stake shaped in the fashion of devil's horns ...

But the mention of Credlin led the pond to notice another presence in the weekend reptile rag ...


Well we can leave Charles Murray alone. Anybody who thinks there's nothing irrational about Donal Trump's appeal is by definition an irrational fool ...

The working class, and other classes might have legitimate grievances, but to think that Trump will do anything useful about them roams from the irrational to the delusional, a bit like thinking Trump offers a decent 401(k) plan for workers and never employs undocumented immigrants ...

Who is this wretch?


Opinions differ, but the delusional never die. They just turn up in reptile rags ...

Maybe not evil, maybe just fatuous ...

Never mind, it was the presence of Loughnane that inspired the pond to do one of its infamous cut-ups of the William Burroughs kind.

The pond had a left over piece of useless bromancer hysteria, and thought it would look mighty fine put up against Loughnane's musings.

But a warning. This is only for truly intrepid, hard-nosed pond readers, the kind who consistently ask to be thrown into the briar patch, and then, having been thrown, show every sign of enjoying it ...

First to Loughnane ...


And so to the left-over, stale, re-heated, hysterical bromancer ...


Now the ironies in Faux Noise's United States are multiple and vast.

But of course it's not just the ironies as they relate to the United States. Loughnane offers a splendid set of ironies as they relate to Tony Abbott, Peta Credlin, and the disaster that went down in Australia for a couple of years ...



Meanwhile, the bromancer moved on to doing his very best chicken little imitation, without once mentioning the way that Faux Noise and the bizarre behaviour of Rupert Murdoch's very own Roger Aisles has helped produce the astonishing situation the United States now finds itself in ...


And so to the Loughnane predictions.

The pond invites readers and elephants with long memories to check back in a couple of months and see how it all played out, as against Loughnane's guess as to what might happen ...


The pond offers only one prediction. Whatever the bromancer and the loughnane say, don't bet your house on it. Don't even use their numbers in the lotto.

And so to a final irony, and the twittering of a man whose various corporate activities have done much to assist in the ruination of the United States ...


This from a man who for weeks was twittering his support for Ben Carson ...

Well as we're speaking of 20th century drivers of politics, and people who have little resonance with those under 35, what to make of Chairman Rupert thinking it's a loss of diversity?

It's actually a loss of tree killer diversity, and The Independent has other plans ...

The simple fact is, there just aren’t enough people who are prepared to pay for printed news, especially during the week. With our circulations and advertising down, very substantially, the future of our print edition would inevitably be one of managing decline. 
I don’t want that to be our approach; and by being decisive about the switch to digital, I think we can go out on a high. Our last edition will be on Saturday 26 March. 
This newspaper’s journalism, with its unique integrity, intelligence, courage, wit and humanity, is reaching more hearts and minds than ever before. We are read by millions every day – but they are reading us digitally, through their mobiles, and via social networks. I know it is a hard thing to say here and now, but I want the message to go out loud and clear that even after we cease to print, in spirit and in impact this great newspaper will live on. 
We have huge, global ambitions for our website, backed by multimillion-pound investment from our owners, the Lebedev family. They have invested more than £60m in this great institution over six years. Having sold our stablemate title, i, they have the chance to fund the next chapter in our story. In plotting the next few years, it makes sense for them to invest that money in the digital product. To that end we are launching new bureaux across the world and a new subscription mobile app.

There's more here, and good luck to them - they'll need it, because the digital game is as tough as it gets - but at least they recognised the writing on the wall and did something about it ...

So long as chairman Rupert remains at the helm, with his attachment to print, and loss-making publications that offer irrelevant commentary of the lizard Oz kind noted above, wherein old fogies wonder where the under 35s have gone, News Corp will continue to struggle.

You only have to watch the young people attached to their screens as they wander like startled gazelles into the path of motor cars to see where print is heading ... road kill like the gazelles ...

But as their legacy, the old fogies will have helped leave behind a stricken United States ...




helping uncle rupert jack off your debts ...


That meme appealed to the Tamworth grammar Nazi in the pond, though not as much as this Rowe portrait of a Tamworth prize bull ...


By golly that's an exact likeness and you can twitter with Rowe here ...

But this being Sunday, let's get serious, and ask some serious questions.

Is the SBS viewing app the worst app in the world? Or is that being unfair? Is it merely the worst viewing app in Australasia and perhaps south-east Asia?

Did the ABC call in optometrists to help them design their iView resolution? Did the canny optometrists sense it would be a way to make a quick buck out of people complaining about their soft, blurred vision? Well now we know what happens when you get the likes of the Platform or your very own in-house team to design your very own delivery platform. You'd have been better off putting it all on YouTube where the functionality works and the definition's gone through a number of serious upgrades to suit the big screen mania of the times...

Retro hipsters addicted to 4:3 can just go off and watch Rage clips ... and can anyone explain why Rage never back announces its clips with a super? The pond complained to the head of the newfangled version of Light Ent way back when for minute after minute and still they can't do it, and so if you happen to tune in during a clip, and you don't know the artist, you'll never know. Even the commercial networks managed to do this when they ran clips - it's only the ABC that needs the cheap filler these days. Sheesh, even good old bogan western suburbs radio WSFM can manage to identify tracks played, playing and coming up on FM. Not the ABC ...

Oh okay, the pond isn't being serious. It's time to get really serious ...

First up a round up of pond news. It has to be said that the pond was devastated to see that Miranda the Devine had (a) stopped assaulting Morrison and (b) had today's missive posted to her blog ...


It seems that the Terrorists are being stubborn and defiant about the pond's plea to stop the blogs, stop the blogs ...

And over at the reptiles, prattling Polonius was also playing hard cop ...

It seems the reptiles think that prattling Polonius is so valuable and of such interest to its readership that they hold him back on a Saturday so that he might occupy the readership for the entire weekend ...

Oh dear sweet absent lord, so after all the pond is better off going blind catching up on iView ...

Well all we've got say about that one is this ...


But enough of all this, it's time for the pond to get serious ... so let's get serious about tax.

Not long after the pond stumbled across that stunning Rowe portrait of Barners, it checked up on the reptiles carrying on about their prize Tamworth bull ...


Now the pond has come to the conclusion that it what it most loves about, and prizes in, the reptile read is the cognitive dissonance that runs through the brain ...

Now if you Greg Hunt - watch out for the walri got loose in the south paddock - cognitive dissonance, you will discover it refers to mental stress or discomfort experienced by an individual who holds contradictory beliefs, ideas or values at the same time ...

But this entirely fails to understand the comedy value of the condition ...

Thus when the reptiles scribble furiously about tax by celebrating the views of a country town accountant ...


The pond is dissonantly drawn to cognite other matters ...


Yes it says don't play because it's a screen cap, but you can go here and play it if you like, but the point for the pond is contained in that simple note that News Corp was and is the big multinational player in the ATO high-risk category.

So whenever the reptiles get on to tax, debt, pain, and the whole damn thing and idly chatter about the entitled, the pond is entranced ...


The pond always claps hands with sheer delight when it reads that increasing taxation will only put a handbrake on growth and that it's unsustainable for almost half of all households to pay no net tax and that the day of reckoning looms ...

As if the bandits are simply, congenitally incapable of recognising their own situation, the behaviour of the company they work for...

What about foreign-owned multinationals, you might ask them, and still they blather about voters expecting ever more largesse ...

What need of fiscal reform, you might ask them, as opposed to actually insisting that bandits, rogues, thieves and cheats be required to conduct themselves with fiscal probity ...

Alas, the only answer to that lies in the memes, which might just as well be the runes, for all the impact it has ...


That's the difference between Uncle Rupert jacking off a horse, and uncle rupert jacking off a horse ...

Oh that didn't quite work, did it. Or perhaps it did, perhaps the jacking off bit really did ... in a most unique ABC way ...

And so to a Pope, because the pond never gets enough of the genuine papists, as you can discover here ...


So sad, so sad ...


Yep, the pond can't even lay a bottle of wine bet with intimes of the Billista ...

A short serve of fudge a la Tudge for a Sunday treat ...

Naturally the pond is as intrigued as anyone by the new ministry ...

Things will become more apparent over time but the pond is eternally grateful to Barry Cassidy for this tweet ...


Gotta love it? The pond wept tears of joy, and it looks like it's The Insiders or nothing this Sunday, now that the Bolter is reduced to scribbling about sublime voices ...

Other promotions were a delight too for the meme-sters ...


And then there was the Tudge ...

Soon enough the twitterverse was infested with images of the Tudge-ster ...


Wait, perhaps we need to zoom in a little, thanks to another tweeter ...


Yes, there's Bronnie, and the Truss that every man needs, and sweet Sophie, whatever happened to her, and Alan Tudge and Ken Wyatt ... and you can just see that the Tudge - does it rhyme with fudge? - is in close proximity to that sign ...

His explanation?


So we have a minister who's blind as a bat ... or knows how to fudge like a Tudge about ditching the bitch witch ...

I would not have gone up on that stage ...

Oh you hapless goose you ...

And after all that, the pond hasn't even included or counted bull in a China shop Barners ...

Oh it's going to be a good ministry, well at least it'll be good for the pond ...

Saturday, February 13, 2016

There's just time to bang the bigoted reptile drum one more time ...


But enough of politics and the notion of the pond taking a short break, because the whole world is waiting on the cabinet shuffle of the deck chairs on the Maltanic.

How Malware must be pleased that he has Bill Shorten to save him, and yes, the pond is staying tucked safely inside this day in bed, for fear of stumbling across a Shortenista in the streets, on the way to the town hall ...

If Bill turns up on the TV, the pond can be relied upon to reach for the remote, but strangely, the pond gazed in awe last night at The Drum, transfixed like a wedding guest in company of an ancient mariner ...

Now Polonius has prattled in his usual ineffable way about The Drum ...


Well the goose would say that, wouldn't he? If it isn't B A Santamaria, it shouldn't be on the telly. Oh unless it's a doc about Ming the Merciless ...

Ah, the fine, almost lost art of how to be disagreeable on almost everything. Polonius must be in a pique about not being invited to pontificate, or better still, be the host of the show every day of the week.

But no, the pond was startled by the way The Drum seemed to have just discovered the angry Sydney Anglicans, who have transfixed the pond for years ...

It seems that the angry Sydney Anglicans are in the business of sending "mixed messages to young girls", though how the local equivalent to Daesh might be said to be "mixed" completely mystified the pond ...

Wouldn't "straight out bigoted messages to young girls" be more accurate?

Anyhoo, it didn't take long to dig out the offending text, what there was of it, because people discreetly didn't keep a transcript ...


And so on and on, and you can discover the full story at the ABC here.

Naturally the pond was alarmed that some sensible people were also quoted in the story ...

The Reverend Jeannette McHugh said the Archbishop's words were consistent with the fact that "the diocese of Sydney stringently upholds the teaching of male headship, which limits women from roles of leadership within the church and the home, whereby the male is the 'head' of the household and his wife is to 'complement' him his role". 
 "Alarmingly, many men and women in the Sydney diocese believe this is the true interpretation of biblical texts written nearly 2,000 years ago, despite our education systems, the corporate sector, all tiers of government, the defence forces and sporting world increasing their dedication to initiatives that establish great equality and fairness to women," she added.

Well yes Ms McHugh, but if you can't believe in talking snakes and Adam's rib and the garden of eden and submission and silence in the complimentary Calvinist church (free misogyny served in a cold platter each week), what's the point of it all?

How would the pond fill its weekly dose of humour?

Even worse, some people counselled disbelief ...


Outrageous, shocking stuff. If this sort of idle chatter goes on, the angry Sydney Anglicans will be held up to universal mockery, and the next thing you know, the pond won't be able to scribble about the way a real Adam set up the real deal for women way back in garden of eden days because it's all the fault of the shameless hussies ... always ready to fall for a talking snake when all that's needed is that they worship Bazza's one-eyed trouser snake.

Oh dear, the pond feels a spurt of vulgarity coming on, so naturally the pond turned for relief to the reptiles of Oz ...

And what do you know, the lesser Shanahan, the one who should submit and sit in silence, was up off the pew and sounding the alarums ...


Now the pond was heartened to see that, along with the usual reptile alarums, there was reassurance that it was a good time to go searching the intertubes to score a fuck ...


Phew, thanks Bettina, that's high on the pond's 'need to know' list, but back to that stuff about sexual politics causing waves ... and a dangerous cultural push that might see the entire nation go gay, and then where would the sheep breeding programs of the Mallee be?

The pond wondered if it might have anything to do with this little note in The Weekly Beast here...


Happy days (and if you go to the Graudian, you can read there about poor old Kristin Davis, in a bit of television the pond accidentally witnessed while sitting in a waiting room - is there enough serendipity and astonishment in the world or what?)

What a tremendously agile and innovative rag Boris is now running ...

While Bettina explains how to score a fuck, here was Natasha doing her bit for the business plan and for consternation and concern ...


There's a lot more for those who know how to google text, but much as the pond loved it, the pond has to interrupt this service, because in shaggy dog style we started talking original Shanahan and her refusal to submit and be silent.

Well it would be wrong to leave her like a dry stick flapping in the breeze.

The pond knows that the one thing that's certain is that when the reptiles of Oz get into crusader mode, their commentariat will be encouraged to scribble endlessly about the things that shock and enrage the ageing lads in their masculinist bunker ...

Sure enough ...


Oh what fun, to chortle and clap hands with glee about invisible gays. So many giggles ...

But wait, the Christians haven't got into it yet ... there should be Christians ... oh wait, don't worry, the Christians are here ...


Indeed, indeed. If Christians can't bully the shit out of gays, what's the world coming to?

What we need is a Daesh-led 'bully the gays' program ... that'll sort the wretches out ...

As for the young students today?

The pond dearly hopes they can look past the angry Sydney Anglicans and the Shanahans and the fundamentalist Christians and reach a more tolerant world ... though it won't be easy, because the Daesh of the heart, mind and spirit lurks everywhere ...

Was it only a coincidence that the pond finally caught up with episode eight of Simon Sharma's history of Britain, featuring the Calvinist Puritans and rioting Anglicans and the dictator Oliver Cromwell? Centuries later ...

And now, if the pond might pause for a song, in memory of a gay high school student in Tamworth who long ago blew himself away ...




Friday, February 12, 2016

Here no evidence of wrongdoing, no wrongdoing here, just dead dogs, parrots and rams ...


That popped up just after eleven today ...

Maestro, ticking clock please ...


Thank you maestro, now please, off to Canberra with the reptiles and the Fairfaxians ...

Back to the original story ...


No, no, Albo, it's not the parrot that's dead ...

It's Barners at his finest, and he hasn't got a master now, someone to tell him to get around behind ...


And it's only just beginning ...


Naturally the pond contacted Barners for a response ...


And here's a grace note from the Terrorists on another matter ...


And an honourable mention to a certain MP ...


And so it's good night from the pond, Irene, Andrew and Barners ... 

Will it ever be possible to take a break now that the loons bestride the Australian political scene like the walking dead parrots famously featured in many a zombie movie starring Johnny Depp?

In which the pond can't take a break because of the climate for most unique opportunities for Barners cartoons ...

(Above: and more Rowe in a china shop here).

The pope was supposed to be on a break, and then last night on The World, the host of the show - yes you Beverley O'Connor, the pond is looking right at you - advised the pond to keep watching because coming up would be a story about the way the zebra was one of the world's 'most unique' animals.

Now the pond can come at many things, even Barners being deputy PM, even though that brings great disgrace to Tamworth and casts it far into the darkness, away from the great centre of the universe it once was. After all, Barners offers the chance of infinite comedy ...

(And more Mickey Mouse Popery here).

Yes, the Davids are in top form, but the pond was content to hold its tongue. Talk of gravitational waves floated through the body like a Barners' interview voided the brain.

Even the complete disconnection between the Fairfaxians and the reptiles had no impact ... Compare and contrast reptile EXCLUSIVE with Fairfaxian report:



And fish is fowl and fowl is fish ... and so on ...

But the pond was prepared to ignore all this ... until the ABC's The World - yes we're looking directly at you Beverley O'Connor - yabbered on about most unique things, and the pond's unslakable thirst for loonery demanded to be quenched, however briefly ...

It also helped that the pond had been waiting, with baited, or bated, take it how you will, breath, for the first bout of triumphalism to emerge amongst the denialists.

The pond was certain the reptiles couldn't contain themselves for long.

That doofus supreme, the fuckwit in charge of the CSIRO, had set the tone by using one of the favourite phrases of the denialists and bringing religion into the mix.

Oh sure, the fuckwit had repented and gone all abject and turned up in reports such as the ABC's CSIRO boss Larry Marshall sorry for saying politics of climate 'more like religion than science.'

And sure, the fuckwit had gone into print previously to claim that the science had been proved and that there was no more argument and that it was simply a change of tone and emphasis:

"We're not saying that modelling and measurement are not important. We're saying that modelling and measuring isn't more important than mitigation and we've chosen to shift our emphasis to mitigation," he said.

But the pond knew better. The pond knew that the reptiles couldn't resist a little triumphalism, as a way of demonstrating just what tone deaf fuckwits some scientists can be ...


Yes, despite all Larry Marshall's claims, Michael Asten knew what it was really all about ... carbon dioxide's got nothing to do with it ...


Naturally this sort of stuff makes it even more poignant to read 'Maybe I'm naive': CSIRO's Larry Marshall tries again to explain deep staff cuts.

Is naive another word for fuckwit Larry?

Possibly. In this age of most unique animals, anything is possible ...

That tape, Larry, it sounds like an epic bout of pivoting Silicon Valley fuckwittery of the Hooli kind ...

Hannah Scott: So Larry, if we can upskill our people and get new skills in the organisation, where do you see the organisation heading? What's the ultimate vision here? [Image shows Dr Marshall gesticulating with his hands as he speaks.] 
Larry Marshall: Well, maybe I'm naive [chuckles], but I actually think we can grow. I think we can increase the impact of the organisation. I think we can increase the funding and the revenue of the organisation, but we need to be delivering the impact that our nation expects. Again, this is not a judgment call on the quality of our climate science - it's awesome! - but we've been doing that for 20 years. It's time to take action; our nation needs us to do something about environmental change. In fact, the National Science and Research Priorities say specifically, one of our key strategic goals is to respond to environmental change, not just climate change, but all impacts on the environment, and not just measurement and modelling, but response, ie mitigation - take action. That's the major shift that we're doing. I think we can do it, and I think we'll be a stronger organisation as a result. That's not to say that we won't go through pain, I wish we didn't have to go through this, but I can promise you that we will be as open and transparent as we possibly can. Please, be patient with us; this is still a work in progress as we figure out the numbers, but you will be the first to know as we know.

Ultimate vision? Chuckles ... It's awesome?!

No it's not Larry. It's had absolutely nil, zero, zilch impact on the reptiles ...

Prof Asten, please carry on, we have to explain to Larry yet again why the CSIRO has got it wrong, and is totally, awesomely naive ... in the way many other deluded souls who believe in the religion of climate science are most uniquely wrong ...


There you go Larry. They love you, they know you're in their camp, you've joined them and they're ever so pleased.

And happily, Michael Asten is on hand to explain that it isn't a United Nations conspiracy to introduce a world government, as the pond, Dame Slap and Lord Monckton had feared, but instead is a conspiracy fed by the Russian and nameless Asian governments ...



Oh those fiendish, devious orientals, always good for a laugh ... feed them some opium and let's hope they all go away.

Hannah Scott: 
Thanks Larry. Really appreciate your honest insights


No, no, Hannah. This should have been the line if you want a gig at the ABC:

Thanks Larry. Really appreciate your truly unique and most uniquely honest insights ...

Oh and Larry, the pond really does enjoy your stumblebum naivety, it promises as many laughs as Barners ...

And isn't it grand you're both serving the cause of climate denialism?

And so the memes ran free and wild, with a shot the pond first mistook for an old family snap of Uncle Cecil in Peel street ...