Monday, May 30, 2016

Day 70 of MUC and day 23 of MOC, and the pond reaches for an Oreo ...


(Above: or you could find more Rowe here).

Please, don't ask the pond. We'd rather watch paint dry or listen to chalk squeaking on blackboard than watch Malware do his impression of teflon, or Bill frantically reading Stanislavsky in search of an action evoking "sincerity" ...

And please, don't blame the pond.

In a normal world, the election campaign would be just beginning ... we wouldn't already be at day 70 of MUC, Malware's unofficial campaign, and day 23 of MOC, Malware's official campaign ...

The cruelty is all his, and the Teflon will not stick ... it will not stick!!

Instead of brooding about the tedium of the night with the bouffant one ...


...as always, the pond turns to the reptiles for its understanding of the world, and what a fine front page there is this day ...


Naturally the pond had to bite.

Which Labor veteran was looking for a moment in the sun and his thirty pieces of silver?

Who had the reptiles managed to dig up - perhaps exhume is a better and more appropriate word ...


There's a lot more, but that'll do piggie, that'll do.

The pond routinely gets sucked in and routinely is disappointed by the naked, brazen nature of the reptile snake-oil selling ...

This ning nong no-hoper nonentity from the north routinely pops up like a grisly spectre at inappropriate or irrelevant times to do an ancient mariner routine ...

Here he was awhile ago in the ABC ...


Yes, indeed, and the pond is still asking what the hell he's doing here ... except filling up the front page for the reptiles with a bit of idle grand-standing of the more pathetic Queenslander kind ...

Of course De Lacy might have noted the way that the reef is comprehensively fucked ... Most coral dead in central section of Great Barrier Reef, surveys reveal, and the best the Queensland government, busy building ports and shipping coal, could come up with was an invite to Obama to make a day trip down under ...

But this is Queensland, where toads run wild and free, and nonentities like De Lacy hog the limelight, and of course there's a reason, and it's easy enough to find. You just have to flip eyes down from De Lacy to the news from Newspoll ...


Yes, things are a bit tight in Queensland, so naturally the reptiles did their very best dib dib dob best, and dug up the mummified remains so that they could have a decent, right and proper headline for the Monday edition ...

Meanwhile, the pond is stricken, because the dog botherer's rant about the ABC seems to have gone missing, and the Order of Lenin man has turned to scribbling about his jock strap ...


Suddenly the pond was desperate, but luckily it had a much better solution than unleashing the kraken ...



Unleash the Oreo!


Now usually the pond would attempt some sort of commentary, derive some comedy from the Oreo's deep thoughts.

But truth to to tell, of late the pond has taken to reading readers' comments on the reptile follies, finding them far funnier than anything the pond might come up with ...

Of course there are easy shots to be had - the Oreo talking about the entrepreneurial class, when the only visible means of support she seems to have is ranting for the reptiles ...

And then there's the quoting of the onion muncher ... because he was such a wall-punching success ...

It was enough to keep the pond reading for the final gobbet ...


Indeed, indeed, and such is the irrelevance of money to education that the pond applauds the decision of all the rich schools to give up their libraries and gyms and halls and computers and lavish grounds and trips abroad, and to feed their students gruel so that they might learn the law of the jungle and get ahead ... starvation and poverty being by far the best motivator for educational attainment ...

And there it is, another serving of Oreo, with all the substance that might be expected of a thing made mainly of sugar and flour and fat ...oh and don't forget the high fructose corn syrup ... 

Is it any wonder that the pond wishes it had a million Oreos ...






Sunday, May 29, 2016

Day 69 of MUC and day 22 of MOC and the pond revisits old favourite Akker Dakker doing a bloodnok over Barners ...


What the pond finds beguiling is the slow turning, the whirring and whirling in the sky, as the News Corp commentariat come home to roost ...

Not so long ago, good old Akker Dakker was in the McCrann camp ... and every so often the pond likes to drop in on the Bombay club for a serve of decent conservative curry, with lashings of G and T and the creak of leather to see how the dear old lad is making the adjustment to his new Malware-decorated home ...

The pond has noted a shift in tone, through "Even muddled PM is better than bungle Bill" to "Vote Labor in haste, regret at your leisure" to this offering today ...


Oh dear, thank the long absent lord, he's called it.

Akker Dakker's pronounced it game, set and match, so there's absolutely no need to pay any attention during the long weeks still ahead ... that'd be like following the Calvinists, or perhaps the angry Sydney Anglicans down the pre-destinationist path ...

It wasn't so long ago that Akker Dakker was a bit more edgy and tetchy.

Any sampling of the thoughts of the fat owl of the remove about Malware would have shown lots of yaroop garooah ...



Oh he did so despise Malware, but now he's coming in gently on a wing and a prayer and a zephyr to pronounce the election a done deal ...

The trick, it seems, is to firmly hold the nose to block the smell, then flail away at anything or anyone else ...


Yes, the greenies are always a good target ...


Yes, it's not just refugees caught up in a cat conundrum of being bludgers while stealing jobs with their innumerate and illiterate skills. It seems that Aboriginal workers do really spiffing hard yakka in the live cattle trade but when it comes to working in parks, they're a pack of bludgers ...

Who knows how they manage it. Perhaps tt's something about the greenie vibe that makes them chill out in a parks vehicle but turn wild with hard working blood lust herding cattle ...

In some weird way, it's a bit like the confusion at News Corp, wanting to charge for Akker Dakker's dulcet insights at the front door, while giving them away for free at the back door ...


Oh by golly, it's still hard, embracing and holding close that despicable, effete ponce ...

But Akker Dakker closes his eyes and does it for queen and country, no doubt in much the same way as Major Bloodnok once did ...


Thank the long absent lord for Barners and the Nats and Agrarian Socialism.

By golly sir, harumph, harrah, if you dare show your effete, ponce colours in public, by gad and by flaming damn, Barners will take you out like he took out Boo and Pistol ...

Yes, Malware is just Johnny Deep in an elaborate disguise, and it will take a manly Nationals man to keep him on the straight and narrow ...

So this is what it's come to, this is where Akker Dakker has pulled up ...


No wonder the Terrorists are featuring Peta and the Devine, the Thelma and Louise of the right these days on a Sunday ... p

Poor old Akker Dakker, bloodnoking his way into irrelevance ... and with such bad ideas for a movie ...


Day 69 of MUC and day 22 of MOC, and the pond had to struggle past the blonde sex bomb sting to get to the dynamic duo of Peta and the Devine ...


It's official.

Only hours before the great debate - which assuredly the pond won't be watching - the Terrorists have abandoned their specialist "black hole" front pages and reverted to genuine Penthouse Pet sting bombing form ...

It's left to their noble commentariat much lower down the page to raise the spectre of Bill and Marxism ...



This election campaign is so dull even the Sunday Terrorists have gone with the Penthouse Pet and Put Peta Down The Page ...



By golly, already the pond can feel a deep ennui, a black fog of indifference curling around and rubbing its back upon the window panes ... what was the story of the day again?


Ah, that's more like it, a sexy come hither look, tropical winter getaways ...

Sorry, where were we? Ah, that's right, lining up for a simplistic explanation of simple things by Peta ...


Even Mark Latham! Well he and the taxi-driver's arm would surely know a thing or too.

And how shocking to learn we're being crushed by mortgage debt. To the barricades, comrades, destroy the banks, shatter the trickle down capitalist swine!

Oh wait, perhaps the pond took the wrong message from that remarkably fatuous and silly analysis, comparing households to the national economy and urging us all to tear up our credit cards ... or else. 

Hey ho, hey nonny no, on we go ...


Mmm, four legs and John Howard good, but how good to be reminded that Malware speaks "endless guff." And how good to care about everyday workers ...


This from the mindless land of the mindless three word "built the moats" slogan.

Could it get any richer? No, but anyone with an interest might care to read Repeat after me: the Australian economy is not like a household budget ...

...Government expenditure today is not limited by taxation or borrowing but by inflation risk. Government expenditure in 2030 will not be limited by taxation, borrowing or previous debt but by inflation risk. When you’re first presented with these facts it can seem like a magic pudding or a perpetual motion machine but that’s just because we’re used to thinking about finances from a household or business perspective. 
National governments with their own currency bear absolutely no resemblance to a household or a business. All of the frequently used analogies give a distorted picture of the reality of government finances. To get a clear picture you need to peel back all the layers of finance speak, and look at the real economy.

Bah, humbug, pettifogging economist, what we need is a simplistic explanation of everything by a patronising Terrorist columnist trotting out the same childish nonsense as she had her puppet do during his short stint at the top of the wall-punching onion munching brigade ...

But wait, for hardened pond veterans, there's more, because right next to Peta in training wheels was hardened Miranda 'hang a greenie from a lamp post, sniff out a Marxist' Devine ...


This day the fundamentalist Catholic bigot was on a roll, and naturally the pond rolled with her ...


Apologies, the pond had to jam it all together. If it's unreadable, this typical rant, so much the better, and yet there was still more ...


Oh it tore at the pond's heart ... no doubt about it. There's nothing like the sight of a fundamentalist Catholic bigot recycling the views of ancient old men, married to Christ but prone to night emissions, running a 'men only' club and calling it the Catholic church to remind the pond how much better things were in the good old days ...

And even worse, the pond discovered that the Marxists have taken over Canberra, which no doubt explains the national penchant for running gulags and getting divorced ...


Eeek, more here, and is it time to become a fundamentalist Catholic bigot and thereby save the country?

See what you've done, gays, you've ruined marriage and reduced it to Marxist Soviet rubble ... damn you and your bullying ways. Kneel down and kiss the ring of the Pope.

Or quick, have a whiff of this parfume ... it'll pick you up and put a spring in your step ...


And now, in celebration of the impending debate, the pond was pleased to see reports circulating on Twitter that street art was alive and well in the inner west ...



But don't worry if you miss the debate. Anybody who made it through both Peta and the Devine and reached this point have done their duty for their country, and are as tough and as brave as anyone who went over the top to be confronted by shrieking, wailing, keening, caoining banshees ...

Saturday, May 28, 2016

Day 68 of MUC and day 21 of MOC and the major Mitchell and Dame Slap open fire ...



The pond has to confess to a sense of bitter disappointment ...

The reptiles seem to have moved the major Mitchell survey of the media to a Saturday slot, but this is pallid stuff, not at all what the pond was expecting from the most famous Order of Lenin hunter in the land ...



Regurgitating Paul Kelly, Mark Latham, Peta Credlin, and what happened on the Bolter and Paul Murray days before ...? That's it, that's all the proud cocky wrote?

Well it's a living, especially when a plucked galah is put out to pasture, but it reminds the pond mostly of sipping on a tepid brew of weak tea ...

Sure there's moments of comedy, like calling out Peter Hartcher for sitting on the left ...

No doubt he and chairman Rudd always talked about the changing of the underpants, but only in the world of The Government Gazette would Hartcher be deemed a leftie ...

Perhaps it helps a major Mitchell to pose as some kind of bizarre centrist ...



Um, go figure the size of the black hole, or the mendacity of the behaviour, or the uselessness of a major Mitchell cheering on disinformation and misleading calculations as a useful strategy for both sides.?

Truly it's dispiriting stuff, and it helps explain why the lizard Oz deteriorated so much during the major Mitchell years into a kind of lesser Mitchell...



Is that some sort of nadir? Parroting Dennis Atkins ... he believed, he said, he believed ... why a monkey left alone with a keyboard could probably also reproduce Shakespeare ...

Now the pond guesses that the major Mitchell is rusty, having spent most of his recent years telling others what to write, so cribbing, in the guise of a homage and a commentary on the commentators, must have seemed like a natural fall-back.

But it's a dud, dull, dud writing that would have bored the pond, even without a desire to have a go at the plumage of the major Mitchell ...

As a result, the pond had to turn to a reptile who knows how to hand out the slaps ... especially when there are greenies nearby threatening to undermine the entirety of western civilisation ...



You can imagine the impact this had on the pond. We had to rush out in the back yard to check on how the preps for the bug out bag was going so we'd have the readies for the bug out bunker ...

Even stranger, the pond began to freak out when Dame Slap started to make the greenies sound like Donald Trump on the matter of trade and Mexican T-shirts ...

Ford announces a few weeks ago that Ford is going to build a $2.5 billion car and truck and parts manufacturing plant in Mexico. 
I would call up the head of Ford, if I was president, I'd say, "Congratulations. I understand that you're building a nice $2.5 billion car factory in Mexico and that you're going to take your cars and sell them to the US zero tax, just flow them across the border." And you say to yourself, "How does that help us? Where is that good"? It's not. 
So I would say, "Let me give you the bad news. Every car and every part manufactured in this plant that comes across the border, we're going to charge you a 35% tax, and that tax is going to be paid simultaneously with the transaction. 
Now, if it's not me in the position, here's what's going to happen: They're going to get a call from the donors or from the lobbyist for Ford and say, "I take care of you, and you can't do that to Ford." I'm using my own money. I'm not using the lobbyists. I'm not using donors. I don't care.

Indeed, indeed, what sayeth the Dame to that? How does she haileth teh Donald?

...maybe the rise of Trump is a necessary first step, a clumsy one to be sure, but one that precedes the rise one day of more sensible leaders who understand the cult of political correctness is not a centrist phenomenon. While the cult draws believers from the elites, most ordinary people want more, not less, freedom to think and speak. It’s not called common sense for nothing.

No, on a bad day, it's called common Dame Slap confused stupidity ... and for nothing too ...

But now it's back to the gobbets ...


Of course, of course, because climate science is just another kind of religion, and belief in it involves either heresy or faith ... in much the same way as gravity really just involves religious sentiment and anyone who refuses to accept gravity will surely be expelled ... (look, there they go, drifting up into the stratosphere ...)

Ah well, what can you do when stupid people talk stupidly ... 

But we have to remember and forgive Dame Slap, for that sublime moment when she jumped on the Lord Monckton bandwagon and began talking about the way climate science was just a clever way to introduce world government ... yet still has the cheek to talk about the greenies as some kind of extremist group of nutters ...

It doesn't get any nuttier than Planet Janet circling satellite Monckton ... and so to the last of the gobbets ...


Splendid stuff ... 

But when will the Dame admit that she happens to agree with Daesh ... at least on the matter of gay marriage.

Homophobes together in a just religious cause, celebrating the freedom of religion to be bigoted and to persecute ... much the same way, no doubt, that menfolk in Saudi Arabia tend to get a little disturbed when anyone is inclined to flash around the feminist label ...

But that's how it goes in these religious times ... when science is treated as a matter of faith, and Dame Slap can sound just like a mad ayatollah on the subject of gays and women, while berating the greenies ...

It makes the pond's head spin, and since this sort of mind-altering substance costs nothing in the marketplace, long may it continue ...

Major Order of Lenin hunting Mitchell, please take note. Loonacy is the way forward ...

Now remind the pond again what was that bit about fundamental freedom of expression and the fundamental right to speak freely?





Day 68 of MUC and day 21 of MOC and the dog botherer and Polonius do battle over the Turnbull bone ...


There's nothing like starting the day with the sight of a right couple of royal Nemos, and the pond owes the pleasure to David Pope, with more papal pleasures available at his gallery here ...

Meanwhile, the reptiles are in full flight this day ...

The usual pandering hacks are out and about, doing their forelock-tugging business ...


Admirable really ... and lo, behold, the heavyweights, old Dame Slap and new Lenin medal hunting cockatoo Major Mitchell have both turned up on a Saturday, the Dame to slap down the filthy, vile greenies ... and the cocky ... well, the cocky seems to want to parrot Peta ...


So many choices and so little time, and naturally, being full of perversity, the pond hungered for its weekly history lesson from prattling Polonius ... this week doing his Greta "I want to be alone" Garbo impression ... or should that be his Mal "leave his lawn alone" Ware impression ...


Let it be, let it be, who knew Polonius was a secret Beatles lover, spinning the platters backwards for the hidden message ...


And that's how you overlook the central fact of Abbott's deep unpopularity infesting Malware like a dose of the bubonic plague ... 

But by golly, Polonius is in good form this day, re-living the Menzies dream and the onion-munching wall-puncher's success ... while mocking the Fairfaxians ...


And so, with a breath-taking astuteness, Polonius strikes from the record all the many criticisms Malware made of the Abbott government while he was leader in exile, waiting to implant his mercury in the ear of the onion-muncher's leadership ...

Hmmm, what could they have been about, those dog whistles?


But enough of Rowe fun - more Rowe here - because another of the pundits, the dog botherer himself, is also out and about this Saturday, and what a fine parade of hounds it makes ...



Yes, the dog botherer is in full coaching mode - the dog botherer refuses to let Malware be - and the sadly, the pond has absolutely no explanation for google deciding to drop that image alongside the story ... oh the perfidy of the logarithm ...


Yes, it's always startling to see the dog botherer staring out, with the look of a stunned mullet, but let's get on to the core beliefs and the core values ...

First, it seems, we must dismiss everything Malware purported to believe in, these being irrelevant to the electorate's dreams and desires ...

   

At the end of it all, the pond didn't have a clue what the dog botherer was jibber jabbering about.

Malware should boast of his ability to set up tax avoidance strategies in the Cayman Islands and people would flock to imitate him and that would help out the dire revenue situation?

Or he should promote his Godwin Grech capacity for competence?

Competence! Yes indeed the pond just knew those multi noodle cabinets would come in handy for something ...


Now there's competence. New spaces for urban art.

And please, there's no need to worry about other proposed reasons for the incompetence ...


The brightest minds in the nation are on the job, ferreting out the innumerate and the illeterate who somehow made it into the pit ...


By golly, thank the long absent lord there's just enough time for another Rowe cartoon, bless his invisible emperor clothing socks ...