In which the pond helps stray readers who are having difficulty reading Lloydie ...

What with it being the new year and all, the pond thought there might be some newbies, some hapless millennials who stray outside the demographic, and into the lizard Oz, and not have a clue how to interact with or understand reptile cues …

Right from the get go, there's a trap for the unwary player, right at the start, with the splash. Which one to choose?

Unsurprisingly, alarming talk of a new reality and longer fire seasons and hotter, drier climates must be ruled out immediately. That sort of nonsense can only make young uns miserable, and stuff their heads with nonsense.

The pond has a simple rule: always go the Lloydie, it's the only sure and safe guide to climate science being twisted, distorted, and denied, in ways that result in immediate satisfaction.

And so the pond went the Lloydie and what Toad-like bliss and joy … oh, poop…

Now one of the preferred reptile tricks is to make sure that the photo that sets the tone for the story features some greenie weirdo, probably stoned out of their gourd on mystical nonsense and humbug … as above. Just look at here, with that Masonic eye, and the warpath paint and all the rest of it ...

It suits Lloydie down to the ground, because he's an expert in the area …

Yes, shamans, hallucinogenics and humbug are all part of Lloydie's hand-waving kumbaya skill set.

But what do all the words which will follow mean? Can they be summed up, shortened and summarised so they're as easy to swallow as a tab on a mellow summer's day?

Absolutely. Cèrtainement …

It's easy really. Much energy will be expended in the gobbets below, but it all amounts to a simple tale: it wasn't us, it was them, Angus is tops, children are terrified, please, just accept it's all going to be great fun and a tremendous ride, and relax and maybe pop a mushroom in the Peruvian jungle …

You see? It's all the fault of those dreadful greenies, like the one you saw up above that set the tone. Here, have the other side of that mushroom, because you see only on Friday did Jack the Insider confirm the baleful, dreadful influence of the greenies …

Shocking, terrifying stuff.

Okay, hopefully it will get easier from here on. We know who to blame, and don't worry, there's plenty more to blame, so let's get on with it ...

It goes without saying that it's all the fault of the UN, and thanks to the figures fiddler, Madrid was a tremendous success, with Australia playing a vital role in the triumph …

Australia was pushing to allow use of Kyoto Protocol units, for which it drew scathing criticism from other nations, international media and observers. It plans to meet more than half its Paris target via this accounting loophole. Brazil, India, South Korea and China also want to carry over credits earned under the Clean Development Mechanism, a trading scheme under Kyoto. (here)

What a great figures fiddler he is … airfares, wind farms, climate numbers, can anything stop his genius?

Naturally Lloydie wanted to regurgitate every precious word and insight the figures fiddler had recently scribbled for the reptiles. Remember, millennials, repetition is the only way it can get through your thick skulls ...

Of course, of course, how could the pond overlook all those terrible countries? For that matter, how could the pond overlook our prime beef Angus, who has been herding the truth for many years now?

That was back in June 2013 here, and for more on the figures fiddler's obsession with wind, take a wundy Wullington walk here …

And now to another preferred Lloydie source …

And so on and so forth.

There's links here, but we must plough on with Lloydie ...

Indeed, indeed, magical thinking … why it sounds like a shaman getting high on hallucinogenics in the Peruvian jungle.

And now for a tedious bit, perforce involving statistics to prove that Lloydie is a shaman of the first order, and everything is in great shape, and we're doing our bit, and for the sake of the long absent lord, please don't mention that our figures fiddler is inclined to do some figures fiddling ...

Ah, Adani be praised, the old 1.3 per cent routine. It never gets old, and the figures fiddler never tires of repeating it, and the reptiles never tire when reporting it, and where's the harm in shipping out dinkum clean Oz coal, oi, oi, oi, and then blaming others for the audacity of using it, and so ruining the world.

Our hands are clean and pure …

And so to a genuinely terrifying email, which for some reason didn't come from a youngster sheltering on the beach at Mallacoota in recent days ...

Don't worry young un, the pond has a cartoon to hand that explains everything …

You see, children, share a bit of Alice's mushroom in the Peruvian jungle, have a shamanistic fit, and you too will see the light and perhaps the odd burning koala guiding you on your way to enlightenment...

Well it's been great fun, and some song lyrics will set the right note for the final gobbet …

And don't you go messin' with Lloydie or Judith either, damn your cheeky hides ...

You can surely see the logic in this, you dimwits. Do nothing and everything will be well. Attempt to do something, and it will trigger a global backlash and make young people miserable, with much nonsense running rampant around the globe.

Why the next thing you know, these young people without any experience of the ways of the world will end up with a shaman in a Peruvian jungle, and then where will we be?

Up shit creek without a paddle or a cartoon?

Well, maybe without the paddle, but there's always a cheery Cheeryble cartoon to convey in a Beethoven-ish way, joy to the world …