In which the pond goes with the bromancer for a Sunday meditation ...

The pond had thought of doing nattering "Ned", and had him all lined up to go toe to toe with the oscillating fan, but then began to wonder if this was any way to waste a Sunday …

Devout followers of the reptiles could do "Ned" in their sleep … the sky's falling, Chicken Little, headless chook, run about screeching, NEG, a little modest climate denialism, nothing too ostentatious, and done at such interminable length, it would surely lead to fresh demands to shorten fifth sets at Wimbledon and a lock being placed on "Ned's" keyboard …

And just as the pond had lathered itself up into the necessary state of terminal numbness to deal with "Ned", the bromancer caught the eye …

Salvation was at hand, redemption walked the earth, a preacher man had come to save the pond in its hour of need…

Only a moron would try to sell the bible by reducing it to the level of moronic Daily Terror tabloid humour, and it seems the bible, and so the pond, had found its moron …

Now the pond makes no secret of its devout and pious atheism, but it loves the King James version, and it loves a good yarn and sword and sandal movies and such like, and it loves rampantly stupid interpreters of the bible, as in that bromancer line …

"In Genesis, light gets created before the sun, so the sun, so dominant in parts of pagan mythology, gets severely demoted".

Of course Xians are always sensitive about the way they ripped off assorted forms of paganism and Romanism and such like - Xmas, Easter and cannibalism anyone?e - but some manage to do it in much more sophisticated style than the bromancer …

You see, there wouldn't be any light without the actual bloody sun …

14 And God said, Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days, and years: 
15 And let them be for lights in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth: and it was so. 16 And God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night: he made the stars also. 
17 And God set them in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth, 
18 And to rule over the day and over the night, and to divide the light from the darkness: and God saw that it was good.

And now can we get on to the homicidal maniac featured on Colbert recently, given to turning people into salt, and wiping out everybody on the planet in the first genuine apocalyptic genocide, and so a tad ambivalent about the Pope's decision that state-sanctioned murder was a tad suspect?

Nope, we need to spend a little more time in the garden of delusion ...

Hmm, the pond might sound picky but really there's much better verses, ones that have helped create generations of needless guilt …

How about this one?

8 And Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto thy brother's wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to thy brother. 

9 And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother. 

10 And the thing which he did displeased the Lord: wherefore he slew him also.

By golly there's nothing like a good killing.

Around this point, the pond should make mention of the Skeptics' Annotated Bible, even if it disapproves of that "k", because it has a most excellent list of cruelty in the bible ...

And not just cruelty, there's plenty of other stuff, like absurdity and injustice and intolerance and politics and homosexuality ...

Speaking of wisdom and kindness and love, as the bromancer did at the start of that interminable gobbet, the pond should also draw attention to the Skeptical interpretation of a recent Supreme Court ruling …(here)

By golly the pond loves a good old-fashioned old testament bible reading, so it's back to the bromancer ...

Hang on, hang on, did the bromancer just say that "the memory of Ruth lives with us today in the world ruthless, someone who lacks the qualities of Ruth"?

Strange, when the pond went to the dictionary, it seems that "ruthless" is listed as a middle English word dating back to 1300-50, and that "ruth" was first recorded in 1125-75, coming from the middle English word "ruthe, reuthe", which in turn might be tracked to "rue" …

before 900; (v.) Middle English ruen, rewen, Old English hrēowan; cognate with Dutch rouwen, German reuen; (noun) Middle English rewe, reowe, Old English hrēow; cognate with Dutch rouw, German Reue;

But then we're only dealing with fairy stories, and not many people can read, write or speak the languages in which the bible was written, nor have the first clue about the vagaries of translation and interpretation …

There are some interesting books on the subject … the pond currently has Adam Nicolson's Power and Glory Jacobean England and the making of the King James Bible on the bedside table (Graudian review here).

Nicolson had atop his fourth chapter, this from Proverbs 13:20 …

He that walketh with wise men shall be wise: but a companion of fooles shall be destroyed …

Ah well, the pond shall be destroyed, because it's time for some more of the foole … of the kind given to using "yikes" as a form of biblical exegesis ...

And indeed it has produced an astonishing amount of blather, and the bromancer has guided the pond through the tedium of a Sunday meditation in fine style, and now there's just time for a few last words and a plug for the book … even if early Xians were a bunch of pinko pervert socialist commie swine …

4:32 And the multitude of them that believed were of one heart and of one soul: neither said any of them that ought of the things which he possessed was his own; but they had all things common. 

4:33 And with great power gave the apostles witness of the resurrection of the Lord Jesus: and great grace was upon them all. 

4:34 Neither was there any among them that lacked: for as many as were possessors of lands or houses sold them, and brought the prices of the things that were sold, 

4:35 And laid them down at the apostles' feet: and distribution was made unto every man according as he had need. (Acts).

Forget all that nonsense, the bromancer needs your alms ...

Indeed, indeed …much more fun than reading nattering "Ned" …though the pond should probably mention the biblical injunction it believes most worthy of following …

When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child, and I read the childish reptiles and the bromancer; but when I became a human bean - because there's more to life than being a complimentary woman or incessantly talking of men - I put away childish things.

Well it's not quite as originally worded in Corinthians, but it'll do Ruthie, it'll do …

And so to a final thought. Some people can't understand why loons are drawn to cults and nonsense of the Q kind … or Scientology … or any of the hundreds of other cults that have littered history, from millennial beards and tats to millenarianism …

But usually we're only talking about the way that age gives a false veneer of respectability to a cult.

Just remember that your average cultist of the bromancer kind each Sunday partakes of human flesh and human blood, and a cult of the Q kind will seem perfectly normal ...

And now anyone with a favourite bible horror story is cordially invited to join in the fun ...