In which the pond does a little reptile whispering for, and therapeutic listening to, the foam-flecked Dame Slap ...

(Above: that inspirational illustration was originally attached to We're blessed to have Cory Bernardi batting for us, from back in 2014. That's how long Cory has been working to save us all).

Most days the pond feels like a reptile whisperer,  or at least the resident in-house shrink down in the bunker observing the Bruno Ganz-inspired end times.

Sure, the reptiles are professionals, paid to get agitated and reach a state of foaming, frenzied fear in each column they produce, but this surely results, even in diligent professionals, in wear and tear and undue, unnatural suffering.

Look at a sampling of the reptiles in this day's lizard Oz:

Each reptile is in a state of agitation, each reptile is over-stimulated, each one deserves the close attention of the pond, which feels like reaching out in a soothing voice and saying 'there there, it could be worse,  we could all be experiencing the joy of the Iraq you so cheerfully urged needed improving by bombing' ...

Now the pond could attend to things that has caused it to get agitated and go into its own foaming frenzy over the years ...

Yes, one of them is just around the corner, but that story can be read here; this is a space where the reptiles can lay bare their innermost fears and desires, whether it's a concern that the UN is using climate science to roll out world government, or a fervent belief that everyone should turn into ranting, raving, robotic, ratbag right wingers of the Cory Bernardi kind ... because the world can never have enough mindless conformity to mindless extremism.

Naturally, Dame Slap was uppermost in the pond's thinking. Oh sure Paul "Ned" Kelly brooding on the ending of democracy - no doubt through a dose of interminable, meandering boredom in the inimitable Ned style - might be equally in need of therapy, but the pond loves to get Dame Slap on to the couch ...

Who else could think of Cory Bernardi as the voice of the silent majority, as opposed to a barking mad delusional voice occasionally cawing like a croweater wandering down from Goyder's Line, steadily moving south with climate change ...

And as usual, it seems hurt, fear, paranoia, anger and voicelessness are the condition of the silent majority, because this vast formless mass is incapable of actually setting up a blog, or tweeting a tweet, or even forming words and speaking, without the benign presence and help of the always-willing Cory ...

This is the sort of inspirational missive that's likely to get hapless reptiles off the couch and shouting from the nearest church steeple ...

Enough with the lawn bowls. Sure it might be a harmless, pleasant activity, but what does it count against a foam-flecked, spittle-clad, blood-spattered warrior wanting to participate in a Game of Thrones where anyone with a slightly different approach to the world might be skewered, garrotted, beheaded, instead of being numbed with a drug-induced civility!

It's inspirational stuff, the sort of weekly cri de coeur that sees the pond lose its Freudian objectivity and shed a tear of joy.

Allons enfants de la Cory, 
Le jour de gloire est arrivé! 
Contre nous de la tyrannie, 
L'étendard sanglant est levé, 
Entendez-vous dans les campagnes 
Mugir ces féroces soldats LeveToi? 
Ils viennent jusque dans vos bras 
Égorger vos fils, vos compagnes, votre dopamine! 
Aux armes, citoyens, 
Formez vos bataillons Cory, 
Marchons, marchons! 
Qu'un sang impur LeveToi
Abreuve nos sillons Cory! (apologies to the original here).

Thus inspired, the pond moved on to the final inspirational Dame Slap gobbet:

The forgotten people ... the silent majority ... and in a leap and a bound, transformed into Cory's homeless conservatives ...

And never mind the dull, incessant repetition of the same old, same old grievances and saws we hear each day ... that's how the reptile commentariat works and the pond isn't sure therapy can provide a solution ...

Or Jill, as the Dame Slap,  paranoid, rolling down the agitated hill case may be ...please, no lawn bowls here, here no lawn bowls!

And so another fomenting, foaming, get angry and get even column is born, and a plea for a broad enough church to include the barking mad, the Bolters, the Hansonites, the Coryites, rabid Xian fundies, and yes, it has to be said, the Dame Slaps who think that climate science is just a way for the UN to introduce world government ...

Thank the long absent lord that Rowe is on hand to sort out another problem, this time offering a solution to the concerns of the long-suffering Dame Groan ... and more helpful Rowe here ...