An instant classic, a column explaining what Malware should do, following hard on the heels of the stunning success of the onion muncher ...

(Above: nothing like a teaser to hint at content to come, with that teaser found at the ABC here).

A fierce discussion broke out at the pond this weekend.

Why are the songs on Colbert's Late Show always mixed so badly? Whether good or bad, the voices are always recessive and low in the mix, the bass is always bland, and any punch and oomph is always missing.

Compare and contrast the recording and mixing of JJJ's Like a Version. The voices are not always the best, but they're always well recorded, well presented, well mixed. And the sound is good, nicely detailed and with what used to be called 'presence.' And the bass has punch. Take a listen to any of the numbers here on a good system - the pond enjoyed The Cat Empire because of the way brass has made a H and C comeback - then suffer through a Colbert number on YouTube if you dare.

Is it just that Like a Version is recorded with the bands packed liked sardines into a radio studio, whereas in Colbert they're in a television studio? That and a gormless televisual American tendency to blandness might explain the general sound, but it doesn't explain the differences in the voice recording. Only sheer perversity or mindless stupidity come to mind as an explanation for why the voices are given such a recessive mix.

Never mind, it's a first world issue, but at least it's a distraction from the pond's pressing sense that the world is in meltdown mode.

The military might not have been the solution, but it's damned hard to see how Erdoğan is anything but a problem. He's presided over many woeful, policy failings, while nudging the country ever closer to a fundamentalist dictatorial state with dire Islamic overtones. He's made fundamental errors in relation to Syria and other matters, driven the country and the tourist trade into the ground, and ensured that talk of the EU was but a surreal dream. And yet everyone is in the process of rallying around Erdoğan as if he represents some form of democratic opportunity. Well the Americans said that about Nouri al-Maliki at one point, so why is the pond surprised?

At the same time, teh Donald has chosen as his running mate a man who has adopted a creationist view of the world, a matter passed over in The Graudian's pass notes about Pence here. So does the profile in the NY Times here, though it details his many other failings.

There's more on the pro-smoking, climate science-denying, creationist dog-whistling aspects of the h'alf Pence at the Washington Post here ... and all that's standing in the way of a barking mad ego-laden delusional more likely to be assassinated than most, and a barking mad fundamentalist a heartbeat away from the presidency, is Hillary Clinton!

Now you can see why the pond has taken to being worried about sound mixes and why this day it sought out the reliable distractions of the Sunday Terror commentariat.

There's an urgent need for comic relief and sure enough, the Terrorists knew how to satisfy the pond with some great comedy stylings ...

Oh yes, indeedy, indeedy, huzzah, huzzah.

Peta Credlin's plan to turn the wall-punching onion muncher into a winner like Howard was such a stupendous success - what a long and glorious reign he had, how her role in his reign was celebrated by all - that her advice to Malware was sure to be scintillating and full of insight.

It allowed the pond to overlook Miranda the Devine personning up in the adjacent column - there's nothing like an armchair assassin offering advice but no way, not today José - because the pond wanted to learn at the feet of a political master, a consummate player who managed to help Tony Abbott turn into a master politician who endured so long that his name became synonymous with a thousand year reich of onion munchers ...

Hmm, that's not quite what the pond was expecting.

A cliche about the lucky country hardly qualifies as scintillating, when we could have had a line like "After all, if you look around the world, this is still the lucky country and look how lucky Tony Abbott was, and we all need more than luck if we want to stay that lucky onion munching way ..."

Hey nonny no, on we go ...

Memo to Credlin: clichés don't make columns, and governments can create jobs.

It's just a pity when the record of government is clouded by ideological folly and enormous stupidity, leading to stories like Abbott's Green Army plagued by battle scars, dropouts and sackings ...

But enough of old Pope, because there's still much to learn. 

We've only done the first two points and there are eight more to go, and how soon before we get the call to bring back the onion muncher and the fundies?

Indeed, indeed. There's nothing like executive action knighthoods to build momentum ...

As for stop all new spending, the pond knows what that code means. Save superannuation for the well-off!

Okay, that bit about a better private office, and the need for pastoral care had the pond rolling jaffas down the aisle, so sweet it was in its presumption and its refusal to acknowledge recent history in such matters, but it still didn't mean the pond could walk past that use of "shemozzle." 

Now the pond accepts this variant is in the dictionary, much as one can find shimozzle, but the pond remains deeply loyal to "schemozzle", in much the same way that the pond likes to see a 'c' inserted in "schtick" and "schmutz" ...

Why? Well it's just deep perversity, in much the same way as Credlin coyly concludes her list with the notion that a few junior Abbott supporters or the mutton Dutton won't be enough to satisfy conservatives ...

We all know what that dog whistle means, and we all know how well re-instating former chairman Rudd worked out for Julia Gillard ...

Truth to tell, Malware needs the advice of a failed Abbott office worker as much as he needs a hole in his head, or if you will, Dead Pool needed a knife in his head and all that stupid, half-witted, post-ironic referentialism in lieu of a plot and characters ...

Never mind, clearly the Peta medicine was a nifty ploy that lifted the aura of gloom from around the pond's head.

We were feeling so strong that it seemed wise to have a second dip of Terror brew and see what the drink driver was saying about Malware ...

Yes, it's rich that a drink driver should accuse others of being slow learners, but in the meantime, we could learn how the rich were still scheming to look after their own ...

So much for the well off doing any lifting in relation to the budget ... and so much for clever politics. Instigate a policy that doesn't mean much, and then look voters in the eye and explain how you've taken cynicism out of politics ...

And then came confirmation that the Terrorists would keep on giving Erica and others such as the creationist hasty Pastie a solid platform to air their discontents ...

And there you have it, in those last two three pars ... if Malcolm Turnbull held a press conference about Nice and his cure for cancer, News Corp would point out he hadn't cured the common cold, but had spent a million bucks of his own money supporting the Liberal party ...

In short, the reptiles will keep gnawing away at Malware, and the pond felt a sudden surge of relief ...

It wouldn't just be the Senate that would be making the lad suffer, it'd be failures like Peta and drink drivers like Maiden, and at least in this country for the moment first world issues could continue to torment the pond ...

All's well in the world ... oh wait, maybe not, and more Rowe here ...