Wednesday, July 13, 2016

In which the pond does a little reptile whispering for, and therapeutic listening to, the foam-flecked Dame Slap ...

(Above: that inspirational illustration was originally attached to We're blessed to have Cory Bernardi batting for us, from back in 2014. That's how long Cory has been working to save us all).

Most days the pond feels like a reptile whisperer,  or at least the resident in-house shrink down in the bunker observing the Bruno Ganz-inspired end times.

Sure, the reptiles are professionals, paid to get agitated and reach a state of foaming, frenzied fear in each column they produce, but this surely results, even in diligent professionals, in wear and tear and undue, unnatural suffering.

Look at a sampling of the reptiles in this day's lizard Oz:

Each reptile is in a state of agitation, each reptile is over-stimulated, each one deserves the close attention of the pond, which feels like reaching out in a soothing voice and saying 'there there, it could be worse,  we could all be experiencing the joy of the Iraq you so cheerfully urged needed improving by bombing' ...

Now the pond could attend to things that has caused it to get agitated and go into its own foaming frenzy over the years ...

Yes, one of them is just around the corner, but that story can be read here; this is a space where the reptiles can lay bare their innermost fears and desires, whether it's a concern that the UN is using climate science to roll out world government, or a fervent belief that everyone should turn into ranting, raving, robotic, ratbag right wingers of the Cory Bernardi kind ... because the world can never have enough mindless conformity to mindless extremism.

Naturally, Dame Slap was uppermost in the pond's thinking. Oh sure Paul "Ned" Kelly brooding on the ending of democracy - no doubt through a dose of interminable, meandering boredom in the inimitable Ned style - might be equally in need of therapy, but the pond loves to get Dame Slap on to the couch ...

Who else could think of Cory Bernardi as the voice of the silent majority, as opposed to a barking mad delusional voice occasionally cawing like a croweater wandering down from Goyder's Line, steadily moving south with climate change ...

And as usual, it seems hurt, fear, paranoia, anger and voicelessness are the condition of the silent majority, because this vast formless mass is incapable of actually setting up a blog, or tweeting a tweet, or even forming words and speaking, without the benign presence and help of the always-willing Cory ...

This is the sort of inspirational missive that's likely to get hapless reptiles off the couch and shouting from the nearest church steeple ...

Enough with the lawn bowls. Sure it might be a harmless, pleasant activity, but what does it count against a foam-flecked, spittle-clad, blood-spattered warrior wanting to participate in a Game of Thrones where anyone with a slightly different approach to the world might be skewered, garrotted, beheaded, instead of being numbed with a drug-induced civility!

It's inspirational stuff, the sort of weekly cri de coeur that sees the pond lose its Freudian objectivity and shed a tear of joy.

Allons enfants de la Cory, 
Le jour de gloire est arrivé! 
Contre nous de la tyrannie, 
L'étendard sanglant est levé, 
Entendez-vous dans les campagnes 
Mugir ces féroces soldats LeveToi? 
Ils viennent jusque dans vos bras 
Égorger vos fils, vos compagnes, votre dopamine! 
Aux armes, citoyens, 
Formez vos bataillons Cory, 
Marchons, marchons! 
Qu'un sang impur LeveToi
Abreuve nos sillons Cory! (apologies to the original here).

Thus inspired, the pond moved on to the final inspirational Dame Slap gobbet:

The forgotten people ... the silent majority ... and in a leap and a bound, transformed into Cory's homeless conservatives ...

And never mind the dull, incessant repetition of the same old, same old grievances and saws we hear each day ... that's how the reptile commentariat works and the pond isn't sure therapy can provide a solution ...

Or Jill, as the Dame Slap,  paranoid, rolling down the agitated hill case may be ...please, no lawn bowls here, here no lawn bowls!

And so another fomenting, foaming, get angry and get even column is born, and a plea for a broad enough church to include the barking mad, the Bolters, the Hansonites, the Coryites, rabid Xian fundies, and yes, it has to be said, the Dame Slaps who think that climate science is just a way for the UN to introduce world government ...

Thank the long absent lord that Rowe is on hand to sort out another problem, this time offering a solution to the concerns of the long-suffering Dame Groan ... and more helpful Rowe here ...


  1. DS: "...the party of Menzies and Howard ..." And Howard ?

    Oh my, my, the SlapUp! campaign continues apace. But not mentioning The Other Malcolm, of course, no, never him.

  2. There's literally months of long tedious columnating ahead for the reptiles in parsing the subtle differences between Pauline's "tired, angry silent majority" and Cory's "sullen, resentful silent majority".

    In fact, is it too early to predict a clash of the silent majorities?

    It's never been a more exciting time to be an embittered Australian.

    1. The pond rolled a belly laugh Jaffa down the aisle reading that splendid jab VC.

  3. Of no relevance or consequence, but on top of the tedious list of non-existent grievances, but Dame Slap knows fuck-all about neurotransmitters. Throw in a ten dollar word like "dopamine" and the silent majority will think you know something. In fact, the feelings she describes are variously triggered by releases of endorphins, oxytocin and seratonin.

    Unfortunately the dominant neurotransmitter slooshing around in the brains of her readership is cortisol, which is most familiar for its role in the "fight or flight" reaction. The "silent majority" spend so much of their time fearful of "the other", that their production of those other neurotransmitters is depressed (which is one of cortisol's functions).

  4. Oh puleeze, puleeze!..don't put "Ned " Kelly and Paul (the same) in he one title...the former deserves our respect as a fighter of giant courage...the second Murdoch scribbler..(the lowest form of cowardice).The only relationship is the name, of which the former elevated with courageous fight against tyranny, that the second buckled under to with aplomb and speed that commonly gets exhibited when surreptitious money changes hands !

  5. "It (GetUp!) has learned the art of using feel-good language to hijack morality." True that. The GetUp! front hijacks lots of funds and well meaning labour for Labor.

    Scattered shots were fired and Slap scored a hit, so what?

    Slap clearly doesn't get too far in understanding how the GetUp! front does it's thing so well for the ALP.

    Does GetUp! sound like, or have the appearance of the Labor party? Does it have Labor written all over it?

    Why the fuck then is Slap's lauded counter, Australian Conservatives, fronted by a "Liberal"? Bernadi's books are being flogged there, and The Dolt will be in personal attendance July 29th... concessional tickets reserved for IPA members! You'll never find any Labor identities anywhere within coo-ee of GetUp! yet look at Slap's usual bunch gathering close to shout at clouds.


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