In which the brightest reptile minds sort out the planet at tedious length ...

 

The pond is giving serious thought to a re-branding. 

Initial thoughts that have been kicked around, workshopped and field tested include Metaloon, Lunaverse, and Metalunaverse, though the last one was thought a little unwieldy. 

Not to worry, it's just a way of indicating that the pond is expanding to a place where you can play and connect in 4D. Some loser dropkicks without imagination have limited themselves to 3D, but the pond's 'verse is just like what Robert Lansing did in 4D Man. 

Of course the energy from virgins will be needed to power the pond's interactive field, but perhaps clean, dinkum, virginal Oz coal will suffice. Rest assured, whatever name the pond arrives at, it will remain a completely virtual world, with a virtually astonishing, ethereal capacity to float through the ether like a weird dose of meta-ectoplasm. 

In short, welcome to the next chapter of social intermetaconnectivity, and lordy lordy, as a side benefit, the pond will have many things to sell you. We might well make Covington House look like a hack second rate brand, and as for the Goopaverse once known as Facetwitch, say no more. 

This will be pioneering stuff, not just your old 2D blogging, and the pond is relying on the reptiles to lift their game, put their shoulder to the clichés, and join the pond in its 4D post meta wurst, and together we can put many more shekels into the chairman's purse.  

Oh okay, Colbert did it much better  in his weird nerd featurette (beware the ads), and what a relief to discover that someone else is an out and proud Facebook refusenik ...

Meanwhile … what a pity it was too late for the reptiles to get this note before they put out today's tosh. 

You see, the reptiles have gone all-in on climate science, and perforce the pond must follow. 

The pond has winnowed out sundry distractions - Dame Slap feeling the woke, the Angelic one feeling the Leunig, prattling Polonius feeling the comrade Dan. These can be tackled on a meditative Sunday.

That leaves the pond to concentrate on the reptiles concentrating on the science, but the result is a stupendous epic, involving the bromancer, the dog botherer, the Bjorn again one, and nattering "Ned"…

Who should go first in this astonishing parade?

Well the bromancer has turned almost as prolix as "Ned", but the pond has always had a soft spot for a man who can spot nuts in a squirrel's paws from a mile away. 

Take it away bromancer ...

 

 

The pond should note from the get go that it's not going to argue with the reptiles. It resolved some time ago that it was better not to argue, better just to observe the reptiles in their natural habitat and see how they are adjusting to the notion of climate science and climate change.

The tortured twists and turns are a wonder to behold and sufficient unto themselves ... as the news team prepare astonishing EXCLUSIVES ...

 

 

 

And the commentariat lather themselves into a frenzy. Lather away, bromancer ...

 

 

Observers will note the particular relish with which the bromancer celebrates the way the United States, West Virginia, and the planet, are comprehensively fucked ...

Please, more relishing, lots of it, and if the bromancer does it long and hard enough, likely we'll completely forget about the land down under and the lizard Oz's sterling climate science denialism over the decades ...

 

There's nothing like dancing on the grave of the planet for undiluted pleasure, and the bromancer perfected these skills long ago, back in the days when he was in a deep romance with the onion "climate science is crap" muncher ...

Keep on with the dancing ...

 

 

 

Indeed, indeed, and the lizard Oz reptiles really have no intention of going to go pure green, preferring to wallow in indolent luxury. 

Set an example to others, avoid killing the planet as a way of backing up the notion that murder is wrong? Certainly not, no need to take a high moral position here, instead just a certain relish at the doom ... because that'll teach the woke, and to show how the reptile game is played, there's nothing like lying that Australia's record is perfectly respectable ...

 

As the bromancer comes to a close,  the pond was reminded, as it frequently is when reading the bromancer, that it's seen this movie before ...

 

 

 

 

One more quick wave of the hat please ...

 

 

Yep, the planet is surely fucked, and so next in the conga line of reptiles dancing in delight comes the dog botherer, because when you want to do something about climate science, always first turn to a climate science denialist ...

 

 

Well it's a strategy. Shape yourself into an inconvenient questioner, rather than a denialist, and then act hurt about being branded a climate denier or when allegedly receiving some other inane slight, as if calling the dog botherer was some sort of slight, not when it's so taxonomically accurate ...

But if we must speak of slights, how about this one ...

...Kenny is a staunchly neo-conservative, anti-progress, anti-worker defender of the status quo. He is an unrelenting apologist for the Liberal Party. He was one of Alexander Downer’s senior advisers at the time of the Iraq War. He’s been known to argue for stubborn, sightless inaction on climate change. He spits at anyone concerned with such trivialities as gender equality, environmental issues or labour rights from his Twitter account on a daily basis. Recently, he characterised criticism of the lack of women in Tony Abbott’s Cabinet as a continuation of the Left’s “gender wars”. He is a regular and fervent participant in The Australian’s numerous ongoing bully campaigns against those who question its editorial practices and ideological biases. The profoundly irresponsible, dishonest, hate-filled anti-multiculturalist Andrew Bolt has recently referred to Kenny on his blog as “a friend”.

Phew, that's some slighting going down, and all the better as it's a flesh and blood slighting ... but softly, because the pond is only here to observe, and of course the dog botherer is totally on top of the complex array of multidisciplinary sciences involved ...

 

At this point, the reptiles decided to insert an image of remarkable banality, as it to evoke the banality of the dog botherer endlessly repeating himself ... in his usual bom-bastic way ...

 

What does the illustration illustrate? For all the complexities, the dog botherer is, under his 'inconvenient questioner' pose, a staunch denialist ... willing to refuse to take the knee just to prove that he's a stubborn, pig-headed, dickhead ...

 

The pond would like to offer some good news, perhaps discuss the coalition modelling used to devise its non-policies, but instead we're just left with the usual conflation of Covid and climate, and blather about wildly inaccurate modelling ...

And that's why the pond must keep pressing ahead, because there's a lot more to come, not least the Everest known as "Ned" ...

 

Indeed, indeed, there's no doubt about it. Fucking the planet will produce great side-effects. At last all those apocalyptic movies will feel like exercises in neo-realism, and think of the whole new generation of disaster porn that Hollywood might be inspired to produce ...

Think of it as evolving Hollywood, to match the varying and evolving climatic, ecological and geographical history of the planet, and at last the pond will be able to grow bananas in Sydney, while frolicking down at the beach just outside Marrickville Metro ...

But all such splendid dreaming with the dog botherer must come to an end at some point, and so to the usual inane ending...

 

Indeed, indeed, and the pond certainly has seen this movie before, only we seem to have advanced a few frames thanks to the dog botherer ...

 

 

 

 

And so to a little taste treat before attempting "Ned's" Everest ... a Bjorn-again technology sorbet ...

The one thing that can be said for the Bjorn again one is that he keeps it short ... and simplistically simple, because he has the simpleton lizard Oz reader in mind, always ready to swallow whatever meaningless statistical flourish the Bjorn-again one flings into the air ...

 

It's around here that the pond gets to play its favourite game. 

You see the pond has a Bjorn-again jar, sitting aside its Godwin's Law swear jar, and the pond shoves in a little cash each time that the Bjorn-again one scribbles a line along the lines of "what is needed is a much stronger focus on green energy research."

The pond is allowed to stuff in more cash if that's followed by an excruciating abuse of English, along the lines of "If the world could innovate green energy ..."

If the pond could innovate a world without the Bjorn-again one, then it would have solved global warming. Everyone would simply switch, because they'd have suddenly understood the benefits of being free of emissions ... Bjorn-again emissions being a prime example of the dangers ...

 

Well the pond didn't expect anything else - in fact all the reptiles have played true to form.

But instead of watching the same old bomb-riding movie before moving on to the "Ned" Everest, how about a break with an infallible Pope?

 

Oh yes, it's a time for rich and splendid ironies ...

 

 

But that's enough of a break, too many Cormann Kit-kats and the tum starts to blow out... and we must be in peak form to climb the Everest known as "Ned" ...

 

By now everyone's eyes must have glazed over, and that shot of Scotty from marketing holding up a report might have passed unnoticed.

But it created an immediate quandary for the pond. Which was the best joke? A reference to another paper clutcher, or a reference to Scotty's own proud history of claw-clutching?

Oh heck, why not both?

 Yes, that works a treat, and what a progression ...

And so back to the trudging ...

Perhaps the pond should toss a few rum-soaked currants into the mix, to help "Ned" go down a little more easily ...

How about this nice little note in Crikey (paywall affected) ...

 

 

Well you're not going to find any PowerPoint slides with "Ned", nor even a mention of his famous podcast, and so onwards we must plod ...

At this point, the pond started to get desperate, and reverted to another rum-soaked Crikey currant ...

 

But enough of comedy, because "Ned" is still droning on, and that infallible Pope feels like an aeon ago ... and even the reptiles knew it was time for a break with yet another click-bait video ...

Thus far the pond has managed to avoid mentioning "Ned's" Chicken Little tendency to hand-wringing and roaming the backyard like a headless chook, but then the reptiles, in a desperate attempt to break up "Ned's" sackcloth and ashes routine, introduced an image which so frightened the pond, it thought about racing upstairs and clambering under the bed ...

 

Eek. What could the pond do to possibly match that terrifying image?

Well it's no match, but Crikey did offer a splendid sighting ...

 

 

 

Yep, the thought of Tucker and Miranda the Devine creaming their jeans over M&Ms surely erases that terrifying SloMo image from mind ...

But that still leaves two gobbets of "Ned" to go ...

 

By this point, it will have become obvious that the pond won't be commenting on "Ned's" many and varied insights, but that's simply because, once having said "what a boring, tedious old fart", what else is there to be said?

There might be a note about the methodology - boring, tedious old fart bores readership into submission or a deep slumber - but even that's taking the analysis a little too deep for what's required ...

You see, at the end of this elongated journey, "Ned" ends up with a classic "Neddism" ...

 

All that to land on the pond's favourite line, one it once included in a documentary: "much has been done, but much remains to be done."

And don't you worry about the planet. It has to be all about meeting our particular economic, energy and political needs, and if that happens to mean fucking the planet, why much has been done, but much remains to be done ...

What a tedious old fart he is, but to end on a high note, it seems that Wilcox has caught the Bjorn-again spirit ...