In which the pond forsakes its regular harvest of nuts for quality time with the Major and the dog botherer and the lizard editorialist ...

Heart-rending, downright disturbing, no fuck it, outrageously shocking, that this Markle woman, a faux royal, a cheap, misinformed hussy, should talk of the 'Gong as a male, pale and stale university, or at least seek to demean and debase the noble onion muncher and reptile campaign, nay, crusade, to save Western Civilisation …

Hie thee to a nunnery, or back to your soaps, you faux royal, or fear the reptile wrath …why, if you carry on in this unseemly manner, they might turn republican, and then where would we be? How could the onion muncher return to power and revive royal honours, such as the Knight Noble in the Order of Markle ...

But that was just a bait and switch tactic familiar to anyone who knows and loves the reptiles. 

This day, the reptiles at the lizard Oz, and at the Nine rags (which the pond only visits to see the infallible Pope, and how long will he be within the tent?), were in a state of high Tampa excitement, verging on very unique* (*ABC licensed) hysteria …

Oh they were all out baying, on the front page and everywhere else ...

 

Now it should come as no surprise that the government-funded Caterist was at the head of the crusade and that the Oreo was desperately concerned about internationalism, despite astonishing recognition of her academic talents in every part of the world …

But the pond decided to hold over this pair - it's not just squirrels that can store their nuts - because the Major was on hand to explain everything in his usual astute analysis of the media. And who knows, we might hear at any time that at last that pesky, difficult Order of Lenin medal might be found …

Most excellent. A post-modernist, self-referential bout of navel gazing, with Freudian overtones, if that talk of split personality is to be believed, though perhaps the Major was simply referencing a deep love of Stevenson's Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, though the reptile affinity with shameless, barefaced Hyde has always puzzled the pond ...

Unique? Indeed, it should be "most unique" as any viewer of the truly unique ABC would know, but how funny and quaint of the Major not to question "hysteria", because, after all, who could question the  excessively unique deeply hysterical approach the Murdochians have been showing off these last few days ...

Actually if the pond might digress, Barrie Cassidy seemed a little puzzled on The Insiders to see an ostensibly important message to boat smugglers and boat people in general carrying a certain imprimatur …

Apparently these days Pravda down under * (*Vlad licensed) no longer believes in hiding its important work for the Government …

Sorry, the pond didn't mean to interrupt the important work of the Major praising the important work of the Pravda down under reptiles ...

Indeed, indeed, suicide is everywhere, and if it happens in gulags, it's a natural and sensible response … and all the Major is saying is harden the fuck up, wilting flowers, and ... wait, incoming message from Pravda down under …

Sorry for the interruption, the pond realises it's important not to stand in the way of Pravda down under's important work for government (what next, the reptiles rebrand Sky as RT?) … 

Please allow the Major to carry on regardless … and after explaining that a few suicides are nothing, people are killing themselves all over the place, the sensitive possum has further tales of bias and woe ...

Yes, there's nothing like locking people up in gulags for life to send a message, and by golly, when he's not hunting for that Order of Lenin medal, the Major is busy doing the government's work …

… that is, when the Major's not comprehensively up the reptiles diligently beavering away in Murdochian la la land ...

Oh sheesh, poor Major, it was all going so swimmingly well, that love call to his reptile colleagues and to SloMo. 

But it has to be said, even if with deep regret at noticing incipient senility.

No, for the umpteenth time, the cawing Crowe - treacherous renegade, splitter and treasonous deserter from the lizard Oz - didn't write for Fairfax on Thursday morning. He wrote for Nine, a Nine that is trying to sell off the infallible Pope to some outfit that are likely to slash and burn all the provincial rags in the former Fairfax empire (yes, The Canberra Times counts as provincial to Nine heavies).

What to do when senility grips the Major, and there's no sub on hand to correct him? Why turn to the dog botherer for a spot of similar rich comedy ...

Oh sweet long absent Jesus, he didn't just write that did he? He's not forcing the pond into recycling its screen snaps, is he?

That old saw about the physician healing himself really can't work with a reptile as impossibly silly as the dog botherer ...

Transfer this example of the dog botherer's stupidity to News Corp in general, and it really is worth asking why the ABC had to run government footage heavily emblazoned with News Corp ownership …

Oh yes, it's classic pot meeting kettle, and the barking mad dog botherer rabbiting on in his inimitable dog botherer way, without recognising or understand that he's the kettle in the room ...

But enough of partisan Pravda down under hacks purporting to be fair, balanced and objective, and comically, most uniquely calling out others for supposed bias, when the mote in their own eye is almost as large as the monolith in 2001.

All that said and noted, the pond remains deeply sorry and apologetic it had to hold over its two reliable Monday nuts - they're safely stored away - and in compensation offers a few gems from the engine room of the lizard Oz, the editorialist at the heart of the reptile empire …

First there's the reptiles still self-referencing and reciting the work of the IPA, and maintaining the lizard climate science denialist rage ...

That'd be concerns raised by the IPA, Lloydie and the climate science denialist lizard Oz, and don't be fooled by the reptiles' talk of accepting good practice. 

The reptiles are deeply sceptical, deeply into denialism, heavily invested in the science being fake news, and they know this because they have their own form of scientific research … they do a survey of their denialist readership, cultivated for decades with climate science denialist reporting ...

The Australian does not assume that BoM has got it wrong?!

That's all the reptiles ever do. They do it almost daily, they love their IPA, and they assume that the coal-loving, tobacco-cheering IPA is a font of wisdom, because how can anyone who loves clean dinkum true blue Oz coal be wrong?

And now for a little Trumpian bon mot for a closer ...

Actually the Donald won the White House on the back of a pledge to secure US borders by getting Mexico to pay for it … 

But why should the pond care about a notorious liar, such a comprehensive liar that an entire life can be spent fact-checking the Donald's lies … as here, or here, where in 745 days, the tally had reached 8,459, or here in the Graudian doing a story about the exhaustion that the job produces …

And so Pravda down under goes full Donald and full climate denialist, and as the chant rings out, "finish the wall we haven't quite started yet", what to do?

Well the pond is joining Rowe, SloMo and the reptiles on the beach in a silent vigil, praying and hoping for that first sighting that might bring salvation ...

PS watch out for those crabs, they seem to be multiplying …

Oh and some wonder why the onion muncher is still top of the pond page … but how could anyone let him go? Rest assured, he's Western Civilisation's salvation, whatever the Markle's cruel opinion that Australian crabs are inclined to be pale, male and stale …