The pond is a devotee of skilled invective, and has sometimes cited Marina Hyde as a sterling example.
Observing the reptiles in action is also important, so the venerable Meade is a weekly must read in the Graudian. And for genuine British absurdity, the pond rarely misses a cranky Crace.
But the pond should also honour Katharine Murphy, because when she cranks into gear, she's great fun, albeit concerning the impending end of the planet.
There's a lot more here, but the pond just wanted to start the day with this:
...over the past few days, we’ve broken new ground.
Now, the same self-appointed Luddites of the low emissions revolution, folks with elbows sharper than wits, are posturing hyperbolically about policy mechanisms that, wait for it, [narrator whispers] don’t actually exist.
Wreckers have replaced ranting about something with ranting about nothing.
Given this all might sound implausible to anyone still in possession of their sanity, allow me to step you through the past 72 hours.
Michael McCormack, the federal Nationals leader, opened the batting during a television interview on Sunday when he (sort of) advocated carving out agriculture from the government’s non-existent mechanism to reach net zero emissions by 2050.
We’ll get back to the non-existent mechanism shortly, but first we need to complete the roll call. Given McCormack had taken a hapless swing at a shadow, the Nationals’ interminable leadership soap opera then cranked into gear.
Joyce and Canavan Bush Lawyers turned up on cue to one-up McCormack. Matt Canavan and Barnaby Joyce thought they might cross the floor against net zero.
Stirring stuff. A volley of verbs in a wind tunnel of nothingness.
In case you’ve missed the trigger for Flamboyant Incoherence: the Musical (also known as the meltdown within the Nationals), Scott Morrison has been warming up to the idea that the government (might) do something to possibly nudge Australia in the direction of achieving net zero emissions by 2050 – as long as technology magics this transition and not a terrible tax that no one is advocating.
Morrison’s frequent tyre kicking and market testing on net zero is promising for those of us who dare to hope. But substantively, the government’s position has not changed.
Let me repeat that: nothing, zip, zero has changed. There is no concrete commitment, no mechanism, no nothing.
Even if Morrison were to replace his musing with a concrete undertaking to sign up to net zero tomorrow, and was prepared to back that with a legislated commitment, it’s entirely unclear how Australia would get there.
By golly, suddenly the pond felt it could cope with the reptiles this day, what with them being responsible for Barners, the Canavan caravan, and the wind tunnel of nothingness! Throw in an infallible Pope, and it almost felt like the day was done ...
If only it were that easy, but this day the pond was confronted with a cruel bromancer choice - go with the lad dissing the WHO report (which is not yet a report, but never mind), or watch as the bromancer fell into line with a military coup, possibly helping explain his anxiety over the Donald's failed coup. What with the complete predictability of the WHO denunciation, the pond thought it should explore the bromancer's nuanced foreign policy ...
Ah, there you go, how to turn quisling, and learn to adjust to a military dictatorship, and don't worry about rolling in the mud, you see it's to prevent a military dictatorship aligning with another military dictatorship ... and never mind that the military dictatorship seems to have behaved just like other dictatorships, because one day the pigs and the farmers will unite to run the farm ... or some such thing ...
Naturally the bromancer would prefer his own hard nosed form of brownnosing - who needs morals? - and when confronted with a military coup knows the right response is to fawn and simper, which is far removed from cowardice, and of course doing nothing prevents any operational incompetence at all.
Thank goodness no one outside the tiny world of the reptiles takes the bromancer seriously, or the next thing you know, the Donald's coup would have been a winner too ...
Here's the pond's handy tip for Taiwan ... become a military dictatorship, and then the bromancer will urge that we tread softly, and do our very best to stop you from falling into the hands of Beijing ... because military dictatorships are terrible, except when they aren't ... and just look at New Zealand for evidence of how military dictatorships can ruin a country, and really get on the bromancer's goat ...
Well that's the pond's bromancer duties done for the day, and naturally the pond turned to the front page of the reptiles for news of the land that made coups suddenly fashionable ...
Say what? The Donald banished from the front page? A blue-collar recovery thanks to grips and gaffers rolling in Hollywood cash? The 'leets are swarming into the land, and the crews with mobile phones are keen to work for Hollywood cash? No wonder the reptiles are celebrating ...
Of course there were the usual temptations on offer ...
Ah yes, precious, dinkum sweet Oz coal, but the pond has heard enough of that, just as it's over the Caterist, at least when the Caterist is fulfilling the duties of a Liberal party think tank, handsomely funded by way of federal government grant to say bad things about the enemy ... bring back diligent studies of flood waters in quarries, the pond says ...
And so the pond took a leap into the unknown ...
Of course not, the pond would never count Republicans out of the running. The more MTGs that are running about announcing that the GOP is now the party of dictator Trump, the better the comedy, and there's also a chance to insert another infallible Pope cartoon ...
An Alien reference! Yes, it was a chance for the pond to shamelessly run a few cartoons while purporting to offer a commentary ...
Andrew Jackson as the founder of popular democracy in the United States? Well yes, no doubt many native Americans would agree ... the ones that lived through that democratic experience.
By golly, the pond loves the cut of this loon's jib, but stay, did he just quote some figures and bring out the inner Polonius in the pond? The pond has been trained by the best pedant in the world, so in a trice it was here to get these figures ...
Oh heck, enough Polonial hectoring, have a couple of cartoons ...
Where was the pond? Oh that's right, on with the next gobbet ...
Ah yes, those with degrees caused the Donald, no doubt about it, which will produce a bout of post-modern post-ironic chortling as we come to the end of the final gobbet ... but before we get there, how about a few more cartoons ...
How did Batwoman end up in there?
Never mind, the pond has enjoyed this trip into Jacksonian weirdness, and now for the big reveal ...
Yes, it turns out that John Sexton is the reason Donald Trump exists ...
Moral? Never trust an academic to have the remotest sense of irony.
Dammit, and that leaves the pond with absolutely no reason to run an immortal Rowe, dealing with local matters, which is all the more reason in this cartoon-driven day, to run it and remind those who made it to the end that there's more Rowe here ...
Why did Barry O'Farrell meet with James Packer at broadcaster Alan Jones' house?
ReplyDeleteWas it to collect his entirely unmemorable bottle of free grog ?
DeleteThe senseless Sexton sayeth: "Joe Biden won 79 million votes in the election last yea..."
ReplyDeleteWell no, mate, he actually won 81.256 million votes, roughly 7 million mote than Trump. Those reptiles can't even check the most simple things, can they.
Ooops, jumping the gun much too quickly there - you'd covered that in detail becoming a Polonian, DP. Though it may have been just a mote to Trump's eye, I guess.
DeleteRTFM eh GB?
DeleteHi Dorothy,
ReplyDelete“I met her not long after her election and she only wanted to talk about one thing - could I come to Myanmar to help train its journalists, or could I get someone else to do it.”
Introducing the Greg Sheridan School of Journalism Online Course on “How to Write like a Murdochian Reptile”
1. Before even attempting to write an opinion piece ask yourself WWRW - What Would Rupert Want. Your career depends on putting out copy that corresponds with The Proprietor’s wishes and goals. He’s evidently hired you because you have shown yourself to harbour ring wing nut job tendencies - DON”T DISAPPOINT!
2. Gravitate TO and Ingratiate yourself WITH any Reactionary, Rightwing Politicians you can find, Domestic and International if possible. Interview them at length by agreeing completely with whatever vicious Neo-Liberal policy they are selling that day. For extra flavour it helps to accept fellowships at Right Wing Think Tanks so that you can become fully immersed in “The Culture’. Remember you don’t have to be an independent member of the Press.
3. Always, Always reference and agree with your fellow reptiles both at home and abroad. It helps with the Hive-Mind and gives the casual reader the impression that there is a large body of consensus on the subject. Also it means you don’t have to write as much as you use their quotes as filler.
4. When dealing with situations where the Opposition may have due to unfortunate circumstance got a better argument both morally and intellectually never avoid the option to attack the person personally. Always play the man or woman or whatever rather than the actual ball. Straw man arguments are a perfect way to start.
5. Facts - Schmacts! Don’t get bogged down in detail or even reality - remember you are writing reality not following it. Also putting in yiddish terms like Oi Vey is quite normal even from an Australian Catholic.
6. Speaking of religion it’s quite normal to intersperse some strange religious peculiarities that you might harbour in a piece that was supposedly about Foreign Policy. Be True to Yourself or at least to your Sky-God.
7. Always like a soldier. Act like you are still a 9 year old who is still pushing around toy tanks and making Air-Fix models of fighter jets because that gives you an insight into modern Military and Foreign policy. Remember a Man in Uniform is always a welcoming sight (especially in Myanmar).
Continues at length or as long as the editor requires to fill space.
DiddyWrote
By heck that's great DW. I can see that if I followed it "religiously", maybe I could earn $360k pa like assorted reptiles did - at least until recently - and even spend time playing golf at Mar a lago.
Delete:)³ The pond was sorely tempted to steal this DW, because it is, as GB notes, great fun. Who knows, it might still be worth juxtaposing with Major Mitchell's musings. A treasure like this deserves a number of outings ...
Delete