In which the pond endures Polonius so it can take off it can get frivolous, sing a song and take off its top ...

 

 

 

The pond can feel election fever in the reptile wind ... but admitted it felt faint at heart at the thought of enduring an endless bout of nattering "Ned" doing his knees up sycophantic routine. 

Instead it seemed easier just to settle for a main course of prattling Polonius, always ready to bore the socks of anyone nearby, but amazingly, less prolix than "Ned", but just as pompous, and much more pedantic ... unimaginable though that might be ...

 

 

 

In Polonius's world, critics are always sneering. With a sinister sneer, the snivelling sidewinder drygulched dear sweet SloMo, and so on ...

 

When you live in a world of black and white, melodrama is all the go... and of course the more straw dogs you have, the better ... and so on with the history lesson, and what better way than to start with the head prefect, the western districts squatter, who unfortunately went a little odd and lefty in his later days, perhaps out of guilt ...

 

That's what the pond loves about Polonius, and his po-faced solemnity. Who else could wonder if insincere marketing types exist in real life? Obviously Polonius has never wondered about the wisdom of purchasing Trucoat, and takes Glengarry Glen Ross as a guide to decent, ethical marketing ..

Let me have your attention for a moment. So you’re talking about what? You’re talking about, bitching about that sale you shot, some son of a bitch that doesn’t want to buy, somebody that doesn’t want what you’re selling, some broad you’re trying to screw and so forth. Let’s talk about something important. Are they all here? … Well, I’m going anyway. Let’s talk about something important. Put that coffee down. Coffee’s for closers only. Do you think I’m fucking with you? I am not fucking with you. I’m here from downtown. I’m here from Mitch and Murray. And I’m here on a mission of mercy. Your name’s Levene? … You call yourself a salesman, you son of a bitch? … You certainly don’t pal. ‘Cause the good news is you’re fired. The bad news is you’ve got, all you got, just one week to regain your jobs, starting tonight. Starting with tonight’s sit. Oh, have I got your attention now? Good. ‘Cause we’re adding a little something to this month’s sales contest. As you all know, first prize is a Cadillac El Dorado. Anyone want to see second prize? Second prize is a set of steak knives. Third prize is you’re fired. You get the picture? You’re laughing now? You got leads. Mitch and Murray paid good money. Get their names to sell them. You can’t close the leads you’re given, you can’t close shit, you are shit, hit the bricks pal and beat it ’cause you are going out. … ‘The leads are weak.’ Fucking leads are weak? You’re weak. I’ve been in this business fifteen years. … Fuck you, that’s my name. You know why, Mister? ‘Cause you drove a Hyundai to get here tonight, I drove an eighty thousand dollar BMW. That’s my name. And your name is you’re wanting. And you can’t play in a man’s game. You can’t close them. And you go home and tell your wife your troubles. Because only one thing counts in this life. Get them to sign on the line which is dotted. You hear me, you fucking faggots? … A-B-C. A-always, B-be, C-closing. Always be closing. Always be closing. A-I-D-A. Attention, interest, decision, action. Attention; do I have your attention? Interest; are you interested? I know you are because it’s fuck or walk. You close or you hit the bricks. Decision; have you made your decision for Christ? And action. A-I-D-A; get out there. You got the prospects comin’ in; you think they came in to get out of the rain? Guy doesn’t walk on the lot unless he wants to buy. Sitting out there waiting to give you their money! Are you gonna take it? Are you man enough to take it? What’s the problem pal? You. Moss. …
You see this watch? You see this watch? … That watch cost more than your car. I made $970,000 last year. How much you make? You see, pal, that’s who I am. And you’re nothing. Nice guy? I don’t give a shit. Good father? Fuck you, go home and play with your kids. You wanna work here? Close. You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you cocksucker? You can’t take this, how can you take the abuse you get on a sit? You don’t like it, leave. I can go out there tonight with the materials you got, make myself fifteen thousand dollars. Tonight. In two hours. Can you? Can you? Go and do likewise. A-I-D-A. Get mad. You sons of bitches. Get mad. You know what it takes to sell real estate? It takes brass balls to sell real estate. Go and do likewise, gents. The money’s out there, you pick it up, it’s yours. You don’t, I have no sympathy for you. You wanna go out on those sits tonight and close, close, it’s yours. If not you’re going to be shining my shoes. Bunch of losers sitting around in a bar. “Oh yeah, I used to be a salesman, it’s a tough racket.” 

Lordy, lordy, where did that come from? There's more of course but the pond suddenly had a desire to taste some real writing rather than just endure Polonius's prattle. 

But then the desire to know if Polonius might mention SloMo's magical ability to speak in tongues to an imaginary friend, his running with the Hillsong mob, his friendship with QAnon types gripped the pond, and it was back to the next gobbet ... because what do you know, without mentioning names, Polonius drew a bead on Dame Slap, who has of late, been attacking SloMo with a scattergun of complaints ...

 

 

There you go, see how Polonius gently puts Dame Slap back in her place, with talk of right-of-centre critics, what with her only being a pathetic board member rather than having Polonius's tremendous experience as a bureaucrat in government ...

And what about that complacent reference to a whiskey or two, in leather chairs in the club of course, while brooding about the way inner city 'leets run the show? (In the pond's day, a dry sherry would have done the trick, but we must move with the times).

Sorry, today's not 'leets day, today's 'get SloMo elected' day, so that all stays right with the world, and those in the know can keep on making out like bandits ... even if they have to buy an electric car without a decent subsidy ... and now back to the history lesson ...

 

Meanwhile, while states still have to run with lockdowns as a form of control to save the Fed bacon, a right wing government of the Israeli kind has already given some 55% of the population a first shot of the Pfizer vaccine ... having begun back in December. (ABC here). Always be closing? More like always be fucking lazy, and slow to move, and Polonius will stand up and applaud, because why not inertia as a form of statecraft?

And so to a little light relief, it being the weekend and all ...

 

 

 

 

Indeed, indeed, and what a heartfelt complaint Gemma produces.

 

Given Gemma's passion, the pond has only a few complaints - the reptile illustrations for Gemma's rant are lame, and Gemma herself refused to admit her favourite sport and after hours way of making a few honest bucks ...

 

 

 

Come on Gemma, be proud, help revive noble traditions and provide a few good illustrations for reptiles looking for that Daily Snail hit ...

Dammit, the Oxford up Petersham way, not so far from the pond, used to provide a splendid way for women to make an honest living, not least the right to wear see through tops while serving customers, and so a bit of the good old jelly wrestling.

Now they have vegan smokehouses and Mardi Gras parties and honky tonk and such like, and where did it all go wrong?

Gemma is on the case ...

 

Indeed, indeed, though what with the passing of Larry Flynt, why no illustrations celebrating the work opportunities he provided for young, fit and attractive women?

 

 

That's more like it, something for the gentleman reader. And how about a verse or two from Frank? The pond did think of Catholic Girls, but settled for an early outing, as a singalong to accompany Gemma's passionate cry for freedom for girls ...

A world of secret hungers,
Perverting the men who make your laws
Every desire is hidden away,
In drawer, in a desk,
By a Naughahyde chair
On a rug where they walk and drool
Past the girls in the office
You see in the back, of the City Hall mind
The dream of a girl about thirteen
Off with her clothes and into a bed,
Where she tickles his fancy all night long
His wife's attending an orchid show
She squealed for a week to get him to go
But back in the bed his teenage Queen
Is rocking and rolling and acting obscene
Baby! Baby! Baby! Baby!
And he loves it! He loves it! It curls up his toes!
She bites his fat neck, And it lights up his nose,
But he cannot be fooled, Old City Hall Fred,
She's nasty, she's nasty, She digs it in bed!
Do it again, and do it some more!
That does it, by golly, it's nasty for sure!
Nasty-nasty-nasty! Nasty-nasty-nasty!
(Only thirteen, and she knows how to NASTY)
She's a dirty young mind. Corrupted, corroded...
Well she's thirteen today, And I hear she gets loaded
If she were my daughter I'd...
What would you do, Daddy?
If she were my daughter I'd...
What would you do, Daddy?
If she were my daughter I'd...
What would you do, Daddy?
Smother my daughter in chocolate syrup,
And strap her on again, Oh baby!
Smother that girl in chocolate syrup,
And strap her on again!
She's a Teenage Baby, and she turns me on,
I'd like to make Her do a nasty
On the White House Lawn!
Going to smother that daughter in chocolate syrup,
And boogie till the cows come home!
Time to go home, Madge is on the phone
Gotta meet the Guerneys And a dozen gray attorneys
TV dinner by the pool I'm so glad I finished school
Life is such a ball I run the world from City Hall ...

Sorry, where were we? The pond seems very distracted this day. Oh that's right, the lameness of the reptile illustrations ...

 

 

Of course it's a great pity that Gemma didn't strip down for the reptiles, just to show she knew how to put skin in the game, and could have made it back in the days when Playboy was a lifestyle choice ...

 

 

 

As for work opportunities ...

 

 

Sorry, the pond is just indulging the gentleman reader, and now must return to the pathetic reptile illustrations, which evoke all that's gone wrong in the world ...

 

 

Indeed, indeed, and while you tell them that, make sure to grab 'em by the pussies. They love that, and what's good for a one time President of the United States is good enough for every man ...

Better yet ...

Well, I'll tell you the funniest is that I’ll go backstage before a show, and everyone's getting dressed and ready and everything else, and you know, no men are anywhere. And I'm allowed to go in because I'm the owner of the pageant and therefore I'm inspecting it. You know, I'm inspecting, I want to make sure that everything is good.

You know, the dresses. ‘Is everyone okay?’ You know, they're standing there with no clothes. ‘Is everybody okay?’ And you see these incredible looking women, and so, I sort of get away with things like that. But no, I've been very good. (More here).

Yes, you too can get ogled by the former President in a lascivious and lecherous way, and what a career opportunity that represents. Why you might even make 130k on a good day ...

And now speaking of that former President, why not end with a couple of cartoons, in thanks for this week's splendid entertainment ...