What to do about FoMO anxiety, and catching the Dame Slap bus ...

The pond is acutely aware of FoMO syndrome ... this condition affects devoted reptile followers, always worried that they might miss the perfect magical reptile moment where their pet puts on the perfect display ...

Today for example, such is the wealth of reptile display in the lizard Oz, the pond will be missing out on the Devine rabbiting on about Manus Island ...

For those afflicted by the pervasive anxiety that they might be missing out, please allow the pond to pass on a tip. Share your hobby with relatives and friends, and make sure you follow other reptile devotees who will always help you stay in touch ...

If you're worried about missing the Devine - perhaps like the pond you missed her exquisite piece on bicycles - why there's Media Watch switching to vaudeville with Deadly treadlies, marvelling at the infinite capacity of the Devine to sound stupid ... or even more bizarre, like some anti-Zionist leftist inclined to colonialist metaphors ... (Sydney's cyclists) are like Israel’s settlers, ideologically driven to colonise ever more dangerous territory.

Seek out other devoted reptile followers - there are a few professionals in the game, not least Amanda Meade with her Weekly Beast column.

There it's possible to find out that Milo and the Bolter are one, or discover this note in last week's outing amongst the reptiles ...

Speaking of Dame Slap, of course the pond just had to turn to her comparison of Malware with Citizen Kane this day ...

Of course the ever so obvious comparison is between Chairman Rupert and Kane ...

But we can't expect the Dame to go there ... after all, it's not easy to mock the patron who pays the piper, and besides, there's an easier mark, a genuine rube, a spineless old jellyback, a Mr Harbourside Mansions to mock ...

Now this leaves the pond nowhere to go. It's not as if the pond is in the business of defending Malware against Dame Slap ...

Some older and wiser reptile watches might think this is unfair and unsporting of Dame Slap, off chasing clocks in her usual eccentric way, when all Malware wants to do is chime NBN ding multi-nodal, NBN dong copper ...

And it's true, it's deeply unfair, but it reminds the pond that the essence of reptile watching involves a lack of shame. 

If anyone's suffering from FoMO, or the even worse condition of the dog that caught the bus or the car - which is to say someone who actually clicks on and reads the reptiles - don't hide it.

Don't tuck it away, or treat it like an unseemly social flaw like a pimple on the face or feel a guilt of the sort arising from being caught masturbating in private. 

Be proud, be out and about, flaunt the interest, tell relatives and friends. Reveal your enthusiasm and your quirky, eccentric, colourful side ...

Soon enough someone aware of your interest will be sending you a link under the header "Moorice."

Sure might might turn out to be Flinty rather than Moorice, doing his usual gay bashing and demanding that the postal survey be set aside ...but what this demonstrates is that you have a friend who cares, even if a little shaky on the details, and that there are avid reptile watchers amongst the gay community in Perth ...

Soon enough your hobby will draw admiring clucks and interest. Did you see the Devine doing bike paranoia conspiracy theories the other day? Lordy, lordy, and what about that Bolter and the Milo ...

Next there'll be the American television comics, telling endless jokes about the Donald, all a little same, because they're all drawn from the same weird and wonderful source ...

And now, peace of mind established, eccentricity assured, it's back to the clock-chasing, Malware abusing Dame Slap ...

If all this sounds tremendously familiar - bashing Malware has become a favourite Malware sport - don't despair ...

It's important to do the hard yards and savour the dull repetitious bits, so that special moments will stand out all the more ...

Even the reptiles themselves are adept at the highlights of reptile watching ... this day, while purporting to mock other reptiles' observations on the Donald, the cut and pasting reptiles reminded the pond of the bromancer ...

And then they had the cheek to end their survey this way ...

Say what? Be wary of pundits who say Turnbull is finished? They've been wrong before?

Nope, not this time, Malware's going down, at least if Dame Slap and the lizards of Oz have any say in the matter ...

And so to a Rowe ...

Of course Rowe puts in a single image - the blissful putting down of an old nag on the back stretch -what Dame Slap blathers on about in an endless frothing and foaming - but that's the surest way of ending FoMO and replacing it with the bitter taste of rubber arising from the catching of the Dame Slap bus ... (and at least there's always some more catchable Rowe here ...)

And so, speaking of the Donald and the Samurais, just compare the jokes on hand here ...