Piers Akerman, the concerned but perfidious celestials, and the claque of lackeys ruining the country ...

(Above: the spirit of 1861, still beating strong in the Daily Terror).

Chairman Rudd channeling Akker Dakker:

"G'day, fair shake of the sauce bottle, the Labor Party used to have the White Australia policy, but now we're inclusive and we hate Chinks and Yanks and Poms equally, as well as anyone else out there who wants to invest here. P*** off! (* we think this means piss off!)

"Down here we reserve the right to change our rules any time we please. We certainly aren't going to tell you what we're going to do."

Now, Akker Dakker channeling Akker Dakker:

When it comes to trade and diplomacy, China plays with a two-headed penny and has done so for centuries.

Akker Dakker on the Chinese failing to appreciate the good things done for them:

For all the nastiness of the opium trade, the merchants from Britain and the other European nations which opened China to the world did mightily assist in the modernisation of a feudal state.

Do they take the credit for Communism and Mao as well?

Akker Dakker cracking a Chinese friendly joke:

Climate Change Minister Penny Wong says the Federal Government is determined “to keep, continue to press forward” on emissions trading legislation because “it is the right thing to do”.

No, it is the Wong thing to do.

Oh you big cuddly Arthur Calwell, you.

Akker Dakker appalled at the Reds under the Bed, in a determined beat-up explaining how the Chinese were Big Brother's Bigger Brother, and eavesdropping on Australia, thanks to the CSIRO:

What has happened to Australian government thinking since then? Letting a Chinese Government company run an electronics shop next door to our most important defence intelligence and operations post is beyond dumb. It is recklessly stupid and must be stopped.

Akker Dakker on China in general:

China is an authoritarian state, not a democracy, and that simple fact should not be forgotten.
Of course, Australia wants to do business with China, as we want to do business with everyone; but the reality is that sometimes we will have to hold our noses while we conduct that business with some regimes.

Indeedy doody. Hold your nose while scribbling furiously about Chairman Rudd's maltreatment of the Chinese.

Ah Akker Dakker. Hits and mammaries, as the callow youths in Tamworth used to say as they clustered around Barnaby Joyce for a laugh or two.

Barely a week goes by where Piers Akerman isn't sounding the alarm bells about the Chinese government, and its commercial invasion of Australia.

You have to think that some Saturday mornings the fat owl rolls over in his bed, sighs, thinks not another bloody Sunday column, what the hell can I file, looks through the wires, sighs even more deeply, then says "Thank the lord for the evil Chinese, time to give them another bashing".

So it's wonderful, rich, and great fun to see Akker Dakker reviling Chairman Rudd for hating the Chinks, when hating the Chinese is prime turf for Akker Dakker.

Sadly that's about as funny as it gets in Deputy Prime Minister Julia Gillard's comment on Australia's currency breaks politicians principles.

Who on earth designed that header? What a gobful, as the boys used to say when they gathered around Barnaby Joyce for a laugh and a spitting distance contest, which is much better than the pissing contests the first thirteen used to love.

We were gobsmacked when we read that solemn header.

Couldn't someone have come up with something more tabloid succinct? Redhead's Blue Kills Coinage. Julia jumps the Currency Shark. Gillard breaks balls and political principles. Bottle red head's brutal currency capers. Women to blame for everything! Including bitchy comments on pissing contests ...

Well we can't talk about dollar bills anymore, we just have coins for the lowly buck, but surely the subbies could have offered up something, anything to remind us that we're reading the gutter trash tabloid ranting of Chairman Rupert's antipodean minions.

As an internationally renowned theoretical economist - rumour has it that Paul Krugman trembles in his boots, shivers and quakes at the sight of Piers Akerman on the prowl and simply refuses to debate him for fear of being trounced - Akker Dakker knows exactly why the Australian dollar is showing a fit of the trembles.

No you silly goose, it's nothing to do with the international marketplace:

Supporters of the disastrous tax (Rudd, Swan, their Labor lackeys and a claque of politically-aligned public servants and politically-beholden economists) like to claim the Greek meltdown has had a greater effect on the dollar than has the local catastrophe. Their bleating only underscores the inadequacy of their intellectual and economic skills.

We're now standing by waiting for Akker Dakker's explanation of why the Australian dollar traded at fifty cents in the dollar back in 2000, in the prime time years of the Howard government. We remember it with some bitterness, it being the year we decided to drive across the United States and pay handsomely for the pleasure. Can you imagine the pain of a ten dollar burger as Americans enjoyed their five dollar outing?

But the most piquant moment remains Akker Dakker's caring concern for the Chinese government:

The admission by Trade Minister Simon Crean, as reported by the ABC last week, that he had asked Chinese officials to provide advice on how the huge industry-killing tax should be implemented, should have been sufficient for this government to admit it had made a calamitous mistake with its gross tax over-reach.

But it seems Crean was simply trying to appease our trading partners, who, rightly, expressed concern that the new 40 per cent tax would push commodity prices even higher.

And why wouldn't they be alarmed?

Oh dear, the poor alarmed Chinese, rightly concerned that Australians might jack up prices and keep some of the cash at home. Shocking. And alarming.

But don't be alarmed, dear reader. Akker Dakker hasn't turned, he's just spinning in a gyre, doing his usual three sixty:

The Rudd government spent millions of taxpayers' dollars on a tax review it received last year and kept secret until the beginning of this month, a review which it then cherry-picked and corrupted almost beyond recognition, distorted elements of which it then used as the intellectual basis for a retrospective tax it had formulated without any consultation or discussion.

No wonder it turned to an authoritarian state for advice on how such a monstrosity should be implemented.

You see! A monstrosity which a monstrous authoritarian state is helping to implement! Those evil whacky devious Chinese ... alarmed yet offering helpful advice!

Simultaneously, as it seeks advice from the largest Communist nation in the world on how best to introduce its economy-strangling tax, the schizophrenic Rudd Labor government is also running a xenophobic campaign against foreign investors.

That will go a long way toward reassuring the Chinese all is well in the celestial leader's rock garden - not.

A xenophobic campaign! Why next thing you know, the schizophrenic Akker Dakker will be scribbling furiously about the alarmed but helpful Chinese government and the schizophrenic Mandarin gibbering Chairman Rudd will be slurring the Chinese as celestials.

Oh wait, that's Akker Dakker, he does it all the time. The dear lad can't help himself, he just loves to drop the term celestial, bringing back fond memories as it does of the riots in Lambing Flat and the crushing of the Boxer rebellion.

The colonial mind is truly a wonder, as is Akker Dakker but perhaps the most poignant moment comes with his concern for the suffering celestials:

Just think on that: our wealthiest ever Prime Minister, Labor to boot, giving the green light to his supporters to send a message that wealth is evil, and wealthy foreigners are doubly evil.

But surely the Chinese government is evil? Wasn't it Akker Dakker who scribbled furiously back in April:

In China, more than 500,000 computers have been shipped with the Green Dam censorship software already installed. Nearly 7000 websites have also been equipped with the program.

Last week the Chinese Government called a temporary halt to the plan after opposition from industry, the US Government and Chinese protesters. Still, the plan has not been shelved.

According to IT experts, Green Dam has the capacity to link home computers to a central data base that automatically screens all downloads for pornography and politically sensitive content.

University of Michigan researchers say the installation of Green Dam leaves computers more vulnerable to hacking and may also be able to report web use to the Chinese authorities.

Damn you, you evil wealthy foreign Chinese government and your censoring ways, you're the inspiration for Senator Conroy!

But enough already. Akker Dakker is great fun when he gets on to the celestials and the middle kingdom and the sons of heaven and every other cliche he can round up from his colonial folk memories of the good days when the British ruled Hong Kong, and any attempt to reconcile the differences and contradictions can only lead to a kind of internal nuclear fission as the particles collide.

What I love most is the simple unalloyed ranting. It makes me wonder - after Akker Dakker has woken up and decided he'll either berate or celebrate the Chinese government and China's thirst for minerals and its consequent intense relationship with Australia - how he feels after he's put down his keyboard.

Does he feel sated, spent, as if he's had a giant Chairman Rudd bashing orgasm, and is now ready for a post-coital slumber? Does he ever wonder at the similarity between his language and that deployed by the Red Guard in their day? You know, like lackeys and claques and the politically beholden. Sure he left out lickspittle, but who knows, surely that day will come ...

Sadly we have a long way to go in the provinces for first class political abuse, mixed in with sundry breaches of Godwin's Law. Akker Dakker tries hard, but he's a try hard. This week's award for a mix of slander, innuendo, and outright nonsense goes to Newt Gingrinch:

VAN SUSTEREN: Continuing with former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich. He has a brand-new book, "To Save America: Stopping Obama's Secular Socialist Machine." Speaker Gingrich writes, in part, "The America in which we grew up is vastly different from the America the secular socialist left want to create, and that's why saving America is the fundamental challenge of our time. The secular socialist machine represents as great a threat to America as Nazi Germany or the Soviet Union once did."

Speaker Gingrich is here with us. All right, Nazi Germany and the Soviet Union. Go a little far on that one?

GINGRICH: No. Because I'm not talking about moral equivalence of the people, I'm talking about the end result. If the Nazis had defeated us, then America as we know it would have disappeared. If the Soviet Union had defeated us, the America as we know it would have disappeared. I argue in this book -- and I think it's a pretty reasoned and compelling argument -- that the fact is, the values of a secular socialist movement are antithetical -- and you hear from President Obama all the time. (here).

Come on, Akker Dakker, come on, come on.

You've got to do better, lift yourself up by your bootstraps, take the ball up the middle, ruck a little harder. Like the lads clustered around Barnaby.

Here's the opening par for your next column:

"The Australia in which we grew up is vastly different from the Australia the secular socialist left want to create, and that's why saving Australia is the fundamental challenge of our time. The secular socialist machine represents as great a threat to Australia as Nazi Germany or the Soviet Union once did."

Sheesh, have we got to do all the heavy lifting by ourselves here at the pond?

(Below: a 1936 Argus cartoon deriding Australia's dictation test, but we were inexplicably and ineluctably reminded of Akker Dakker and the Daily Terror).