Greg Sheridan, Julie Bishop, everybody's doing it, so we're doing it too ...

(Above: here you are, get cracking. Here are the pond, we can't do everything. Everyone's doing it and you should too. Image courtesy of Asher Moses' Passport hacker warns of identity risk, way back when the new ePassport was being hailed as the most secure Australian passport ever. Hah.)

The great thing about lawlessness is that it's catching.

You rob banks? Sounds good, guess that means I can do it too ...

Of course I only do such things for the greater good of the nation, or for the revolutionary cause.

But why am I reminded of the rhetoric in Uli Edel's slickly mounted and compelling Der Baader Meinhof Komplex?

Or perhaps the logic of Julie Bishop explaining that Australia forges passports too, so that's okay, everybody does it, and that's okay, and Israel can do it, and that's okay. All for the good of the country and the world of course. Australia forges passports too, says Bishop. So let's all do it together.

Why if only I'd had that defence handy when picking my nose, or getting my clothes dirty, or giving five finger discounting a quick failed, humiliating go as a child. But, but, but, they did it too ...

Of course it's tricky ground for politicians, the notion that criminality is perfectly acceptable if done for the right reasons. It's so post modernist and relativist. Why the next thing you know some mad coot might think it perfectly acceptable to top a politician or three.

Why the French did it, and they still celebrate their revolution to this day, so perhaps I can do it too ...

It reminds me of the good old argumentum ad populum which explains that if many people believe it, it is so. In much the same way if all my friends, and all the spies and all the politicians are doing it, well where's the harm.

Well we don't expect Bishop to get into deep philosophical waters - indeed she's the kind of politician Edie Brickell sang about:

I'm not aware of too many things
I know what I know, if you know what I mean
Philosophy is the talk on a cereal box
Religion is the smile on a dog
I'm not aware of too many things
I know what I know, if you know what I mean, d-doo yeah

But then if Bishop takes her advice from Greg Sheridan at The Australian, she might end up even more confused, as he scribbles Badly misjudged action will have a political cost.

He doesn't think we should do it too, just because Britain did it too. Expel an Israeli diplomat too, I mean. That was merely done because the Brown government was in its last legs, and had nothing to do with right or wrong, just the upcoming election.

So you can't do it all the time because others are doing it too, but you can in special circumstances do it because others are doing it too.

When those exceptionally difficult circumstances apply, deep down there's nothing wrong with stealing people's identities and forging their passports, because everybody's doing it. Sure the victims' feelings might get hurt, but where's the harm? Identity theft is only a worry for pussies and wusses. And anyway, it's not so much a criminal activity, as an "apparent misuse".

That's what I said to the loon up the street when I nicked their garden gnome. Just a bit of apparent misuse.

You see, the Chinese are doing it too:

Australians ought to ask themselves about double standards here. China imprisons an Australian citizen and there is no suggestion of expelling a Chinese diplomat.

Yes indeed. A criminal case in China involving a man with dual citizenship is a clear case of doing it too. Talk about a hypocritical feint. Why if we could only expel diplomats because everyone's doing it too, think of the fun we could have ...

The Iranians defy countless binding rulings on nuclear proliferation and there is no question of the expulsion of an Iranian diplomat. But the Israelis are accused of misusing Australian passports and the maximum diplomatic action is taken.

Hmm, does that mean that we can do it too when it comes to nuclear proliferation? Perhaps we could become the nuclear demons of the South Pacific, just like North Korea. Because they're doing it too ...

And yes, it goes without saying, Sheridan understands we're doing it too, just like James Bond and M. Or is that Jason Bourne?

The hypocrisy exists at other levels as well.

Well-informed sources tell me that Australian agencies have used foreign passports.

The truth is that in the grey world of espionage many things happen which good friends do not use to embarrass each other.

Indeed. And what about organising a clumsy assassination, executed in dumb fuck style by a huge flock of dumb fuck bunnies, using fake passports from all over the place, thereby resulting in good friends all over the place getting embarrassed? Is this Mossad or the bloody hopeless hapless comedians at the CIA?

Can I barf and upchuck over everyone in the party - in the Australian vernacular and style - and no one will be much embarrassed, because my good friends are doing it too?

But wait, the dissembling and impeccable illogicality of Mr. Sheridan are not yet exhausted.

The tone and content of Mr Smith's statement yesterday are also perplexing. For some reason he refers to the killing of the Hamas terrorist as murder, as though that were the end of the moral equation.

Hamas is committed to murderous terrorism directed at killing Israeli civilians. It is a proscribed terrorist organisation.

Australian troops in Afghanistan have targeted al-Qa'ida leaders personally and directly in missions to kill these leaders. In Mr Smith's terms, the Diggers must also be guilty of murder.

Oh dear, the poor dear is incapable of distinguishing the subtly nuanced arguments involving an off the record killing, and the notion of a just war, authorised with a fine flourish by the United Nations. All that blather at the UN of a bellum iustum perfectly wasted on the man.

You see, it's Keystone Kops time, and it's not the Keystone Kops of the Israeli assassins. Dearie me no, that would involve criticism of Israel and we can't have any of that. It's the Australian cops that were the dummies:

The government has mishandled this matter from the start, and the Keystone Kops escapades of the Australian Federal Police in Israel on their fact-finding mission were not the worst of it.

Yep, never mind the Israelis. It's everybody else that's got it wrong. And of course as opposed to the decent and noble motives of the Israeli government, it's done for the most dastardly of reasons:

Whether this bad decision was the sign of government weakness in the face of the bureaucracy, or yet another move in the pathetic effort to court Arab votes for our meaningless bid for a UN Security Council seat, or just a bad misjudgment by Mr Smith which Kevin Rudd ratified, it is a poor and misjudged move against a close friend which made a mistake in exceptionally difficult circumstances.

You see, it was just a mistake in exceptionally difficult circumstance. It wasn't a fuck up, it was just an apparent misuse.

Kids, try this on your teachers and your parents. Adults, feel free to try this on your partner.

Remember, it's exceptionally simple. Mum, I had to give him a blow job, all my friends were doing it too. Dear, I just had to fuck her, everybody at the office is having affairs, and I couldn't be left out because they're doing it too.

It's guaranteed by Greg Sheridan to work a treat. But please any warranty disputes or damages claims must be referred to him. We're simply passing on the good news ...

Could this be the perfect moral equivalence, a way to solve all the world's deeper moral and philosophical dilemmas? Perhaps you should consult William James on that or dash off to the wiki Moral equivalence for a quick update.

But please don't bother me with your findings. Here at the pond we're busy hatching a scheme to deliver Australian passports to needy people prepared to pay a shitload of money. Apparently it's to save the world from something or other, or to cleanse it of vice and sin, so it's perfectly kosher. Or halal. Or whatever.

Illegal? Criminal? Of course it is. It seems that you can cop an actual jail sentence for forging a passport in the lucky country, but not to worry.

Everybody's doing it, so we're doing it too ...

Take it away Edie:

Choke me in the shallow waters
Before I get too deep

What I am is what I am
Are you what you are or what?
What I am is what I am
Are you what you are or ...

Oh, I'm not aware of too many things
I know what I know, if you know what I mean
Philosophy is a walk on the slippery rocks
Religion is a light in the fog
I'm not aware of too many things
I know what I know, if you know what I mean, d-doo yea