Fred Nile, proud feminist, secularist, lover of cheese eaters, an open society and freedom from oppression ...

(Above: Fred Nile back in the day when he was calling for the banning of topless sunbathing. That was before he realised in an open, secular society that we should stop covering up, we should take off all our clothes, we should run free as the bird, as naked as a newborn child, in joyous rejection of oppressive clothing).

There's cheek, there's utter brazenness, there's preposterous effrontery, and gadzooks sir, then there's Fred Nile.

How else to explain his pious plea An open society has no place for the burqa.

Fred Nile begging for, pleading for, nay demanding an open society? Was that a squadron of flying fortress piglets that just flew past my window?

Fred has also become a radical conservative feminist, extremely worried about anarchism:

The time has come for Australia, and particularly NSW, to catch up with the rest of the world concerning the concealment of a person's face, whether male or female, for any purpose such as terrorism, anarchism or any discrimination against females.

Particularly NSW? Are we slower in our response to terrorism, anarchism and discrimination compared to other parts of Australia? Surely Queensland and the Northern Territory are aspirational, worthy goals, what with the way even kangaroos molest women in public places?

Not to worry, Fred is also a Francophile. Where once it was a devious nest of devout secularists, now it seems the cheese eaters - fromage avec vin ordinaire silver plate - are pace setters:

France, the pacesetting nation for "liberte, egalite, fraternite" has voted 434 to zero in the National Assembly to ban face coverings in public places, including the Islamic burqa. They stated "the burqa violates the dignity and equality of the Republic". They are now considering legislation that will enforce fines of up to euro 15,00 and even a one-year jail term for anyone who forces a woman to wear the burqa, such as a husband or religious leaders.

Now I hope you've picked yourself up off the floor in time to celebrate the arrival of Francophile Fred's own extraordinary attempt to imitate the French and the Belgians. And don't forget the Swiss!

My Private Member's Bill is based on the Belgium Bill in accordance with the legislation passed by the Belgium Parliament by 136 to 0.

Switzerland has also voted for a similar ban in northern canton of Aargau and introduced a motion in Switzerland's Council of States that would forbid people from wearing a dress that covers women from head to toe with a face cover.

On and on Fred goes, listing the state of play in Italy, and the state of play in Turkey way back in 1923, as he seems to rejoice in the way that Turkey became a secular state. Go Ataturk!

Fred Nile a devout secularist! Gentle reader it is at this point that you discover why the whiff of strong smelling salts is needed for sensitive genteel souls, and perhaps even a lie down, overcome with fraught emotions and excitement at the thought of a rampant Fred Nile secularist movement storming the religious battlements of this god forsaken country.

But wait, there's more. Fred has also gone Islamic, and fallen in line with the edicts of top Islamic clerics:

Even in Islamic nations there are moves to ban the burqa. For example this from the University of Cairo: "A top Islamic cleric says the face veil will be banned in certain areas of schools in al-azhar, Sunni Islam's premier institute of learning. Sheik Mohammed Sayyed Tantawai said the face veil has nothing to do with Islam."

Why he even finds comfort in Malaysia, never mind that you might not want to drink a beer if you're a woman, unless you also enjoy a good caning:

Malaysia also has restrictions on the burqa and headcovering.

And then there's vigilant Fred, fierce fighter of terrorism:

The rise of Islamic terrorism is another important reason for banning the burqa as it has been used to conceal terrorist attacks in nations such as Israel, Russia and Britain.

One notable occasion occurred in London when an Islamic terrorist wore his sister's burqa and took her identity card so he could pass through Heathrow Airport security and flee the UK.

In Moscow, a number of female Islamic terrorists wearing the burqa entered a crowded theatre filled with families and children. Under the burqas they concealed rifles and explosive belts.

Oh dear lord, say it ain't so. Could Fred also be angling for nudism? Seeing as how any five finger discount artist knows you can stuff a lot of goods inside a coat or a dress.

How to stop it?

Take off all our clothes all the time in public is surely the only answer.

Fred understands that skiers with their snow masks are particularly deviant, let alone the hoodies worn by youths with too much to hide. Urban anarchists and terrorists the lot of them, never mind the corner store hold ups:

There is also a need to ban any face coverings used by terrorists and anarchists from security cameras. The police need this extra power so they can prevent these attacks by suspicious persons.

Attacks by suspicious persons! Which is a relief because I'd hate for attacks to be done by unsuspicious persons.

I guess that thought bubble is so the burqa wearers won't feel persecuted. They're not the only deviates in town.

And then - and this is where the smelling salts will come in handy again - Fred restates his feminist, euro-loving credentials, in a way designed to confront chauvinist pigs and high Tories head on, since these wretches fail to understand the joys of Europe, and the many ways we can learn from these fine secularists:

Finally, it is important Australia learns from other nations such as France and Belgium, so we can prevent these overseas problems developing in our nation, so we can remain an open society.

We must do all we can to protect women, especially Muslim women, from discrimination and oppression so they live an open lifestyle. The burqa could also conceal domestic violence – bruises and cuts. The wearing of the burqa is a form of oppression that has no place in the 21st century.

There you have it. Fred demanding an open lifestyle and freedom from oppression, like the stout-hearted secularist freedom fighter he is.

There is of course just one sticking point. Don't any of you homo sexuals get any ideas above your station. After all, the Christian Democratic Party knows that you're as dangerous - perhaps even more dangerous - than the burqa:

In Australia almost all new diagnoses of HIV infection are largely attributable to homosexual intercourse. Other evidence shows that even after disregarding deaths from HIV/AIDS, men who engage in homosexual behaviour have a significantly reduced life expectancy. Consequently, all school programs that present homosexual behaviour as a valid lifestyle choice should be changed to reflect the dangers of this behaviour.

They're in the schools, preaching life style choices to impressionable children. But can we ban them in our newly open society? Sure thing. It all came together for Fred in that perfect storm over Bill Henson:

I congratulate his (Bill Henson's) main defender, David Marr, for his consistency, because as patron of the indecent Homosexual Mardi Gras he is not offended by near-naked teenagers and topless lesbians parading through the streets of Sydney. Obviously he would not be offended by Bill Henson’s photographs which are really child pornography.

Ah yes, an open society where banning things is the key to openness.

And the same can be said for feminists in favour of choice:

No Medicare rebate should be available for abortion. Medical staff, students and institutions who have a religious or conscientious objection to abortion must never be forced to participate in them or penalised for refusing to participate in abortion or training to perform abortions.

Choice? Not in a truly open secularist society where religious humbug oppresses women!

Let's face it, there's freedom from oppression and an open society, and then there's chaos and anarchy, and shriek, gasp, near-naked teenagers and topless lesbians.

New rule: and if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it form thee: it is better for thee to enter into life with one eye, rather than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire.

Now I'm sure we can all support Fred's private member's bill, provided there's just one important exemption. That it be written into the statute that he be allowed to wander freely, wherever he might choose, with a brown paper bag firmly planted over his head at all times ...

(Below: remember, it's never too late to fill out Fred's survey and send it in. Click to enlarge and deliver your considered responses to the pressing moral issues of our time. Remember - so you can answer correctly - an open society should not include foreigners, greenies, Muslims or a Bill of Rights).