In which the pond spits the dummy with the domestic reptiles and looks abroad for Xi times and fun in little England ...

 

Today was the day when the pond spat its dummy with the local reptiles. Try as they might, and excuse an old Tamworth joke, they're always trying, and this day just got too much for the pond.

For starters, they're not nearly as newsworthy as the Chairman, nor half as much fun, as the randy old goat contemplates a fifth marriage in his dotage, and gets into trouble with the mango Mussolini ...

The pond could go on for hours and hours about the chairman's deposition, but you won't see any of it in the local reptile scribbling, and so it's best left to the Graudian, in Stunning Rupert Murdoch deposition leaves Fox News in a world of trouble, and Crikey examines Rupert Murdoch’s admission that Fox News hosts ‘endorsed’ US election lie, as Lawyers consider implications of patriarch’s testimony as they prepare to fight defamation suit brought by Lachlan Murdoch.

Now that's entertainment, that's a world of comedy ...

Meanwhile, the local reptiles had nothing to offer. What of super? Well it was turned into a 2025 election issue, but the reptiles still carried on as if the sky was falling today ...

Yes, they can lie like their US kissing cousins - a future election issue doesn't constitute a super-sized broken promise today - but what tedious and boring liars they are, and how tediously obvious are the lies they tell, and worst of all, their graphics department is still broken ...

Which reptile came up with that nest egg idea? 

Report to the pond's office at once for a good caning.  If the pond wants a super joke, it will turn to the immortal Rowe ...

2025 right?

And there was that LIVE news about the tech titans ruining the voice, as if the reptiles hadn't already done enough to ruin the voice debate ... speaking of which, who should be at the centrepiece of the reptile triptych of terror?

Dame Slap still blathering about the voice? Yet another conspiracy in the air on planet Janet above the faraway tree?

Red carded at once, and as for that EXCLUSIVE, did someone ever tell the reptiles they needed a car park in Surry Hills so they could park and ride close to Central?

Sensing all was going to be lost, the pond turned to below the fold, and found a superabundant wasteland of verbiage ...

Down below the hysteria, there was simplistic Simon - realising the government had cunningly turned to the election ploy - blathering about a risk of breaching faith, while Glenda saw it as setting the scene for the election, so the reptiles should be jumping for joy. 

They can have a super time until 2025, by which time the pond suspects it won't just be the pond that has had a super gutful ...

Then the pond noticed something odd, neigh almost bizarre ... had the reptiles turned into a publicity arm for Xi?

They had, they had! What would the bromancer make of this bullshit on his day off? 

Hadn't he done his best to arrange drones and bring on the war with China by Xmas, and here was the shameless Ruan Zongze droning away on his patch of turf ...

Worst of all came that use of the word "Doublethink", the sort of massive projection that in a typical day no reptile would have allowed to pass without deploying "Orwellian" in response...

To think that Ruan Zongze was allowed to idly stroll the reptile corridors of power, while the bromancer stayed silent.

Okay, okay, it's likely that this CCP trolling is just a cheap, easy way to provide fodder for the comments section on the morrow, so best get it done ...

It's bullshit of course, with Vlad the Impaler already dismissing it, and only the usual suspects rushing to support it ...

The reptiles in the same company as Orbán? Sure they're all far right ratbags, but Orbán's the company they're keeping these days?

Then there was that bit about China’s self-serving Ukraine ‘peace plan’.

Couldn't the reptiles have drummed up someone as counterpoint to make a few obvious points, rather than serving up the CCP ungarnished and cold? Where was the bromancer when he was desperately needed? Why did the pond have to make do?

...The peace plan is a cynical attempt to help Russian President Vladimir Putin, hamper support for Ukraine, bolster Beijing’s image in the global south, and distract from the reality of growing Chinese support to Moscow. That includes economic support as Russia’s largest trading partner and concerns that Beijing may start providing arms to the Russian side. The organising principle throughout the plan is self-interest, notably leveraging war in Europe to support Beijing’s aims for reshaping the Indo-Pacific.

First, we must recognise that this plan is biased. Just as Putin visited Beijing to consult with Xi days before launching his offensive last year, Chinese Foreign Minister Wang Yi was in Moscow days before this plan was released. Despite Russian denials, it’s probable that the plan was discussed, especially as its existence had already been trailed by Wang at the Munich Security Conference. By contrast, we know that Beijing didn’t consult Kyiv about this 12-point plan or its earlier manifestation as four principles.

The most glaring omission in Beijing’s plan is the failure to mention Russian aggression. When quizzed on this point, China’s foreign ministry spokesperson said, ‘Our position is clear. We stand on the side of peace and dialogue, and on the right side of history.’ Clear as mud, and consistent with Beijing’s ongoing strategy of obfuscation.

In fact, as ASPI research shows, Beijing has long amplified Russian disinformation blaming the West for the war. This is alluded to in the 12 points, which caution against a ‘Cold War mentality’ and ‘expanding military blocs’. The spokesperson was less veiled in pointing the finger: ‘Stoking bloc confrontation leads to conflict and war … We have seen what NATO has done to Europe and it must not seek to sow chaos here in the Asia–Pacific or elsewhere in the world.’

At first blush, there are attractive elements among the 12 points, such as respect for sovereignty, territorial integrity and international law (point 1). But if we keep in mind Beijing’s concealment of Russian responsibility for the war, then the whole shabby edifice crumbles point by point. If Beijing cared about the UN charter, why doesn’t it call out Russia’s blatant violation of it? Instead, China abstained on the UN General Assembly resolution calling for Russian forces to leave Ukraine.

Such duplicity lurks behind the espousal of laudable principles throughout the plan. If Beijing wants to alleviate suffering (point 5), why is it failing to provide bilateral humanitarian aid to Ukraine? If Beijing cares about humanitarian law (point 6), why did it vote against the Human Rights Council resolution that set up a commission of inquiry into war crimes in Ukraine? If Beijing supports nuclear safety (point 7), why is it undermining trust in the International Atomic Energy Agency by challenging its objectivity in the context of the AUKUS agreement? And if Beijing is committed to reducing strategic risks around nuclear weapons (point 8), why has it failed to condemn Russia’s suspension of the New START Treaty?

The truth is that Beijing only observes the principles underpinning international order to the extent that they serve its interests. Kyiv and the community of countries helping Ukraine defend itself already uphold these principles, while Moscow patently doesn’t. Beijing’s plan overlooks this inconvenient truth and instead implies moral equivalence between the warring parties, seeking to bolster the myth that it could act as an honest, even-handed broker in peace negotiations.

And so on and on, and yet here the reptiles are ... but luckily the shame turned into a final short gobbet ...

Was it only on February 28th that the bromancer had been at war with China and the French clock man? It was, it was ...

And at the end of that piece came this, now larded with a rich dose of Ruan irony ...

...I certainly would never suggest Keating should register as a foreign agent. I’m sure he’s the author of all his own misunderstandings. But compared with how often I’ve criticised the Americans – while still unashamedly admiring their democracy, appreciating their strategic leadership and, perversely perhaps, thinking that being allied with the most powerful nation on earth is actually useful for Australia – how often has Keating ever criticised Beijing?

Did he lend his grandeur to condemning the rape of Hong Kong, the persecution of Uighur Muslims, the imprisonment of human rights lawyers, the imprisonment of Australians on trumped-up charges, the persecution of Christians or of independent trade unionists? Has he ever expressed opposition to Beijing’s aggression in the South China Sea? Is he at all worried about Beijing’s massive military build-up, its program to build nuclear weapons faster than any other nation, the continuous cyber attacks on Australia, the relentless efforts to interfere in Western politics as recently revealed by the security agencies of the government of that well-known right-wing extremist, Justin Trudeau, and so on?

If Keating really wants to find someone who routinely argues another nation’s case against the Australian strategic mainstream, he need look no further than the mirror.

Will the bromancer return to denounce the lizard Oz as a foreign agent, serving both the CCP and the GOP?

Weird times, and as there was nothing else on offer, the pond wound back the clock to this whimsical piece borrowed by the local reptiles from The Times ...

Poor Hugo, he certainly does try, and by downplaying Brexit, he's very trying, and the pond would rather be elsewhere, perhaps reading the latest Crace ... Sunak decides the protocol sucks and the single market is great, after all

...After a brief introduction in which he struggled to stop smiling at his own brilliance, even when extending his sympathies to the police officer who was shot last week, Rish! began to take some questions. Not from the media. Nothing was going to spoil the victory lap on the morning after the night before. He was Simply the Best. Better than all the Rest. Over the moon to have secured a deal that had been beyond any of his Tory predecessors.

“Yes, Miss!,” Sunak gabbled excitedly. He called everyone Miss. Even the men. Miss wanted a quick run down on the benefits of trade. Cue another discourse on the joys of the single market. Northern Ireland was the luckiest country in the entire world. The only one that could trade directly with both the rest of the UK and the EU. If only someone had got round to telling Rish! that before Brexit, England, Scotland and Wales had also enjoyed the same benefits. There again, it was his gift to make Northern Ireland so special.

All the fun of the fair, and little England has been full of it of late, and the pond simply hadn't had the time to celebrate.

Still, Hugo conforms to the one reptile rule that counts ... no mention of the Tories in the house ...

Meanwhile, the thing Hugo dare not mention ... Tories in the house ...

...A Miss chipped in with a question on the energy crisis. Sunak had just the answer. It was nothing to do with him. He wasn’t the chancellor any more. But he did have this brilliant guy called Grant Shapps as energy minister. By now, Rish! was positively light headed. How else to explain calling Grant brilliant? No one else has ever done that before. The audience looked on blankly. Rish! filled the void with word salad. He wanted everyone to be happy. His daughters knew what it was like to experience poverty. He was just a little guy with a crazy dream to become a world leader.

Back in Westminster, few MPs could be bothered to turn up after Monday’s excitement. One exception was Boris Johnson, who tried to pretend he was interested in energy questions and would have loved to have been able to contribute to the Brexit statement but was unavoidably detained. So brave. He’s rapidly turning into yesterday’s man. Sunak will be keen for him to stay buried. Johnson scuttled off before the tributes to Betty Boothroyd. He’s never one to give another parliamentarian their due. And besides, BB had seen through Boris and loathed him.

Yes, there's great comedy afoot, and possibly more to come ...

You don't have to settle for Times left overs when there's a Graudian cartoonist in the house ... but the pond should play fair and offer Hugo's final gobbet, and last attempt at whimsy ... sssh, no mention of Tories in the house ...

Well done, well played ... not a single mention of the Tories in the house ... just a vague mention of the guvmint, eh guvnor ...

Might the pond humbly suggest that if the reptiles want comedy, what we need is the kind of forward thinking set out by Golding as the way forward ...

Or perhaps just admire the craftpersonship ...