In which the pond asks the Grand Inquisitor to write the screenplay and draft the charges of treason and treachery ...

For those who came in late, the pond is in the middle of a Saturday matinee marathon …

In the first episode, nattering "Ned" warned it was madness to attack Malware's legacy, so the pond immediately called on the Grand Inquisitor, a man who would have been at home conducting the witch trials in Salem, to do the screenplay for the second episode …

It should go without saying that the pond feels that Malware is responsible for everything, a mix of the Emperor and Darth Vader's sinister mind control, and he's as loyal as a viper cradled to Cleopatra's Wentworthian bosom …

All that remains is to read the grand inquisitor's charge sheet, and note that it starts with a snap of Malware at TIFF, which back in 2016 Variety described as a dumping ground, too big, and something of a plain old embarrassment …

Even worse, as a result of his lack of taste, Malware has forced Polonius to lead off with the 'cinemah' for post-ironic talk of domestic and foreign 'tiffs'…

You see? Of course it's all Malware's fault, and how shameless and shocking of him to do what he said he was going to do, and resign from his seat. How could this country keep functioning if politicians do what they say they will do? Why didn't he just stay in parliament, and do his wrecking and sniping and undermining in respectable onion muncher (or now Jules?) style?

But that's only the beginning of the Grand Inquisitor's charge sheet, and there are some doozy crimes to be unveiled ...

Indeed, indeed, what a loser and a dropkick Malware was, and what on earth does it say about all the Liberal sheep who elected him to be their shepherd? But then these same sheep thought the onion muncher was a pretty decent shepherd, so what would the pond know?

Only the grand inscrutable scrutiniser and inquisitor is capable of compiling a full charge sheet detailing his many crimes ...

That did it for the pond. Just look at those last few notes on Malware's many thought crimes:

Disobeying Polonius's explicit instruction to resign from parliament in 2010;

Having the mendacity to accept climate science was something different to a blind, irrational religion;

Taking a perverted interest in Bill Henson, when he would have been more profitably employed speaking in tongues;

And shock horror, worst crime of all, so unimaginable and horrendous, the pond hardly dares to repeat it … being praised by journalist David Marr … in a way that insulted the great suburban and regional gods, where Catholic priests might go about their molesting business unmolested by the likes of Polonius …

And now only one duty remains … a few words in praise of the onion muncher, and the final judgement, though strangely Polonius turns to jelly, and only raises it as a question ...

What a feeble grand inquisitor! What a disappointing last reel …what a way to wreck a Saturday matinee, which had been shaping up nicely.

Even worse, there's been no explanation of what motivates this vile and treacherous traitor, and what forces are aligned with the emperor and his fiendish trade policies …

Clearly the franchise needs a creative bump, more twists and turns and more villains ...

… so on Sunday the pond will turn to the third part of the show, wherein the dog botherer will unmask sinister collaborators ...

… let's hope it's not a dud like previous third films in the Star Wars outings have been …

Meanwhile, a few one reelers, a warm-up for the ongoing saga …

You see, it wasn't just Polonius who understood how Malware had ruined everything, and it was all his fault …

Yesterday the lizard Oz editorialist was stern about his reprehensible, witch-like behaviour ...

How sad the spectacle, and how unfair that 44 should have been raised … wasn't it enough to point out the hypocrisy of Comrade Bill and leave it at that?

And if all that unbelievable talk about "rolled gold guarantees" didn't offend the reptile sense of the English language, and cheap jewellery, the reptile editorialist was back at it again today ...

Oh dear, the first ScoMo banana slip. Suddenly we've shifted from grand genre heroism to silent slapstick, and for what? A useless skirt … an offence to the dog botherer's infallible sense of patriarchal truth and wisdom …

And even worse, the reptiles are now tortured by further chances of treachery and treason, with the government so fragile just one man (and possibly a woman) might bring it undone ...

Tiberius on Twitter? Which reptile came up with that witticism? Was it the bouffant one?

Ye ancient cats and dogs, the reptiles aren't taking their inspiration from one of the most useless PMs ever to grace the Liberal party?

Billy McMahon’s incessant intrigues to undermine party colleagues was brilliantly described by Gough Whitlam as the then prime minister being “Tiberius with a telephone”; Turnbull has proved he’s Tiberius on Twitter.

They are, they are … but here's the thing. There were a lot of sheep who voted for Billy as their leader, and now the sheep have voted for a most excellent rapper as their leader …

By golly, there are dark days ahead for the reptiles, but before moving on to the third episode's blame game, there's just time for the infallible Pope rapping away, with more papal rapping here ...