(Tweeting here)
So the rough gruff Brough is no longer slouching towards Bethlehem - look at all those dry eyes in the house - but there's no time to waste on the fallen, because much is happening this day ...
Let us just pause first of all to observe the level of political reporting in Fairfax, two days after the great Paul "magic water man" schmozzle, and silence descending on the house, and people marvelling that Fairfax remains silent on Paul Sheehan's palpably false column ...
How long can Sheehan remain a thing? Whatever he writes next, however marvellous and fact-checked, perhaps for the first time, it will be mocked and ridiculed, because he stands revealed as a fop, a fool and an epic failure ...
Meanwhile, speaking of fops ...
Say what?
Oh it's just Hartcher channelling Clive "the Titanic" Palmer ... without a sense of irony, humour or shame. Next, Hartcher adopts teh Donald as an angle into fruitful analysis ...
But if things are completely fucked at Fairfax, look at the pond's pet reptiles basking in the sun, as they go about the business of undermining, white-anting, sniping and so forth and etc ...
Yes, they dug up little John, who's just here to help, and so are many, many more ...
So many EXCLUSIVES, it dazzles the pond's eyes ...
Now some cynics might wonder how Hedley Thomas reporting what Alan Jones said is an EXCLUSIVE when Hedders is reporting on documents lodged in a court of law, but you take your EXCLUSIVES where you find them ...
Which is how the pond can EXCLUSIVELY report that the reptiles of Oz are doing their best to bring down Malware and bring back the Messiah ... (thanks be unto Lazurus) ...
Now the Messiah has been very busy of late, travelling in foreign lands and spreading the word ...
Yes, he said what he said he was going to say, and the pond eagerly awaits his return, confirming that he did say what he said, and it's remarkably helpful what he said ...
Why for generations any decent Chinese restaurant has always served Chinese and Australian meals ... (and that ABC report here).
And dammit, make sure there's plenty of sugar and pineapple in the sweet and sour, you heathen furriners ... get with the dinkum Aussie values. Have you thought about some beetroot in the fried rice?
But those two illustrations are a forewarning of the pond's tactics this day.
You see, thanks be unto the reptiles, the prime minister in waiting has spoken, and at great length, which is why we'll need a serve of dim sims, Melbourne style (what do you mean, you're run out of soy sauce?), a full flask, a stout walking stick, and a capacity for marathon endurance.
We might stop along the way, but this requires a genuine Cliff Young effort ...
Here we go, here we go ...
The children are restless already?
Perhaps the pond can suggest a game to them. Let them count the number of times that 'I', 'me', 'we' and 'my' are said, along with the 'Abbott government'. It'll help them with maths and give them a deeper, richer understanding of preening, pathetic self-justification .... and the art of undermining and sniping and whiteanting ...
Oh okay, maybe they need a cartoon too, or maybe they should just go off to Pope here ...
Now wipe that smile off your face, because there's more work to be done.
Oh look kiddies, there in the first line, "the Abbott government" and it's showing its economic mettle.
Laugh and clap hands with glee ...
Hmm, the pond notices that half the trekkers have gone missing already. For those who made it this far, a relevant Fairfax cartoon, and more here ...
Now back on the hike and let's all sing a grand song of the great "Abbott government". Still counting? Good work, good work ...
What, time for another cartoon already, twittering here?
Now children, the pond is about to play a really clever trick.
See, will you get it? Yes, the Abbott government is only mentioned in the second par.
Please, stay awake, we might almost be there ...
Hah, you didn't really think we'd be there yet, did you? Tedious self-justification at enormous length can't be done in a flash. It takes an unendurable flood of righteous words ...
Here, have a cartoon ... you know where to find the cartoonist and explain he's got the wrong figure chipping away ... or maybe it should be two figures, working together, in a way only the Federal Liberal party can manage ...
Now children, the pond has played another trick. Did you remember you had to count all the 'I' and 'me' and 'my' and 'we' mentions?
Yes, you have to be able to count into the millions in your head ... but that'll prepare you for a career helping News Corp evade tax ...
Ah, did you catch that last reference to the Abbott government? How many are you up to now? The squillionth? Why that's a very impressive number ...
And now because we really are there yet, let's skip the cartoons and just do it, and rush to the finish line ...
Say what? There's a full version ...
Oh faaawwwwkkk, as Graham Kennedy said to the crow, the Pellists and the bartender ...
So much suffering, oh the horror, the horror.
But the pond has done its duty and feels cleansed, almost purged, certainly lashed, and without benefit of cilice ...
And for those who made it this far, feel free to reward yourself with a stiff drink, as we round things out with a couple of tweets ...
A fine Sat'dy morn DP, but try as I might, and I do try, I just can't read more than a handful of paragraphs from a Tones rave in one go. Maybe I could try again later when the waves of revulsion have settled.
ReplyDeleteBut Peter Hartcher - ah there's an apprentice 'Magic Water Man' that I can enjoy. Some fine succession planning by Sheehan and Fairfax, non ? Trouble is, he's just a tad gormless and feckless to be a true Pond star.
However, what I really wanted to say, is that I've sorted out the South China Sea matter: it's simple really, the USA has to send a large construction fleet to the South China Sea, and make its own artificial island ! Strategically placed between the Chinese islands and China so that, to visit their own islands, the Chinese have to get American permission. Bingo !
Oh, and because of our proximity, Australia can prove its value as an ally by provisioning the Americans resident on their brand new island. Anything their hearts desire, just like when they recreate in Aus.
Now how come Tones and T'bull couldn't think of that ?
Well played GB, spiffing stuff. And to prove it's also part Australian, might Greg Hunt be persuaded to ship in some genuine southern walri?
DeleteAs for actually reading the mad Abbott, the pond was astonished that GD would try, and manage coherent, intelligent notes, a feat quite beyond the pond ... it's simpler to rely on a philosophical approach. Anything the man scribbles is nonsense. QED, this is as big a pile of tosh as the pond has ever sighted ...
Hmmm…. what about consumer spending and private debt Tones? Where do they fit in, I wonder?
ReplyDeleteI must interrupt your important and delightful report just to dwell on one thing in Abbott's economic narrative and 'budget repair'. He said,
ReplyDelete"We were far from fully successful but made a determined effort."
This must surely qualify for Understatement of the Year. It sounds like a very polite way of saying, "We failed miserably and did in our political capital all in one foul swoop." And so "determined" were they that I don't think that budget has yet been passed.
Now back to the enjoyment of the rest.
Oh dear. I spoke too soon.
ReplyDelete"Overall it was a fundamentally fair budget..." is taking delusion to new extremes. The sudden tanking in the polls and the difficulty in finding anybody outside IPA circles who thought it was so, should alone have been warning. And that's before getting to the raft of broken promises and assurances.
I'd better not do this again or I'll never finish reading the piece. Nevertheless it must be acknowledged that the Reptiles have unleashed a fitting successor to Maurice.
Oh GD, the pond fears for your health and mental stability. Noble minds have in the past been o'erthrown by actually reading Tony Abbott ...
DeleteI see what you mean, DP. GD is treading fearfully close to that deep, dark chasm from which there is no return.
DeleteI have survived that frightening experience that GrueBleen and Dorothy feared. I have to admit that I should've paid closer attention to Dorothy's pre-quote warning and perhaps have packed a lunch.
DeleteIt has taken several hours recovery time. I have been aided considerably by referring and occasionally commenting on the Twitter Abbott Trending, which at last glance had been on fire for 6 hours. It must be admitted that Abbott has a way of bringing out the worst in people. It is not just people like me hoping for a more rational and civilised discourse. Only Cater,and occasionally Gary Johns and Maurice, can get me going in similar vein.
The only silver lining is that he equally brings out the worst in his allies. Cory and George plunge new depths. Nicolic is put on a Defence Committee. And Malware shows new ways of cowardice in caving in to them.
"It has taken several hours recovery time."
DeleteJust as well you're a young whippersnapper then, GD. It would take me several days.
But gratifying to see that no permanent damage was occasioned, though you may have to be more sparing with these adventures as the years roll on.
Malcayman has destroyed far more companies in his time than Palmer ... Malware may in fact be keeping his Captain's seat warm ... What will Labor, neoliblab, do in any event? Senate optional exhausted preferential voting, ie. Langer style below the line, for whatever number of reliable minors and/or independents you want would see the country survive to vote another non-Malshortenabbott, perhaps even a non-kakistocratic day.
ReplyDeleteLooking at those early headlines from The Australian, it is obvious that Kelly and Shanahan have had a very long Friday lunch with John Howard, then gone back to the office to faithfully report on every pearl of wisdom they could remember. I wonder if Howard took any of the wine from Kirribilli when he left?
ReplyDelete